Monday, December 29, 2008

Fanilow no more...

It is true. I was raised on the music of Barry Manilow. My mom was a Fanilow...ergo, I was a Fanilow. As I've matured, Barry's classics always remain a hit with me. Who doesn't shake it to CopaCabana? I dare you to remain unmoved during Could it be Magic?! I dare you!
As Barry has aged, his upper lip has disappeared even more. His fake tan is becoming more concerning and his skin appears to be falling off along with his weight. His hair and face and dance moves remind me of a premature baby bird attempting to take flight from the nest.
Even with all of this...I remained a Fanilow. It is a part of my blood. I remain, forever, a faithful Fanilow.
As Barry lost credibility in the main stream pop market, as he was relegated to radio stations of adult contemporary music...he came up with a brilliant idea! In order to regain his street cred, he put out a cover album... Barry singing the hits of the 50's!
It was fine...we're okay with you singing Unchained Melody. Who likes it anyway? But Barry got bored with the 50's and soon moved into the 60's. I was okay with him singing 'Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head' but thought he pushed it a little too far with 'What The World Needs Now Is Love'... but, I let it slide. Barry soon grew tired of the 60's and moved guessed it...the 70's! I was okay with that. He sang 'You've Got a Friend' and who cares if he redid that? And Barry had some of his own classics hits from the 70's. I was okay with Barry in the 70's.

But then Barry did the unforgivable. He did. He made a collection of 80's hits! Oh no he di'int! Oh, no, he, did, not.
I am sickened. How dare he? Chicago? Rick Astley? And Richard Marx? Are you kidding me Barry?!?!?! How dare you?! I can never forgive this. You know what I am looking forward to? 'Barry Manilow sings the hits of the 00's!' I can not wait for Barry's rendition of Justin Timberlake's 'Sexyback' or Gwen Stefani's 'Wind It Up' or Britney's 'Womanizer.'

***I am sorry if this post offended any Fanilows. I almost disabled comments because I was fearful of the backlash...but I felt you should be able to express yourselves too.***

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Not funny...

Happy Holidays! I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. I know I did. I had five days off in a row... what did I do with them, you might be asking???

I was sick. Yup, I chose to spend my time off doing what I do best...being sick. Next year, when I can't really remember this Christmas, remind me that I was hopped up on cold pills and a fever.

I don't know what I'm sick with, exactly. I assume it's some kind of plague that they thought was eradicated in the 1800's. But, I brought it back! Yay me! I'm an over-achiever.

I know you've all thought this before, but I have to put it out there... WHO approved cold medicine's packaging? Who is the sadistic son of a nutcracker who thought that was a good idea?
Does he think it's funny? It ain't!

Even when I am fully functioning and feeling well, cold pills are SO hard to open. Cut to me: completely sick, weak from coughing, middle of the night, can't breathe...can't sleep...too tired and achy to move much...need cold pills... have to call in reinforcements to open them. It's ridiculous!
I nearly sliced open my finger one night when I was trying to open the pills for some "relief."

Emergency Room Doctor: "And how did you cut off your pinky finger?"
Me: "Well, I hab a colb anb I was sho tiwed anb coulbn't seep anb twied to oben my phills..."
Emergency Room Doctor: "I've seen it a million times."

Friday, December 19, 2008

Annoyingly honest heart beats with torture...This Just In!

Happy Holidays readers!

I'm taking time out of my busy Holiday schedule to bring you the news I find most important!
True, the Blagojevich drama has been fun for all of us. And I must admit I laughed at his first public statement that was released today...

But that's not what brings me to you today, Readers!

Today I am trying to gain enough support so that our legislators will listen to us and perhaps pass the same law that a city in Michigan just did...

Ticking someone off could get you a ticket in one Michigan city. The Brighton City Council on Thursday approved an ordinance allowing police in the Livingston County community to ticket and fine anyone who is annoying in public "by word of mouth, sign or motions."

FINALLY! I've been trying to do something about annoying people for years. I usually take to violence as the answer, but perhaps this is better.

Next up... accident,'s fate you moron! What am I talking about? The first time you run across a load of cash that isn't turn it in. The second time? Fate is telling you to keep it!

A Maine man found a wallet stuffed with cash on the floor in a home improvement store. Two days later, he found a loaded money bag in the same store. Gil Steward was shopping Tuesday at The Home Depot in Auburn when he spied the wallet, which was stuffed with nearly $1,000 in $100 bills. He returned it to The Home Depot store's service counter, and it was returned to a very grateful owner.On Thursday, same hour and same store, Steward saw a green money bag on the floor. Again, it was returned to its rightful owner.

Seriously. The first time you were being tested and tempted. The second time? It was fate.

Next Up...

Shocking study finds that most will torture, if ordered. Some things never change. Scientists said on Friday they had replicated an experiment in which people obediently delivered painful shocks to others if encouraged to do so by authority figures.

Seventy percent of volunteers continued to administer electrical shocks -- or at least they believed they were doing so -- even after an actor claimed they were painful, Jerry Burger of Santa Clara University in California found.

"What we found is validation of the same argument -- if you put people into certain situations, they will act in surprising, and maybe often even disturbing, ways," Burger said in a telephone interview. "This research is still relevant."

I don't think we needed a research study to figure this out. I would torture someone, even if I wasn't ordered. And probably even if I was ordered NOT to torture them. Torture is a means to an end, people! And if I need to torture someone to get TV Spoilers for my favorite tv shows... I would do it.


Pathologists puzzled by heart found at a car wash...

PAW PAW, Mich. – Pathologists who examined a heart found this week at a southwestern Michigan car wash still haven't determined whether it came from a human or an animal. They plan to submit the organ for DNA testing in an effort to find out once and for all. The owner of Soapy's Car Wash in Paw Paw discovered the heart Monday on the floor of a manual car wash bay.
Local doctors said it's about the size of a human heart, but they couldn't tell for sure whether it actually came from a person.

My first concern (of course) is... what was a human OR animal heart doing in the car wash? More importantly... I can save them several weeks, man-power and money in DNA testing. It's obviously a dog heart, not a human heart. How do I know this? Uh, hello... it was found in PAW PAW, Michigan. Paw paw...hello?! Paw? Dog PAW??? Dog heart!

That's all for today, Readers! I hope you feel like you're more informed about the world around you! Happy Holidays!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Advice by Lisa: When horror turns to whore...

Dear Lisa Marcell,

I am in desperate need of your advice, you wisest of all sage's. I am flat-out broke, and the holiday season has approached me. I would love to get gifts for my family and friends, but don't know how I will earn the money. I have contemplated entering the "female escort" business, or cooking up Meth from Sufredrin. Which do you think would be the best choice?

Waiting on you,

Dear Two-Dollar Matilda,

The Holiday times are upon us and tis the season for gift giving! Which may leave us feeling desperate for moola! It sounds as though you have several reasonable options at your disposal! Congratulations!
I must caution you against creating a meth lab, however. It sounds easy, and sure, you meet a lot of really great people in the process...but take it from someone who has been isn't all perfect and rosy. Occasionally, meth labs blow up! And I find it impossible to create meth without getting addicted to it. You don't want to meth up your life, trust me.

That leaves us with your second option of becoming a female escort. It can be very lucrative, and meet a lot of really great people in that trade. Unfortunately, people tend to look down upon those in that industry. When people learn of your profession, they quickly try to mask feelings of disgust and horror.

If you want to keep your upstanding reputation as a meth creator intact, you might want to consider another alternative... PHONE ACTRESS! If you've got a home phone and no personal boundaries, this may be the work-from-home business for you! It pays well, you get to use your imagination and you can still be a stay at home wife and mother! The hours are very flexible as men like to get their jollies at all hours of the day and night, so you can fit it around your schedule!

I think for your own safety and reputation, the best way to bring in extra cash this holiday season will to be in spreading Holiday Cheer over the phone!

Happy Holidays, Lisa Marcell

Why didn't I think of that?

Well, Readers, it's the Holiday Season! Once again we are faced with the struggle of finding the perfect gift for everyone on our list! I have found a website that makes it easier to please everyone on your Christmas list this year! It's the 'As Seen On TV' website! These products are ingenious, useful and often have me wondering how I've managed this long without it!

Do you strain when you drain??? Love pasta but don't have the time to watch the water boil? Not anymore! Get the Pasta lover on-the-go in your life the Fasta Pasta!

Is there someone on your list who wants to get in shape, but lacks the time and motivation? I have just the gift for you...

It's an electronic Ab tightener! You wear it around your waist and it tones up your abs in no time! You can work in it, run in it, cook in it or even play in the rain with it! Help the fatty in your life shape up without putting forth any effort!

Is there someone in your life who loves fried, battered food but doesn't have the time to batter all of their favorite fried goodies??? Look no further than the Batter Pro! Now you can batter and fry your food even when you don't have the time! 10 seconds or less!

"The revolutionary way to batter all of your food in under 10 seconds."

My personal favorite? The Slanket! There have been so many times when I've been freezing cold on the couch, but still needed my hands to type, text or hold a book! But, guess what? If your hands are outside the blanket, your arms and shoulders are freezing! But if I covered up...I was committed to laying under the blanket and getting nothing accomplished! Why can't I have it both ways? Well, guess what??? Now you can with the Slanket! "The Slanket gives you the freedom to do more while being wrapped up in a warm blanket!" And doesn't she look comfy? She's able to stay toasty AND read! Thanks Slanket! Readers...I hope this gift guide has helped you with your Christmas shopping this year. I leave you with... The Slanket. Happy Holidays!

Monday, December 8, 2008

I blame Natalie. And I have proof.

Have you ever heard the storyline of that movie 'The Ring'? If you haven't...all you need to know is that there is this scary videotape and if you watch it, you will die within 7 days of watching it. UNLESS, you make a copy of that tape and show it to someone else. Then you're spared, but they are totally hosed. It's supposed to be super scary. I saw it and I didn't believe any of it and thought it was kinda lame. Until now...

Wednesday, December 3rd
My own, sweet sister-in-law posts an entry on her blog about her microwave being broken. She can't heat anything up!
I was sympathetic, of course. I figured it was just a normal blog entry...just a sharing of day-to-day activities. It wasn't. I realize now that much like the movie The Ring, Natalie had to share her story with others so that her microwave could be fixed at the expense of someone else's microwave.

Thanks Natalie. Our microwave has worked perfectly since we bought it. It heats when we need it to, keeps things warm when we need it to and even tells me the time! Suddenly, not too long after Shawna, my Mom and I read your blog entry about YOUR microwave being broken...our Microwave is trashed. No warning. No smoking. No flickering lights. Nothing. It just stopped.

I blame Natalie. And I think her blog entry was proof enough. I write this blog to not only tell the world of Natalie's evil scheme with her blog, and to warn others not to read it...but I am also sharing this blog entry in hopes that one of you will read it and fix our microwave by destroying your own.

I'm sorry folks. It's every microwave for themselves.

Friday, December 5, 2008

This Just In....ANOTHER story of food abuse.

This is getting kind of ridonklulous! Whatever happened to the good old days where people fought with words, hands and well-recognized weapons? Now it's Macaroni, a sandwich... and This Just In....


A man faces a domestic violence charge after authorities said he assaulted his girlfriend with a cheeseburger. The report said the man would not let the woman out of the vehicle, so she threw his drink out of the car. In response, the man allegedly grabbed her arm and smashed the cheeseburger into her face. The pair got out of the car, and authorities say the man again took the McDonald's sandwich and put it on her face.

I mean, yeah...McDonald's isn't that great. It's usually pretty nasty. But, food in the face? Everyone knows the only acceptable food in the face is a pie or cake. Clearly, desserts are the designated face smashing food.

I guarantee you if he had thrown a pie in her face nobody would be charging him with anything other than clowning around!!!

The most important part of this article is "she threw his drink out of the car."
I kinda think she had the hamburger in the face coming to her. She threw his drink out the window! I'd be ticked! You don't mess with my cola!

People, eat your food. Don't fight with it.

Monday, December 1, 2008

RSVP, plus 1.

One of the annoying things about having such a common name is that so many other people have MY name. It's just not right! It's my name. Until recently, I've never had an email address that was just my own name. As you can imagine, lisaharper is taken on yahoo, hotmail, live, etc... I've always been lisaharper8,462...Until Google came along. When Google introduced Gmail my luck began to change! The fates smiled down upon me, the stars aligned, lady luck was mine. Now I hold

All those other Lisa Harpers out there can bow to me! I am the master!

I was elated to have such a simple address. No lisa.harper for me, no lisa81harper for me. Nope. The only down side was that I began to receive a lot of emails that weren't intended for me...they were intended for some other shmoe named Lisa Harper. This bothered me for a while. Until I realized, I just became more popular without having to put forth any effort whatsoever! I get invited to all kinds of shindigs and you better believe that I RSVP every single time! I have a very busy social calendar now.

---On December 6th I will be attending a Taste-Testing party at Delectables Fine Catering
"The Bay Area's Most Prestigious Caterer" Apparently I've been trying to decide whether or not to hold my wedding/reception there. I'm still interested, so I am going to the taste testing on the 6th. It's in Palm Beach, Florida. I RSVP'd 1 plus 3. (the +3 is my husband-to-be, his mom and my mom, of course.) It's so hard to decide where to have your dream wedding, so I am looking forward to this! They promised me a "smashing menu!"

---On December 15th I will be attending "The Body Shop" Open House in Orlando, FL. My dear, dear friend Petra Livera is throwing this little gathering and I couldn't help but support her! I asked her if I could bring a friend and she said "the more the merrier!"

---On December 3rd I will be paying my respects to a Mr. Brian Hubbard in Allentown, PA. At this point it is unclear on how I know him. But I would never forgive myself if I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. Apparently he was pretty old and it was time for him to go. And I hear it was peaceful in the end. I hope it was. There will be a light lunch following the service. RSVP, plus 1.

---My dear friend (or perhaps relative), Regina Hayes has been sending me several emails of warnings and special messages. The most recent:

I found this piece of paper tucked in a book of scriptures in the dictionary section about angels. I know you all know how wonderful and righteous dad was. These words are absolutely precious to me, and know they will be to you too. I'm so thankful that he would take the time to write something so inspiring to his children.

"As the birthdays come and go and life becomes a strand of glittering memories high and low strung by the Father's hand.
May every pearl upon the string be precious to your heart and every memory bring a joy that won't depart.


She's right. Dad was something special. I don't know if he's my dad, or uncle or grandfather. Or if I am just a good family friend. But, it was touching, nonetheless.

---And, the creme de la crop... I have been invited as the Guest Speaker of a luncheon at the Ritz Carlton in Pasadena, CA. Included is an 'about me' for Lisa Harper..."Rarely are the terms hilarious storyteller and theological scholar used in the same sentence, much less used to describe the same person…but then again, Lisa Harper is anything but stereotypical! She has been lauded as a gifted communicator, whose writing and speaking overflows with colorful pop culture references that connect the dots between the Bible era and modern life. Her style combines sound scriptural exposition with easy-to-relate to anecdotes and comedic wit."
How could I pass that up? I couldn't. I RSVP'd plus 1, of course. I'm flattered. I hardly know what I'm going to say...but I have's in February.