Monday, March 18, 2013

Lisa "stars" in an Infomercial!

  Anyone who has spent more than 7 minutes with me knows of my passion for Infomercials. I love them, I’m addicted to them, I’m always sure I need whatever product they’re presenting. So it is no surprise that one of my life’s ambitions, one of my goals, one of my dreams… was to be in an infomercial. And now it has finally happened! I can die happy. Yes, folks, I landed a gig in an Infomercial. I think I was the perfect candidate because of my camera-ready good looks and my witty charm, but the more likely scenario is that I apparently pull off “average American woman baffled by everyday tasks” better than anyone else.
What’s the Infomercial I was blessed to be a part of? Forever Sharp Knives!  We’ve all seen their gimmick, right? Where they show us they can slice through metal, they can slice through wood and then that same knife can still fillet a fish, can slice through bread, and can still skin a tomato! And it stays that sharp forever!

 So, let me set up the scene for you. Forever Sharp knives is filming small segments around America to splice in with their infomercials to show how Americans are reacting to the amazing product… enter, Lisa.
  I got to be in the audience oohing and aahing and starting the clapping while we watched in amazement as Chef Dave diced and sliced and spoke rapidly about the perks of this Forever Sharp knife. Then Dave says, “Sounds too good to be true, right? Let me get a volunteer from the audience to try it out!” Who was the volunteer? Me, of course.

Dave: “What do you think of the Forever Sharp Knives so far?”
Me: “I’ll admit, I’m a little skeptical.”
Dave: “That’s why you’re going to try it for yourself!”

At Chef Dave’s instructions, I sliced into a hammer, I carved into wood… and then the ultimate test… he gave me a tomato… And that knife just sliced right through it!
The Audience: “ooooh!” *clap, clap*
Chef Dave: “What do you think of that?”
Me: “It’s amazing!”
Chef Dave: “What’s the million dollar question?”
Me: “How much does it cost???” (Said while I shrugged my shoulders and lifted my hands in question)

Chef Dave then outlined how much the set cost…but, wait! We’ll give you a second set for the price of one. “Doesn’t that sound like a good deal?”
Me: “But I want a GREAT deal!”
And then Chef Dave made it a great deal. THREE forever sharp knives so you have one to give to a friend! And they’ll throw in a free mini-juicer! That’s over a $200 dollar value, all for only $39.95!

 To wrap up the segment, I got to do a “customer testimonial” and talk directly into the camera.
Me: “I’ve seen the commercials at home, of course. But I was skeptical. Now that I’ve tried it for myself I can tell you what an amazing product it is! If you’re sitting at home wondering if you should give it a try, order one today! With a money-back guarantee, you won’t be disappointed. You’ll love it!”

  After filming the producer told me I was a natural and asked if I had done anything like that before. I merely replied with, “No. But you might say I’ve been in training for this my entire life.”  

Now I can cross this off my Bucket List. And, let me tell you, it was everything I dreamed of and more. I knew all of those hours of infomercial watching would pay off someday!

If you’d like to see my segment on the Forever Sharp Knives Infomercial, simply tune in to your local programming every night between 2am and 3am. It should come on right after My Pillow and right before the Ninja machine.)

Saturday, January 1, 2011

New Year's Resolutions 2011

Haaaaaaaaaaappy New Year! It's 2011! And with this new day, this new dawn, this new year... it's time for me to realign my priorities and resolve to better myself. 2010 was a big year for me, (as you may remember, I got a new TiVo) and I also kept all of my New Year's Resolutions. Mainly because I didn't have any. There are a few things this year that I'd like to work on. Since it is 2011, I have 11 goals. I really miss the days when it was 2001....

In no particular are my goals for 2011...

1. Turn 30. If all goes as planned, I've got this one in the bag. All I have to do is elude serial killers and major accidents until February 11th. *crossing my fingers*

2. Die on February 11th. Imagine the symmetry of 2/11/1981 to 2/11/2011. Beautiful.

3. I will strive to remember to brush my teeth with the bristly end of the toothbrush.

4. I won't waste my talents.
Never again will I run in and try to diffuse an explosive device with the bomb squad. They don't appreciate it.

5. I will at least do a cursory search for toilet paper in restrooms before making a twosie.

6. Draw up a list of people who wronged me in 2010. Plot revenge. You know who you are.

7. Be a part of a flash mob.

8. Write, produce and star in my infomercial for my new invention of a DVD Rewinder.

9. Think before I act. i.e. I'll stop saying, "Oooh that feels nice!" when TSA searches me. And I'll stop eating medicine just because it looks like candy.

10. Start my own business by ordering that kit for "mail fraud" that I saw online.

11. Fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming a reenactor. Not an historical reenactor. But a reenactor for dramatizations of true crimes. If there is one person who can over-act and then lay dead on the ground for's me. I love laying there doing nothing.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed my New Year's Resolutions and I hope you've challenged yourself this year as well!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas!

For those of you who did not receive my Christmas Newsletter... I wanted to make sure and share a nice summary of my year, here on my blog! Enjoy...

Well, well, well. Here we are again. The year 2010 was so much like 2009, it was hard at times to tell the difference. It all started with January, just like the year before. And before I knew it, February came along, and then March. As a plucky yet uber-intelligent, gifted and talented individual, I soon recognized the pattern and I was able to confidently predict April and May. It was all downhill after that, barely even a challenge.

Just to catch you up to speed on my life, (for those of you who don't follow my Twitter feed) I'd like to share a few of the highlights from my year...

I upgraded my TiVo from a Series 2 Dual Tuner to a TiVo Premier. This was, perhaps, the most pivotal moment of my year. It took my tv watching to a whole new level. Also, it can access You Tube directly from my tv, so there is rarely a need for me to leave my bed.

Last summer I relocated from Logan, Utah to Salt Lake City, Utah. Mostly in an effort to evade the parking authority of Logan. One can only throw away so many parking tickets before they send the bounty hunters after you. I live in a lovely part of Salt Lake, near the Homeless Shelters and train tracks. I'm within spitting distance of the fire department, which was a must considering my penchant for starting fires.
I'm enjoying living in the big city and all it has to offer. One of my favorite places to visit is the downtown Walmart near my home. I've met a lot of interesting characters there. The inviting man who tried to lure me into his camper, the entrepreneurial young man who offered to sell me both tamales and drugs, the boxer who had a cart full of meat and truly believed he was Rocky... and who could forget the gentleman/lady in a yellow sundress, heels, pearls, a beard and a mullet? I've taken to printing off a current listing of the FBI's most wanted list every time I go shopping. I'm confident this will pay off.

I spent a great deal of time in 2010 trying to better myself and as such, I picked up a lot of new hobbies...
I've started teaching myself Swedish because I would hate to be at a disadvantage when I travel to accept my Nobel prizes. I couldn't afford tutoring or classes, so mostly I just do my best to look at online Swedish tabloids.
I've started chasing tornadoes. I heard it was quite the adrenaline rush. And they are right! I'm not much for nature, so I typically just watch the weather channel and look for tornadoes there. Also, in an effort to research the proper way to chase a tornado, I've been watching Twister. Helen Hunt really shines in that role.
I've become an avid coin collector. Last count, I was up to .92 cents! Ka-ching! I am literally 8 cents away from a dollar.

As the year comes to a close, I can't help but feel triumphant and fulfilled. I'll be spending the next few weeks working on my New Year's Resolutions and planning for an even brighter future in 2011.

Much love to you all, and do feel free to bask in the glow of my glory. . . Lisa

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Celebrity News!

It's been a big week in the celebrity world this week. For those of you with lives, let me fill you in. Miley was pictured with a bong, Christina Aguilera went on a coffee date and almost had a wardrobe malfunction, Ryan Reynolds and ScarJo have filed for divorce... it's been quite a week. But, let's move on to who we both care about the most.... Justin Bieber and Charlie Sheen.

Both have dodged the legal bullet this week. One has dodged any criminal charges related to a laser tag incident and the other dodged criminal charges related to a drugs/hookers and a hotel incident.
The incidents are pretty much interchangeable, so I'll clear it up for you.

Charlie Sheen won't be charged by the NYPD in connection with a bizarre incident at a New York City hotel in October that involved an adult film actress and ended with the actor being taken to a hospital by the authorities. Charlie was allegedly found in his underwear and seemingly intoxicated, but his publicist (who really earns her money) maintained that he had had "an adverse allergic reaction to some medicine."
I didn't know crack was medicine. But I know how I'm going to cure the next cold I have.

Next up... The Biebs. Bieber fevah. Despite having some of the best hair of any teenager girl around, sometimes it is just not easy being famous at his age. Apparently, last October, The Biebs was just trying to blow off some steam at a laser tag center in British Columbia. A 12 year old boy reported that the Biebs tried to punch him. But, luckily, the witnesses told authorities that it was actually Bieber who was being harassed and called names. Poor Biebs. One witness said of the incident, "The 12-year-old and his friends were targeting Bieber and shooting him over and over"
I thought that was the point of laser tag. Apparently not. Not to worry, at no point during the scuffle was Beiber or her hair harmed.

I'll let you know if we have any more developments.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Live TV

I rarely watch "live" television. I typically only watch TiVo. I find that I can more efficiently manage my laziness with recorded shows, rather than waste my precious tv watching time with commercials. (infomercials excluded, obviously.)
But when I'm at my folk's house, I have to suffer through live tv. Because they live in the dark ages. So, last night, making the most of my time (and in a successful effort to delay doing laundry), I decide to watch House Hunters.
For those of you with lives, let me catch you up to speed.... House Hunters is a show on HGTV that features people around the Nation searching guessed it...a house. We see them tell us what they're looking for and then they look at 3 properties with a realtor and in the end we get to see what they picked. Sounds great, right? Yeah, I guess you're right, it doesn't. But, remember, I'm living in squalor, I have no other option.

So the show begins by introducing us to a 29 year old woman who currently lives in the suburbs of Philadelphia and is looking for a new place in the heart of the city so that she'll have a "more fulfilling social life." I'm no life coach, but I'm guessing location isn't your problem. She was one of the most annoying women ever. She reminded me a bit of Kate Gosselin, except more entitled and with a preppier accent.

The realtor takes her to house #1, a lovely condo in the heart of the city. She likes everything about it, until she gets to the backyard. Along one of the fences is a telephone pole. She expresses her distaste and asks the realtor, "Do you think the city will move that?"
Cue my shock and laughter. I give massive props to the realtor who only said, "I don't think so, but you could submit a request to the city."

House #2 is a great layout, she's immediately a fan... "Wow, neat entryway. I like that it's the first thing you see when you walk in." Uhhhh....I guess in the suburbs they keep the entryway somewhere other than...the entryway?
The only other problem she has with this house is the kitchen area. It's a bit small, she thinks. "This kitchen is really small...I mean, I know it's just me right now, but there's no reason I won't be snatched up soon and it would be a tight fit for 2 people." Honestly, I don't think she needs to worry about that.

House #3 is a condo with downtown views, which is both good and bad for her. She likes that she can see the city skyline, but "this definitely doesn't have the nature views I was looking for." ...Just to refresh your memory, she's looking for a place in the city of Philadelphia. I'm not sure what nature views she was looking for.

I know you're on pins and needles wondering which house she chose, so I won't keep you in suspense any longer... she chose.... Condo #1! The great house with an unfortunate telephone pole. After she purchases the house, we get to see how she's styled it and made it her own. She did a lovely job and she was very happy with her decision. They did show a shot of the backyard and she really spruced it up with a lawn chair and a flower pot with dirt in it. Unfortunately, it looks as though the city denied her request as the telephone pole was still there. I don't know how she sleeps at night with that huge eyesore.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

There's an App for that...

In the beginning I thought the iPhone was over-hyped. Yes, it looked cool and all. But, it couldn't be THAT cool. I was skeptical, at best. Then I got an iTouch. A better contraption, I've never owned! (Except for maybe underwear.)
I love my iTouch, I do. But imagine if you could get an app that allowed it to make phone calls as well! Oh...wait...that's an iPhone. I still haven't caved and gone over to the new wave of technology and gotten an iPhone. I've said it before and I'll say it again... I'll get an iPhone when they make an iPhone Shuffle*.
Much like the iPod shuffle, you just shake it for a random selection. This way, I shake my phone and it randomly calls people for me. I'm feeling lucky....ahhh, crap...I didn't want to talk to my Aunt today....ah well, the iPhone Shuffle has decided.

Whether you own an iPhone or an iTouch, you'll quickly become aware that there really is an "app for that." Really. For everything.
Want to find out how many ounces are in a cup? There's an app for that. (Don't judge me, I don't have room in my head for these kinds of things.)
Need to know where the sex offenders are in your neighborhood? There's an app for that! (Walking around your neighborhood looking for shady people is usually pretty reliable too.)
Need a map or directions? There's an app for that. (Although I've yet to find an app for directions with an "avoid ghetto" routing option, so you're taking your chances here, folks.)

There's an app for everything...well, nearly everything. I'm hear to tell you that coming soon, there WILL be an app for everything....

Researchers in the UK are working on a technology that would allow you to self-diagnose STD's on your phone. Right now, basically the dark ages, we (I say "we" but I really mean "you filthy perverts") have to overcome embarrassment and see an actual doctor. Not no' mo' folks! Not no' mo'.

If you think you might have an STD, you’ll be able to pee on a computer chip (seriously, you pee on it…) and then plug that into your phone or computer for insta-diagnosis. The plan is to sell the chips in vending machines in night clubs, right next to the condoms and tampons. It's unclear as to whether or not you could just pee directly ON your phone, but I'm guessing I should get practice in and begin doing that immediately. I'll gladly pee on your phone as well.

The app is still in development, but researchers hope it will encourage STD awareness amongst people who are too embarrassed to ask their doc, “Does this look infected?” (But not too embarrassed to pee on a computer chip in a night club bathroom stall, I guess. I mean...where would you rather find out that you have AIDS? At the doctor, or in a night club right before you do shots and a random person? A night club, of course.)

I'm hoping this becomes a new wave of technology and I'll be able to pee on phones for all diagnostic testing. It would eliminate my need to drive to instacare and see an apathetic doctor who prescribes antibiotics. My primary care physician could become iDoctor. I could just call them and say, "Hey Doc. I just peed on my phone. It says I have bronchitis and a touch of the vapors...whaddya got for that?"

*The iPhone Shuffle! (In stores Neverbember of 2048)

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

You can't make this stuff up!

Okay, in order for you to find this blog entry even remotely funny...I'm going to need you to put aside your sense of compassion for others. ...I'll wait...

Done? Great. Read on!

We've all seen the Segway scooters that have fascinated the world. They've been featured at local shopping centers, amusement parks, stores, commercials, tv and movies. If you've ever ridden one then you know it's not as easy as it looks. And their safety has long been brought into question. Segway has maintained their stance that their product is safe and that people of all ages will love it!

Well....yesterday there was this breaking news story...

The British millionaire businessman, Jimi Heselden, 62, who owns the firm Segway has been found dead at the bottom of a cliff with one of the two-wheeled electric scooters near his body.

I laughed. I did. I'm sorry, but it's funny. What was he doing on a cliff with his Segway? The family and company both maintain it was a "freak accident" and that there is nothing suspicious about his death. It would be a pretty funny cover for someone to murder him via Segway death. But no, it was merely a tragic accident. A 62 year old cliff jumping on a Segway? Now THAT is a Youtube hit!

And, yes, I know some of you will judge me for finding this tragedy humorous. But, you know you snickered a little too. And I did warn you that you'd need to leave your compassion at the door.
Don't judge me.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Target Audience...

I get a lot of strange mail...sometimes I think I must have a postal mail stalker because they know me so well with random advertisements. And then other times....? Yeah... I can't figure out how I got on their mailing list. One of my previous posts about being on someone's mailing list...

Well, I've gotten another magazine in the mail and I can't help but think I'm not their target audience...

A few things stood out to me... As with the Latina magazine, I feel like maybe I'm not the race their looking for. Perhaps.
Also, I'm not a working mother. I'm not even a mother.

However, I found the article, "Help! My kid is nothing like me!" to be very informative. Because my kid isn't anything like me. And by "kid" I mean my goat. We're nothing alike.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A few things on my mind...

....rarely, but once in a great while, I have a thought cross my mind. And even more rarely? Several in one day. I felt I should write them down here while I can still remember this monumental occasion! Plus, I like to keep my fans updated on what's been going on in my life. For instance, earlier today I wrote the following make up letter:

"Dear Gym,
I think I've been neglecting our relationship. How about we talk about it over a coke and a family block of chocolate? See you on the couch...I'll be there all day. Lazily, Lisa"

Lately I've talked a lot about Tweeting, journaling, preserving your memories. And I started thinking about it...turns out, I don't really want to preserve my memories. They are best left forgotten in the closet with my leg warmers. But, I have started keeping a journal anyway. In case I ever get amnesia and need to be reminded of who I am. Well, more case I want to be reminded of who I want myself to think I was. Yeah, it's a fake journal. I just finished a 3 week long journal entry about my trek through the Himalayas. Next up: How I discovered penicillin! My amnesiac self will be so proud of who she thinks I was.

Sometimes I suffer from insomnia. And when that happens, I try to think of detailed things that will tire out my brain and allow me to sleep. So, the other night...I decided to design my dream house in my head. Very intricate, ornate, a bit over the top. My building material of choice? Oreo cookies. Then I realized...if I built a house out of Oreos, I'd be homeless in a day. Better stick to brussel sprouts. Might make hanging pictures tough, but I'll figure it out. I'm resourceful.

The other day I was driving down the freeway and I saw a billboard advertising for an Emergency Room at a local hospital. Know your target audience, I guess. What struck me as really odd was that they have a time keeper countdown letting you know what your average wait time would be if you went there right now. know...let's say you're chopping brussel sprouts at home, trying to get it just right for the addition to your master bathroom that you're planning on working on...and you cut off your thumb. Thinking quickly, you put the thumb on ice and head to the hospital. On the way there you see the billboard that says current expected wait time at the ER? 118 minutes. Uh, I don't think so. I don't have that kind of time. So you head back home and live a thumb-less life. What choice did you have?

That's all for today folks...hope you're having a great day!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Getting old

I dread getting old. I really do. It doesn't seem like much fun. Not the sagging body parts and wrinkles and gray hair thing, that I already have and quite enjoy.
No, I'm talking about the getting old and senile and losing control of your bodily functions part. Nobody wants that.
But then sometimes you come across an old person who inspires you and you think... this won't be so bad. If I can age gracefully and live a full life like this person, I'll be happy.

I found the person I want to be when I become elderly...

BOISE, Idaho – Police have arrested a 74-year-old woman who is accused of repeatedly dumping maple syrup, corn syrup, ketchup and mayonnaise into a library book drop in Idaho's capital city. Authorities had previously issued a pair of warrants for Joy Cassidy's arrest earlier this month after she failed to appear in court.

But she turned herself in at the Ada County jail on Monday. Cassidy was originally arrested on June 13.

That's after police say she poured mayonnaise in the library's book drop box that day — and was a person of interest in at least 10 other condiment-related incidents at the Ada Community Library in Boise since May 2009.

Condiment related crimes? That's brilliant!!! I just imagine this old lady going to Sam's Club to buy condiments in bulk. Not because she's cooking for a lot of people...just because she's planning some pranks.

"Let's see... I got two tubs of ketchup. One for the library drop box and one for my neighbor's mailbox. Relish for the electric company's payment box... uh...mayonnaise just in case...that's everything!"

Then the image of her tip toeing up to the drop box with her condiments and pouring them in? Priceless.

Lady, I applaud you. I want to be you. Bravo!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Journal my Tweets, please!

I've always been told to keep a journal. I've started at least a dozen in my life. I've yet to ever fill up a journal though. Typically there are 5...maybe 10 entries. I start writing and my hand gets a cramp and suddenly nothing seems that important.

Then came online journaling. You could just type your journal and print as needed! I just don't have that level of commitment. My life is fairly boring to live, let alone write about.

You're supposed to journal so that your posterity can learn from your life... uh, first of all, I don't have any posterity. Secondly, if they're learning from my life all they need to do is read warning labels. All of them were based on me.

While I may not have the ability to stick to writing in a journal, or the commitment to online journaling... there was something I could commit to. Twitter. All it asks is that I tell it whatever I'm thinking in 140 characters or less. So, consider Twitter my journal for my posterity. Below is my journal, beginning October 20th, 2008 to present. It's actually quite frightening when you read them individually. There's a few gems in there, but I'd say 97% of them don't make sense out of context. Or in context. If I could even remember what it was. you go, Posterity... here is 20 months of my life, summed up in Tweets.


is going to join the CIA, for all of the on-the-job perks!

says we're all friends. On the surface, where it counts.

wonders why you sentence someone to life in prison PLUS 25 years. Can you really enforce the PLUS part?

have seen a lot of people who are dressed up as ugly people with bad hair for Halloween...interesting...

says the sunset is so pretty and it's PINK just for me!!! Thanks for making life pretty for me, nature! F

says we always had a choice. We could shoot her and bury her body in the woods. That's a choice!

is engaged in an all-in, high-stakes game of war with her body. There can only be ONE winner. Spoiler alert: I'm not winning.

wonders why "flaky" is such a bad quality in a date, but such a good quality in a crust.

is in the market for a glass eye... preferably green. If you know of a good deal on one, just let me know!

...confidence: it's the food of the wise man, but the liquor of the fool.

thinks group therapy would be a great way to meet know I love me some crazies!

's horoscope today reads: "Think with your head, not with your genitals."

says trust me, you do not want to work in outer space. Nope. You just spend your whole day chasing floating poop.

got hit on by airport security. Surprised he didn't frisk me. He said he's hoping to see me when I return.

thinks 'Kenny Chesney' and 'Greatest Hits' is an oxymoron. The album must be blank.
just watched a dog run into a guy on a bike and knock him his bike, into the sprinklers. Made my day.

is considering a career as a "phone actress." Hours are great, pay is good, don't have to do much. Perfect!

says...the problem with 'speculation' is that you make a 'spec' out of 'u' and some guy named 'lation.'

is visiting Arizona and now an hour behind. Can anyone from my time zone tell me what happens in the future?

just spent 5 minutes searching frantically for her cell phone. Found it. Put it in my bra hours ago. D'oh! Look in bra first next time!

is inviting everyone to her "good, old fashioned find the smell" par-tay! Everyone is invited, winner gets to throw away stinky object.

thinks that if your fiance is better looking than you, he's gay. It's a classic symptom of 'fruit blindness.'

thinks that deciding to recycle as an old person is like deathbed repentance. The damage is already done! tempting as his offer for nefarious activities might be, somehow the mullet made the decision for me.

wonders if you wanna be killed with her, or when you're out looking for her? We're all dead, no way out.

really needs to learn how to hotwire a car. It's a good skill to have. You know... Just in case.

hopes Madoff enjoys his 150 years in prison. I think anything after 100 will be a breeze! You can do it Madoff!

thinks playing dead is a really risky tactic.

is finalizing her plans to move to Alaska, get a pink boat and name it 'Ice Princess' and star on Deadliest Catch!

is it just me, or is 'DEBBIE DOES FREIGHT' a really bad name for a reputable business?

how dare you call me a racist? A homophobe? Maybe. Distrustful of Spaniards? Who isn't? But nobody calls me a racist!

Just saw a man with a beard, in a skirt and lacy top with boobs. Come on. Pick a gender.

Why must the inside of my car feel like Satan's lair?

You say potato, I say vodka.

will not have this argument with you again. You are not now, nor will you ever be, a fish.

is wondering if it's possible to find a date by Twitter alone.

Thinks man on moped = douche.

Yes, I have a life. I have tivo.

is going to open a new restaurant, Tamale: China Bistro.

What is with Whoopi Goldberg's weird sunglasses that she's always wearing on the end of her nose?

...promise me, if we're both single in 29 years...we'll kill one another.

Do bank employees think glasses make them look smart? It doesn't.

is so grateful for this energizing deodorant... There's no end to what I can accomplish now!

would love to carpool with you but I see you're taking Douchemeister Lane and I'm not going that direction.

has such a hard time knowing if she's being hit on or not. Especially when it's by a woman.

is nothing without the interweb.

thinks everything in Mexico is a dollar because they're having a going out of country sale.

always wants Ihop in the middle of the night. "Welcome to Ihop, how may I hop you?"

has touched fives of tens of people with her amazing personality.

wonders if going out for Slurpees at 3am is a bad idea.

just learned there's a tornado simulator at the mall. This seems retarded.

will just go ahead and sleep in while you do the Ironman Triathalon...

doesn't understand her lack of fame.

thinks you never forget how to laugh...unless you've suffered brain damage.

wonders if it's wrong to spy on someone if you know you won't get caught?

hasn't been keeping exact scores, but I'm pretty sure I won.

is going to be so angry when her mood elevators wear off.

wonders how it can be eleven and I haven't gotten any texts? That's unpossible! Phone must be broken.

says it's an illusion. A trick is what a whore does for money.

is sorry I'm late, but I wanted to miss most of this occasion.

wants to make a difference in someone's life. Good or bad. I could go either way on this one.

knows right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.

has a serious case of "you don't appear to want me as much so now I want you more-itis"

thinks there is a big difference between Muslim and muslin. And when one is used when the other is's hilarious.

is going to have to start drinking 5 hour Energy every 3 hours for it to remain effective, me thinks.

is going to have really curled up toes when she's old.

loves that a guy just asked her if her eyes were real. Hmmm. Nope, glass.

... Dear Universe, I despise you. Love, Lisa Marcell

thinks microwaves are of the devil. It's the only reasonable explanation.

thinks if you're being quoted on a murder investigation you shouldn't use the word "Friggin'!"

‘s day started out with a spider attack. I don't think it's going to get any better, either.

thinks it's absurd that it's 2010 but we can't get a decent looking fax!?!

thinks it's time to get her life in order...ish.

has never seen an Asian with a big ding-a-ling. Must not exist.

thinks when you join a suicide pact, you should be sure of the other person's mental status and timetable expectations.

says: if slapping you is wrong, I don't want to be right.

wants to thank you for giving weight to my argument that all men are inherent dillholes.

says if you're driving the "I want to get in their pants" truck, it has a lot of blind spots.

wants you to calm down. It was a victimless crime. Like public indecency.

has just been upgraded to a king size bed, jacuzzi tub, presidential suite in hell. Woot Woot!

this just in... Your tongue is fat too!

this might be my bad mood talking... but I kind of wish you were dead.

Rue McLanahan is gone...the Golden Girls' section in Heaven's cocktail bar is getting crowded! Stay strong Betty White! You're my last GG!

wants to know what happened to tennis socks with pom poms on the back? There ain't nothin' wrong with those!

opened the cabinet and glasses flew out at me. Is someone trying to kill me? If so, why aren't they better at it?

loves that our local news continues to prove why it's only local.

doesn't have the commitment to be a serial killer.

thinks there's regret, like I shouldn't have eaten so much cheese. And then there's REGRET.

s looking for her cyanide capsule. Have you seen it? Oh, there it is. Wait...that's a tic tac.

's fortune cookie: "You will not sucks forever."

owes so much to the massive chip on her shoulder.

has a real fear of suffocation by her own boobs. It could happen.

thinks real men carry a knife on their belt... But then again, serial killers probably do too.

says everyone knows that the first step towards recovery is narcissistic and vaguely hostile paranoia.

's twitter cycle: Tweet, tweet, tweet again, tweet more, tweet worse, stop tweeting, regret tweets, swear never to tweet again. Wait. Tweet. Repeat.

may have exaggerated her interest in you by implying she had any at all.

thinks the road to hell looks just like a Walmart parking lot.

...uh, Mr. Emo cashier? Your fly is down. Not so apathetic now, are you?

looks sooooo pretty in denial.

would be more outdoorsey if they didn't keep the bugs and dirt out there.

thinks that as far as personality glitches go, killing his last girlfriend is a pretty big one. It may possibly be a red flag.

thinks if there is such a thing as reincarnation, I was never Japanese. None of that crap is ringing a bell.

wonders why people are always saying that alcohol doesn't solve your problems. Neither does milk, but we're sure gulping that down.

says, "You're welcome, America!" For everything I am and will be. You are welcome.

just came up with a new reality show called "You done me wrong!" It's going to be a runaway hit...if anyone ever produces it...

is a professional comedian, if you don't count the fact that I don't get paid for it.

thinks commas make all the difference. "Don't drive stupid!" OR "Don't drive, stupid!" I prefer the latter.

believes in love at first sight. So much so that I don't even look homeless men in the eye. Can't risk it.

has settled on a career path! Dramatization Actress.

wonders how long I would be on hold if my call WASN'T important to them?

tells herself she's deplorable. My self seems unconcerned with that.

would make a terrible optimist.

heard hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anyone who "rested to death"?

........Well, there's my journal, posterity. 20 months of my life, summed up in Tweets. I can't help but think my life has been wasted....and if you read all of those, I wasted your life too. You're welcome!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Dating 104

In this day and age, it’s rare to meet in a traditional sense. Girls used to meet the boy next door…these days we wave politely at the boy next door and then complain about his stereo being too loud. What used to be a cute guy winking at you over the tomatoes? Now I wonder if he’s going to follow me to the parking lot and become a stalker. Besides, I’m too busy Facebooking and Twittering to meet people organically these days. I don’t have that kind of time. So how do we meet out potential dates? Online.
This can be both a great thing and a scary thing. Both a productive thing and a horrific waste of time. That’s the beauty of the Interweb.

You certainly get a broader range of people than you normally would in your day to day life. And it’s more efficient, definitely. In real life, guys don’t come with a sandwich board over their body that details their likes and dislikes, their preferences, etc. I find this very helpful.
But what I find most helpful? What they put in the “Looking for” category. When asked to describe what they’re looking for...most of these men will quickly tell you about every failed relationship they’ve had, without even having to say it.
Here are some real life examples that I’ve come across:

“I want a girl who’s relaxed about life. If you don’t like that I drink every day, stop reading now.” –Clearly a touchy subject. He’s obviously had some really uptight girlfriends who didn’t like that he’s an alcoholic.

“Looking for a woman who understands that I’m busy. With work, family and friends, I don’t have a lot of extra time.”
–Translation: Are you okay if I never call you when I say I will?

“Looking for a non-cheater!” –I’d assume this is pretty standard, but I appreciate the clarification.

“Sensitive boob seeks sensitive breast.” –You like boobs, we get it.

“Looking for a sexy woman with blue eyes.” –We’ve all got our priorities. I can’t fault him for that.

“Looking for an upbeat girl. I don’t want to constantly hear about your bad day at work or problems with your mom.” –Most guys will feign interest till they get you in bed. But not this guy…he’s letting you know upfront, he’s not here to listen.

“I want a woman who understands intelligent humor and sarcasm. If you’re easily offended, move on.” –Translation: I’m a jackass, but I wear pompous glasses…so it’s all good.

“Looking for a girl who appreciates music and art as much as I do.”
–Translation: I’m a struggling musician, will you pay for dinner?

“I would like to find a woman who wears khaki because I think that's so attracting.” -Now, right off you know that he might pay attention to your wardrobe, but English isn’t a priority with him. Also, the days of having to choose an outfit? Long gone! With this guy, you wear your khakis and you’re all set!

“No meth addicts, recovering or otherwise.” –Good, he has boundaries. Now, while I know that while meth may not be his cup of tea, perhaps he’s heroin friendly?

“Must be okay with iguanas, gerbils and hamsters because I have several.” –Okay, Dr. Doolittle. Die alone, party of one?

Online dating isn’t an easy world. But it makes for some eventful stories. I think it must have been much, much tougher to be so creepy before the internet. Here’s my profile: “Seeking a man… preferably one who doesn’t own any gerbils or iguanas, doesn’t mind that my eyes are green, is okay with me wearing jeans and not khakis, doesn’t mind that I take prescription drugs, calls relatively close to when he says he will, doesn’t have trust issues and...likes boobs.”

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Dating 103

Some of you may remember my Valentine's Day post...remember when I talked about the "smug bastards" that have already found "the one" and therefore have all kinds of advice to offer you in the dating world?
Whether it's helping you through a break-up or helping you to figure out the ins and outs of dating...they are there for you. Typically to tell you what you're doing wrong. If I had a dime for every time someone told me I should stop picking up dates at Narcotics Anonymous... sheesh. Back off! I know what I'm doing. And I've met a lot of quality guys there, thank you very much.

But seriously, usually they say something about looking at the wrong type of guy. The bad boy, the workaholic, Mr. Macho, the controller, the gym rat, the commitment-phobe, the mama's boy, etc.
But sometimes it's about what YOU are doing wrong. My favorite one? "You're too picky!"
Well, good hell, you're telling me to commit to someone for the rest of my life and you want me to not be picky? I have a really hard time buying shoes. Even when it's "Buy One Get One Free" and in this scenario, I don't get two husbands. So, I may be a tad picky... but I'm entitled to be....riiiight?

I thought so. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that these friends are right. I should, perhaps, lower my expectations a bit. Think about it... Hitler had a wife. Biographers even classify their marriage as a "good relationship." How bad do you think her previous relationships were? ... "That last guy was a real douche, always eating crackers in bed and leaving the toilet seat up...but this Hitler, he's a man who knows what he wants! World domination!"

I definitely could be too picky...I mean...Hitler found love. There really IS a freak out there for everybody.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Dating 102

One of the things that seems to stop most singles from getting out there and trying to meet new people, or to ask out that person they’ve had their eye on, or to get up the courage to express their feelings to a certain someone...
the fear of rejection. It’s a genuine fear. Nobody likes to be rejected.
Ok, that’s a lie...we’ve all seen American talent shows on reality television. Clearly *some* people enjoy rejection. But most of us don’t.

I learned one sure fire way to combat this fear: don’t accept their rejection. Works like a charm!
For example: I had a gentleman suitor express interest in pursuing a relationship with me “culminating towards marriage.”
I appreciated his boldness, his fervor, his no-nonsense attitude. However, I just didn’t see myself wanting to spend my life with him. So I kindly, gently, rationally explained why I didn’t want to pursue this relationship culminating towards marriage.
...There was a brief pause and he followed it up with, “You will reconsider.”

And damned if I didn’t. How could I not? He was so sure. I’m not sure I have any choice but to marry him. So, remember, if your love interest doesn’t respond in kind…don’t take no for an answer! They may reconsider!

Next up in the dating series... You're too picky!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Dating 101

I think some of the funniest stories in my life come from my dates, or dates my friends have. Unfortunately, due to all of the law suits…I can’t share any of them with you.
What I can share is that single life and the dating process is wonderful... and horribly hilarious at times. My perspective changes as I change. It seems to be inevitable that when you don’t have such a good time on the date, you hear from them the next day. (And sometimes every day thereafter until you change your number.) But then there is that elusive Fantastic (with a capital F) date. But then...a day passes...2 days...3 days...a week...Yet, he doesn't call. He doesn't text. He doesn't use the number he (emphasis on HE) asked for. What runs through a woman’s head as to why???

1. He's playing it cool.
2. His cell phone battery died.
3. He lost my number.
4. He's gay.
5. Wait...that can't be right, not with THAT goodnight kiss.
6. On the way home, he got kidnapped by a Somali terrorist group.
7. He's dead. And if he isn't dead, he should be.
8. He's a sadist who gets off on torturing women. I dodged a bullet. Or knife.
9. Do I have any ice cream?
10. He's definitely gay… who ate all of my ice cream?

This is how a woman works. But men, men are different...
A couple of weeks ago, I went on the most boring date I’ve ever been on (Top 5, at least.) Okay, that’s unfair. The date wasn’t boring. I have nothing against the 9th of June. But the company I kept on the 9th of June was boring. I was bored enough to finish my shopping list in my head during dinner. (Which, by the way, I also had time to alphabetize.)
At the end of the date...the really, really early end of the date... I made it clear that while I appreciated the evening, I wasn’t interested in repeating it. Hard to say to someone, but I think it’s better than just leaving someone wondering, or leading them on. No harm, no foul, it just didn’t work. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. We both move on!

I hear from him the next day.
And the day after.
And every other day since then. Turns out that while women may have 10 reasons why they haven’t heard from their recent only have one reason...

1. She must want me to try harder, I’ll call her again later.

That’s just how the dating world works sometimes. You like them...they don't like you. You don't like them...they really like you. It's a wonder anyone finds love these days! Luckily, we've got more and more reality shows devoted to teaching us how not to find love.

Tune in for the next post about Dating...the fear of rejection!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

This Just In: Acquitted, adandoned and vomited upon

It's that time again... I've been reading the news. It happens fairly infrequently, but when it does it always reminds me not to do it again any time soon!

The first story caught my eye with the headline:
"Man acquitted in death of Policeman"

That intrigued me. Typically, cop killers are punished pretty severely. I went on to read the rest of the article... here is an excerpt...

A Philadelphia man was found not guilty of murdering a policeman who died 41 years after the defendant shot him.

Ummm, back up? What was that? Here are the facts of the case:
William Barnes, now 74, shot Walter Barclay in 1966. Barclay died of a Urinary Tract Infection in 2007. Barnes served 16 years in prison for Attempted Murder after the shooting. The jury acquitted William Barnes after a week-long trial in which prosecutors tried to argue there was a chain of direct causation between his shooting of Walter Barclay in 1966 and Barclay's death from a urinary tract infection in 2007. The defense maintained that any links between the shooting and Barnes' death were broken by three car accidents, two falls from his wheelchair and neglect by nursing home staff, all of which could have contributed to ending his life.

Is it just me? Do Philadelphia prosecutors have nothing better to prosecute? Any current, reasonable crimes to charge people with? Clearly, Barnes did something wrong. 44 years ago. And he was punished for that. But you really and truly thought THIS was a good use of time and money? Remind me to commit my next crime in Philadelphia...because they won't get to it for another 40 years and I plan on being dead by then!

Next up... I bring you the tale of a sleeping passenger...

"Woman Suing After She Fell Asleep On Plane"

Ginger McGuire was aboard a United Express flight from Washington, DC to Philadelphia. She says she fell asleep during the flight. It landed shortly after midnight Tuesday but no one woke her up until a cleaning crew found her four hours later. McGuire told reporters, "I fell asleep on the plane and next thing you know I wake up, it's 4:00 in the morning. Nobody's on the plane. Nothing." McGuire has hired Geoffrey Fieger who is filing a lawsuit for false imprisonment, emotional distress and negligence.

Uhhhh...Pardon me? I have a tough time falling asleep on a flight in the first place. It's bumpy, there is a lot of noise and light, people are always moving around, etc. Not only did Ginger manage to fall asleep.... she slept for 4 hours following the flight. I think her real concern should be whether or not something is medically wrong with her. Sure, it does bring up a valid question of why the flight attendants didn't wake her upon arrival. But, are they her mother? I think not.
"McGuire has hired Geoffrey Fieger who is filing a lawsuit for false imprisonment, emotional distress and negligence."

Negligence...maybe. Not as negligent as she was, but maybe. Emotional distress? You were asleep the whole time! You were the exact opposite of distressed! False Imprisonment? I don't think so. I'm positive the Captain removed the 'Fasten Seat Belt' sign. Any imprisonment was her own doing.

Remember a minute ago when I said to remind me to commit my next crime in Phillie? I take it back. Turns out they prosecute current crimes too...

"Man admits to vomit assault at Phillies game"

21 year old Clemens stuck fingers down his own throat to induce vomiting, which he expelled all over a father and daughter after they had a fight during a Phillies Game.
I don't have anything clever to add...this one stands on it's own!

Thanks for joining me for this version of "This Just In" Readers! Till next time!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

More advertisements...

I've seen more marketing at its finest, folks! Advertisements abound all around us... and sometimes, they make us laugh...unintentionally.

Earlier today I passed a company that was selling hot tubs. They've got a million signs telling me to come look at their hot tubs and buy one today!!! And then their marketing genius at work... a GIANT inflatable duck. Sitting on a hot tub. It was too big to even fit in the hot tub, so it just sat on top of it. How many times have you seen ducks and gone... "Ahhhh, THAT'S the life. If only I were a duck. Sigh. If only."
I know I sure have.

This one was a personal advertisement, not for a business. But I saw a car the other day and written on the back window were the words "Just Divorced!"
I don't know if this was an announcement, a celebration or a personals ad. If it was a personals ad... great idea. I think I'm going to write on my back window,
"SWF seeking tall, dark and handsome. Must not live with mom OR in prison, have own transportation and willingness to commit to more than your goldfish."
On second thought, I might need a bigger window.

I was at the store the other day, and they had much of the parking lot sectioned off. There was a company there, redoing the lines in the parking lot. Apparently it's a business. They specialize in "striping." Their name? All Star Striping. Great. I know they're all-stars in the business and that they are excellent at painting stripes!
Here's where things get a little unfortunate... On the sides of their vehicle, advertising their business it clearly said, "All Star Striping" so you'd know who they were and how to get in contact with them. Unfortunately, on the back of their truck, it read "All Star Stripping."
I'll be honest, I'm more inclined to call All Star Stripping than All Star Striping.

Receptionist: "Thank you for calling All Star Striping, how may I help you?"
Me: "Uh, yeah, do you guys do bachelorette parties?"
Receptionist: "Excuse me? You want us to paint stripes on a bachelorette?"
Me: "I guess if that's part of the package. I've never seen a stripper who paints stripes, but it sounds interesting."
Receptionist: "We're STRIPERS, not STRIPPERS!"

One letter. You add a 'p' and it makes ALL the difference.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Advertising at it's finest...

Advertisements are everywhere. Big, small, flashy, boring, funny... they're everywhere. Some are more effective than others, however.

There's a billboard in Utah for a gas station/convenience store called Guads. They're billboard avertisement reads...
"I get gas at Guads!"
Uhhhh...remind me not to try their hot dogs.

I recently passed a bank in town that has one of the light-up screens. In big, flashing letters it read, "You should smell like dirt"

I'm sure that tag line must have intended to come after something else or before something else? But I sat through an entire red light and it never changed... it never flashed anything else. Just the fact that I should smell like dirt. I'm not sure why I should smell like dirt, what that has to do with a bank or why they care for me to smell like dirt. But, they sucked me in, for sure. I'm going in on Monday, with a pile of dirt and I'm going to try to deposit it into my account. I'll be rich! Filthy rich! No, literally,'s dirt...get it?

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Chop Chop

One day at a restaurant with my bff we grabbed our utensils while we waited for our food to arrive. Being as helpful as he is (and wanting to make me look like a fool) my bff grabbed some chopsticks for us since they were located right next to the forks.
We couldn't help but laugh at the Chopsticks wrapper. The following is written EXACTLY as it was on the chopsticks wrapper, capitalization and punctuation and all...

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant.
Please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks.
the traditional and typical of Chinese glonous history.
and cultural."

I especially enjoyed that they assumed my Chinese food was "nice" and that the Chinese are 'glonous' and 'cultural.' I enjoyed what they chose to capitalize and what they didn't... also... we weren't at a Chinese Restaurant... but they did welcome me to one. That was kind of them.

On the back they offered helpful suggestions for how to use them! Thank you, because the only thing I know how to do with them is use them to hold my hair up like Mulan did.

Step#1 Tuek under thumb

This is where things get dicey. I don't know what a 'tuek' is.

Step#2 Add second chopstick hold as you hold pencil

Hmmm...I tried repeatedly to use the second chopstick as a pencil, but I never managed to get it to write anything.

Step#3 Hold first chopstick in original position move second one up and down. Now you can pick up anything

This was not easy to do as they said to hold the first chopstick in the original position, which was "tuek." Also, I found this to be false advertising. Not only could I not pick up my food with these directions...I couldn't pick up "anything" as they suggested I would be able to. I really committed to this experiment. I used the chopsticks to hold the steering wheel, which resulted in a ticket. I used the chopsticks to flip off the cop who gave me the ticket...and they actually worked really well for that. Later I tried to use them in the bathroom to pick up the toilet paper... I'm ending that story there.

On the wrapper they have several Chinese characters, which I can only assume that, loosely translated, mean "Congratulations, American! You dropped rice on your shirt! Use a fork, dumbass!"