Monday, October 22, 2007

Magical invention!!!!

I'm walking through Wal-Mart, hating every second of it. Let's clear things up... I don't hate Walmart. Just all the people. If I had it to myself I wouldn't mind it at all!

Back to the important story....

Walking through Walmart...see an end-cap.... and realize that it is a miracle invention!!!!! OMG! I was overwhelmed. Then I checked my emotions because I didn't know if it would actually work or not and didn't want to get my hopes up. So, I was just whelmed.
I put it in my cart for $2.00 and went on my whelmed way.

I arrive home. Ready to test the product. It is a self-contained, self-heating Hot Cocoa extravaganza! It has the water and cocoa in the container and it heats itself up.

You pull a tab, press a button, wait 5 minutes, shake it up and enjoy! It was magically delicious! I moved from whelmed to overwhelmed in a matter of 5 minutes!!! It's fabulous!

I don't know in what situation I will not have a microwave, a cup, a spoon, a packet of hot cocoa and tap water... but if I ever come across it, this is going to make my life so much better!
And, even if I am never in that dire situation, let's be honest, from the Lazy Code of Ethics standpoint... this product makes our life worth sort-of living.

Check it out. Much cheaper at Walmart than on their own website. Worth every penny.

Sunday, October 21, 2007


Dratted gnats have invaded our lives. It's ridonkulous!!!

They're everywhere. At one point they seemed to be reproducing at remarkable rates. I was convinced that one of us must be farting them out. It seemed to be the only plausible explanation.
None of the usual causes for gnats are in our home. They are magical gnats. They can appear and reappear out of nowhere! And they seem to be smarter than the average gnat. They know when we're coming for them.

We have used every single suggestion for getting rid of gnats that I could find on the interweb. With the exception of one... they suggested putting on rubber gloves, coating them in Vaseline and running around the house catching them in our Vaseline coated hands. And, to be honest, we would have tried that...we couldn't find any gloves. We were desperate. We would have done it.
According the interweb, gnats are attracted to the sweet scent of vinegar.

We have tried:

white vinegar, which caught ZERO gnats.
apple cider vinegar, which did catch gnats
apple cider vinegar mixed with dishwashing detergent, caught a few
apple cider vinegar mixed with baking soda, which caught the most gnats
apple cider vinegar mixed with bleach, which caught zero gnats
We put plain apple cider in a cup and covered it with plastic wrap and poked it with a toothpick to create holes. The gnats go in like idiots and can't get out. Managed to catch a few.

We poured bleach down our sink drains to kill them.

Shawna burned one gnat with a match. Although it only resulted in one gnat's death, it went a long way towards raising team spirit. ("team" being Shawna and I. It's us against those damn gnats.)

And we used sticky bug traps which resulted in a mass killing. (I would imagine that the "Gnat Nightly News" is covering this mass murder that happened. I'm sure Shawna and I are deemed terrorists on their news coverage. Which I think is highly prejudicial. We attacked because they attacked us first. I didn't go invade their home. They invaded mine! And we will fight back, biotch!!! We're taking back OUR house! Can I get an amen????)

Also, we used the bug zapper we have for flies. It's not easy because the gnats are much smaller than flies so they easily slip through the net, but if you are persistent, you will succeed eventually. The resulting POP sound when they die is quite gratifying. Don't judge me for thinking that. You'd feel the same way if gnats had worn you down. It's my primal right to defend my crib!

Still, after all of the methods...there are gnats in the house. We are going to smoke them out. It might result in another house fire, but sometimes that's the only way to truly cleanse the place.

We will do whatever it takes to get rid of the gnats.

P.S. positive side note- if we smoke out the gnats, it may also kill those bastard spiders that are still trying to assassinate me.

P.P.S. We still can't rule out that maybe they are being farted out of one of us. The only way to be sure is for one of us to fart and the other to watch for gnats. And, as of yet, we have been unwilling to go through with this experiment. I don't like to breathe fart air, so we may never know the truth.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Success in sewing!

We did it... we did it.... we finally finished our sewing project.

We took it to Cindy (sister in law's mom, amazing seamstress) and had her do it. And let me tell you, it wasn't difficult AT ALL. I brought her some chocolate and she finished it in no time at all!

Why didn't we think of that first???

Saturday, October 13, 2007


I have failed as woman. And not alone. My sister and I have failed together. Our combined brain power and the brilliance of the internet was not enough to help us successfully thread a sewing machine.
The project started 1 hour an 54 minutes ago. We took the sewing machine out. And 1 hour and 24 minutes later... success! We threaded the machine. And even managed to sew a small, sock-sized pillow for our beloved mother. (more about her later)
We managed the pillow and began checking out the different thread patterns. Now, I don't want to point fingers, but Shawna was playing with the sewing machine when it broke. Is it her fault? Probably. I'm not going to say that to her though. She is much stronger than me.
Nonetheless, we were back to square one and the sewing machine no longer had thread.
Boo. :(

4 minutes ago Shawna managed to thread the machine again. One small problem... the machine is not actually sewing anything. Damn machine.

Now, more about our beloved mother. How could she do this to us? Neither my sister or I (and, to be honest, my older sister too) know how to sew. We can't even thread the machine. Well, we did thread it and promptly broke it (again, Shawna's fault) and are still struggling. 2 hours and 3 minutes later. Thanks a lot Mom. And where is our mother? Galavanting around the countryside following Kenny Rogers around. Groupie!!! What scares me the most is that my Dad is with her. Driving. Apparently he enjoys Kenny as well.
Back to the point... Our mom knows we love to sew in the Fall. How could she abandon us with no sewing machine skills??????????

I'll update you when I have more news.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Spider Bite... maybe.

So, this morning I woke up and got in the shower. (yes, it was at ten in the morning...don't judge me!)

I'm washing my hair and suddenly I notice a disfiguring red mark on my arm!!! It's a spider bite! It must be! There are no other possible explanations. (yes, I'm aware that I frequently break out in mysterious bumps and/or hives, but I'm sure this one is a spider bite.)
You can see for yourself. It's hideous and disfiguring. And it's totally going to destroy my bracelet modeling career. Great! What's next? How much more can I take? These bitches are good. They are wearing down my mental and emotional health. (let's face it, it wasn't a hard task.) I don't think this is a deadly spider wound, although I am not a doctor, so I can't say for sure. I think they sent a benign spider to see if it could even be successful in getting through my defenses. Well, it was successful. And I know what's coming next! The head honcho is going to come finish me off!!! I've loved you all and will miss you.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Update on Spider Assassination ATTEMPT

Well, I know many people laughed at me and my belief that the spiders were actually trying to kill me... but I think I'm right.
This morning, I went into the bathroom to use the toilet. (this is as much as I'm willing to say about that because the toilet is a private area...or at least it used to be.)
I sit on the toilet, minding my own business and suddenly I see something moving up the wall to my left.... AUGH!!!! A spider. A damn, damn, dammity, damn, damn spider!!!!!
Normally I would run from the spider, but I was not in a position to run away...without some dribble. I grabbed some toilet paper and I smashed the spider! I killed that sucker. I felt good about it for about 2 seconds until I realized that the spider was merely a spider pawn.

Clearly, the first spider on my arm trying to reach my jugular to kill me wasn't destroyed when I pushed it off my arm and ran out of my room. Obviously, the spider did exactly as I thought it would. It went back to it's little fort and rounded up his friends. They made a plan. The spider they sent to the bathroom was expendable. He was willing to risk his life for this cause.

I defeated the first attempt. But, clearly, they are going to re-group and find more heinous ways to take my life.
I don't know what's going to kill me first... the brain tumor or the spiders.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Columbus Day (observed)

I have to observe Columbus Day on an alternate day because I had to work on the actual Columbus Day. (or what we call the actual "Columbus Day")
It is so wrong that I had to work. On Columbus Day. When I, myself, am part Colombian. That just seems so wrong. Can you say racist? And I suppose that I'll have to work on Hanukkah even though I'm part Jewish too!

When you think about Columbus Day.... it doesn't really seem like he should get his own day. Let's consider the facts... Columbus is said to have discovered America. But can you really "discover" a land that has people living on it already??? Let's use an analogy... I barge into your home and tell you I discovered it and am now commandeering your kitchen for the Queen of Spain!
Seem fair? Not really. Does it seem like I "discovered" your house? Uh... not really.
And even if you discount the fact that people already lived on this "New Land" let's not forget that others had already discovered it.... the Africans, the Chinese and the Vikings.
And let's not forget how Columbus "discovered" America. He was 13,000 miles off his planned route. Sounds like he was a really crappy navigator. Didn't he just completely ignore his On-Star GPS system?

One thing I can definitely say in favor of Columbus is that he had to be an excellent leader. The man traveled with 3 boats. The Nina, Pinta and Santa Clause... errr, Santa Maria. He was 13,000 miles off course and yet two boats followed him the whole way! At some point didn't they start to wonder where he was going? Did they doubt him at all? Or were helper monkeys steering the other 2 ships? He must have been an excellent leader. A fearless leader. Able to talk people into following him so far off course.
But does he deserve his own day for this? Uh... doubtful.

And, remember, I am part Colombian so it's okay for me to say all of this.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Spider meltdown

So, last night I was minding my own business, sitting in my bed watching a stupid show and my arm began to tickle a little bit... I looked down, there was nothing. I thought I was just being paranoid. Then a minute later my other arm felt ticklish... I looked down and saw my worst nightmare come true! A spider!!!!!! On my arm!!!! I pushed the spider off of my arm and ran out of my room, in my underwear, shrieking and doing the spider dance. Shaking my limbs and hair out, convinced the spider might still be on me. My sister laughed at me, so I ran upstairs where I proceeded to cry like a baby and received more laughter from my mother. She tried to talk me off the ledge, but I am convinced the spider was crawling up my arm to try to reach my jugular.
Now that I have thwarted it's assassination attempt, it will be forced to round up more friends and find revenge through another assassination plot. I'm not going to pretend that I'm not worried. I'm worried. Very worried. I try to remember that "we have nothing to fear but fear itself..." and spiders.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

A lot on my mind

I'd like to thank all of my followers for their support on my blog. Keanu "s.k." Reeves has especially touched my heart.

So much on my mind today. Where to start?

First, a blog is a lot more pressure and work than I ever anticipated. Knowing that my fans and followers are just waiting to hear more from me? Talk about pressure! Not to mention... I don't have much going on, so it's not like anybody will actually be interested.

Second, the mystery of my nauseous sneezing continues. I frequently get so sick to my stomach that I am positive I am going to throw up. Many times I actually go to the bathroom to puke... the sickness gets so intense and the "throw-up signals" start and just when I am going to puke... I sneeze. Then my tummy feels fine and I go about my day! What's up with that??? It's a very disconcerting feeling. I am so worried one day that I'll feel like I'm going to sneeze and then throw up instead! That would be embarrassing! Puking in public is not fun.
Take it from me... I puked on a plane ride to Europe. Well, the plane was actually going to Chicago and then to London. Nonetheless, I threw up. And let me tell you... strangers get really pissy when you throw up on them! It's even worse than when you accidentally dump coke on them at a movie theater! (both the coke and puking incidents were accidents, but both victims had it coming to them!)
Back to the mysterious nausea/puking... I've researched it online and have come up empty-handed. There are people online that have the same experience. But no real diagnosis as to why. Personally, I'm hoping it's a fast growing brain tumor and I will be out of my misery soon. I'm also hoping that the bigger the tumor gets that the more I will experience John Travolta-esque talents like in Phenomenon. In the meantime... I live to drop puke and coke on strangers another day!