Sunday, December 16, 2007

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas...for five years.

Yes, it is true, Celine has left Vegas. For what? We don't know. I can only assume she's taking time off to have Renee cloned so she can actually grow old with someone who isn't dead by the time she's 45. Although, I could have sworn her father....err, her husband was already a clone.

Anyway, back to the distressing news...Celine's Vegas run is officially over. Five years, $400,000,000 earned, 716 shows and 11 standing ovations later...Celine, 'The Best Singer In The World' (her words, not mine), has left Vegas. And to think, I never even saw the show.

THANK GOODNESS. I can't keep this charade up any longer! I hate Celine! To put it in her native tongue, Je d├ęteste Celine!!!

Who are these freaks who went to her last concert, you may ask?

One lady (whom I can only assume is single, will remain single for all of eternity, is a closet lesbian and owns 32 cats) has seen the show over 100 times!
There was the co-dependant couple who enabled one another and paid $15,000 for front row tickets. May God bless us all and make them sterile.
Then there was the man ( I use that term loosely) who moved to Vegas from Uzbekistan just to be closer to his idol. I'm pretty sure he will try to kill Renee just so he can have Celine to himself. Luckily, Celine has cloned Renee and won't even notice he is gone. But I do think it'll make a nice Lifetime 'Movie of the Week'!

And then there were the "celebrities." D-list, at best, I'd say closer to N-List (Not-really-Celebrities-list.) Robin Leach, Mia Michaels and Criss Angel. Boy, I would have paid top dollar to meet those three. How could one theater hold so much celebrity!!! Lucky, lucky theater goers.

All I can tell you is that it is now safe to go to Vegas again. Finally! We can take Vegas back from Celine and her followers! We are Freeeeeeee! Suck on that, Celine!

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Annual Avian Census

I know it's been some time since my last entry. Forgive and forget, I always say! (as long as it's you forgiving me and forgetting my offense. If it's me forgiving and forgetting, not gonna happen.)

Anywho...On to important news. One of the things I love best about living in Utah is the hard hitting news. A lot happens here. Newsworthy stuff. Totally.
I just came across an article in the Salt Lake City Tribune about bird counting.Hmmm, I would think it's pretty darn impossible to count birds.Obviously, I was mistaken. There is an Annual Avian Census. If you're anything like me, you're giggling just thinking about it.What do they do? Demand that the birds line up and be counted? Give them all social security numbers? And do birds hire other animals to take them across the border illegally?Like if you're a Canadian Bird and you really want to live in the US, do you have to pay tons of bird seed to another bigger, more influential, American bird to illegally transport you in to the United States?And if all of this is true, I don't understand why I am just now hearing about this epidemic!? All of the politicians are asked over and over about illegal immigrants and what they plan to do...and this is the first time I'm hearing about the illegal birds. They seem to pose a higher threat than humans. Avian bird flu, anyone?
And talk about annoyance...how many people have been pooped on from above? I haven't, but I've seen it happen to others. On TV. But it has happened to my poor vehicle. Sad, but true. Why aren't we doing anything about this illegal bird epidemic? Illegal birds are a huge problem and I think I will run for congress on this platform.
I guess the first step to solving this problem is the Annual Bird Census. The following is the article that raised my awareness...http://www.sltrib.com/ci_7732365?source=rss
My favorite part of the article is...
"I love it," said Marilyn Davis, the education coordinator for the Red Cliffs chapter of the Audubon Society, which helped organize the event. "I look forward every year to this day when I can freeze to death and look at the scenery."
Honestly??? You helped organize this event and that's what you said???

Well, folks, I'm signing off, but I want you all to think about the epidemic of illegal birds and the Annual Bird Census and think of some ways that you, too, can help America.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Life as we know it...is over.

It's here. The day we've all been dreading. The stuff nightmares are made of. The end of the world as we know it. We made it through the t.v. Summertime Blues! We thought we were in the clear until next Spring when our shows go on hiatus. That is not the case.

The unthinkable has happened folks. It's time to think it. Think the unthinkable...The Hollywood writers have gone on strike.

Even as I write this I am in a fetal position rocking back and forth on the floor whimpering. That should show the level of commitment I have to this blog and MY fans. I would never go on strike. I know the people rely on me getting them regular blog entries. No matter how much I may want more money for my blog entries...I would never strike.
Those poo-poo heads in Hollywood have gone mad with power. Granted, they hold all the power. I can't enjoy my shows if they don't write them. Boo. Those whores.

Definition of Strike:
1. To hit sharply
2. To inflict a blow
3. Destroy Lisa's life

I can attest to all three. Woe is me. Woe is all of us. Without TV we are left to entertain ourselves. Like that's a good idea? Me thinks not. When I had TV I didn't HAVE to think. Now I do. And I don't think it's a good idea for us to have to entertain ourselves. Or for me to have to think.

Do you know what people did before we had TV? I do. Let me tell you. They invented things. Things they could use to entertain themselves so they didn't HAVE to think and invent things.

Cavemen drew on rocks and caves (doi, they were cavemen) so that they could later stare at these pictures to entertain themselves. (it was a very crude depiction of what we now know as a TV. They weren't the smartest Neanderthals around.)

The early Native American Indians made feather headdresses to wear so they could entertain the person across from them with the pretty colors. One person would wear the pretty hat while all the others would partake of some peyote. Suddenly all the pretty colors were a blur and the hat made funny noises. The more peyote they ingested, the better the Feather-Headdress-TV worked.

In 1876 Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. Why did he invent it? So he could call other people to ask them to come over and entertain him so he didn't have to do it himself anymore. Like he wanted to sit around inventing more crap so he could entertain himself? No! He used his invention to STOP having to sit around and think and entertain himself.

People get DESPERATE for entertainment. In 1897 this one sicko, James Henry Atkinson, invented something called "The Little Nipper" for entertainment purposes only. It was a mousetrap. He was so desperate for entertainment that he invented a contraption to catch mice so he could watch them die. He's a sicko. But I understand the desperation. This was, obviously, before TV. We would never resort to that crap if we have TV to entertain us first.

One man, well ahead of his time, was Benjamin Franklin. He was obviously gifted with a vision of the future. He was able to see that one day our beloved TV would exist. He got started right away on inventing electricity! Smart man. He knew it wouldn't happen in his lifetime, this beautiful glorious thing called television. But he knew it was for the greater good. A good man.

And why did the brave soldier risk it all to give us this gift??? So we wouldn't have to think for ourselves! So we wouldn't have to continue to invent crap to entertain ourselves! I'd like to thank this brave man. And in the same breath I'd like to curse those money-hungry-Hollywood-sons-of-bitches.

Give the writers what they want. I can't take it anymore! Give the people their TV back!

Somewhere... in heaven, Benjamin Franklin is letting out a tumultuous cry as he watches everything he envisioned with his prophetic sight crumble before his eyes. Generations weep with you Mr. Franklin. Generations weep. I weep. I weep... openly.

Monday, November 5, 2007

update on our Gnat bastard situation

We have won. The war is over. The gnats have lost. May it be a lesson to ALL gnats and creatures alike.

We had to track down the source. After searching the interweb tirelessly... (well, truthfully, it was tiring. Is the opposite of tirelessly tirefully? I don't think that is a real word. Anyway, I searched and was exhausted. )
After searching the interweb for causes behind the gnats, Shawna and I realized it was nothing conventional that had caused this. No rotting food. No weird stagnant water. No plant gnats. Nothing that was a common cause.
We had to use our own detective skills and came up with unconventional causes. One of which was that maybe one of us was farting them out. Shawna and I spent a very embarrassing (and stinky) 10 minutes together researching this idea... turns out that neither one of us was farting the gnats.

We went back to killing them daily, hoping they would get the hint and their friends would be warned! It was not working and we were suffering still.

And one day, we realized...someone was farting it out. It was our own sweet mother. Once we got her diet regulated the gnats disappeared! Coincidence...I think not.

Victory!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Magical invention!!!!

I'm walking through Wal-Mart, hating every second of it. Let's clear things up... I don't hate Walmart. Just all the people. If I had it to myself I wouldn't mind it at all!

Back to the important story....

Walking through Walmart...see an end-cap.... and realize that it is a miracle invention!!!!! OMG! I was overwhelmed. Then I checked my emotions because I didn't know if it would actually work or not and didn't want to get my hopes up. So, I was just whelmed.
I put it in my cart for $2.00 and went on my whelmed way.

I arrive home. Ready to test the product. It is a self-contained, self-heating Hot Cocoa extravaganza! It has the water and cocoa in the container and it heats itself up.

You pull a tab, press a button, wait 5 minutes, shake it up and enjoy! It was magically delicious! I moved from whelmed to overwhelmed in a matter of 5 minutes!!! It's fabulous!

I don't know in what situation I will not have a microwave, a cup, a spoon, a packet of hot cocoa and tap water... but if I ever come across it, this is going to make my life so much better!
And, even if I am never in that dire situation, let's be honest, from the Lazy Code of Ethics standpoint... this product makes our life worth sort-of living.


www.ontech.com

Check it out. Much cheaper at Walmart than on their own website. Worth every penny.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Gnats

Dratted gnats have invaded our lives. It's ridonkulous!!!

They're everywhere. At one point they seemed to be reproducing at remarkable rates. I was convinced that one of us must be farting them out. It seemed to be the only plausible explanation.
None of the usual causes for gnats are in our home. They are magical gnats. They can appear and reappear out of nowhere! And they seem to be smarter than the average gnat. They know when we're coming for them.

We have used every single suggestion for getting rid of gnats that I could find on the interweb. With the exception of one... they suggested putting on rubber gloves, coating them in Vaseline and running around the house catching them in our Vaseline coated hands. And, to be honest, we would have tried that...we couldn't find any gloves. We were desperate. We would have done it.
According the interweb, gnats are attracted to the sweet scent of vinegar.

We have tried:

white vinegar, which caught ZERO gnats.
apple cider vinegar, which did catch gnats
apple cider vinegar mixed with dishwashing detergent, caught a few
apple cider vinegar mixed with baking soda, which caught the most gnats
apple cider vinegar mixed with bleach, which caught zero gnats
We put plain apple cider in a cup and covered it with plastic wrap and poked it with a toothpick to create holes. The gnats go in like idiots and can't get out. Managed to catch a few.

We poured bleach down our sink drains to kill them.

Shawna burned one gnat with a match. Although it only resulted in one gnat's death, it went a long way towards raising team spirit. ("team" being Shawna and I. It's us against those damn gnats.)

And we used sticky bug traps which resulted in a mass killing. (I would imagine that the "Gnat Nightly News" is covering this mass murder that happened. I'm sure Shawna and I are deemed terrorists on their news coverage. Which I think is highly prejudicial. We attacked because they attacked us first. I didn't go invade their home. They invaded mine! And we will fight back, biotch!!! We're taking back OUR house! Can I get an amen????)

Also, we used the bug zapper we have for flies. It's not easy because the gnats are much smaller than flies so they easily slip through the net, but if you are persistent, you will succeed eventually. The resulting POP sound when they die is quite gratifying. Don't judge me for thinking that. You'd feel the same way if gnats had worn you down. It's my primal right to defend my crib!

Still, after all of the methods...there are gnats in the house. We are going to smoke them out. It might result in another house fire, but sometimes that's the only way to truly cleanse the place.

We will do whatever it takes to get rid of the gnats.

P.S. positive side note- if we smoke out the gnats, it may also kill those bastard spiders that are still trying to assassinate me.

P.P.S. We still can't rule out that maybe they are being farted out of one of us. The only way to be sure is for one of us to fart and the other to watch for gnats. And, as of yet, we have been unwilling to go through with this experiment. I don't like to breathe fart air, so we may never know the truth.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Success in sewing!

We did it... we did it.... we finally finished our sewing project.

We took it to Cindy (sister in law's mom, amazing seamstress) and had her do it. And let me tell you, it wasn't difficult AT ALL. I brought her some chocolate and she finished it in no time at all!

Why didn't we think of that first???

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Failure

I have failed as woman. And not alone. My sister and I have failed together. Our combined brain power and the brilliance of the internet was not enough to help us successfully thread a sewing machine.
The project started 1 hour an 54 minutes ago. We took the sewing machine out. And 1 hour and 24 minutes later... success! We threaded the machine. And even managed to sew a small, sock-sized pillow for our beloved mother. (more about her later)
We managed the pillow and began checking out the different thread patterns. Now, I don't want to point fingers, but Shawna was playing with the sewing machine when it broke. Is it her fault? Probably. I'm not going to say that to her though. She is much stronger than me.
Nonetheless, we were back to square one and the sewing machine no longer had thread.
Boo. :(

4 minutes ago Shawna managed to thread the machine again. One small problem... the machine is not actually sewing anything. Damn machine.

Now, more about our beloved mother. How could she do this to us? Neither my sister or I (and, to be honest, my older sister too) know how to sew. We can't even thread the machine. Well, we did thread it and promptly broke it (again, Shawna's fault) and are still struggling. 2 hours and 3 minutes later. Thanks a lot Mom. And where is our mother? Galavanting around the countryside following Kenny Rogers around. Groupie!!! What scares me the most is that my Dad is with her. Driving. Apparently he enjoys Kenny as well.
Back to the point... Our mom knows we love to sew in the Fall. How could she abandon us with no sewing machine skills??????????


I'll update you when I have more news.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Spider Bite... maybe.


So, this morning I woke up and got in the shower. (yes, it was at ten in the morning...don't judge me!)

I'm washing my hair and suddenly I notice a disfiguring red mark on my arm!!! It's a spider bite! It must be! There are no other possible explanations. (yes, I'm aware that I frequently break out in mysterious bumps and/or hives, but I'm sure this one is a spider bite.)
You can see for yourself. It's hideous and disfiguring. And it's totally going to destroy my bracelet modeling career. Great! What's next? How much more can I take? These bitches are good. They are wearing down my mental and emotional health. (let's face it, it wasn't a hard task.) I don't think this is a deadly spider wound, although I am not a doctor, so I can't say for sure. I think they sent a benign spider to see if it could even be successful in getting through my defenses. Well, it was successful. And I know what's coming next! The head honcho is going to come finish me off!!! I've loved you all and will miss you.


Thursday, October 11, 2007

Update on Spider Assassination ATTEMPT

Well, I know many people laughed at me and my belief that the spiders were actually trying to kill me... but I think I'm right.
This morning, I went into the bathroom to use the toilet. (this is as much as I'm willing to say about that because the toilet is a private area...or at least it used to be.)
I sit on the toilet, minding my own business and suddenly I see something moving up the wall to my left.... AUGH!!!! A spider. A damn, damn, dammity, damn, damn spider!!!!!
Normally I would run from the spider, but I was not in a position to run away...without some dribble. I grabbed some toilet paper and I smashed the spider! I killed that sucker. I felt good about it for about 2 seconds until I realized that the spider was merely a spider pawn.

Clearly, the first spider on my arm trying to reach my jugular to kill me wasn't destroyed when I pushed it off my arm and ran out of my room. Obviously, the spider did exactly as I thought it would. It went back to it's little fort and rounded up his friends. They made a plan. The spider they sent to the bathroom was expendable. He was willing to risk his life for this cause.

I defeated the first attempt. But, clearly, they are going to re-group and find more heinous ways to take my life.
I don't know what's going to kill me first... the brain tumor or the spiders.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Columbus Day (observed)

I have to observe Columbus Day on an alternate day because I had to work on the actual Columbus Day. (or what we call the actual "Columbus Day")
It is so wrong that I had to work. On Columbus Day. When I, myself, am part Colombian. That just seems so wrong. Can you say racist? And I suppose that I'll have to work on Hanukkah even though I'm part Jewish too!

When you think about Columbus Day.... it doesn't really seem like he should get his own day. Let's consider the facts... Columbus is said to have discovered America. But can you really "discover" a land that has people living on it already??? Let's use an analogy... I barge into your home and tell you I discovered it and am now commandeering your kitchen for the Queen of Spain!
Seem fair? Not really. Does it seem like I "discovered" your house? Uh... not really.
And even if you discount the fact that people already lived on this "New Land" let's not forget that others had already discovered it.... the Africans, the Chinese and the Vikings.
And let's not forget how Columbus "discovered" America. He was 13,000 miles off his planned route. Sounds like he was a really crappy navigator. Didn't he just completely ignore his On-Star GPS system?

One thing I can definitely say in favor of Columbus is that he had to be an excellent leader. The man traveled with 3 boats. The Nina, Pinta and Santa Clause... errr, Santa Maria. He was 13,000 miles off course and yet two boats followed him the whole way! At some point didn't they start to wonder where he was going? Did they doubt him at all? Or were helper monkeys steering the other 2 ships? He must have been an excellent leader. A fearless leader. Able to talk people into following him so far off course.
But does he deserve his own day for this? Uh... doubtful.

And, remember, I am part Colombian so it's okay for me to say all of this.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Spider meltdown

So, last night I was minding my own business, sitting in my bed watching a stupid show and my arm began to tickle a little bit... I looked down, there was nothing. I thought I was just being paranoid. Then a minute later my other arm felt ticklish... I looked down and saw my worst nightmare come true! A spider!!!!!! On my arm!!!! I pushed the spider off of my arm and ran out of my room, in my underwear, shrieking and doing the spider dance. Shaking my limbs and hair out, convinced the spider might still be on me. My sister laughed at me, so I ran upstairs where I proceeded to cry like a baby and received more laughter from my mother. She tried to talk me off the ledge, but I am convinced the spider was crawling up my arm to try to reach my jugular.
Now that I have thwarted it's assassination attempt, it will be forced to round up more friends and find revenge through another assassination plot. I'm not going to pretend that I'm not worried. I'm worried. Very worried. I try to remember that "we have nothing to fear but fear itself..." and spiders.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

A lot on my mind

I'd like to thank all of my followers for their support on my blog. Keanu "s.k." Reeves has especially touched my heart.

So much on my mind today. Where to start?

First, a blog is a lot more pressure and work than I ever anticipated. Knowing that my fans and followers are just waiting to hear more from me? Talk about pressure! Not to mention... I don't have much going on, so it's not like anybody will actually be interested.

Second, the mystery of my nauseous sneezing continues. I frequently get so sick to my stomach that I am positive I am going to throw up. Many times I actually go to the bathroom to puke... the sickness gets so intense and the "throw-up signals" start and just when I am going to puke... I sneeze. Then my tummy feels fine and I go about my day! What's up with that??? It's a very disconcerting feeling. I am so worried one day that I'll feel like I'm going to sneeze and then throw up instead! That would be embarrassing! Puking in public is not fun.
Take it from me... I puked on a plane ride to Europe. Well, the plane was actually going to Chicago and then to London. Nonetheless, I threw up. And let me tell you... strangers get really pissy when you throw up on them! It's even worse than when you accidentally dump coke on them at a movie theater! (both the coke and puking incidents were accidents, but both victims had it coming to them!)
Back to the mysterious nausea/puking... I've researched it online and have come up empty-handed. There are people online that have the same experience. But no real diagnosis as to why. Personally, I'm hoping it's a fast growing brain tumor and I will be out of my misery soon. I'm also hoping that the bigger the tumor gets that the more I will experience John Travolta-esque talents like in Phenomenon. In the meantime... I live to drop puke and coke on strangers another day!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Drum roll please!!!

Here it is... the blog everyone has been begging for! There has been speculation, titillating rumors and anticipation as everyone prepared for this momentous occasion. The early reviews are in!!!

The New York Times says, "Quite possibly, the highlight of the midafternoon of September 19th, 2007."

The Washington Post raves, "Crass and vulgar almost beyond belief."

The Village Voice finds the blog unparalleled in their review, "Comes scarily close to being the most unendurable creation on the InterWeb."

When asked what they thought of the 'Blog of the Century', A representative for President George W. Bush had this to say: "I haven't actually seen the website or read anything on the blog, so in the interest of fairness all we can say is that we're pretty sure it's gonna suck."

One anonymous reviewer finds the blog overwhelming, "Like being run over by a garbage truck that backs up and dumps its load on top of you."

"Makes the Matrix sequels look like works of genius." says Keanu Reevs.