Headlines that make you laugh...

I always avoid the news because it's depressing. And I don't need any help being depressed, really. But sometimes...the news just grabs you and makes you laugh. The headline today?

"Chef Paula Deen accidentally hit by charity ham"

Yeah. I didn't even need to read the article. But here is a picture for your enjoyment! You are welcome!

No reason to turn 30

In 2011 I will officially be 30. Honestly, I'm more excited than bummed. (but it is still over a year away...maybe I will resent it before then.)
I've been looking forward to it, sort of a new chapter...a new phase. 2011, here I come!

And then...the unthinkable happened. Someone ruined 2011. Yes, the entire year. This is horribly, saddening news...readers, you're going to want to sit down for this one!
Although, to be honest, if you're standing at your computer instead of sitting...you're a weirdo.

On to the news...

Oprah has announced that her show is officially over in 2011. The world has come to an end.

"Tomorrow, Oprah will announce live on The Oprah Winfrey Show that she has decided to end what is arguably one of the most popular, influential and enduring programs in television history," the statement read. "The sun will set on the Oprah show as its 25th season draws to a close on September 9, 2011."

Arguably, is right. I'd argue that statement. Well, maybe Oprah can go live on a remote island with Celine Dion and she'll never shove her political agendas down our throats again!!! Here's hoping!!!

And, yes, the sadness was sarcasm. I couldn't ask for a better birthday gift!

You had me at...your fake written accent

You know how sometimes there is someone that just "gets" you? No, not in a creepy chase you through the woods kind of way. But, in the "you were meant for me...perhaps as a punishment..." kind of way.

This is me and my BFF. Most people, upon receiving the following email, woudn't know how to respond. Or would just say something normal. Or would tell me what a 'tard I am. But, not my BFF. He just responds in kind.

Lisa: "Ze wezzer iz zo nize"

Brandon: "Eez eet? Eet's shnowink heere.'

Lisa: "Ze same eez happeneeng 'eere too"

Brandon: "And that's nize wezzer? I got snowed on! SNOW FELL ON MY BREAKFAST BAGEL! Yeah, we're through."

We were so meant for one another as bff's. Until he dumped me for liking snow.

He had me at.... 'shnowink.' Unfortunately, I lost him at 'nize wezzer.'

In an unrelated matter, I'm looking for a new bff, if you know anyone.

A product with unlimited uses…

***Due to the fact that the holidays are just around the corner, anyone who may be receiving a Christmas gift from Brandon is not permitted to read this blog entry***



Recently my BFF and I were having a conversation about a D-bag I may have been a bit hung up on. The conversations went something like this:

ME: "Blah blah blah, hate him, blah blah"

BFF: "Uh huh, I know. There there. Hush now...no, really...HUSH."

ME: “Blah blah idiot, blah, smear campaign, blah”

BFF: “I think publicizing his recent eunuchitude would be a good start of a smear campaign. We could call the group ‘Say a prayer for D-bag’s missing balls’ and invite him to join. Better yet, let's make it a cause and raise money to get him a pair of these..."

http://www.neuticles.com/index1.html

After reviewing this website...all of my troubles disappeared. Please, do yourself a favor and visit the website. It'll lighten your load. And if you want to spoil your Christmas present... please visit "Merchandise Mart."
Enjoy the website...it gives a whole new meaning to the saying, "grow a pair!"

Sleepin' with my homies...

During my recent round of crazy illness, my doctor decided that I have sleep apnea...so let's test for it. If you've never had to do a sleep "study", let me give you the lowdown....
It sucks. Just say no.

We all know that sleeping in a hospital is fun. Typically it's the most fun you'll have in your life. Take the delicious aroma of a hospital...the soft and supple beds...the intimate lighting... and add wires all over your body while you "sleep" and voila! You've got the best dang night of your life.

The upside to this experience is that I met two awesome gals. Mrooke* and Bichelle*. I assume that they work for the sleep lab at the hospital. But I can't be sure
They ordered me to strip and then they put a million hookie uppie thingies on my body.
Let me tell you about the hookie uppie thingies. (and, yes, I believe that's the medical term for them.) They are sticky, sticky, sticky. After they put them on me, my skin decided to have them over for a BBQ. Invited them in and everything. Ended up marrying them. So the next morning when I had to take them off...my skin protested, to say the least. In the end, some of my skin decided to maintain their relationship with the hookie uppie thingies and promptly left with them. I will forever miss that skin.

I think my favorite part of the sticky hookie uppie thingies are the ones that go on your scalp. Yes, your scalp. They use this highly sticky substance that I believe may be used for torture efforts in the war. They put a glob on your head and then a hookie uppie thingie to the glob. There is no way to get this CIA made gluey stuff out of your hair. Ever. I am left with no choice but to pull a Britney and shave my head. I always thought she was crazy, but no. Somebody just got to her with the CIA sticky glue. The glue is amazing. I think MacGuyver would have been on the air for at least 10 more years if he had had access to this gluey stuff. He could have invented so many things to get him out of a bind.

I typically pay someone to come in at night and watch my sleep, listen to me snore, laugh when I sleep fart... but this time? My insurance will pay for it.


*Names have been changed to protect the "innocent."

Stink and nothing butt! (pun intended)

The other day I read an article online.... I won't reprint the entire article, I know your time is valuable. I will just give you the headline...

'Testing for Stink-Free underwear begins with Astronauts'

Yeah. I think you can imagine what the article was about. I had a couple of thoughts immediately... Do people in this world need another reason not to change their underwear? Really? And this is yet another reason I don't want to go to outer space. Also, note to self: Don't date an astronaut.

Next up on our stinky agenda...

I'm sure you've seen commercials for or have even purchased the product I'm about to speak of...
The Auto-Spray Air Freshener! Yes, seems like a wonderful product. It keeps your rooms (particularly your bathroom) fresh smelling. When I saw a commercial for it, I really thought it was a great product. Why haven't we thought of it before? I'm sick of pressing down on a nozzle to make the bathroom smell good after I make a *ahem* stinky. Perfect product!
In actuality...this product is evil. It's out to get you and embarrass you in front of your loved ones.... or acquaintances. The problem with this contraption is that it is set to go off at timed intervals. Regardless of whether you're in the bathroom or not. So, I go into the bathroom to make my pee pees and suddenly WHOOSH! The room, and me, are now sprayed and smell mountain fresh. Gee, thanks. There's no coming back from that. When you leave the bathroom everyone thinks you made a twosie. You smell like air freshener, what else could you have been doing? Try explaining that one without sounding like you're just trying to cover up your twosie. Uh huh, riiiiight.

Well, Readers, I hope you've enjoyed this stinky edition of my blog.

Bouncy Castles + Old Peeps = Broken Hips

There is a beautiful old folk's home up here in Logan. By far the prettiest one in town. But some strange things go on there...

One day I was driving past and I saw an old man running away, for all he was worth. Loose pants, suspenders, slippers... shuffling at a very brisk pace. I'm not sure what his end game was.... but he was outta there. Till they caught him.

The next odd occurrence was a lone Jazzy down the street from the old folk's home. Nobody was in it though. I'm thinking that the old man tried to make his second escape. This time on a jazzy because the foot method didn't work. Unfortunately, it looks like he was caught. For all I know though, he used that as a decoy and ran the other direction and is now living free.... probably in an old folk's home in Florida. If so...I applaud you random, elderly man.

Then the other day I drove by the old folk's home and saw balloons and whatnot all set up. And a bouncy castle. Yes....a bouncy castle at the old folk's home. Personally, I found it pretty irresponsible. I know old people should have fun too...but we all know it's a death sentence if they break a hip! I was pretty upset...but then as I got closer, I realized it was young kids in the bouncy castle. This left me with two conclusions...
1. The bouncy castle was actually a time reversal system and the elderly were getting their youth back with every bounce!
Or...
2. The old folk's home needs a new marketing manager. Marketing to children? That's not going to pay off for a good 60 years. You've really got to think about your target audience! Think it through!

In any case, regardless of the strange activities... I've booked a tour. I'm going to try to get mom and dad in there soon!

This Just In: .... Doi!

Readers, you know I always look for hard hitting news. News that affects all of us. Deeply.
Today, I was reading news stories on Yahoo and I found out exactly what I wanted to bring to my readers...

40 percent of Twitter messages 'pointless babble': study

Pear Analytics, based in San Antonio, Texas, said that it randomly sampled 2,000 messages from the public stream of Twitter and separated them into six categories. Forty percent of the messages on Twitter are "pointless babble" along the lines of "I am eating a sandwich now," according to Pear Analytics.

Were there a lot of people out there wondering if Twitter was pointless babble or not? Personally, I think 40% was a bit low. It's Twitter. 140 characters of whatever you're thinking in the moment. As most people aren't very creative... pointless babble is inevitable. I don't often hear, "I just tweeted the cure for cancer." OR "Did you see that tweet about peace in the middle east?"
Most of us use it as a fluffy bit of entertainment. And when people try to use it to drive home any agenda other than to entertain me...I typically judge them for it.

It's Twitter. Of course it's pointless babble.
This Just In: 100% of studies trying to determine what people use twitter for are completely pointless!

King Tootfartanomma

Some of my fondest childhood memories involve visiting my Grandma Beck. You see, she had a pool. And, as any child can tell you, a pool trumps everything. It was always the first thing we wanted to do when we got there. In an effort to keep the kids from being in the pool 24 hours a day, there was a rule that we couldn't go into the pool until the sun was shining on the pool. It was either to keep us from turning into prunes or just to torture us. I suspect the latter. Adults can be cruel. They need their fun too, so I can't blame them for the mind games.

But we would wait, religiously, by the door....waiting till the sun hit the pool. We'd sit there, staring, willing the sun to move faster. Asking every 25 seconds..."can we go in? Can we? Can we?"
We'd lather up with sunscreen, the highest SPF known to man and probably also expired.... and we'd wait. And wait....and the minute that sun would hit the pool, we were in! Success! We never noticed the passing of time. We didn't notice that our eyes were red from the chlorine, our shoulders burned from the sun, our attitudes less than pleasant from exhaustion. All of these things are not noticed as a child. Because the pool could fix anything. Amongst me, my siblings and our cousins...treaties were created in the pool, cease-fires were mandated, alliances we could have never seen coming were formed. For, the pool...it fixed everything.

As we swam the length of the pool and frolicked and played....we'd pass an outcropping of palm fronds...beneath them, ever so stoically, sat a statue. A statue, our pool master, named King Tootfartanomma. (aptly named by who else? The eldest of the boy cousins.... of course.)

And, as we would swim by....we would always pay homage to our great pool master....
"Long live King Tootfartanomma! King Toot....fart....anooomma...."

Some of my fondest memories of childhood involve that pool and King Tootfartanomma. Grandma's pool. Nothing could beat it.
Well, guess what? The monster, also known as Grandma, filled it with dirt and rocks because she didn't want to maintain the pool anymore. No notice, nothing!

King Tootfartanomma will reign no more. Long live King Tooooot....fart....anooooooommmma..... You will live on in our hearts, Tootfart...forever.

And now...a word from our Mayor.

One of the funny things about politicians is that they never accept blame for anything. I wish I could do that. I really do. It's always someone else's fault. When someone questions you or you're backed into a corner? Point fingers elsewhere. The beauty of most politicians though, is that they do it so gracefully. They use pretty words that befuddle most Americans and before long we're not sure what our problem was....but suddenly we're sleepy and we'd like a piece of pie.

Notice I said "most" politicians. The Mayor of Logan, Utah hasn't really grasped this concept. Might be because we rarely have news that matters. Let me give you a little back story... Logan recently had a mud slide, that resulted in homes being evacuated and 3 lives lost. Horribly sad and tragic. (But, please, don't settle too long on that part of the story or it will be impossible for you to find humor in the following.)

As is the case with most disasters...the "people" tend to blame "the man." In this case, "the man" speaks out.

The following are excerpts from the Mayor's interview with the local newspaper...

He starts out really well.... confuse the people....

"People are pointing fingers and people who are in the know aren’t the finger pointers."

Next up, he refutes any evidence of advance knowledge this may have been a problem. A 2008 USU report noted “landslides on Logan Bluff have affected residents of Canyon Road for over a hundred years. These residents are subject to two potential hazards. One is landslides, the reason for this study. Another potential hazard is breaching of the canal. ... The breach could happen because of a landslide or a failure of the canal, and subsequently, failure of the canal could initiate a landslide. All these events are putting these residents and property owners at risk of life and economic damage.”

The Mayor's response to the USU report?

"I don’t know what they call evidence."

He makes a fine point.
Here's where things get dicey for the Mayor. Typically, the best thing to do in these situations when "the people" are angry? Blame someone else that they can focus their rage on. Unfortunately....he chose a different tactic....

"They can say anything they want to say ... they add their little two cents and have no credibility. They’re angered and throwing stuff at us."
Then he digs his hole deeper...
“People saying it’s the mayor’s fault — that I care more about money than lives. Oh c’mon people, what’s that?”

Dude, when "the people" are angry at "the man" you deflect their anger by telling them someone else is to blame....you don't deflect their anger by telling them they are idiots who don't know anything and shouldn't point fingers at you.

To be fair to the Mayor... I read this in the Herald Journal. And their journalism practices range from the inept to complete fiction. So, this interview may or not have happened. And the Mayor may or may not have said any of this. Also, I don't think the Mayor of Logan Utah signed on for any actual problems. It's Logan. They thought they could sail through by doing a few parades and and making a few bold statements here and there about cleaning up the town, bringing people downtown and making change a good thing for Logan. Unfortunately, he got hit with a disaster.

Every disaster must have a fall guy. And instead of picking one out and deflecting "the people's' rage onto that person? You just drew a target on your arse. Best of luck to you!

My deep thoughts for today

Readers, I have a few things on my mind and they must be shared...

We're all familiar with The National Geographic magazine. We've all skimmed them in a doctor's waiting room...and probably put it down when we realized the pictures of the naked Africans weren't as titillating as we had hoped for....and we quickly moved on to Highlights magazine...trying to find the toaster hiding in the fence.
Well, in an effort to keep up with the times (they missed that boat by at least 24 years) and to draw in a younger audience... The National Geographic is now referring to themselves as.... NAT G.O.
Sorry, NAT G.O. you still aren't cool. I'm still only looking for the naked pics and putting you down in disappointment shortly thereafter.

Recently I was at the grocery store and I had just barely parked my car when I noticed a guy coming out of the store...pushing his cart of groceries to his car...and I couldn't stop staring. Why? Well, let me preface my disgust with saying the dude was tubby. Back to the story.... so, tubby guy was walking out of the store, cart full of food, had on his 'all-you-can-eat-buffet' sweatpants...and he was eating a loaf of french bread. Yes, he had a loaf of french bread peeking out of it's sleeve and he was just chomping away on it. There are a lot of things you can get away with nibbling before you get to your car.... a grape, a jellybean, a nut or two...even a donut. But a loaf of french bread???
Have some self-respect, tubbo! Eat it in your car on the way home!

Lisa....out.

Love your local news

I find any local news stations very amusing. They over exaggerate and rarely have anything of importance. They try to entice you with small nuggets of information during other shows to make you want to tune in!
"What is killing thousands of Americans and might be in your bathroom??? Join us at ten tonight and find out!"
Ummmm....if something in my bathroom might kill me, I'd rather not wait till ten to find out.

Personally, I rarely watch the news. And I usually don't pay attention to the little tidbits they try to entice you with...

But last night, I must admit, they got me. I heard this announcement...

"Severe weather warnings for Northern Utah, drunken driver arrest in Murray and a naked passenger diverts a plane....tonight at 10!'

Uhhh, back up.... naked passenger diverts plane? Shouldn't we lead with this story?!?!?! Nope. Apparently other stuff took priority. I disagree, so I found the story online, rather than supporting my local news.

Here's the scoop:

A passenger stripped naked during a US Airways flight and resisted a flight attendant's efforts to cover him with a blanket before two off-duty law enforcement officers on board subdued and handcuffed him, authorities said Wednesday.
Keith Wright, 50, of the Bronx in New York, was taken into custody after he disrobed while sitting in his seat in the back of Flight 705 on Tuesday evening, authorities said.
Wright was unresponsive when a flight attendant asked him to put his clothes back on, said Dan Jiron, a spokesman for the Albuquerque airport. "She asked him on more than one occasion to put on his clothes. She covered him with a blanket and he took that off," Jiron said.
Wright punched and kicked the flight attendant, who asked two off-duty law officers for help, according to a criminal complaint. A Los Angeles police officer and sheriff's deputy helped the flight attendant subdue and handcuff Wright before the flight landed, Jiron said.

So....apparently being naked on a plane isn't allowed. They always tell us to keep our seatbelts fastened, but not once have they told me to keep my clothes on! How are we to know it's against the rules? Maybe he was hot. Maybe he felt it was too restrictive. Maybe he was showing off his goodies for a reason. I know I have to keep my clothes on when entering a convenience store... because they post a sign: "No shoes, no shirt, no service."
But not once have I seen that in an airport. So, in my book, he didn't do anything wrong.

My favorite part is that they arrested him, handcuffed him and yet, still he remained naked.

"Wright was 'completely naked' as he was taken in handcuffs off the plane."

If they let him remain naked for the rest of the flight...what was the point?

What is this world coming to?

I fully support laziness. In fact, it may surprise some of you to know that I, myself, am lazy.
Oh, who am I kidding? If you know me at all...you know I adhere to the lazy code of ethics and try to do as little as possible. The fact that I even blog puts me in direct violation of my exertion level for the week. I have to counteract it by doing even less in other areas of my life. Family, friends...work. It has to even out somewhere.

As lazy as I am though...I saw a commercial for a product that really seems unnecessary and perhaps explains why other countries despise us.


Yes, folks...it's the 'Shake and Pour Bisquick.'
I love fresh pancakes and sometimes wish I didn't have to go to iHop to get them! But making pancakes has always been such a hassle. When I try to make them at home...it's a disaster. How much milk do I add? Do I even have a clean bowl to mix it in? And...I have to whisk it? Are you kidding me? I don't want fresh butter...I just want a pancake! I'm not whisking my breakfast! I don't have time for this!
How many times have your kids asked for pancakes and all you could think is... if only there was a way to just shake the batter and pour it...skip all the middle steps! If only...
Well, readers...all your problems are solved. Add liquid, shake and then pour your pancake perfection! No confusing measuring, no messy bowls, no clean-up!

Yeah...I see why other countries hate Americans. I wish they had a shake and pour cake mix...

When Infomercials help the world

Readers... I love infomercials, we know this. I don't share all of the infomercials I watch and know and love....but occasionally, I have to bring a product to your attention. You're going to be so glad I did. At about 3:47 this morning I saw an infomercial that changed me. I rewound it over and over and over again and it never grew old. Please watch the clip below.






No, this isn't a joke. This is an actual product that is sold online. I was so intrigued by this product that I went to their website. It did not disappoint!
They offer a step by step instruction guide, with photos of how to use the Uro Club...

Step 1: Unscrew the UroClub’s triple seal, leak proof cap.

Step 2: Clip the privacy towel to the UroClub and your belt or waist band.

Step 3: Discreetly relieve yourself and then get back into the game! Is it me or does this look like he's doing something far worse than urinating??? I don't think there is anything "discreet" about it.

And who is the inventor? Who do we have to thank for this product? Well, he's a Urologist who took the time to write an intro and post a picture of himself...

This may sound like a joke, but it’s not. I am a Board Certified Urologist, practicing in Florida, a place where Golf is played year round. Every day I hear these same complaints from my patients because they suffer from urinary frequency (a condition that can begin in men, as early as their mid 30’s). Even if you don’t have this problem, let’s face it, there are not too many bathrooms on the golf course.These are the very patients that inspired me to create the UroClub™. A camouflaged portable urinal, designed to be discrete, sanitary and create an air of privacy! It looks like an ordinary golf club and comes equipped with a unique removable golf towel clipped to the shaft that functions as a privacy shield!Imagine, giving the appearance of taking a practice swing, while both privately and confidentially, you are able to relieve yourself without any embarrassment! This can be accomplished easily while standing by the golf cart, as well. Have the confidence to drink whatever you wish during your game and not worry if you’ll make it to the clubhouse in time!

Thank you Doctor. Thank you so much. I love that I live in America....where every dream has a chance. http://www.uroclub.com/

Pro-Happy!

Hey readers... today I bring you a blog of a sensitive nature...

I have a "friend" named Shmisa* who takes anti-depressant pills. Recently, when refilling her prescription, Shmisa* noticed that there was a new sticker on the bottle.
It read: "These are the same pills you've received in the past, although colors and sizes may have changed."

It is a really good thing they put that on the "crazy" meds. Can you imagine someone taking their anti-psychotics and suddenly they are yellow instead of blue? Talk about confirming their paranoia! Everyone is out to get them...even the pharmacist is in on it! Before long they start listening to the voices, stalking Simon Cowell again and setting fires all over town.

All I can say...it's a good thing for Simon and for Shmisa* that they warn the crazies that the look of their pills may have changed.

While we're on the subject of anti-depressants... why do they have to be so negative? Why can't they call them Pro-Happy pills instead? The word 'anti' never makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Personally, I feel all rebellious-and-underground-fight-against-the-man-ish. It just puts a negative spin on it.

I think a lot of people would be less judgmental about them if we called them Pro-Happy pills! I know I would. I would stop calling Shmisa* names like "crazy" or "psycho" or "tard."
Okay, maybe it wouldn't affect the last name. But, still, it would help.

*Names have been changed so as not to embarrass the author.

This Just In: Line jumper

Okay, I hate lines as much as the next person. I really do. I will do almost anything (including abandoning a shopping cart full of stuff) just so I don't have to stand in line. I may even yell "he's got a gun! Everybody run!" just to get people out of the line so I have to wait less. That plan usually backfires as the cashier might run too. But, desperate times people...desperate times.

As much as I hate lines... this lady took things too far....

A woman who just graduated from college in Ohio says she was afraid her big day was going to turn into a blessed event. Expectant mother Dawn Thompson Ester thought she had gone into labor during Friday's commencement at Columbus State University. So, she was moved up from No. 749 in the order for receiving degrees to first place in line.

Ester got her diploma and then rushed off the stage with one hand clutching the document and the other on her swollen belly. A medic with a stretcher was waiting to take her to the hospital.

But it turned out the pains were just a false alarm, and the hospital sent her home.

We all hate lines. And we all hate graduations. But, come on lady! "False alarm?" She skipped ahead of 748 people. Bravo lady. Bravo. I salute you!

Happy Birthday Mambo!

Today is my mother's birthday! Haaaaaappy birthday! I bring you some of the things I love about my Mama...in no particular order... (even though they are numbered. )

1. While most mothers would shake their head in confusion and walk away when their child speaks gangsta style...not my Mama! No...she incorporates it into her own, ordinary, everyday speech and befuddles other people her age. Namely, my dad. Case in point...
Dad wakes Mom up too early...Mom turns to him and says, "Why you be frontin'?"
Dad looks at Mom and responds with, "Is this like a stroke thing? Should I call 911?"

2. My Mom has a song for every occasion and every topic of conversation. I'm convinced all of her memory power is being used up by song lyrics from the 60's and 70's. She could win a fortune on Name That Tune, as it pertains to those two decades. Don't believe me? Well....just leave a cake out in the rain or knock three times on the ceiling or have birds suddenly appear every time you are near...she'll have a jingle for ya!

3. Mom believes in her husband and children. She sees the amazing potential in them and wants them to succeed in every way. No matter the trial, she sees that they are capable. And she's always cheering them on.

4. Even though this one is under number 4...it's probably the most important one of all. She knows hot to drop it like it's hot and back it up into your bidness.

5. Mom is a wonderful example of what a mother and grandmother should be. She loves fiercely and even when she wants to bonk you upside the head for the mess you're making in your life...she's still there to listen, give counsel and offer her love. (after the requisite bonking of the head)

6. She knows most of the lyrics to "Sexyback" by Justin Timberlake...and it's not uncommon for her to use a high pitch voiced and ask, "you ready???" (for you old timers...that's from Sexyback.)

7. Mom not only teaches me valuable life skills like cooking and whatnot...more importantly, she teaches me life lessons. One of my personal favorites? "Nobody likes a whiner." She's right. They don't.

8. Mom's house always feels warm, welcoming and inviting. No matter the season or Holiday...mom has decorated the house to suit it. Personally...I'm way too lazy to redecorate for the occasion...but not my mama! The house is always festive and beautiful.

9. My Mother taught me the dance of our heritage. The sacred 'Rain Dance.' Perhaps it's not our heritage. Perhaps we're not Native American. Nonetheless... she taught me the Rain Dance and chant...and she's not afraid to use it when she needs to get my attention.

10. Mom knows how to laugh. Really, truly laugh. She has taught me how to find humor in life and to enjoy it for what it is. Her laugh is contagious. (In a good way...not like the swine flu way)


I'm so grateful for my mother. When you look at all the people in this world...it's amazing to realize the fullness of Heavenly Father's plan. He sent me to the perfect mother for me...and I could not be more grateful.
I love you Mom!

Lost In Translation

At my place of employment, Hemingworth...or Hemingford, if you believe the advertisements... we frequently deal with other countries for our manufacturing needs. Which can lead to very entertaining emails...

We received the following email today from our Pakistani friends:

Dear Sir,

Hope all is well from your nice end.

We would like to bring your kind attention towards your last Purchase order, of Scissors. I would like to inform you that one year has been passed away to received any news from your nice end.

I hope that you will be ready to place your next order of Scissors and Tweezer.

Wish you all the best & looking to hearing from you shortly.

regards

Hamad

I don't really think that "nice end" has the same meaning in English and Pakistani... or maybe he does think we have a nice end...

Hmmmm....

Thanks for pimping our product...kind of.

For those of you who don't know... I work for an embroidery supply company called Hemingworth. In the world of embroidery, Hemingworth is a young company with a revolutionary product. As you can imagine...with any new company...getting the word out is extremely important! Imagine our excitement when an embroidery magazine wanted to feature our product! Check out the ad below...

It's bright, it's colorful, shows off our product well. Score! And then I read the text...

Let me remind you of the company's actual name... Hemingworth. Not Hemingford. D'oh!
I guess you get what you pay for. We paid nothing, we got nothing.

Thank you for calling Hemingford, this is Lisa...

To jump or not to jump...

Do you ever wonder about the suicide jumpers who stand there on the edge of the bridge/building for hours threatening to jump? I do. What's going through their minds? Either jump or get down, people! Either you want to die or you don't! Make up your mind! Apparently I'm not the only one who feels this way...

A Chinese man was pushed off a bridge by an angry passer-by after his threat to commit suicide held up traffic for five hours.

Retired soldier Lian Jiansheng, 66, broke through a police cordon and reached out to shake the hand of would-be jumper Chen Fuchao before shoving him off the bridge.

"I pushed him off because jumpers like Chen are very selfish. Their action violates a lot of public interests," Lian was quoted as saying by the China Daily newspaper.

"They do not really dare to kill themselves. Instead, they just want to raise the relevant government authorities' attention to their appeals."

Chen fell 8 metres (yards) onto a partially inflated emergency air cushion and was hospitalized with wrist and back injuries. Lian was detained by police.

Chen was at least the twelfth person since early April to threaten suicide at the same spot, the Haizhu bridge in Guangzhou. But none jumped and -- until Lian gave Chen a helping hand -- none was pushed.

Anti-climactic, don't you think? Yeah. I thought...okay...if Lian pushes someone to death that was already jumping to kill himself but just held up traffic for 5 hours instead? Does he really deserve to be punished? I don't know. Tough call. But, luckily... he was just pushed into an emergency air cushion. And THAT is why you don't waste 5 hours threatening to kill yourself. Dude, at that point, they've circumvented all of your choices. Moron!

Aren't the Chinese a kick?

How To Catch Gnats 2009 version

One thing I love about blogging is the randomness of it all. I love tracking what city, state and countries visit my blog and why. One of the most popular reasons that strangers come across my blog? Searching google for "how to catch gnats."
Yes, one of my posts back in 2007 is still bringing in the most visitors. Crazy! In honor of Gnat season, I am posting a portion of my initial 2007 post on how to catch gnats! We have begun to have gnats again...although not at the alarmingly magical rate we did during the dreaded summer of 2007. Hopefully the following tactics/results will help more strangers out there!


We have tried:

white vinegar, which caught ZERO gnats.
apple cider vinegar, which did catch gnats
apple cider vinegar mixed with dishwashing detergent, caught a few
apple cider vinegar mixed with baking soda, which caught the most gnats
apple cider vinegar mixed with bleach, which caught zero gnats
We put plain apple cider in a cup and covered it with plastic wrap and poked it with a toothpick to create holes. (The gnats go in like idiots and can't get out. Managed to catch a few.)

We poured bleach down our sink drains to kill them.

Shawna burned one gnat with a match. Although it only resulted in one gnat's death, it went a long way towards raising team spirit. ("team" being Shawna and I. It's us against those damn gnats.)

And we used sticky bug traps which resulted in a mass killing. (I would imagine that the "Gnat Nightly News" is covering this mass murder that happened. I'm sure Shawna and I are deemed terrorists on their news coverage. Which I think is highly prejudicial. We attacked because they attacked us first. I didn't go invade their home. They invaded mine! And we will fight back, biotch!!! We're taking back OUR house! Can I get an amen????)

Also, we used the bug zapper we have for flies. It's not easy because the gnats are much smaller than flies so they easily slip through the net, but if you are persistent, you will succeed eventually. The resulting POP sound when they die is quite gratifying. Don't judge me for thinking that. You'd feel the same way if gnats had worn you down. It's my primal right to defend my crib!

Still, after all of the methods...there are gnats in the house. We are going to smoke them out. It might result in another house fire, but sometimes that's the only way to truly cleanse the place.

One method I would like to add is putting on rubber gloves, coating them with vaseline and running around the gnats, catching them on the glove. It expends some of your angst and it catched gnats. Too lazy? Have the kids do it! It's babysitting and gnat catching in one! You're welcome.

Hopefully you've enjoyed this recycled edition of my blog!

10 things to do before I die of Swine Flu

...


I would like to thank Elise for asking me to reexamine my life, in light of the Swine Flu. I know time is precious. I am already oinking and my skin is turning a little more pink every day. At this point, I'm not sure how much longer I have.
Elise tagged us and asked us to share our Top Ten List of things we want to do before we die... Without further adieu... (maybe just a little adieu...)

1. Star in an infomercial

2. Ride a camel

3. Master the Sitar and amass a following with my mad Sitar skillz.

4. Acquire 937,529 followers on my blog.

5. Climb Mt. Titlis in Lucerne, Switzerland. Once there, plant an American flag and declare it mine and require every tourist to twirl around and around and around singing "The Hills Are aliiiiiiiiiiiive with the sound of musiiic. Aaaaaahhhhhh"

6. Overcome my sex addiction

7. Put a lump of coal between my bum cheeks and make it into a diamond.

8. Be an extra in a movie. And steal the show. Not a porno. Not again.

9. Discover a cure for the disease Michael Jackson and I share.... no pigmentation to our skin.

10. Be the girlfriend of an "international import/export" business man...only to discover that he is a terrorist and is part of a plot to assassinate the president...Alert the authorities...I'm their only hope...I must remain his girlfriend in order to gather intel. My contact person? Jack Bauer. We must get the intel in the next 24 hours or everything as we know it is gone! We succeed, but only because Jack saves me when I'm found out. And in a moment of passion, we make sweet, sweet love at CTU headquarters before Jack must leave me so that I am not a target of the Chinese and can live in peace...heartbroken peace.

I can only hope to achieve all of my goals before the swine flu takes me. You are now tagged if you read this! Suckers!!!

When DNA goes horribly wrong...

We all know about my obsession with Jack Bauer. He's hot. Keifer Sutherland isn't so hot. Do you know what is uglier than Kiefer Sutherland???
Kiefer Sutherland as a GIRL....

Kiefer in drag...or his twin sister.*

*Keifer Sutherland may have a twin, but Jack Bauer does not. Jack has no equal.

Quick word on typos...

We all make typos. It happens. Hopefully spell check will catch them for us. Unfortunately, we all rely on spell check a bit too much. It doesn't save us when we type a real word in place of the word we actually meant. And it changes the meaning oh...so...much.

Background: I've been arguing with a lady back and forth on email and via the phone over how much the company I work for owes in common area maintenance fees for 2008 on a property we rent. She insists we owe more than I think we do. Finally, I asked her for invoicing/statements for all of 2007 and 2008 so I could reconcile it against my own records. She responded with,

"Lisa, I will defiantly get you a copy of that."

Maybe she meant defiantly. Maybe she really isn't happy about it. Maybe she didn't mean she would definitely get me a copy of it.

Whether you do it defiantly or gladly...I definitely need it, lady!

American Idol does Disco!

Last week in a "shocking" twist, the judges chose to save Tiny Hat Matt Giraud. Shocking...no. They can only use one save and it expires when we reach the top 5. It only made sense that they'd use it this week. So that means two go home this week. I hope they keep Anoop and send home his eyebrows.

Tonight is Disco night! Is it any wonder that Disco and Fiasco share so many of the same letters?

1st up is Lil' "Do clingy spandex pants make me look fat?" Rounds
Tonight Lil' chose to sing 'I'm Every Woman.' Oh, Lil'. All I could think was that 'every woman' was hiding in those pants of hers. Her weave looked great though! I must admit that! Her singing? So so. It was all over the place. Nobody knows why Lil' is on this show anymore. Not even Lil'.

2nd up is Kris "I am not gay, quit accusing me, I even have a wife to prove it!" Allen
In a weird twist Kris chose a Donna Summers' classic "She works hard for the money." I thought this would be a disaster. However, I loved it! It's an uptempo number that reminds you of...well, disco. But, suddenly with Kris singing it... I was in a small cafe, with a beret perched at a tilt on my braided hair, sipping a mocha latte, tapping my hemp shoes to the beat. I loved the vibe. Loved it! Kris is my favorite these days. He's won me over, for sure! I know who he is as an artist and I'm loving him.


3rd up is Danny "No, I don't need these glasses to see" Gokey
I want to go on record, again, of saying I do love Danny. I like the way he looks in jeans and I like his voice. However, I think my love affair is over with him. I feel like I see the same thing from him every week. Although, this time, he sang Earth, Wind and Fire's 'September.' Let's just say that I could've waited till September to hear it. I still don't have a clue what he's planning on doing as an artist. Other than I'll probably see him on the christian network praising Jesus.

4th up is Allison "You can't go wrong with leather and sequins" Iraheta
Tonight Allison sang 'Hot Stuff'...definitely a different arrangement than usual. It was good. For some reason I just don't feel like she has the "it" quality. She's got a great voice. But I always end her performances by shrugging my shoulders and saying, "Meh." Tonight had moments of brilliance for her though.

5th singer tonight is Adam "Look at me pretend to be respectable so that conservative voters will like me' Lambert
Tonight Adam chose "If I Can't Have You"....
I just threw up. I did. He didn't even feel himself up or anything. But that shrill "if I caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan't, if I caaaaaaaaaanaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayayayayayayayaaaaaaaaaaan't have you..." nearly made me lose my lunch. And yet Paula was in tears. I am so confused as to why people love him. I just dont' get it. I am baffled as I type this. And, Paula is still crying. Yuck. Blurg. Blech. WHO IS GOING TO BUY HIS ALBUM?????????? And, again, all of you girls out there who are outraged...HE'S GAY. And Paula is still crying...and shaking.
To be completely fair though, it was the cheapest Broadway performance I've ever seen.

Back in reality...

6th singer tonight is Matt "Pleeeease don't kick my tiny hat outta here" Giraud
I don't know if this performance was good or not. Honestly, anything after the shrill vomit of Adam Lambert is good for me. Plus, it's the Bee Gees, yo! Which made me think of Justin Timberlake on Saturday Night Live doing his Bee Gees impression. And, oh, wait....he's on his knees! And he's back up! BTW, did you notice the back up singers? I swear that was 3 Lil' Rounds up there.

At this point, I thought the show was over. When I realized it wasn't over I was like... Who is left? Oh, Anoop! It doesn't matter who sings last...I never remember them. And that's the problem with this season. It's like NONE of them are memorable. Except for shrill bi-Adam. And I try to forget him.

Singing last is Anoop "Do I look less like a terrorist in pink?" Desai
Anoop brought it home with a ballad number tonight...crooning his eyebrows out...but, wait! It switched to an uptempo beat so that he could move it and shake it! And grab his "goodies" a few times! I have bad news for Anoop... You're never going to be Usher. You will never be as cool as Usher. And, as a side note, Usher isn't even cool anymore.

To sum up tonight:

Lil' Stays safe in her under performing big bootie club. She's just trying to fly under the radar before her big finish. Except she has no big finish planned.
Kris only went up in my book! I'm still swaying to the beat with all my cafe/poetry reading friends.
Danny has lost his original appeal to me. Maybe if I saw him be original I'd fall for him again.
Allison was definitely HOT tonight. Mostly due to her outfit. Leather chafes.
Adam again hypnotized America. It's the only thing to explain it.
Matt's tiny hat stayed on his head, miraculously.
Anoop reminded all of us that he's as American as a douche who wears a pink sweater vest.

That's it for tonight, folks! Does anyone care anymore? No. Of course not. This season has tanked. We had the Clay/Reuben season and now this. I just don't care who wins. Wait, that's not true. I hope the final two are Lil' Rounds and Anoop Desai. Maybe Fox will realize there are flaws to their voting system.

Lisa.... OUT.

American Idol: recap the final 7... Movie night with Quentin Tarantino

Starts out with some really lame jokes by Ryan, bless his heart. And then Ryan calls tonight "historic" and Simon quickly says he would not call it historic. I'm with simon on this one.
(also, they showed a celebrity in the audience...it looked like a really fat version of Jeffrey Tambor, but I don't think it was him. We'll never know.)

And in a new judging twist, the judges are judging in pairs. So one person will be judged by the Randy/Kara pair and then next person will be judged by the Simon/Paula duo. I say we just get rid of Randy and Paula. Simon and Kara can handle it. Although....I'd miss Pauler to make fun of.

So the theme is "movie night" where they get to sing box office hits and Quentin Tarantino as their "mentor."

1. Allison "I'm not a monkey, I promise!" Spanish name.
She sang 'I don't wanna miss a thing' from Armageddon. I like Allison, I enjoy her voice. But even with the wacky hair and clothes...I feel no personality from her at all. Which is shocking. As Simon so kindly said, she's the only hope for the girls left.

2. Anoop "My eyebrows will make love to you" Desai.
Tonight, Anoop went back to the ballads with 'Everything I do, I do it for you.' He's completely given up on fast songs, which I love to make fun of. He sings a nice ballad...but are you going to make an album of only ballads? Guess what? I've heard it. It's called every album Michael Bolton put out.

3. Adam "I don't understand why everyone keeps questioning my sexuality" Lambert
What's freakier than a one legged dog winning the Gold medal in ice skating??? A room with Quentin Tarantino AND Adam Lambert. If anyone questioned what Adam was born to do...he was 'Born To Be Wild!' Pelvic thrusts aside, it was a good performance. I still feel dirty after watching it.

4. Matt "Can I take your order?" Giraud
Tonight, in a surprising turn, Matt showed his gay pride and sang the lesbian anthem, "Have you ever really loved a woman?" Vocally, it was good. But pretty boring. Oh wait...he's gonna rock it...falsetto....and boring again.

5. Danny "I'm not just about my glasses, I'm also a widower" Gokey
An emotionally charged song... 'Endless Love.' To give Danny credit, Simon implied the widower card more than Danny did. It was pretty good. although, the harp stole the song. I just don't think there should ever be an instrument on stage bigger than you are.

6. Kris "I look soooo tiny next to Quentin" Allen
Week to week I seriously forget Kris exists. 'Falling Slowly' was the song of choice tonight. It's a beautiful song. This song suited him SO well and I think it was the best of the night. And props to the back-up singer on this one!

And that's it for this week, folks!!!

Oh...wait...there's someone else??? Oh yeah...

7. Lil' "I hate this show at this point" Rounds
Lil chose to sing a Bette Midler classic... 'The Rose.' Oh, Lil'. Don't touch Bette's songs. Why? Because they suck!!! Lil' did a good job, interesting arrangement...but...I just don't care. I'm sorry. I just don't. I loved Simon's eye roll when Paula was judging her. And Lil' fights with Simon! That's the first time I've actually liked her.

All in all, this week was pretty much the same as every other week.... I can't say that I care who wins at this point! I'm thinking of even deleting my season pass. I mean...who cares anymore???

This Just In: Alcoholics and Shopaholics

It's time for a news update! Today on 'This Just In' I bring you cautionary tales of drinking and spending to excess.

1. First up is a story about when friendly neighborhood feuds go wrong...

BITHLO, Fla. – Authorities said a man threw a vodka cocktail at his neighbor's trailer, but the wind shifted and set fire to two cars, a pickup and a travel trailer in the man's own yard. The Florida Highway Patrol reported that a 51-year-old man got into a fight with his neighbor on Tuesday night and threw the makeshift gasoline bomb.

Authorities believe alcohol was involved.

Really? What made them think alcohol was involved? Don't people in Florida normally throw gas bombs at their neighbors and end up blowing up their own car too? I don't know if I could've drawn that conclusion. I'm no detective, that's fo' shizzle!

2. I'm only posting a headline on this one... I don't need to read the article. This headline is definitely a Spoiler Alert!!!

'Woman explains how shopping addiction ruined her savings'

..... I'm stumped! How could the shopping addiction have ruined her savings? Unfortunately, I never clicked on the link...so we'll never know.

3. Next is another story about the dangers of alcohol...

Police in a Detroit suburb say a teenager has been charged with lighting an unconscious man's pants on fire and causing a third-degree burn to the man's groin. Police in Ferndale, Mich., said 18-year-old Tyler Quick was arraigned Friday on a charge of assault.

Tyler Quick was attending a party at the home of a 51-year-old man when the host passed out.

Police say Quick placed a lit candle under the man's crotch, setting fire to his pants. The man awoke and extinguished the fire. A police lieutenant said Tyler Quick thought it would be funny to burn the victim.

I'll admit it. I laughed, I thought it was funny too. I'm with the teenager on this one! Honestly... a 51 year old man invited teens into his home, gave them alcohol and passed out. Teens + Inebriation + lighter + passed out host = Light 'em up! (....or I guess, technically it should read... 'Light up them nuts!')

I hope everyone has learned something here today!

American Idol Recap: Birth Year

Last week on American Idol, we lost my home girl, Megan! I loved her voice, but she tanked. She was so glad to be leaving. Every season has one person that you can tell has just been beaten down to the point where they can't remember why they came on the show to begin with. This season it was Megan. She was happy to leave! So long, little bird! Fly free! Caw, caw!!!


Last night was American Idol night! I was too lazy to watch it and blog it last night. so, I bring my recap to you tonight, along with the elimination news!

First up is American Idol's Golden Boy.... Danny "I'm competing with Randy for the coolest glasses title" Gokey.
Danny took a well known song, 'Stand By Me' and I was worried that because it was so well known (and bland) that it would tank. But, Danny chose to really slow down the first verse...which served to only bring you happiness when he sang it at it's normal tempo. When you water the song down to a ballad, suddenly you're grateful for the regular version. Pure genius, Danny.

Second up is Kris "Awww, shucks" Allen!
Tonight he switched things up a bit...no ballads tonight.... he "rocked" it! Rocked it easy listening adult contemporary style. Instead of the big stage, they put Kris in the middle of American Idol groupies. I always find this creepy. Although the performance didn't wow me, I enjoyed it. Side note: I always wondered why his parent's named him Kris with a 'K' instead of 'Ch'. I've figured it out. He was born a hermaphrodite and they wanted to give him a name that could go either way. He's a pretty boy, would have been a pretty girl too. But I'm glad they chose boy. Good decision.

Singing third tonight was 'Lil "Does this leather vest make my butt look big" Rounds.
I've never understood the draw behind 'Lil Rounds. And tonight she was determined to prove me wrong! She took on a Tina Turner classic... 'What's Love Got To Do With It?'.... Unfortch, there was only 'distaste got to do with it' tonight. When your legs aren't as good as Tina's...wear pants.

Up fourth is... Anoop "I was born the same day as David Cook, perhaps that will make me a star!" Desai.
After two horrific up-tempo performances... he decided to shelve his dancing skills and sing a ballad from a stool. But, wait... he's up and working the stage! 'True Colors' is definitely a good choice for Anoop. Because he's colored. Get it? True colors! Anoop is a color... get it?

Fifth singer tonight is Scott "I wanted to be a train conductor but nobody would ride my train because I'm blind and blind peeps don't make for good train conductors" McIntyre.
Listen, I know how bad this is going to sound and I'm going to get judged for it.... but will they please put glasses on him? He's got the wild eyes and when he looks around all crazy like...it creeps me out. Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles, Ronnie Milsap... glasses. For a reason. Andrea Bocelli? Closes his eyes. For a reason. Judge me, whatever. It's creepy.
As for his singing... it was really, really bad tonight. Sorry. But I did enjoy his guitar.

Lucky number six tonight was Alison "I'm not boring, I totally have a personality, see my hair?" Iraheta.
Alison chose a Bonnie Raitt song, "I can't make you love me." I always think a song like that is a risky choice. Any song that talks about people not liking you, about going home...anything along those lines always makes me wonder if it influences people to vote you out. People are very susceptible to suggestion. It ended up being a tad boring, but still good.

7th performer of the evening is Matt "holy crap those were some big ears on a child" Giraud.
I think I enjoyed his performance. I'm not sure. I'll never know. I couldn't get past that tiny hat. It looks ridiculous. He sang 'Part-time lover.' You know, because even with Viagra...nobody can love full time.

Last up was Adam "save the best for last, or save the worst to get cut off by the TiVo" Lambert.
Yup, shockingly, AI ran long and his performance was not captured by my Tivo. I don't know what he sang, didn't see it. And I haven't googled it to watch it online either. However, I still will review it. Adam's performance had plenty of personality, he made love to the camera (and himself), there were some shrill high notes and I still don't get why women are attracted to him...he doesn't need you. He drives a stickshift.

Cut to: Elimination night! As always, it begins with Ryan "how short is he?" Seacrest! ...and pan to the audience where Mario Lopez smiles for Ryan...clearly a man-crush there.
The judges are always harping on the contestants for their clothes or their style...here's what I thought of the judges' looks tonight...
Randy: Why the bracelets, dawg? Nothing shows off fat quite like a band constricting the rolls. I'm considering getting a choker necklace. I hear they are quite slimming. Yo, yo, yo.
Kara: Pretty lady, it's about artistry! Don't show us your armpits. I swear there was a 5 o'clock shadow in those pits
Paula: I love your bangs and you really tried to make that dress your own... but gloves? Off white gloves, no less. I think she thought she was attending her wedding to Simon tonight. It was the only way they could get her to the show.
Simon: No offense, but I don't get why you only have two shirts..that are too tight. I'm guess it's because he went bankrupt at one point, now he lives below his means in the clothing department.

Then they brought out Frankie Avalon (which 90% of the Idol audience has no clue who he is) to sing off tune and make love to Simon with his eyes and nearly fell down the stairs in the process.

Next up: Our favorite..... the dreaded group number! In seasons past, I've always fast forwarded through them. But I watch them this season. I will admit it...I want to see blind guy dance. Dance Monkey, dance! Tonight's group performance only proved what we already knew... NOBODY would watch 'Group Idol' if Fox starts that new show.

Now we begin the eliminations....

First into the bottom 3? Anoop! And the other two in the bottom 3? His two eyebrows! Ha ha! Who will be eliminated next? Anoop...or his left eyebrow....or his right eyebrow???

Before we get the results, we get to watch Flo' Rida dirty up a classic song. I fast-forwarded through it.... till I saw that he took off his hoodie. Da-amn that dude is built. Break me off a piece of that!

More results.... Scott is in the bottom 3 with Anoop. Great. If Anoop chooses tonight to blow us all up, the only one watching it is the blind guy. I feel really great about that!
Oh, wait, 'Lil Rounds is going to keep a look out for us too. And now the bottom 3 is complete. The Indian, the blind dude and the black chick. Wow, this looks really bad for the Affirmative Action Committee.

Before we get the final results we get to watch Kellie Pickler sing for us. I just can't help but like her. And whatever she paid for those boobs...worth it!

Can I just say that I'd be fine if they got rid of all 3 people this week? Alas, that is not the case...First one safe out of the bottom 3... 'Lil. So will it be Anoop or Scott???

It is Scott who got the lowest amount of votes. Probably because the people voting for him didn't know the braille number to dial in to vote for him... (Okay, that was low...even for me. But it's probably the last blind joke of the season.)

Now Scott must sing for the judges so they can decide if they should save him or not. Who are we kidding? He doesn't have a chance!

Oh, wait...2 of the judges think we should keep him and 2 think we should send him home. Gee, I wonder who is on which side?.... the judges continue their conference...

And it continues with a lot of uncomfortable mumbling because nobody wants to tell the blind guy that he's going home. ... in the end, Simon has to step in to be the mean one again and say... "You may be blind, but unfortunately I'm not deaf! You're going home!" (okay... THAT was the last blind joke of the season.)

Lisa...out.

The sky is falling...

The sky is falling, the sky is falling... some would have you believe.

I got a call from a customer needing to reorder thread today. She also asked if we could rush shipping and I told her it would cost extra. She didn't think she should have to pay the extra because it's not her fault that they need to rush shipping... upon further questioning, it turns out that she would have called to reorder yesterday, but she would have had to use her computer and the Internet and then her computer would have crashed due to the virus going around on April Fool's day.

Fool's day indeed. Seriously lady? Unfortunately, ma'am, you're going to have to pay for the rush shipping. We only cover shipping for acts of God. Not acts of sheer stupidity.

Before you ask...yes, she said it could be worse than Y2K. I would hope so, since Y2K passed without much incident. I don't know where she's getting her information. But I told her I understood her frustration and that we're all making sacrifices in this economy and with the war on terror.

Fool's day...indeed.

American Idol Recap Rundown top 9

Yes, I watch American Idol. I do. I've been hurt many, many times from it. It's caused many, many wars in my family. My elder brother and I haven't spoken since the Taylor Hicks debacle.

Yet, I am still a fan. I don't know why. I wish I could stop. There should be a support group.

Until I overcome this addiction...I thought I might give a weekly rundown. We're down to the top 9, so I'm a little behind the game...but, so what?

Tonight's show featured any popular download on itunes! Holla! This left the contestants pretty much any avenue... to show us who they are as a contemporary artist...Here are my thoughts on tonight's show...in order of appearance, of course.

1. Anoop "Dawg" Desai.
I've never understood the draw behind Anoop. Tonight he sang Usher's 'Caught Up.' The only thing I was caught up in? His eyebrows. Even if I loved, loved, loved his voice and thought that he would put out an album I loved...I can't get past the eyebrows. It doesn't matter what he's singing, I feel like his eyebrows are doing all the talking. Also, I'm partially convinced that he's from a secret terrorist cell and is now going to get to the top two through other sleeper cell agent's votes and when the finale comes and Ryan is about to announce the winner of American Idol, season 8.... KABOOM. Bomb. Anoop was a suicide bomber. I wouldn't be buying tickets to the finale...I'm just saying.

2. Megan "I'm quirky and hot...is that enoough?" Joy.
Megan is my girl. I love her unique voice, I love her flava. But that girl is seriously tanking it! It's almost like she's not even trying anymore. I think she's in serious jeopardy. But, good news for Megan, she's smokin' hot! Even if this doesn't work out, I'm pretty sure she'll get by just fine with her looks. She sang a Bob Marley song. Yeah. I know. I was upset as you are.

3. Danny "I'm Grieving" Gokey.
Let me just put it out there that I love Danny's voice. And, granted, it's not his fault that the producers of AI make him seem like the holy one (the white Obama of music.) I love his voice, I do. Tonight, he sings 'What Hurts The Most' originally done by Rascal Flatts. It was ten times better than their version...not hard to do. And the judges praised it as the best of the night! (remember, this was only the 3rd performance of the night and compared to the first 2...it was the best of the night) When Rascal Flatts sings this song it always sounds a bit off. A bit out of tune, whiny, nasal sounding. Turns out...it's not just Rascal Flatts.

4. Allison "Clown Hair" Spanish last name.
She does have a great voice for a 16 year old. But her hair made her look like part clown/part troll. (take me to your leader) Allison sang 'Don't Speak' originally done by No Doubt. I have to say, I was digging it during the verse...but lost it in the chorus where she again tried to show us with every single note that she is a rocker and edgy! Don't you forget it!

5. Scott "Blind Guy" Mcintyre. (no relation to Ronnie Milsap or Stevie Wonder)
I like Scott's vibe. I think he's perfect for the Christian Gospel network. I can see him and Jim Brickman dueling it out for top Christian Christmas album. My favorite thing Scott says tonight: "I'm gonna strip things down a bit. Just me and the piano." Hmmm...sounds familiar...I want to call it...every other performance I've seen him give?

6. Matt "I wanna be Justin Timberlake including the tiny hats" Giraud.
Tonight he sang 'You Found Me' originally done by The Fray. It was a good version, nothing to write home about, nearly indistinguishable from the original. The thing that disturbed me the most was that he sang it, while playing the piano, in the middle of a crowd....like he's suddenly a superstar! I found that pretentious. All he needed was a tiny hat to complete the act.

7. Lil "Token Big Vocal Black Chick For This Season, Stay Tuned Next Season For Someone Strikingly Similar To Me" Rounds.
After much deliberation she chose 'I Surrender' by Celine Dion. I surrendered to my remote and fast forwarded through most of this. (You saw that one coming...it was too easy.) I just want to put this out there...there ain't nuttin' lil about her bum.

8. Adam "Wicked" Lambert.
I don't even know what to say. I truly don't. After every performance, I know that microphone begs to be sanitized. Between the lights and Adam's shrill screaming...by the end of the performance I felt like I might be having a seizure. I honestly, started calling 911 for help. Every performance of Adam's makes me feel like I am sitting there watching a wholesome show...and suddenly I realize it's turned into an awkward porno and they're making love to the camera and stripping off their clothes and doing pelvic thrusts towards the camera...and I'm watching it with my Grandma. I fear that Adam will be the next Prince for me. Kinda girly, not really a guy, not really a rocker...and I'll never understand it.

9. Kris "Who??? Allen.
Tonight he sang 'Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone'....and there ain't no sunshine in my life when you're not in it, Kris! I think he nailed this performance....and then ruined it with that last falsetto note. Ick. Week to week, I pretty much forget about this dude, but I sure like him when he's on stage. He's the white man's Enrique Iglesias.

In a nutshell...nobody wowed me. I'm not hooked on any of them. I love Danny's and Megan's voices the best...but I definitely don't see Megan making it far, and my love for Danny is dwindling.

I fear we have another Clay/Reuben show down coming up.... by that I mean...
Don't know/Don't Care showdown. Yet I'll tune in next week. It's a sickness.

This Just In: Love Hurts

Hi Readers!
Today on 'This Just In' I wanted to bring you relationship advice. I so often get asked what the best way is to rekindle a dying romance, or how to avoid divorce... I bring you a story today that I hope will help all of us...

A woman attempting to reconcile with her estranged husband handcuffed herself to him as he slept and then bit him on his torso and arms as he phoned for help, police said. Helen Sun, 37, told police she wanted to have a conversation with Robert Drawbaugh without him leaving. She changed the locks on their bedroom door and, while he was sleeping Monday, handcuffed herself to him, authorities said.

Drawbaugh was able to dial 911 from his cell phone. Nearly out of breath, he told dispatchers he woke up handcuffed, was still bound to his wife and was holding her down, according to a recording released by police. Dispatchers heard Drawbaugh scream in agony, apparently as his wife bit him.

"Owwwwwwwww!!!" Drawbaugh shouted repeatedly. "Are they almost here? Oh God. I need help!"

Officers who went to the home in Fairfield heard Drawbaugh screaming for help and forced their way in through the front door.

Drawbaugh was treated at a hospital, police said. Sun told investigators that restraining Drawbaugh was the only way she could get him to speak to her, authorities said.

Who can blame her? She wanted to work on their marriage...and he clearly didn't want to put forth the effort it takes to make a marriage work. What options did she have? He wouldn't talk to her unless she restrained him. People always say that they want to be able to walk away from a situation knowing they did EVERYTHING they could to make it work. Well, she can walk away (in handcuffs) knowing she tried with everything she had to make that marriage work. He clearly didn't want to put the work into it. He's a quitter, that's for sure. My advice to you, Readers, is that you try everything you can to make it work!

On a side note: Several things jumped out at me while reading this article...

1. Is this a dramatized version of real events? "Screamed in 'agony' as his wife bit him"??? Agony? Really?

2. How sharp are her teeth exactly?

3. How deeply does he sleep? She changed the locks on their bedroom door before handcuffing herself to him and waking him up with her agonizing biting. If someone was changing the locks on my bedroom door, I think I might hear them.

4. How did he manage to dial 911? She handcuffed him and was biting him, but he managed to get his cell phone and dial 911? I can barely dial on my cell phone when I'm coherent and have all my filangies at my disposal.

5. What was her back-up plan? Cutting him with her toenails?

Well, Readers, thank you for joining me for another edition of 'This Just In.' In closing, I hope you've learned something today, Readers! Never give up! Never quit! Even if it means handcuffing your dreams and torturing them till they submit to your will! Never say die!

Cracker Violence

I love kids. I really do. And none more than my nieces and nephews. They're adorable...little....monsters. They all seem cute and innocent, but that's usually when they strike! At one time... My 3 year old nephew Luke told me repeatedly... "Tiss my butt, tiss my butt!" (Translated: kiss my butt, kiss my butt!!!)

Words hurt, they do. But I have to say...the physical abuse hurts more. My dear, sweet, innocent, 1 year old niece Taylor was lovingly sharing her saltine cracker with me. And by "lovingly" I mean "shoving it into my mouth, at times ramming it into my nose." She sweetly offered me her slobbery cracker over and over...and as we shared that bonding moment, she looked into my eyes, she got a maniacal glint in her eye...and attacked me with the edge of the cracker!!! I took photos to share with the police, as a pattern of abuse.

Her eyes said, "why you be frontin'? Huh, cracka??? I'll cut you, cracka, with my cracker!" I maintain that she did it on purpose.

Where in the world is Matt Lauer and why can't he catch a break???

Some people just have bad luck. In these dark and troubled times, with the economy hitting us all hard...some people seem to be hit harder than others. And you wonder why some people have to suffer so much more than others?

Poor Matt Lauer. He is suffering far more than most of us.

You know that annoying segment that he usually does on The Today Show, titled "Where In The World Is Matt Lauer???"

It's a really annoying segment (as are 98% of their segments) that features Matt in different parts of the world with the viewers guessing where he is. It's informative and exciting...except it's neither of those things.

Poor, poor Matt...

"Jim Bell, the executive producer of Today, said that Lauer had solicited suggestions from viewers for possible locations -- he has traveled to such exotic locales as the Taj Mahal and the Egyptian Pyramids -- over the past several weeks, but many told him that in bad economic times, the extravagant trip sent the wrong message."

So, they canceled it. Must have been a devastating loss for Matt......

Dry your eyes, readers! NBC has come up with a new and terrifying segment to replace it! How will they torture Matt next?

"Lauer will take a road trip across America with his three co-anchors, Meredith Vieira , Al Roker and Ann Curry. The NBC morning show team will explore affordable vacation spots, many of which were recommended by viewers. During the trip, they will take a new look at customary traditional vacations and search for the down-home beauty of the United States."

Can you imagine a more heinous road trip? .... well, I guess if you brought along the ladies of The View. That would be worse.

And, sadly, the hits just keep on coming for Matt Lauer.

Where in the world is Matt Lauer today??? (get it? See how I played on the segment of 'where in the world is matt lauer' to segue into the next part of the story??? Get it? I'm hilarious...)

Matt Lauer has been injured by a deer. Yes, it's okay to giggle.

Matt was riding his bike when a deer darted out in front of him, forcing him to slam on the brakes, which flung him over the top of his handlebars.

Yes, it's okay that you're still giggling.

I imagine the deer wasn't a fan of 'Where In The World Is Matt Lauer' either.

We only hope this horrific streak of bad luck soon ends for Matt.

Perplexion.

Hello readers! Although absolutely nothing new ever happens in my life...I do have a few things on my mind. I'm combining them to bring you a random blog entry! In no particular order....

1. Soy Joy
Please watch the following 31 second ad...



Am I the only one who sees the false advertisement? When I view this commercial I think that they must have a tasty, bean-shaped piece of soy JOY that I would gladly put in my mouth in place of sugary jelly beans. False. It's a Soy-Granola-Crap bar. The commercial should say...
"In the afternoon, when you get your craving for sugar... turn to this Soy bar instead of that piece of turd you were going to eat...you'll be glad you did!"

2. I was driving home from work one day and I saw a guy hitch hiking. I know it's dangerous to pick up a hitch hiker...not to mention, sometimes unsanitary. I have never in my life wanted to pick up a hitch hiker more than I did this man. Why? He had an OWL on his arm. No, not a tattoo. A real owl. I can't help it...I want to know why. Did he recently liberate the owl from the bird sanctuary? Steal the owl? Have a fight with his wife and decided to leave her and the only thing he wanted to remind him of his former life was the owl? I don't know. And I'll never know because of that inherent need for safety that I have. Damn me and my sense of security!

3. Why isn't Perplexion a real word? Perplex, perplexity, perplexing, perplexingly, perplexes... yet no perplexion. I think that's a real shame.

4. My BFF, who shall remain nameless, just sent me this email about a moment in his day:
"...this "little person" just got on the bus. Suddenly the driver is super friendly...and a little condescending...like you would be for a 6 year old who is retarded. Either he's over compensating or he wants to get in her tiny pants."

The "tiny pants" comment made me burst out laughing. Yeah, don't judge me.

5. For those of you not familiar with Logan, Utah...approximately 30 minutes from Logan is Bear Lake. It's a small little lake-side town...not a whole lot of people live there during the winter, but it's a nice vacation spot in the summer. Aaaaaanyway...
The other day I'm leaving Walmart and walking out to the parking lot in front of me are 3 elderly peeps walking to their car. One man, two women. Elderly. One even had a walker. Normally, I wouldn't think twice about this. But, their attire made me wonder...
Their jackets clearly read "Bear Lake Fire Fighters."
All I can hope is that they won them in a bingo game and that they aren't Bear Lake's only hope for fire rescue.


Those are my 5 random thoughts for this week! Toodles!

The gay Jack Bauer

We all know how much I love Jack Bauer. Today, I pay homage to his gay counterpart... Chuck Norris. He has got it going ON! And he just turned 69. Below you will see him featured in a very dashing photo. I added the rainbow. Rainbow pride! And the leprechaun hat was just a festive touch!

Fun Facts about Chuck Norris:

1. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris beard. There is only another fist.
2. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his right and left legs.




Obviously Chuck will never be Jack. But he does bring something to the table that Jack has yet to bring... song. Below, for your viewing pleasure is the Walker, Texas Ranger opening song. Sung by none other than Chuck Norris! Also included? A montage of Chuck Norris photos for your viewing pleasure. It's worth a minute of your life. I promise.

This Just In: .... I might be heartless.

If you're a regular reader of my blog, or have spent 5 minutes with me... you probably know that I'm not always filled with compassion. Okay, rarely filled with compassion. Okay, next to never.
You also probably know that I tend to laugh at things that perhaps I shouldn't. I can't help it. I find things funny. Even things that devastate others. If you don't want your opinion of me lowered any more than it already is... you might want to exit now. But, if your opinion of me couldn't get worse, or you're as evil as I am... read on.

My dear friend, Brandito, shared this story with me. He knows me too well. I laughed just at the title of the article.

Martha Stewart's Beloved Dog Killed in Freak Explosion

That was the opening to the article. And yes, that's what made me laugh. I told you I was heartless. The article goes on...

Martha Stewart is mourning the loss of her beloved Chow Chow, Ghenghis Khan, who died in a deadly propane explosion at a kennel in Pennsylvania.

Her dog was among the 17 dogs killed in a tragic propane blast that happened Friday during a propane delivery to the elite kennel.

"I am deeply saddened by this story," Stewart wrote in a post on her official blog. "My heart goes out to Karen Tracy [the kennel's co-owner], and I am hoping for a speedy recovery for those [both pets and humans] injured in this terrible event."

It's not funny. I know it's not. But allow me to point out a few things here...

1. She named her dog Ghenghis Kahn.

2. She hopes for a speedy recovery for "those" injured. She then defines "those" as "both pets and humans." Am I the only one to notice that she lists pets first? I know people consider them a part of their family... but, seriously? Wouldn't you wish for a human to recover more than a dog? If not... that scares me.

I know that animal lovers everywhere are ready to kill me. And probably donate my organs to poor dogs in need of them.

Addicted much?

I've always heard that the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Perhaps this is true regardless of your 'oholic' problem. Shopaholic, alcoholic, chocoholic, workaholic... whatever you have.

The other day I saw a guy that I hope is only one bad hangover/walk of shame away from admitting he has a problem and getting help......

I saw a guy riding his bike away from a local convenience store. He was desperately trying to ride in a straight manner on the sidewalk. He wasn't succeeding. Why not???

He had a case of beer in each hand. He was trying to hold onto the handlebars...but that darn beer kept him from keeping a firm grip on the handles. But he just kept at it.

This was sad on so many levels...

1. He obviously has so many DUI's that he no longer has a license.
2. He obviously has alienated all of his family and friends with his drunken rages...they wouldn't even give him a ride to the liquor store or corner convenience store.
3. He is obviously so addicted that he's willing to ride his bike to the store to get his beer fix.
4. He's obviously too lazy and desperate to make two separate trips so that he could properly hold on to the handles and still get a case of beer at a time.
5. I think he might already have been drunk when he went on this little trip. Inebriation is the only way for someone to come up with this solid plan.

As I was watching him struggle with his two cases of beer, the sidewalk, the wind, the bike and the kid coming towards him on her bike.... exactly what I had been hoping for happened...

He toppled over. Yup. I'm not ashamed to admit it, I laughed. Quite a bit. But this guy is no quitter. No way! He had come too far to quit now... drinking beers at home before he passes out in his own vomit was too close for him to give up. This guy got up, checked his beers for damage...and then himself... and he proceeded to place the cases of beer in the basket on the front of the bike.

Yup. There was a basket on the front of the bike THE WHOLE TIME. Why did he try to ride home with a case in each hand instead of using the basket? I refer you back to #5 above.

If you're so drunk that you're willing to ride your bike to the convenience store and get two cases of beer that you can't manage to hold onto and still drive the bike...all the while forgetting there is a wire basket on the front of the bike that could hold the cases of beer so that you could ride home safely?.... You might have a problem.