Sunday, February 22, 2009

True love and a few crushes...

Tom will always be my true love. Always has been, always will be. Until he dies and I am still in my prime. As you can see from the polaroid above...we've had some good times. As much as I love Tom...I must confess that I also have crushes. I've had crushes for as long as I can remember. When I was in kindergarten, I couldn't decide between Ryan and Kevin. They were identical twins, but vastly different, in my opinion. In the end, I kept them both. Along with Steve. And Geoff. And Brett.
Sure, I've grown up now...but I still have my crushes...
Owen Wilson. Sure, he's got the disfiguring bump in his nose. And, yes, he had that suicide attempt... but he's hilarious. He steals any movie he's in. Night In The Musuem? He was the best part! "I ain't quittin' you!"
Shanghai Noon has to be one of my favorites, and it's because of Owen. My favorite part is when he is trying to woo an Indian woman... "I'm like a wild horse. You can't tame me. You put the oats in the pen, though, and I'll come in for a nibble every day. But the minute you shut that gate, I'll jump the fence and you'll never see me again. "

Brian Douglas Williams. He is the anchor for the NBC Nightly News. Nobody delivers catastrophic news better than he does. Not only is he a pretty face, he's got this great voice to go with it. Which is why he's a news anchor. You know what else though? He's funny! That's right, funny! That's part of why I like him. He looks distinguished, acts polished...but you just never know what might happen behind closed doors. *wink, wink*
Hurricane is coming? Ah well...I'll just be watching Brian Williams tell me all about it.

Tyler Perry. Da-ang. Break me off a piece of THAT! As you can see from the picture...that's my heart in his hands. Tyler Perry is just one of those good ol' boys. I mean, sure, he dresses up like an old black lady occasionally. But, who hasn't? Really? If you can get past the cross-dressing...he's worth it.

My last crush for the day is perhaps the most unlikely crush of all...

Yes, readers, that's Jon Lovitz.
Jon "Yeah, that's the ticket!" Lovitz.

NewsRadio was one of my favorite sitcoms. It starred one of my favorite actors... Phil Hartman. Jon guest-starred on NewsRadio twice, as TWO different characters. And, after Phil Hartman's death when I was sure NewsRadio would never manage to find it's way... Jon Lovitz entered as a THIRD character, for keeps this time. Nobody could replace Phil Hartman, but Jon helped me heal.
Jon is in one of my favorite movies, 'Trapped In Paradise.' Jon cracks me up. It doesn't matter what he does, he steals the show! He's in the wedding singer for less than 3 minutes and he makes the show for me. I hate commercials...but when he did the Yellow Pages ads and the Subway ads...I always watched them. And laughed and laughed and laughed. I love me some Jon Lovitz!

Those are my crushes for the day... stop judging me.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

This Just In: Wedgie stops thief in his....tracks.

Today, on 'This Just In' I bring you the tale of a thief who was thwarted in his attempts to steal a car...

Yvonne Morris was sitting in her office next to a window when a man walked by that she said she immediately had a bad feeling about.
"I said, 'That man really looks like no good.' "
A few minutes later, Morris heard a car alarm going off. She looked out the window to see the back window of her receptionist's car broken out, and the man who had just walked past her window was sitting in the front seat.
Morris told her receptionist to call 911 and then ran outside to confront the man. When she arrived at the car, the man stood up to confront her.

"I said, 'You might as well just sit down because the police are on their way. You're done. Caught,'" she told the man.

The man turned his back and started to walk away — then took off in a sprint, Morris said. But rather than let it go, and even though the man outweighed her by a lot, she ran after him.

The man tripped, giving Morris time to catch up, grab him and sit on him.

The man wiggled his way free and took off again. And again Morris pursued. She caught him again, this time grabbing hold of his shirt and jacket which he then wiggled out of, she said.

The third time Morris caught up with him, she said she grabbed hold of the boxer shorts hanging out from his baggy pants — and pulled up.

"I gave him a good wedgie," she said. "That was the only thing available to grab on to."

Morris then put a headlock on the man and held him until someone from a neighboring business came out to assist.

"As soon as he was in the headlock he gave it up," she said. "I appreciate the fact he didn't swing at me."

Frederick Baze, 21, was booked into the Salt Lake County Jail for investigation of vehicle burglary, possession of stolen property and warrants.

Dude. You better pray that the other guys in jail don't hear about how you got caught.

Inmates: What are you in for?
Frederick Baze: Vehicle burglary, posession of stolen property...
Inmates: How'd you get caught?
Frederick Baze: This chick took me down with a horrific wedgie!
I'm still all bruised and sore.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Closet Readers...

So, I've been told by several people that I have "closet" blog readers. I don't know who these people are...I don't know if they happened here by accident, a linked blog or heard about it from the voices in their head. Who knows?!

What I do know is that they don't comment... Why don't they comment? Are they ashamed to be found even reading this blog? Are they afraid of being looked down upon for associating with me? What could it be?

Personally, for my ego, I'd like to know who is reading my blog. It would be nice to know if I have more than 15 fans. It would be nice to know what people think of my posts...which is why I enjoy comments.

Here is what I am doing today... I am requesting that the closet readers emerge from their closet...and COMMENT! Come won't hurt at all...come out, come out wherever you are!!!

Also, for your viewing pleasure, here are random locations that have visited my blog. Honestly...I don't even know where some of them are!

I have some local followers...

*Midway, Ut
*Brigham City, Ut
*Pocatello, Idaho

I also have a pretty big Asian following...

*Tokyo, Japan
*Beijing, China

Other random places in the US...

*Pickens, South Carolina
*Stockton, CA
*Kennewick, Wa
*Perkasie, Pennsylvania
*Philadelphia, PA
*Powell, Oh
*El Paso, Tx
*Sacramento, CA
*Palm Harbor, Florida
*Milton, Pennsylvania
*Berkeley, California
*Conway, Arkansas
*Lebanon, Oregon
*Brooklyn, New York
*Blacksburg, Virginia
*La Habra, California
*Whittier, California

Even the Canucks visit...

*Laval, Quebec
*Dartmouth, Nova Scotia

Last, but certainly not least, here are visitors from places I couldn't pick out on a map if my life depended on it!...

*Ichihara, Chiba
*Monterrey, Nuevo Leon
*Linköping, Ostergotlands Lan
*Kiev, Kyyivs'ka Oblast'

Who are you??? Come out and tell your story! How did you get here? Who are you? No judgments...tell us who you are...

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Look back on Lisa...

It's my birthday! Yay me! Way to live another year!!!

For my birthday, I would like to reminisce about my childhood... with pictures. One of the things that always strikes me in my childhood photos is that I have ALWAYS had really, really pretty hair. It's true. While styles may hair remained "awesome!" And by, "awesome", I mean horrific. It always looked clownish. Through no fault of my mother. There was nothing to be done. It didn't matter if it was morning, noon or hair was a mess.

This is just a preview of that was to come in my childhood years... That spiky curl came all on it's own, baby!

I didn't have much hair, yet. But as you can see...I totally worked what I did have.

My first birthday. Also featured: My mom and sister, Tara! As for my hair...most people would need a pomade and super hairspray to get that pointy look. Not me. It was all natural!

Here is where I started sporting the "bed-head" look.

It would become all the rage in the grunge and post-grunge phases. I was always a bit ahead of my time.

And here is where I embraced my golden locks and stopped styling it as a rebel! I went for a "proper" and "sweet" when I was 4. Although no longer pointy or grungy...I did manage wispy and thin.

Those were the best highlights of my hair. Pick any photo from childhood and you're bound to see the "grunge" look. It was hot!

That concludes our birthday look-back! I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Time Travel Dreaming

As most of you know, I have very vivid dreams. They are basically movies. They're really entertaining. Except when they're scary...then it sucks that they are that vivid!
But, most of the time, just entertaining.

Last night I had a bizarre dream and I'm going to tell you about it. Perhaps you can all interpret it.

My dream:

I was sitting at home, reading a book about the building of the first Transcontinental Railroad, which bridged the East and the West! The book, described in detail, the route, the laborers and the history. One of the points of the book was that around 1860 Chinese Railroad laborers were treated horribly and tens of thousands died from extreme working conditions. And the 'Cruella De Vil' of the book was Charlotte Edwards*. She was a widow to the great Railroad Tycoon, James Edwards*. James came from old money, but he increased his wealth exponentially during the Gold Rush and the Railroad building. James's death in 1862 was under suspicious circumstances and many believed it was at the hands of Charlotte, his wife. After James' death the company was left in her hands. And she cared more for profit than she did the safety of the workers. At one point, when the laborers failed to meet her expectations, she starved them for a week. Allowing nobody in or out of the camp. Charlotte Edwards was single-handedly responsible for thousands of deaths during the completion of the railroad in California.

After finishing the book I was enraged at this Charlotte Edwards woman! What kind of woman kills her own husband and then murders thousands of Chinese Immigrants for her own personal gain? Appalling!

As I was having these thoughts...I was immediately thrust back in time to 1862. It took me several minutes to realize what had happened. And my mission became very clear! I was there to save James Edwards. How would I do it? As I was trying to assess the situation... James Edwards walked in. Apparently I was a "worker" in a brothel that he frequented. As I glanced in a mirror, I realized that I was a whore...and not just that...I had a fake leg. A whore with a fake leg working at a brothel! Well, I did what I had to do. And over time, I was able to gain James' confidence. Eventually, we fell in love. I didn't plan it, nor did he. Neither of us expected it. And nothing could come of it. I was a whore and he was a wealthy businessman that came from "old money." It could never be. But I was able to talk to him about his wife, Charlotte. And that I believed him to be in danger. He didn't think Charlotte was capable of murdering him. But, since I had details, I was able to tell him what to look out for. And when that fateful night came, I begged him not to go! I begged him to stay with me! But he said if he didn't go, he would always wonder if I was right or not. So he went. I was sure that was the last time I would see James.
But I was wrong. James did not go home unprepared and in the struggle, Charlotte died. Not James. This time, James would be alive and able to run the Railroad camps. All of those deaths would be avoided! I had done what I set out to do!
But, then...why was I so sad? James and I knew we could never be. And because of that, we knew we must say goodbye. I made James promise to treat his workers with decency and humane conditions. James said he would never love again and he made me promise to never love another! As James walked out the door...

I returned back to my house, with the book in my hands about the Railroad History. With tears on my cheeks. Was it all just a dream? Had I imagined it all? As I scanned the book I had been reading...history had changed. The book spoke of James Edwards having the best working conditions out there and that he was known as a fair and honorable boss. The book said James was widowed in 1862...and that he never remarried. Tears continued down my face. Tears of joy and of sorrow....

And, that was the end of the dream.

Things I learned from this dream:

1. I'm a better person in my dreams than I am in real life. In real life...I would travel back in time to amass wealth and knowledge. Not to help others!

2. I knew a lot more about the Railroad history than I realized. I had no idea that the time line, route info, history and other junk was hanging around up in my brain. Where did it come from? I don't know what is real and what is fiction.

3. From my own experience in the dream...fake legs in the 1800's were horrible! They were wooden and didn't even bend. It made stairs extremely difficult, that's fo' sho'!

So? What does everyone think the dream meant? I can't wait for interpretations!!! Bring them on!

* Characters in this dream were fictional....I think.

Friday, February 6, 2009

25 Things about me

So...for those of you who don't facebook, there has been this '25 things about me' going around and around and around. Last count I had been tagged 28 times! I finally caved and thought I would continue it into the blogging world...

I doubt this is new as I have confessed pretty much everything! You're tag if you want to be!

1. I can't honestly think of much I haven't already revealed to everyone on my blog.

2. I love keeping a blog. I shamelessly plug it whenever possible. (that obviously doesn't apply here...but, whatever)

3. I'm convinced that my soul mate is named Lamar Leroy Purvis. He likes to camp, fish, hunt, he's a mama's boy, he vacations in Wyoming, He's a quarter inch shorter than me but would never admit it, he has a truck with a gun rack, he took me camping on our Honeymoon and made me eat only what we could catch in "the wild", we'll have two boys named Lamar Jr. and Leroy, he only listens to rap and country from the 60's and 70's, his idea of a "date night" is taking me to the 'crick' and catching frogs... I could go on and on. But, suffice it to say, I'm hoping to remain single forever......It's better than becoming Lisa Purvis.

4. I have TiVoed an infomercial.

5. I believe skittles count as real fruit.

6. I think my teeth look like fangs. (which goes great with the white skin and black hair)

7. I'm not scared of heights, per se. But I am terrified of falling from any height. Off the curb, off a chair, off a building, off a cliff...any of them.

8. I think that the cure for AIDS has already been found but it was found by a guy who hasn't told anyone because he believes in natural selection. "Thinning the herd", so to speak.

9. I think conspiracy theories are fun. Most of them are probably not true...but they could be.

10. I hold my breath when I flush the toilet. Here's why: I once heard on Oprah that your toothbrush should be 6ft or more from the avoid any contamination. Well, shouldn't my lungs be more than 6 ft away when I flush??? I can get a new toothbrush. I can't get a new set of lungs! I've been trying on ebay for years! I'm currently trying to invent some kind of reaching device that will flush my toilet from a distance.

11. I'm a wee bit paranoid about germs.

12. I believe I have superpowers.

13. I think Princess Diana was murdered. Even more, I think it was the Queen of England who was behind it. I watch every documentary, read every article and read the transcripts from ever inquest done. Don't get me started.

14. I can't stand fart air. I'm convinced poop particles are floating into my lungs and that I'm being contaminated.

15. I'm not kidding when I say I wish I had been born a royal Princess. I will watch any show where a normal girl finds out she has royal bloodlines or where she marries a prince. I'll watch any of them, because I want to believe it could happen!

14. I still watch Beverly Hills Troop and enjoy it.

15. I think Lizzie Borden got a bum rap.

16. I want to marry a guy with the last name 'Man' so that I can name my daughter 'Ida.' This also may be why I never have children. God doesn't want me to name them. Poor Ida Man.

17. One of my superpowers is a super smeller. This is not a gift. I can smell anything from any distance.

18. I don't think OJ got a fair trial this time. I really don't. I mean, first he gets accused of a murder he obviously DID not commit (the glove didn't fit, people!) and now he gets taken down for merely retrieving some of his own possessions. He didn't know that doing so at gunpoint was illegal. Cut him some slack!

19. I think the demise of our civilization lies in the hands of reality tv.

20. My second superpower is the ability to see germs. This is not a gift either. I swear when people sneeze, I can see their germs float around and land on things. And it's like this neon green substance going from one surface to another.

21. I would join a gang. If that gang liked to watch tv, take nice trips around the world, wear comfy sweat pants and hated to cook. I would be all up in their grill!!!

22. I think the word whatnot is fabulous.

23. My sister and I have gotten my mother to appreciate our taste in music. I have not only found her singing 'sexyback' by Justin Timberlake, but also 'Hot in Herre' by Nelly.

24. I think there should be some kind of drug put into every one's water systems so that when they fart...the air around them turns green or blue or something. Why? Because public farters are the worst! I'm the unsuspecting shopper who rounds a corner into a new aisle...and BLAMO. Fart air. If there was a green cloud to follow...we could confront the public farters and humiliate them as they deserve!

25. I don't think any one of you out there could last ten minutes in my head.

Monday, February 2, 2009

It's all you, Commenters. (Comments Tag)

One of my favorite parts about blogging are the comments! So, on this special day...a day we all know and love... Groundhog's Day, we take a look at random comments from random blog entries on my own blog! They are in no particular order and I've decided to leave out the identities of those who wrote them. Most of them are pretty obvious, but I didn't want to be blamed.

It's long, but there is a challenge at the end...

1.Thanks for believing in me.-Jack Bauer

2. Oooooh, I hate you so much!- Nina Myers

3. I shall miss you. Clearly the spiders are winning. Even as I write this, I know they're closing in. I'm certain I could fend them off if only I had a roll of toilet paper. But alas, I am without.

4. I'm still convinced that a gnat flew up my nose and is now taking over my brain. Stupid gnats!!!!

5. "Natural Lime Stone", a likely story! HA! Everyone knows that it's heated with magic troll farts.

6. As a cat-loving closet lesbian (coincidentally of French-Canadian origin), I must take offense at some of your unwarranted snarkiness, but I do agree that Céline Dion is one big dreadfully annoying bizatch.

7. You will pay! We WILL find out where you live! You will give us all intel! We will succeed!

8. Deep Fryer! It just sits there waiting for you to fry anything. And I do mean anything. And don't worry about changing the grease. The more you fry the more flavor for next time. It's truly a modern day miracle! It also helps to eat healthy (I think). Have you ever had a deep fried celery stick? Mmm mmm good. It tastes just like the last thing you fried. For me that was corn dogs. Veggies never tasted so good!

9. Wow, I didn't know that Chester was already out of rehab. Next time you see him tell him I said hi. I'm glad you found your "special purpose". This is exciting. I know he is married and has a daughter nearly your age, but none of that should deter you. I mean you are who you are, right? i know your partial to Chester but if you need some extra help I have a great inspirational leader. His name is Phil Livestrong. His philosophy is "Live right, live free and Livestrong"

10. I've worked in a nursing home, I am familiar with old penises. No need to go to a museum filled with em'. Been there, done that, never again!

11. How dare you! has brought many successful couples together. Off the top of my head are Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley. Oh and don't forget John Mayer and all of his lovely ladies...

12. So you don't want people on food stamps to have pride in their stamps? Seems to me the government should give these out with food stamps just so people will take pride in their government!

13. My pillow is flesh colored so that I can sit on it naked and no one will notice.

14. The best way to get a job in arson is to show them how good you are. I recently applied for two different jobs. One is Hollywood, CA at a studio and the other at a Governor's mansion in Texas. Turns out that the Governor of Texas wasn't looking for an arsonist. Whoops! But the Hollywood Studios job is looking promising. I got a call today. They said not to leave the state and to stay here. They are sending people to me right now. No doubt they will be giving me an offer I can't refuse!

15. I applaud her effort to bring this injustice to the public. I have the right to try on thongs without worry of injury. Victoria secret should be ashamed! I also believe that these articles of clothing should have instructions and specifically state what gender they are designed for. I personally have suffered from this lack of thought. I wore a thong on a recent 3 day 40 mile hike in extreme heat and humidity. I bought the said thong thinking that less is better with all the heat and moisture. You know, chaffing. Well I wasn't aware of how these were supposed to be worn. Apparently I wore it backwards. After several high voiced arguments with the cashier she finally told me that they weren't made for men. Needless to say I was extremely embarrassed. I left the store so quick that I broke a heel on my high pumps.

16. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Ugh and Ewww.

17. My favorite spider story is when we found an enormous spider in the downstairs bathroom and then took a picture via camera phone and texted it to dad who was upstairs in bed. He completed his blue duties and came downstairs and killed it!! You really have a bad time with spider attack attempts. You've got some really bad spider karma.

18. Another thought: Perhaps flies are the ultimate practical jokers. Besides babies and mice of course. If the purpose of a practical joke is to make someone look foolish for everyone else's amusement, then I submit that flies, babies, and mice are the holy trinity of practical jokers and the rest of us can only look on in awe.

19. I recently ordered Naval History. Turns out it's just about the Navy....boring! I was really looking forward to learning more about the history of belly buttons.

20. I wish I could care but you didn't even call on my 8 month re birthday. As a matter of fact you didn't even come to the ceremony. It wasn't easy to reserve a room in the Maternity hospital and to reenact the birth. Not to mention the cost of my stay in the nursery. Come to find out those plastic carriers for the babies are not that strong. So again, why should I care about your 1/2 birthday. The least you could have done is send a "It's a Boy" bouquet to Mom.

21. Dearest Lisa,

If I'd known that you would be blogging I never would have even done The Matrix. Could I play you in the movie version of your blog?

All my love, lust, and sloppy nookie,
Keanu "Sex Kitten" Reeves

22. Drive up the window of any Fast Foot restaurant ( that has a guy at the window, go to another one if there is a women) wink once with your left eye, twice with your right eye, smile big, wrap your hair around your left index finger and pull your right ear with your right index finger and thumb. Now say "illwa ouya arryma ema?"

23. This just in from Lisa's own mouth......Clay Aiken is Barry Manilow's love child!

24. I found this post by googling warts. Thanks, I think you've cured my little problem "down there".

25. Jack is such a good actor, I don't know how he manages to play such a icky character all of the time. He was so deep into the "Keifer" role earlier this year that he got drunk and then drove his car and then got picked up for it and then went to jail all the while acting and he never broke character. Amazing!! And did he get the Oscar (Emmy? Grammy? Academy Award? VMA? I never remember what award is for what)nominee? Nope. He got robbed!!

26. Thanks for saving me from years of health and happiness. Now I'll forever be alone, sick, and miserable like all the cool people.

27. They were walking together when she noticed that her shoelace was untied. She bends over to tie it, and then he lets one rip. She says to him, "Bob, You ass! You knew I was bending over to tie my shoe. You did that on purpose. And my mouth was open!"
"What? I didn't do it!"
"Yes you did! You always do that! Did I mention My MOUTH WAS OPEN! I got a mouth full of fart pie!"
"I told you, I DIDN'T DO IT!!!"
"You're an old fart, Bob; you probably forgot by now!"
"FINE". . .

28. Having thoroughly examined your spider bite via the magic of the interweb, we at the National Center for Spider Bite Identification, Treatment, and Occasional Pronouncement of Fatalities are convinced that you won't survive.- Warmest regards,
Reinhold Snotweiler

29. RUBEN IS FAT???? (passes out)

30. You know, if the Electric Blanket's of the world didn't discriminate against bedwetters, I'd totally use one.

31. I'd vote for Barack Hussein Osama bin Biden before John Mussolini Dahmer Hitler McInane.

32. This just in...this post rocks.

33. Oh the horror! I have had food thrown at me while driving. It is a terrifying event. I mean what do you do? Hold on to the wheel or protect your face? You can't imagine the pain of a french fry in your hair or a pickle on your cheek.

34. That's where I left my heart! I've been looking for it all over!

35. I had a friend who drank way too much in high school. He would say,"I've had like fifteen or three beers tonite!" His name was Tarterg. Yeah, he's my hero.

36. I have one confession, it involves mirrors. I can't walk past a mirror without staring into it. No its not what you think. Although tempted, I'm not looking at my butt. And yes, it is getting bigger. as a child I took the Bloody Mary dare. I said her name three times in the dark, turned on the lights, and...she didn't appear. To this day I look for her in every mirror. She has not showed up yet. Maybe she's on Mormon time.

37. Suck Up!!!!!!

38. This isn't very nice, but I'll say it anyway; that kid won't be able to get through life on his looks and with such an awful name.....I'm not sure there is much hope at all.

39. I had a pet spider once. I named him Klmn. Pronounced Kay-le-my-n. Anyway, one of our favorite activities together was tickle fights. Right when I get out of the shower and I'm still not dressed, I would let Klmn walk all over me. His furry little legs would cause me to burst into laughter! He would tickle me so much. It was great! Well one day he figured out that I'm most ticklish on my back. I was laughing so hard I was going to pee on myself. I couldn't control it. Next thing I know I'm rolling around on the floor hysterical with laughter. In my utter amusement I flicked Klmn off of me and onto the floor. He fell right onto my sandal that was laying upside down on the floor. At the height and force that he fell Klmn had no chance. I pray that he felt no pain.

So there I am kneeling on the floor, naked, with Klmn little body on my sandal. Just as I pick up my sandal to take Klmn to a proper burial place, he always wanted his ashes spread over an exterminator as a show of strength, I turn around and see 412 of his siblings staring at me. "It's not what it looks like" I screamed. But the damage was done.

Now I spend my days trying to prove that Klmn's death was an accident. Of course, Spider world doesn't understand. There is a spider bounty on my head for 35 flies. Which is equivalent to about 1 million dollars here. 201 of his sibling have taken a vow of death to bring me to justice. I spend my days looking for proof that it was just an accident. I also do quite a bit of spider volunteer work. All in a futile effort to show the spiders that I mean no harm to them. It's very difficult to fight off bounty hunter spiders with out hurting them. But this is the burden I carry all in the name of friendship.

40. You had me at "nom, nom, nom"

I hope you enjoyed the comments as much as I did! The challenge is to pick at least ten random comments from your own blogs! Have fun reminiscing!