Thursday, May 28, 2009

To jump or not to jump...

Do you ever wonder about the suicide jumpers who stand there on the edge of the bridge/building for hours threatening to jump? I do. What's going through their minds? Either jump or get down, people! Either you want to die or you don't! Make up your mind! Apparently I'm not the only one who feels this way...

A Chinese man was pushed off a bridge by an angry passer-by after his threat to commit suicide held up traffic for five hours.

Retired soldier Lian Jiansheng, 66, broke through a police cordon and reached out to shake the hand of would-be jumper Chen Fuchao before shoving him off the bridge.

"I pushed him off because jumpers like Chen are very selfish. Their action violates a lot of public interests," Lian was quoted as saying by the China Daily newspaper.

"They do not really dare to kill themselves. Instead, they just want to raise the relevant government authorities' attention to their appeals."

Chen fell 8 metres (yards) onto a partially inflated emergency air cushion and was hospitalized with wrist and back injuries. Lian was detained by police.

Chen was at least the twelfth person since early April to threaten suicide at the same spot, the Haizhu bridge in Guangzhou. But none jumped and -- until Lian gave Chen a helping hand -- none was pushed.

Anti-climactic, don't you think? Yeah. I thought...okay...if Lian pushes someone to death that was already jumping to kill himself but just held up traffic for 5 hours instead? Does he really deserve to be punished? I don't know. Tough call. But, luckily... he was just pushed into an emergency air cushion. And THAT is why you don't waste 5 hours threatening to kill yourself. Dude, at that point, they've circumvented all of your choices. Moron!

Aren't the Chinese a kick?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

How To Catch Gnats 2009 version

One thing I love about blogging is the randomness of it all. I love tracking what city, state and countries visit my blog and why. One of the most popular reasons that strangers come across my blog? Searching google for "how to catch gnats."
Yes, one of my posts back in 2007 is still bringing in the most visitors. Crazy! In honor of Gnat season, I am posting a portion of my initial 2007 post on how to catch gnats! We have begun to have gnats again...although not at the alarmingly magical rate we did during the dreaded summer of 2007. Hopefully the following tactics/results will help more strangers out there!

We have tried:

white vinegar, which caught ZERO gnats.
apple cider vinegar, which did catch gnats
apple cider vinegar mixed with dishwashing detergent, caught a few
apple cider vinegar mixed with baking soda, which caught the most gnats
apple cider vinegar mixed with bleach, which caught zero gnats
We put plain apple cider in a cup and covered it with plastic wrap and poked it with a toothpick to create holes. (The gnats go in like idiots and can't get out. Managed to catch a few.)

We poured bleach down our sink drains to kill them.

Shawna burned one gnat with a match. Although it only resulted in one gnat's death, it went a long way towards raising team spirit. ("team" being Shawna and I. It's us against those damn gnats.)

And we used sticky bug traps which resulted in a mass killing. (I would imagine that the "Gnat Nightly News" is covering this mass murder that happened. I'm sure Shawna and I are deemed terrorists on their news coverage. Which I think is highly prejudicial. We attacked because they attacked us first. I didn't go invade their home. They invaded mine! And we will fight back, biotch!!! We're taking back OUR house! Can I get an amen????)

Also, we used the bug zapper we have for flies. It's not easy because the gnats are much smaller than flies so they easily slip through the net, but if you are persistent, you will succeed eventually. The resulting POP sound when they die is quite gratifying. Don't judge me for thinking that. You'd feel the same way if gnats had worn you down. It's my primal right to defend my crib!

Still, after all of the methods...there are gnats in the house. We are going to smoke them out. It might result in another house fire, but sometimes that's the only way to truly cleanse the place.

One method I would like to add is putting on rubber gloves, coating them with vaseline and running around the gnats, catching them on the glove. It expends some of your angst and it catched gnats. Too lazy? Have the kids do it! It's babysitting and gnat catching in one! You're welcome.

Hopefully you've enjoyed this recycled edition of my blog!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

10 things to do before I die of Swine Flu


I would like to thank Elise for asking me to reexamine my life, in light of the Swine Flu. I know time is precious. I am already oinking and my skin is turning a little more pink every day. At this point, I'm not sure how much longer I have.
Elise tagged us and asked us to share our Top Ten List of things we want to do before we die... Without further adieu... (maybe just a little adieu...)

1. Star in an infomercial

2. Ride a camel

3. Master the Sitar and amass a following with my mad Sitar skillz.

4. Acquire 937,529 followers on my blog.

5. Climb Mt. Titlis in Lucerne, Switzerland. Once there, plant an American flag and declare it mine and require every tourist to twirl around and around and around singing "The Hills Are aliiiiiiiiiiiive with the sound of musiiic. Aaaaaahhhhhh"

6. Overcome my sex addiction

7. Put a lump of coal between my bum cheeks and make it into a diamond.

8. Be an extra in a movie. And steal the show. Not a porno. Not again.

9. Discover a cure for the disease Michael Jackson and I share.... no pigmentation to our skin.

10. Be the girlfriend of an "international import/export" business man...only to discover that he is a terrorist and is part of a plot to assassinate the president...Alert the authorities...I'm their only hope...I must remain his girlfriend in order to gather intel. My contact person? Jack Bauer. We must get the intel in the next 24 hours or everything as we know it is gone! We succeed, but only because Jack saves me when I'm found out. And in a moment of passion, we make sweet, sweet love at CTU headquarters before Jack must leave me so that I am not a target of the Chinese and can live in peace...heartbroken peace.

I can only hope to achieve all of my goals before the swine flu takes me. You are now tagged if you read this! Suckers!!!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

When DNA goes horribly wrong...

We all know about my obsession with Jack Bauer. He's hot. Keifer Sutherland isn't so hot. Do you know what is uglier than Kiefer Sutherland???
Kiefer Sutherland as a GIRL....

Kiefer in drag...or his twin sister.*

*Keifer Sutherland may have a twin, but Jack Bauer does not. Jack has no equal.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Quick word on typos...

We all make typos. It happens. Hopefully spell check will catch them for us. Unfortunately, we all rely on spell check a bit too much. It doesn't save us when we type a real word in place of the word we actually meant. And it changes the meaning

Background: I've been arguing with a lady back and forth on email and via the phone over how much the company I work for owes in common area maintenance fees for 2008 on a property we rent. She insists we owe more than I think we do. Finally, I asked her for invoicing/statements for all of 2007 and 2008 so I could reconcile it against my own records. She responded with,

"Lisa, I will defiantly get you a copy of that."

Maybe she meant defiantly. Maybe she really isn't happy about it. Maybe she didn't mean she would definitely get me a copy of it.

Whether you do it defiantly or gladly...I definitely need it, lady!