Thursday, November 27, 2008

Thanksgiving Tag

Soooo.... Natalie tagged everyone for Thanksgiving. I'll be honest, I didn't plan on doing it. I'm just that kind of lazy. But, here it is Thanksgiving Day and I have a warm, fuzzy feeling and I thought I should participate. (Plus, it's not often I post seriously.)

Drum Roll please.... (The following are numbered 1-10 but do not necessarily reflect my thankfulness in a ranking order...)

1.The color PINK! It doesn't matter what it is, everything looks better in pink. A normal M&M is good...but make it pink and it is delicious! The world looks better through rose-colored glasses, it is true. Pink makes me happy, it makes me feel pretty and makes me feel like a princess. What other color can do that? None of them! Pink rocks.

2. The Atonement, Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father. I have so frequently taken for granted Their unconditional love and guidance. There have been times when I have turned away from Them, times when I deliberately chose alternate courses. What I know is that Their love will always be there, and that there is always a way back. And I am so thankful for that.

3. My hearing. I know that's a weird one, but it's true. Sometimes I get annoyed with loud noises or rude people when I'm out and about. And then I think about how sad it would be to not be able to hear. To miss out on my niece's and nephew's laughter, to miss out on my family all sitting around the table, talking over the top of one another. I would miss out on so much. I am so grateful to be able to hear the world around me. Which leads me to.....

4. Music! I love music. It is constantly on. Whether I am at home, at work, in the travels everywhere with me. I am always amazed at how I can always find a song that suits my mood, how I can find a song with lyrics that say exactly what I needed to hear. And that a song can instantly transport me into a memory. I love me some music!

5. The ability to find humor in nearly every situation. Many times when it is highly inappropriate. I am grateful to be able to laugh at myself and at others. Laughter makes everything seem lighter and more manageable. I am truly grateful for a sense of humor.

6. The interweb. I honestly don't know what we did before the interweb. Now that we have the interweb, I never have a question go unanswered. If I wonder about it...someone has written about it! It's fantastic. What did they do 40 years ago? I imagine that people were mostly clueless. If they had a question, guess what? They died wondering!

7. Books. What would my life be without books? Well, I might get more done. Who knows. Truly, I am the biggest nerd. I know this. I am comfortable with this. I love books. They transport me to another time and place. And I have the most random trivia in my head because I once read it in some book. You have a lifeline on a game show? I am good person to call.

8. That I wasn't born in Pioneer times. More power to them...I couldn't have done it. Trek across the plains? I just don't see me doing it. I'd like to say I would have gone with faith. But chances are, I would've stayed put on my fat butt. Trek? Doubtful. I am grateful for Pioneer Day though. In Utah we get a day off!

9. My Parents. I cannot ever express my gratefulness for my Dad and Mom. They have time and time again provided me with a sanctuary to come to so that I could find the right path. I have made so many mistakes and at times wondered how they could keep believing in me, keep helping me. But they have. They have provided for me financially and emotionally through trials that they did not ask for. I can truly say that without my Dad and my Mom I would not be here today. I can never be grateful enough for everything that they have done, for the support they have given me. I love them and am thankful for them every day.

10. Hand Sanitizer. You have no idea how much richer, fuller and brighter my life has been since I've been killing 99.9% of germs. There are so many gross things in this world. It makes me feel safer just knowing I'm killing as many germs as I can. I feel like it's my duty in this life, my way of helping the world. Kill as many germs as possible. Plus, the scent??? Nothing says sexy quite like the smell of antibacterial wipes. Mmmmm. I imagine that Mr. Right wears sanitizer as his cologne. Thank you, whoever invented them. Thanks to them, I can actually go out in public.

There you have it...I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! May you all have a warm and fuzzy your heart. Happy Thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

This Just In... stories of abuse, ripped from the headlines!

Dear Readers,

This time on "This Just In" I am bringing you stories of domestic violence. Readers, can I be serious for just a moment? Abuse is never something to laugh about, and anyone in an abusive relationship should seek help immediately.
All of that being said...I couldn't help but laugh when reading the following stories...


An unemployed man faces a domestic assault charge after he allegedly attacked his girlfriend last Saturday for making him macaroni for dinner. the woman called for help after locking herself in a bathroom.

I know, I know...macaroni is hardly what anyone could call a gourmet meal. But to resort to violence over that? It seems a little uncalled for. I'm just imagining a conversation:

Man: "Hey honey, what's for dinner?"
Woman: "Macaroni." (she answers while draining the noodles)
Man: What? Macaroni?!?!?! I specifically asked for rack of lamb! You will rue the day you ever served me macaroni!!!"

(Woman runs to bathroom and calls 911)

911 Operator: "911, what is your emergency?"
Woman: "He's gone crazy! He's flinging noodles everywhere! One noodle hit my retina and it was still hot! Help!!!"
911 operator: "Ma'am, hang tight, we're sending a couple of officers as well as a K-9 unit to eat the fallen macaroni."

Also, it was unclear from the article on whether or not she also cooked him fish sticks to go with his macaroni. If I was on the jury, I'd need to know if fish sticks were involved or not. It could sway my vote!

Next up...


A man faces a domestic battery charge after allegedly hitting his girlfriend with a sandwich as she was driving on the Interstate. Police said the 19-year-old man became angry and hit the woman in the arm and face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off.
The victim nearly lost control of the car because she couldn't see the road.

It's been a drive by sandwiching! Was it a hot sandwich? Did it have hard bread? Did he find out she got him light mayo? All of these things would play a factor for me if I was on the jury. For all we know, she tried to take a bite from his sandwich. In which case he had every right to fling it at her. I can just imagine being on the road and seeing a car drive out of control and thinking they were drunk driving...nope...just sandwich driving.

It's all fun and games till someone gets a sandwich in the face! Or a noodle in the eye!

I hope these couples seek counseling.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Secret lover....

It's official...the 24 countdown has begun! Every time we break from the show, I think I can stop any time...I don't need it...I barely even like it... WHO AM I KIDDING??????????????? I watched the trailer and my heart is pounding, I'm on the edge of my seat, I'm glued to the screen and suddenly...I don't know how I've lived without my 24.


Just for fun, here are the Facts about Jack "Freaking King" Bauer!

Facts About Jack Bauer

1. If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

2. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man. (This one completely supports my previous post about Jack being real)

3. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

4. Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd . No one fools Jack Bauer.

5. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys

6. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack 'freaking king' Bauer hates lemonade.

7. Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.

8. Jack Bauer played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

9. On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.

10. It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.

11. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

12. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

13. Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using neither rock, paper nor scissors.

14. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

15. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9% of germs. Jack Bauer can kill 100% of whatever he wants to.

16. Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

17. Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

18. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

19. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

20. It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."

21. When President Palmer started doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".

22. Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.

23. Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

24. Alex Trebek once asked Jack Bauer the question, "What's your idea of a perfect game show?" He replied with, "I'm the contestant and I ask the questions around here." Jeopardy was born at that moment.

25. If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

26. Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.

27. Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been
looking for him.

28. What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

29. Mission Impossible is just another way of saying Mission Without Jack Bauer.

30. When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.

Hope you enjoyed the top 30 facts about Jack! I miss him...I can't wait for the show to start...let the real time countdown begin...

Thursday, November 6, 2008

You were always on my mind....

I hope, after reading the blog title, that you have Willie Nelson in your head singing "Always on my mind..." If I suffer, so must you.

So, I've been told that someone* hates logging on to my blog because they no longer want to see the disturbing wedding pictures of Manuel Uribe. And that he doesn't like the Tasmanian Devil ones either.
(*I won't name names, but it was my brother. And it wasn't Nolan. In pig latin, it was ryan-bay. And someone seconded it...again, I won't name names, but it was Bryan's father-in-law)
I must deliver to my fan base, albeit a small one!

I thought I would tell you about a few pressing issues on my mind. (Thus the post title and Willie Nelson song) Here goes...

1. I have been really fed up with politics as of late. I've seen a lot of hurt feelings, a lot of contention and quite frankly...I don't think I've ever hated a political season more than I have this one.
To be upfront, I didn't vote for either candidate. I wrote in Jack Bauer. And I have a previous post about why I couldn't vote for McCain OR Obama. McCain eats babies and Obama was a terrorist in disguise. (read my previous blog for more in depth "proof" on that)

But, no matter who you voted for...the people have spoken, Obama won! He is the President Elect.
(In a side do I become 'Lisa Marcell Harper, Princess Elect'? If anyone knows, please tell me.)

So, I was planning on supporting Obama. He won, he will be my president. I said...clean slate, let's see what he can do! Well, imagine my surprise to find out that the first thing he did as President-Elect was choose his Chief of Staff and that he totally proved my theory about him being a terrorist. I joked before...but his first move is to ask Rahm Emanuel to be his Chief Of Staff? Are you kidding me with this??? He is an Israeli-American who is the son of Benjamin, who was a member of the Irgun, the Zionist terrorist organization. This may or not be true, but since I read it on the interweb, I'm pretty sure it is fact-based. Great. Now we have a terrorist as the Chief of Staff to Barack HUSSEIN Obama. Great.
I laughed at those people who said Obama would ruin our country...I thought it was silly...but the facts are the facts, readers! We're being taken over from within! Run for your lives!!!

Now that I have warned all of you, I can move onto an even more pressing issue...

2. What are drive-thru's for? Anyone? Yes, that's drive thru. Not to stop at the menu and study it as though there might be a test later.
Normal fast-food chains have their drive-thru and you go and order and get your food and leave. Sonic is a place where you drive-IN and order your food and eat there. But, for your convenience they also have a drive-thru. You drive, get your food and drive away. All very convenient.
Except when the person in front of you in the Sonic Drive-Thru is sitting in front of the first menu (not even the second menu with the speaker and microphone so you can order) trying to decide what to order. Hmmm...tough call...such a wide array of choices...what to do? What to do? I'll just sit here and study the menu while cars pile up behind me waiting in the Drive-THRU.
If only Sonic had a place for me to park my car...with an individual menu...and I could sit there as long as I wanted to studying the menu and deciding...while not holding anyone else up...IF ONLY. Oh, wait! They DO!

I know we now have a terrorist as our President Elect. But, really, could we all come together and teach people not to misuse the Sonic Drive Thru? Come on people! Things won't change till we take a stand!

Last but not least, so that you no longer have to look at a picture of a fatty or a tasmanian devil...

You were always on my mind...always on my mind.... Well, that's all from me today. I've got to go research how to become Princess Elect...

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

This Just In!!!

Dear Readers,

I'd like you to join me for a new segment I like to call..."This Just In!"
This Just In will feature gripping stories pulled right from the headlines! These are stories that I've come across in the news and feel that everyone would benefit from. So, please...take a moment to enjoy the first installment of THIS JUST IN!***

Scientists Join Forces To Save The Tasmanian Devil!
Australia's Tasmanian Devil is looking at extinction, possibly within the next 20 years. Scientists have determined that the Devils are spreading disease through mating season and are dying out from the shared disease. It seems like there is an easy fix for this...more education about STD's needs to be brought to Tasmania! During gym class or health class, I would think.
This is the picture they used to show what the disease does to the Devils...

That sure isn't inspiring me to donate to SAVE the creature. And this picture is a healthy one...

Um, yeah, I would think that we'd be trying to eradicate DEVILS! Is it just me??? The scientists trying to save the devils clearly work for Satan. They must be stopped!

Next up on This Just In!... wedded bliss...

The World's Heaviest Man Marries In Mexico

The world's heaviest man has tied the knot.

Manuel Uribe, who hasn't left his bed in six years, married his girlfriend on October 26th in Mexico. Manuel's new bride has been married before but was a widow. Her first husband died of...are you ready for this?.... obesity related complications. I kinda think she's setting herself up for heartbreak again. For the traditional first dance as newlyweds, Uribe and Solis held hands and swayed to a romantic ballad. Huh. And I'm still single? Go figure.

Well, folks, that's all for this edition of This Just In! I hope you are now caught up on the news facing us in this world! Till next time...

***My name is Lisa Harper, and I approved this message.