Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas!

For those of you who did not receive my Christmas Newsletter... I wanted to make sure and share a nice summary of my year, here on my blog! Enjoy...

Well, well, well. Here we are again. The year 2010 was so much like 2009, it was hard at times to tell the difference. It all started with January, just like the year before. And before I knew it, February came along, and then March. As a plucky yet uber-intelligent, gifted and talented individual, I soon recognized the pattern and I was able to confidently predict April and May. It was all downhill after that, barely even a challenge.

Just to catch you up to speed on my life, (for those of you who don't follow my Twitter feed) I'd like to share a few of the highlights from my year...

I upgraded my TiVo from a Series 2 Dual Tuner to a TiVo Premier. This was, perhaps, the most pivotal moment of my year. It took my tv watching to a whole new level. Also, it can access You Tube directly from my tv, so there is rarely a need for me to leave my bed.

Last summer I relocated from Logan, Utah to Salt Lake City, Utah. Mostly in an effort to evade the parking authority of Logan. One can only throw away so many parking tickets before they send the bounty hunters after you. I live in a lovely part of Salt Lake, near the Homeless Shelters and train tracks. I'm within spitting distance of the fire department, which was a must considering my penchant for starting fires.
I'm enjoying living in the big city and all it has to offer. One of my favorite places to visit is the downtown Walmart near my home. I've met a lot of interesting characters there. The inviting man who tried to lure me into his camper, the entrepreneurial young man who offered to sell me both tamales and drugs, the boxer who had a cart full of meat and truly believed he was Rocky... and who could forget the gentleman/lady in a yellow sundress, heels, pearls, a beard and a mullet? I've taken to printing off a current listing of the FBI's most wanted list every time I go shopping. I'm confident this will pay off.

I spent a great deal of time in 2010 trying to better myself and as such, I picked up a lot of new hobbies...
I've started teaching myself Swedish because I would hate to be at a disadvantage when I travel to accept my Nobel prizes. I couldn't afford tutoring or classes, so mostly I just do my best to look at online Swedish tabloids.
I've started chasing tornadoes. I heard it was quite the adrenaline rush. And they are right! I'm not much for nature, so I typically just watch the weather channel and look for tornadoes there. Also, in an effort to research the proper way to chase a tornado, I've been watching Twister. Helen Hunt really shines in that role.
I've become an avid coin collector. Last count, I was up to .92 cents! Ka-ching! I am literally 8 cents away from a dollar.

As the year comes to a close, I can't help but feel triumphant and fulfilled. I'll be spending the next few weeks working on my New Year's Resolutions and planning for an even brighter future in 2011.

Much love to you all, and do feel free to bask in the glow of my glory. . . Lisa

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Celebrity News!

It's been a big week in the celebrity world this week. For those of you with lives, let me fill you in. Miley was pictured with a bong, Christina Aguilera went on a coffee date and almost had a wardrobe malfunction, Ryan Reynolds and ScarJo have filed for divorce... it's been quite a week. But, let's move on to who we both care about the most.... Justin Bieber and Charlie Sheen.

Both have dodged the legal bullet this week. One has dodged any criminal charges related to a laser tag incident and the other dodged criminal charges related to a drugs/hookers and a hotel incident.
The incidents are pretty much interchangeable, so I'll clear it up for you.

Charlie Sheen won't be charged by the NYPD in connection with a bizarre incident at a New York City hotel in October that involved an adult film actress and ended with the actor being taken to a hospital by the authorities. Charlie was allegedly found in his underwear and seemingly intoxicated, but his publicist (who really earns her money) maintained that he had had "an adverse allergic reaction to some medicine."
I didn't know crack was medicine. But I know how I'm going to cure the next cold I have.

Next up... The Biebs. Bieber fevah. Despite having some of the best hair of any teenager girl around, sometimes it is just not easy being famous at his age. Apparently, last October, The Biebs was just trying to blow off some steam at a laser tag center in British Columbia. A 12 year old boy reported that the Biebs tried to punch him. But, luckily, the witnesses told authorities that it was actually Bieber who was being harassed and called names. Poor Biebs. One witness said of the incident, "The 12-year-old and his friends were targeting Bieber and shooting him over and over"
I thought that was the point of laser tag. Apparently not. Not to worry, at no point during the scuffle was Beiber or her hair harmed.

I'll let you know if we have any more developments.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Live TV

I rarely watch "live" television. I typically only watch TiVo. I find that I can more efficiently manage my laziness with recorded shows, rather than waste my precious tv watching time with commercials. (infomercials excluded, obviously.)
But when I'm at my folk's house, I have to suffer through live tv. Because they live in the dark ages. So, last night, making the most of my time (and in a successful effort to delay doing laundry), I decide to watch House Hunters.
For those of you with lives, let me catch you up to speed.... House Hunters is a show on HGTV that features people around the Nation searching guessed it...a house. We see them tell us what they're looking for and then they look at 3 properties with a realtor and in the end we get to see what they picked. Sounds great, right? Yeah, I guess you're right, it doesn't. But, remember, I'm living in squalor, I have no other option.

So the show begins by introducing us to a 29 year old woman who currently lives in the suburbs of Philadelphia and is looking for a new place in the heart of the city so that she'll have a "more fulfilling social life." I'm no life coach, but I'm guessing location isn't your problem. She was one of the most annoying women ever. She reminded me a bit of Kate Gosselin, except more entitled and with a preppier accent.

The realtor takes her to house #1, a lovely condo in the heart of the city. She likes everything about it, until she gets to the backyard. Along one of the fences is a telephone pole. She expresses her distaste and asks the realtor, "Do you think the city will move that?"
Cue my shock and laughter. I give massive props to the realtor who only said, "I don't think so, but you could submit a request to the city."

House #2 is a great layout, she's immediately a fan... "Wow, neat entryway. I like that it's the first thing you see when you walk in." Uhhhh....I guess in the suburbs they keep the entryway somewhere other than...the entryway?
The only other problem she has with this house is the kitchen area. It's a bit small, she thinks. "This kitchen is really small...I mean, I know it's just me right now, but there's no reason I won't be snatched up soon and it would be a tight fit for 2 people." Honestly, I don't think she needs to worry about that.

House #3 is a condo with downtown views, which is both good and bad for her. She likes that she can see the city skyline, but "this definitely doesn't have the nature views I was looking for." ...Just to refresh your memory, she's looking for a place in the city of Philadelphia. I'm not sure what nature views she was looking for.

I know you're on pins and needles wondering which house she chose, so I won't keep you in suspense any longer... she chose.... Condo #1! The great house with an unfortunate telephone pole. After she purchases the house, we get to see how she's styled it and made it her own. She did a lovely job and she was very happy with her decision. They did show a shot of the backyard and she really spruced it up with a lawn chair and a flower pot with dirt in it. Unfortunately, it looks as though the city denied her request as the telephone pole was still there. I don't know how she sleeps at night with that huge eyesore.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

There's an App for that...

In the beginning I thought the iPhone was over-hyped. Yes, it looked cool and all. But, it couldn't be THAT cool. I was skeptical, at best. Then I got an iTouch. A better contraption, I've never owned! (Except for maybe underwear.)
I love my iTouch, I do. But imagine if you could get an app that allowed it to make phone calls as well! Oh...wait...that's an iPhone. I still haven't caved and gone over to the new wave of technology and gotten an iPhone. I've said it before and I'll say it again... I'll get an iPhone when they make an iPhone Shuffle*.
Much like the iPod shuffle, you just shake it for a random selection. This way, I shake my phone and it randomly calls people for me. I'm feeling lucky....ahhh, crap...I didn't want to talk to my Aunt today....ah well, the iPhone Shuffle has decided.

Whether you own an iPhone or an iTouch, you'll quickly become aware that there really is an "app for that." Really. For everything.
Want to find out how many ounces are in a cup? There's an app for that. (Don't judge me, I don't have room in my head for these kinds of things.)
Need to know where the sex offenders are in your neighborhood? There's an app for that! (Walking around your neighborhood looking for shady people is usually pretty reliable too.)
Need a map or directions? There's an app for that. (Although I've yet to find an app for directions with an "avoid ghetto" routing option, so you're taking your chances here, folks.)

There's an app for everything...well, nearly everything. I'm hear to tell you that coming soon, there WILL be an app for everything....

Researchers in the UK are working on a technology that would allow you to self-diagnose STD's on your phone. Right now, basically the dark ages, we (I say "we" but I really mean "you filthy perverts") have to overcome embarrassment and see an actual doctor. Not no' mo' folks! Not no' mo'.

If you think you might have an STD, you’ll be able to pee on a computer chip (seriously, you pee on it…) and then plug that into your phone or computer for insta-diagnosis. The plan is to sell the chips in vending machines in night clubs, right next to the condoms and tampons. It's unclear as to whether or not you could just pee directly ON your phone, but I'm guessing I should get practice in and begin doing that immediately. I'll gladly pee on your phone as well.

The app is still in development, but researchers hope it will encourage STD awareness amongst people who are too embarrassed to ask their doc, “Does this look infected?” (But not too embarrassed to pee on a computer chip in a night club bathroom stall, I guess. I mean...where would you rather find out that you have AIDS? At the doctor, or in a night club right before you do shots and a random person? A night club, of course.)

I'm hoping this becomes a new wave of technology and I'll be able to pee on phones for all diagnostic testing. It would eliminate my need to drive to instacare and see an apathetic doctor who prescribes antibiotics. My primary care physician could become iDoctor. I could just call them and say, "Hey Doc. I just peed on my phone. It says I have bronchitis and a touch of the vapors...whaddya got for that?"

*The iPhone Shuffle! (In stores Neverbember of 2048)

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

You can't make this stuff up!

Okay, in order for you to find this blog entry even remotely funny...I'm going to need you to put aside your sense of compassion for others. ...I'll wait...

Done? Great. Read on!

We've all seen the Segway scooters that have fascinated the world. They've been featured at local shopping centers, amusement parks, stores, commercials, tv and movies. If you've ever ridden one then you know it's not as easy as it looks. And their safety has long been brought into question. Segway has maintained their stance that their product is safe and that people of all ages will love it!

Well....yesterday there was this breaking news story...

The British millionaire businessman, Jimi Heselden, 62, who owns the firm Segway has been found dead at the bottom of a cliff with one of the two-wheeled electric scooters near his body.

I laughed. I did. I'm sorry, but it's funny. What was he doing on a cliff with his Segway? The family and company both maintain it was a "freak accident" and that there is nothing suspicious about his death. It would be a pretty funny cover for someone to murder him via Segway death. But no, it was merely a tragic accident. A 62 year old cliff jumping on a Segway? Now THAT is a Youtube hit!

And, yes, I know some of you will judge me for finding this tragedy humorous. But, you know you snickered a little too. And I did warn you that you'd need to leave your compassion at the door.
Don't judge me.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Target Audience...

I get a lot of strange mail...sometimes I think I must have a postal mail stalker because they know me so well with random advertisements. And then other times....? Yeah... I can't figure out how I got on their mailing list. One of my previous posts about being on someone's mailing list...

Well, I've gotten another magazine in the mail and I can't help but think I'm not their target audience...

A few things stood out to me... As with the Latina magazine, I feel like maybe I'm not the race their looking for. Perhaps.
Also, I'm not a working mother. I'm not even a mother.

However, I found the article, "Help! My kid is nothing like me!" to be very informative. Because my kid isn't anything like me. And by "kid" I mean my goat. We're nothing alike.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A few things on my mind...

....rarely, but once in a great while, I have a thought cross my mind. And even more rarely? Several in one day. I felt I should write them down here while I can still remember this monumental occasion! Plus, I like to keep my fans updated on what's been going on in my life. For instance, earlier today I wrote the following make up letter:

"Dear Gym,
I think I've been neglecting our relationship. How about we talk about it over a coke and a family block of chocolate? See you on the couch...I'll be there all day. Lazily, Lisa"

Lately I've talked a lot about Tweeting, journaling, preserving your memories. And I started thinking about it...turns out, I don't really want to preserve my memories. They are best left forgotten in the closet with my leg warmers. But, I have started keeping a journal anyway. In case I ever get amnesia and need to be reminded of who I am. Well, more case I want to be reminded of who I want myself to think I was. Yeah, it's a fake journal. I just finished a 3 week long journal entry about my trek through the Himalayas. Next up: How I discovered penicillin! My amnesiac self will be so proud of who she thinks I was.

Sometimes I suffer from insomnia. And when that happens, I try to think of detailed things that will tire out my brain and allow me to sleep. So, the other night...I decided to design my dream house in my head. Very intricate, ornate, a bit over the top. My building material of choice? Oreo cookies. Then I realized...if I built a house out of Oreos, I'd be homeless in a day. Better stick to brussel sprouts. Might make hanging pictures tough, but I'll figure it out. I'm resourceful.

The other day I was driving down the freeway and I saw a billboard advertising for an Emergency Room at a local hospital. Know your target audience, I guess. What struck me as really odd was that they have a time keeper countdown letting you know what your average wait time would be if you went there right now. know...let's say you're chopping brussel sprouts at home, trying to get it just right for the addition to your master bathroom that you're planning on working on...and you cut off your thumb. Thinking quickly, you put the thumb on ice and head to the hospital. On the way there you see the billboard that says current expected wait time at the ER? 118 minutes. Uh, I don't think so. I don't have that kind of time. So you head back home and live a thumb-less life. What choice did you have?

That's all for today folks...hope you're having a great day!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Getting old

I dread getting old. I really do. It doesn't seem like much fun. Not the sagging body parts and wrinkles and gray hair thing, that I already have and quite enjoy.
No, I'm talking about the getting old and senile and losing control of your bodily functions part. Nobody wants that.
But then sometimes you come across an old person who inspires you and you think... this won't be so bad. If I can age gracefully and live a full life like this person, I'll be happy.

I found the person I want to be when I become elderly...

BOISE, Idaho – Police have arrested a 74-year-old woman who is accused of repeatedly dumping maple syrup, corn syrup, ketchup and mayonnaise into a library book drop in Idaho's capital city. Authorities had previously issued a pair of warrants for Joy Cassidy's arrest earlier this month after she failed to appear in court.

But she turned herself in at the Ada County jail on Monday. Cassidy was originally arrested on June 13.

That's after police say she poured mayonnaise in the library's book drop box that day — and was a person of interest in at least 10 other condiment-related incidents at the Ada Community Library in Boise since May 2009.

Condiment related crimes? That's brilliant!!! I just imagine this old lady going to Sam's Club to buy condiments in bulk. Not because she's cooking for a lot of people...just because she's planning some pranks.

"Let's see... I got two tubs of ketchup. One for the library drop box and one for my neighbor's mailbox. Relish for the electric company's payment box... uh...mayonnaise just in case...that's everything!"

Then the image of her tip toeing up to the drop box with her condiments and pouring them in? Priceless.

Lady, I applaud you. I want to be you. Bravo!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Journal my Tweets, please!

I've always been told to keep a journal. I've started at least a dozen in my life. I've yet to ever fill up a journal though. Typically there are 5...maybe 10 entries. I start writing and my hand gets a cramp and suddenly nothing seems that important.

Then came online journaling. You could just type your journal and print as needed! I just don't have that level of commitment. My life is fairly boring to live, let alone write about.

You're supposed to journal so that your posterity can learn from your life... uh, first of all, I don't have any posterity. Secondly, if they're learning from my life all they need to do is read warning labels. All of them were based on me.

While I may not have the ability to stick to writing in a journal, or the commitment to online journaling... there was something I could commit to. Twitter. All it asks is that I tell it whatever I'm thinking in 140 characters or less. So, consider Twitter my journal for my posterity. Below is my journal, beginning October 20th, 2008 to present. It's actually quite frightening when you read them individually. There's a few gems in there, but I'd say 97% of them don't make sense out of context. Or in context. If I could even remember what it was. you go, Posterity... here is 20 months of my life, summed up in Tweets.


is going to join the CIA, for all of the on-the-job perks!

says we're all friends. On the surface, where it counts.

wonders why you sentence someone to life in prison PLUS 25 years. Can you really enforce the PLUS part?

have seen a lot of people who are dressed up as ugly people with bad hair for Halloween...interesting...

says the sunset is so pretty and it's PINK just for me!!! Thanks for making life pretty for me, nature! F

says we always had a choice. We could shoot her and bury her body in the woods. That's a choice!

is engaged in an all-in, high-stakes game of war with her body. There can only be ONE winner. Spoiler alert: I'm not winning.

wonders why "flaky" is such a bad quality in a date, but such a good quality in a crust.

is in the market for a glass eye... preferably green. If you know of a good deal on one, just let me know!

...confidence: it's the food of the wise man, but the liquor of the fool.

thinks group therapy would be a great way to meet know I love me some crazies!

's horoscope today reads: "Think with your head, not with your genitals."

says trust me, you do not want to work in outer space. Nope. You just spend your whole day chasing floating poop.

got hit on by airport security. Surprised he didn't frisk me. He said he's hoping to see me when I return.

thinks 'Kenny Chesney' and 'Greatest Hits' is an oxymoron. The album must be blank.
just watched a dog run into a guy on a bike and knock him his bike, into the sprinklers. Made my day.

is considering a career as a "phone actress." Hours are great, pay is good, don't have to do much. Perfect!

says...the problem with 'speculation' is that you make a 'spec' out of 'u' and some guy named 'lation.'

is visiting Arizona and now an hour behind. Can anyone from my time zone tell me what happens in the future?

just spent 5 minutes searching frantically for her cell phone. Found it. Put it in my bra hours ago. D'oh! Look in bra first next time!

is inviting everyone to her "good, old fashioned find the smell" par-tay! Everyone is invited, winner gets to throw away stinky object.

thinks that if your fiance is better looking than you, he's gay. It's a classic symptom of 'fruit blindness.'

thinks that deciding to recycle as an old person is like deathbed repentance. The damage is already done! tempting as his offer for nefarious activities might be, somehow the mullet made the decision for me.

wonders if you wanna be killed with her, or when you're out looking for her? We're all dead, no way out.

really needs to learn how to hotwire a car. It's a good skill to have. You know... Just in case.

hopes Madoff enjoys his 150 years in prison. I think anything after 100 will be a breeze! You can do it Madoff!

thinks playing dead is a really risky tactic.

is finalizing her plans to move to Alaska, get a pink boat and name it 'Ice Princess' and star on Deadliest Catch!

is it just me, or is 'DEBBIE DOES FREIGHT' a really bad name for a reputable business?

how dare you call me a racist? A homophobe? Maybe. Distrustful of Spaniards? Who isn't? But nobody calls me a racist!

Just saw a man with a beard, in a skirt and lacy top with boobs. Come on. Pick a gender.

Why must the inside of my car feel like Satan's lair?

You say potato, I say vodka.

will not have this argument with you again. You are not now, nor will you ever be, a fish.

is wondering if it's possible to find a date by Twitter alone.

Thinks man on moped = douche.

Yes, I have a life. I have tivo.

is going to open a new restaurant, Tamale: China Bistro.

What is with Whoopi Goldberg's weird sunglasses that she's always wearing on the end of her nose?

...promise me, if we're both single in 29 years...we'll kill one another.

Do bank employees think glasses make them look smart? It doesn't.

is so grateful for this energizing deodorant... There's no end to what I can accomplish now!

would love to carpool with you but I see you're taking Douchemeister Lane and I'm not going that direction.

has such a hard time knowing if she's being hit on or not. Especially when it's by a woman.

is nothing without the interweb.

thinks everything in Mexico is a dollar because they're having a going out of country sale.

always wants Ihop in the middle of the night. "Welcome to Ihop, how may I hop you?"

has touched fives of tens of people with her amazing personality.

wonders if going out for Slurpees at 3am is a bad idea.

just learned there's a tornado simulator at the mall. This seems retarded.

will just go ahead and sleep in while you do the Ironman Triathalon...

doesn't understand her lack of fame.

thinks you never forget how to laugh...unless you've suffered brain damage.

wonders if it's wrong to spy on someone if you know you won't get caught?

hasn't been keeping exact scores, but I'm pretty sure I won.

is going to be so angry when her mood elevators wear off.

wonders how it can be eleven and I haven't gotten any texts? That's unpossible! Phone must be broken.

says it's an illusion. A trick is what a whore does for money.

is sorry I'm late, but I wanted to miss most of this occasion.

wants to make a difference in someone's life. Good or bad. I could go either way on this one.

knows right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.

has a serious case of "you don't appear to want me as much so now I want you more-itis"

thinks there is a big difference between Muslim and muslin. And when one is used when the other is's hilarious.

is going to have to start drinking 5 hour Energy every 3 hours for it to remain effective, me thinks.

is going to have really curled up toes when she's old.

loves that a guy just asked her if her eyes were real. Hmmm. Nope, glass.

... Dear Universe, I despise you. Love, Lisa Marcell

thinks microwaves are of the devil. It's the only reasonable explanation.

thinks if you're being quoted on a murder investigation you shouldn't use the word "Friggin'!"

‘s day started out with a spider attack. I don't think it's going to get any better, either.

thinks it's absurd that it's 2010 but we can't get a decent looking fax!?!

thinks it's time to get her life in order...ish.

has never seen an Asian with a big ding-a-ling. Must not exist.

thinks when you join a suicide pact, you should be sure of the other person's mental status and timetable expectations.

says: if slapping you is wrong, I don't want to be right.

wants to thank you for giving weight to my argument that all men are inherent dillholes.

says if you're driving the "I want to get in their pants" truck, it has a lot of blind spots.

wants you to calm down. It was a victimless crime. Like public indecency.

has just been upgraded to a king size bed, jacuzzi tub, presidential suite in hell. Woot Woot!

this just in... Your tongue is fat too!

this might be my bad mood talking... but I kind of wish you were dead.

Rue McLanahan is gone...the Golden Girls' section in Heaven's cocktail bar is getting crowded! Stay strong Betty White! You're my last GG!

wants to know what happened to tennis socks with pom poms on the back? There ain't nothin' wrong with those!

opened the cabinet and glasses flew out at me. Is someone trying to kill me? If so, why aren't they better at it?

loves that our local news continues to prove why it's only local.

doesn't have the commitment to be a serial killer.

thinks there's regret, like I shouldn't have eaten so much cheese. And then there's REGRET.

s looking for her cyanide capsule. Have you seen it? Oh, there it is. Wait...that's a tic tac.

's fortune cookie: "You will not sucks forever."

owes so much to the massive chip on her shoulder.

has a real fear of suffocation by her own boobs. It could happen.

thinks real men carry a knife on their belt... But then again, serial killers probably do too.

says everyone knows that the first step towards recovery is narcissistic and vaguely hostile paranoia.

's twitter cycle: Tweet, tweet, tweet again, tweet more, tweet worse, stop tweeting, regret tweets, swear never to tweet again. Wait. Tweet. Repeat.

may have exaggerated her interest in you by implying she had any at all.

thinks the road to hell looks just like a Walmart parking lot.

...uh, Mr. Emo cashier? Your fly is down. Not so apathetic now, are you?

looks sooooo pretty in denial.

would be more outdoorsey if they didn't keep the bugs and dirt out there.

thinks that as far as personality glitches go, killing his last girlfriend is a pretty big one. It may possibly be a red flag.

thinks if there is such a thing as reincarnation, I was never Japanese. None of that crap is ringing a bell.

wonders why people are always saying that alcohol doesn't solve your problems. Neither does milk, but we're sure gulping that down.

says, "You're welcome, America!" For everything I am and will be. You are welcome.

just came up with a new reality show called "You done me wrong!" It's going to be a runaway hit...if anyone ever produces it...

is a professional comedian, if you don't count the fact that I don't get paid for it.

thinks commas make all the difference. "Don't drive stupid!" OR "Don't drive, stupid!" I prefer the latter.

believes in love at first sight. So much so that I don't even look homeless men in the eye. Can't risk it.

has settled on a career path! Dramatization Actress.

wonders how long I would be on hold if my call WASN'T important to them?

tells herself she's deplorable. My self seems unconcerned with that.

would make a terrible optimist.

heard hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anyone who "rested to death"?

........Well, there's my journal, posterity. 20 months of my life, summed up in Tweets. I can't help but think my life has been wasted....and if you read all of those, I wasted your life too. You're welcome!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Dating 104

In this day and age, it’s rare to meet in a traditional sense. Girls used to meet the boy next door…these days we wave politely at the boy next door and then complain about his stereo being too loud. What used to be a cute guy winking at you over the tomatoes? Now I wonder if he’s going to follow me to the parking lot and become a stalker. Besides, I’m too busy Facebooking and Twittering to meet people organically these days. I don’t have that kind of time. So how do we meet out potential dates? Online.
This can be both a great thing and a scary thing. Both a productive thing and a horrific waste of time. That’s the beauty of the Interweb.

You certainly get a broader range of people than you normally would in your day to day life. And it’s more efficient, definitely. In real life, guys don’t come with a sandwich board over their body that details their likes and dislikes, their preferences, etc. I find this very helpful.
But what I find most helpful? What they put in the “Looking for” category. When asked to describe what they’re looking for...most of these men will quickly tell you about every failed relationship they’ve had, without even having to say it.
Here are some real life examples that I’ve come across:

“I want a girl who’s relaxed about life. If you don’t like that I drink every day, stop reading now.” –Clearly a touchy subject. He’s obviously had some really uptight girlfriends who didn’t like that he’s an alcoholic.

“Looking for a woman who understands that I’m busy. With work, family and friends, I don’t have a lot of extra time.”
–Translation: Are you okay if I never call you when I say I will?

“Looking for a non-cheater!” –I’d assume this is pretty standard, but I appreciate the clarification.

“Sensitive boob seeks sensitive breast.” –You like boobs, we get it.

“Looking for a sexy woman with blue eyes.” –We’ve all got our priorities. I can’t fault him for that.

“Looking for an upbeat girl. I don’t want to constantly hear about your bad day at work or problems with your mom.” –Most guys will feign interest till they get you in bed. But not this guy…he’s letting you know upfront, he’s not here to listen.

“I want a woman who understands intelligent humor and sarcasm. If you’re easily offended, move on.” –Translation: I’m a jackass, but I wear pompous glasses…so it’s all good.

“Looking for a girl who appreciates music and art as much as I do.”
–Translation: I’m a struggling musician, will you pay for dinner?

“I would like to find a woman who wears khaki because I think that's so attracting.” -Now, right off you know that he might pay attention to your wardrobe, but English isn’t a priority with him. Also, the days of having to choose an outfit? Long gone! With this guy, you wear your khakis and you’re all set!

“No meth addicts, recovering or otherwise.” –Good, he has boundaries. Now, while I know that while meth may not be his cup of tea, perhaps he’s heroin friendly?

“Must be okay with iguanas, gerbils and hamsters because I have several.” –Okay, Dr. Doolittle. Die alone, party of one?

Online dating isn’t an easy world. But it makes for some eventful stories. I think it must have been much, much tougher to be so creepy before the internet. Here’s my profile: “Seeking a man… preferably one who doesn’t own any gerbils or iguanas, doesn’t mind that my eyes are green, is okay with me wearing jeans and not khakis, doesn’t mind that I take prescription drugs, calls relatively close to when he says he will, doesn’t have trust issues and...likes boobs.”

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Dating 103

Some of you may remember my Valentine's Day post...remember when I talked about the "smug bastards" that have already found "the one" and therefore have all kinds of advice to offer you in the dating world?
Whether it's helping you through a break-up or helping you to figure out the ins and outs of dating...they are there for you. Typically to tell you what you're doing wrong. If I had a dime for every time someone told me I should stop picking up dates at Narcotics Anonymous... sheesh. Back off! I know what I'm doing. And I've met a lot of quality guys there, thank you very much.

But seriously, usually they say something about looking at the wrong type of guy. The bad boy, the workaholic, Mr. Macho, the controller, the gym rat, the commitment-phobe, the mama's boy, etc.
But sometimes it's about what YOU are doing wrong. My favorite one? "You're too picky!"
Well, good hell, you're telling me to commit to someone for the rest of my life and you want me to not be picky? I have a really hard time buying shoes. Even when it's "Buy One Get One Free" and in this scenario, I don't get two husbands. So, I may be a tad picky... but I'm entitled to be....riiiight?

I thought so. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that these friends are right. I should, perhaps, lower my expectations a bit. Think about it... Hitler had a wife. Biographers even classify their marriage as a "good relationship." How bad do you think her previous relationships were? ... "That last guy was a real douche, always eating crackers in bed and leaving the toilet seat up...but this Hitler, he's a man who knows what he wants! World domination!"

I definitely could be too picky...I mean...Hitler found love. There really IS a freak out there for everybody.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Dating 102

One of the things that seems to stop most singles from getting out there and trying to meet new people, or to ask out that person they’ve had their eye on, or to get up the courage to express their feelings to a certain someone...
the fear of rejection. It’s a genuine fear. Nobody likes to be rejected.
Ok, that’s a lie...we’ve all seen American talent shows on reality television. Clearly *some* people enjoy rejection. But most of us don’t.

I learned one sure fire way to combat this fear: don’t accept their rejection. Works like a charm!
For example: I had a gentleman suitor express interest in pursuing a relationship with me “culminating towards marriage.”
I appreciated his boldness, his fervor, his no-nonsense attitude. However, I just didn’t see myself wanting to spend my life with him. So I kindly, gently, rationally explained why I didn’t want to pursue this relationship culminating towards marriage.
...There was a brief pause and he followed it up with, “You will reconsider.”

And damned if I didn’t. How could I not? He was so sure. I’m not sure I have any choice but to marry him. So, remember, if your love interest doesn’t respond in kind…don’t take no for an answer! They may reconsider!

Next up in the dating series... You're too picky!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Dating 101

I think some of the funniest stories in my life come from my dates, or dates my friends have. Unfortunately, due to all of the law suits…I can’t share any of them with you.
What I can share is that single life and the dating process is wonderful... and horribly hilarious at times. My perspective changes as I change. It seems to be inevitable that when you don’t have such a good time on the date, you hear from them the next day. (And sometimes every day thereafter until you change your number.) But then there is that elusive Fantastic (with a capital F) date. But then...a day passes...2 days...3 days...a week...Yet, he doesn't call. He doesn't text. He doesn't use the number he (emphasis on HE) asked for. What runs through a woman’s head as to why???

1. He's playing it cool.
2. His cell phone battery died.
3. He lost my number.
4. He's gay.
5. Wait...that can't be right, not with THAT goodnight kiss.
6. On the way home, he got kidnapped by a Somali terrorist group.
7. He's dead. And if he isn't dead, he should be.
8. He's a sadist who gets off on torturing women. I dodged a bullet. Or knife.
9. Do I have any ice cream?
10. He's definitely gay… who ate all of my ice cream?

This is how a woman works. But men, men are different...
A couple of weeks ago, I went on the most boring date I’ve ever been on (Top 5, at least.) Okay, that’s unfair. The date wasn’t boring. I have nothing against the 9th of June. But the company I kept on the 9th of June was boring. I was bored enough to finish my shopping list in my head during dinner. (Which, by the way, I also had time to alphabetize.)
At the end of the date...the really, really early end of the date... I made it clear that while I appreciated the evening, I wasn’t interested in repeating it. Hard to say to someone, but I think it’s better than just leaving someone wondering, or leading them on. No harm, no foul, it just didn’t work. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. We both move on!

I hear from him the next day.
And the day after.
And every other day since then. Turns out that while women may have 10 reasons why they haven’t heard from their recent only have one reason...

1. She must want me to try harder, I’ll call her again later.

That’s just how the dating world works sometimes. You like them...they don't like you. You don't like them...they really like you. It's a wonder anyone finds love these days! Luckily, we've got more and more reality shows devoted to teaching us how not to find love.

Tune in for the next post about Dating...the fear of rejection!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

This Just In: Acquitted, adandoned and vomited upon

It's that time again... I've been reading the news. It happens fairly infrequently, but when it does it always reminds me not to do it again any time soon!

The first story caught my eye with the headline:
"Man acquitted in death of Policeman"

That intrigued me. Typically, cop killers are punished pretty severely. I went on to read the rest of the article... here is an excerpt...

A Philadelphia man was found not guilty of murdering a policeman who died 41 years after the defendant shot him.

Ummm, back up? What was that? Here are the facts of the case:
William Barnes, now 74, shot Walter Barclay in 1966. Barclay died of a Urinary Tract Infection in 2007. Barnes served 16 years in prison for Attempted Murder after the shooting. The jury acquitted William Barnes after a week-long trial in which prosecutors tried to argue there was a chain of direct causation between his shooting of Walter Barclay in 1966 and Barclay's death from a urinary tract infection in 2007. The defense maintained that any links between the shooting and Barnes' death were broken by three car accidents, two falls from his wheelchair and neglect by nursing home staff, all of which could have contributed to ending his life.

Is it just me? Do Philadelphia prosecutors have nothing better to prosecute? Any current, reasonable crimes to charge people with? Clearly, Barnes did something wrong. 44 years ago. And he was punished for that. But you really and truly thought THIS was a good use of time and money? Remind me to commit my next crime in Philadelphia...because they won't get to it for another 40 years and I plan on being dead by then!

Next up... I bring you the tale of a sleeping passenger...

"Woman Suing After She Fell Asleep On Plane"

Ginger McGuire was aboard a United Express flight from Washington, DC to Philadelphia. She says she fell asleep during the flight. It landed shortly after midnight Tuesday but no one woke her up until a cleaning crew found her four hours later. McGuire told reporters, "I fell asleep on the plane and next thing you know I wake up, it's 4:00 in the morning. Nobody's on the plane. Nothing." McGuire has hired Geoffrey Fieger who is filing a lawsuit for false imprisonment, emotional distress and negligence.

Uhhhh...Pardon me? I have a tough time falling asleep on a flight in the first place. It's bumpy, there is a lot of noise and light, people are always moving around, etc. Not only did Ginger manage to fall asleep.... she slept for 4 hours following the flight. I think her real concern should be whether or not something is medically wrong with her. Sure, it does bring up a valid question of why the flight attendants didn't wake her upon arrival. But, are they her mother? I think not.
"McGuire has hired Geoffrey Fieger who is filing a lawsuit for false imprisonment, emotional distress and negligence."

Negligence...maybe. Not as negligent as she was, but maybe. Emotional distress? You were asleep the whole time! You were the exact opposite of distressed! False Imprisonment? I don't think so. I'm positive the Captain removed the 'Fasten Seat Belt' sign. Any imprisonment was her own doing.

Remember a minute ago when I said to remind me to commit my next crime in Phillie? I take it back. Turns out they prosecute current crimes too...

"Man admits to vomit assault at Phillies game"

21 year old Clemens stuck fingers down his own throat to induce vomiting, which he expelled all over a father and daughter after they had a fight during a Phillies Game.
I don't have anything clever to add...this one stands on it's own!

Thanks for joining me for this version of "This Just In" Readers! Till next time!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

More advertisements...

I've seen more marketing at its finest, folks! Advertisements abound all around us... and sometimes, they make us laugh...unintentionally.

Earlier today I passed a company that was selling hot tubs. They've got a million signs telling me to come look at their hot tubs and buy one today!!! And then their marketing genius at work... a GIANT inflatable duck. Sitting on a hot tub. It was too big to even fit in the hot tub, so it just sat on top of it. How many times have you seen ducks and gone... "Ahhhh, THAT'S the life. If only I were a duck. Sigh. If only."
I know I sure have.

This one was a personal advertisement, not for a business. But I saw a car the other day and written on the back window were the words "Just Divorced!"
I don't know if this was an announcement, a celebration or a personals ad. If it was a personals ad... great idea. I think I'm going to write on my back window,
"SWF seeking tall, dark and handsome. Must not live with mom OR in prison, have own transportation and willingness to commit to more than your goldfish."
On second thought, I might need a bigger window.

I was at the store the other day, and they had much of the parking lot sectioned off. There was a company there, redoing the lines in the parking lot. Apparently it's a business. They specialize in "striping." Their name? All Star Striping. Great. I know they're all-stars in the business and that they are excellent at painting stripes!
Here's where things get a little unfortunate... On the sides of their vehicle, advertising their business it clearly said, "All Star Striping" so you'd know who they were and how to get in contact with them. Unfortunately, on the back of their truck, it read "All Star Stripping."
I'll be honest, I'm more inclined to call All Star Stripping than All Star Striping.

Receptionist: "Thank you for calling All Star Striping, how may I help you?"
Me: "Uh, yeah, do you guys do bachelorette parties?"
Receptionist: "Excuse me? You want us to paint stripes on a bachelorette?"
Me: "I guess if that's part of the package. I've never seen a stripper who paints stripes, but it sounds interesting."
Receptionist: "We're STRIPERS, not STRIPPERS!"

One letter. You add a 'p' and it makes ALL the difference.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Advertising at it's finest...

Advertisements are everywhere. Big, small, flashy, boring, funny... they're everywhere. Some are more effective than others, however.

There's a billboard in Utah for a gas station/convenience store called Guads. They're billboard avertisement reads...
"I get gas at Guads!"
Uhhhh...remind me not to try their hot dogs.

I recently passed a bank in town that has one of the light-up screens. In big, flashing letters it read, "You should smell like dirt"

I'm sure that tag line must have intended to come after something else or before something else? But I sat through an entire red light and it never changed... it never flashed anything else. Just the fact that I should smell like dirt. I'm not sure why I should smell like dirt, what that has to do with a bank or why they care for me to smell like dirt. But, they sucked me in, for sure. I'm going in on Monday, with a pile of dirt and I'm going to try to deposit it into my account. I'll be rich! Filthy rich! No, literally,'s dirt...get it?

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Chop Chop

One day at a restaurant with my bff we grabbed our utensils while we waited for our food to arrive. Being as helpful as he is (and wanting to make me look like a fool) my bff grabbed some chopsticks for us since they were located right next to the forks.
We couldn't help but laugh at the Chopsticks wrapper. The following is written EXACTLY as it was on the chopsticks wrapper, capitalization and punctuation and all...

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant.
Please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks.
the traditional and typical of Chinese glonous history.
and cultural."

I especially enjoyed that they assumed my Chinese food was "nice" and that the Chinese are 'glonous' and 'cultural.' I enjoyed what they chose to capitalize and what they didn't... also... we weren't at a Chinese Restaurant... but they did welcome me to one. That was kind of them.

On the back they offered helpful suggestions for how to use them! Thank you, because the only thing I know how to do with them is use them to hold my hair up like Mulan did.

Step#1 Tuek under thumb

This is where things get dicey. I don't know what a 'tuek' is.

Step#2 Add second chopstick hold as you hold pencil

Hmmm...I tried repeatedly to use the second chopstick as a pencil, but I never managed to get it to write anything.

Step#3 Hold first chopstick in original position move second one up and down. Now you can pick up anything

This was not easy to do as they said to hold the first chopstick in the original position, which was "tuek." Also, I found this to be false advertising. Not only could I not pick up my food with these directions...I couldn't pick up "anything" as they suggested I would be able to. I really committed to this experiment. I used the chopsticks to hold the steering wheel, which resulted in a ticket. I used the chopsticks to flip off the cop who gave me the ticket...and they actually worked really well for that. Later I tried to use them in the bathroom to pick up the toilet paper... I'm ending that story there.

On the wrapper they have several Chinese characters, which I can only assume that, loosely translated, mean "Congratulations, American! You dropped rice on your shirt! Use a fork, dumbass!"

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Weekend at Bernie's: The Retirement Years


On April 6th, 2010 I brought you the feel good story of the year...

"In UK news.... two women, ages 41 (daughter) and 66 (mother), were arrested after they tried to smuggle a corpse onto a flight from London to Berlin. The women placed the man, their relative, into a wheelchair and covered his face with sunglasses in an attempt to get him aboard the flight. They are being charged with "suspicion of failing to give notification of death." To be fair, maybe they didn't know he was dead. 91 year old men aren't that lively. I want to know what their end game was.
I just want to know what their explanation was. "Didn't know he was dead... he's been that way for years."
Or, "Oh, THAT'S what that stink was...I just thought he was extra flatulent today..."
Or, they could have been filming a movie sequel; 'Weekend at Bernie's: Bernie takes Europe!'
'Weekend At Bernie's: The Retirement Years'
There are all kinds of plausible explanations. I want to hear their side of it."

As you may have noticed, I ended my tale with "I want to hear their side of it"... well, I wanted to bring you an update. The wife of the 91 year old corpse has come out to tell her side of this story. And it suddenly all makes SO much sense.

I'm not making this up, this is a direct quote: "I'm not a smuggler. My Willi only died at the airport. He suddenly looked so lifeless, like a wax figure. His fingernails turned blue all of a sudden. At home he was still warm -- I swear!"

Oh. Well, that explains it. I've seen the security lines in airports, I wouldn't go back to bury my husband and then have to stand in THAT line again either. Security lines are getting ridiculous these days.

I imagine their trip went something like this...

Daughter: "Well, we have a little time before our flight, I'm going to run over to Starbucks and grab a latte. You guys want anything? Mom? Dad?"

Mother: "I'll take a white chocolate mocha."

Dad: "....."

Mother: "What was that honey? Do you want something? Honey???"

Daughter: "Dad? Daaaaad? He looks kinda pale...feels a little chilly..."

Mother: "Well, he was warm when we left the house. But I don't feel a pulse now."

Daughter: "We already bought his ticket home. When I get our lattes I'll see if I can get some sunglasses, a hat and a scarf in the souvenir shop and we'll just bring him home on the flight and deal with this later."

Mother: "Good plan. Oh, also, get me a Cinnabon."

Dad: "...."

Friday, April 9, 2010

A new restaurant...kinda.

A while back we got an Iggy's Sports Grill. Good restaurant. Nothing hugely special, true. We already had a Chili's and a Ruby Tuesdays. But I thought Iggy's was a much better restaurant than those two...

Apparently I was the only one who thought that though. It went out of business. Boo! Then.....good news! I heard it was for sale for about a half a million. Chump change! I knew this was the business for me. It was a business opportunity and a challenge that I was looking forward to. turns out that I don't have a half a million dollars. I was slightly short of that, surprisingly. Bummer.

Luckily, someone has bought the Iggy's building. They decided not to buy the franchise though. The new owners took down the Iggy's Sports Grill sign...and then faced the very difficult challenge of coming up with a new name. I will give it to them, it's not easy. But...I have to say, I think these are some pretty unimaginative people that bought the old Iggy's Sports Grill. They just put up the new signs, proudly displaying their new name.... Aggy's Sports Grill.
Yes. Aggy's Sports Grill. Big change from Iggy's Sports Grill. Big difference.

I'm not sure of the logic behind this decision. Maybe they wanted to keep on the old staff, but also doubted the staff's intelligence and wanted to make it easy on them to remember the new name? Maybe they overpaid for the restaurant and needed to save on make-over costs? If you only have to change one letter it would probably save a lot of money.

I don't know what their reasoning was. Personally, I would have gone with Eeggy's. sounds like Iggy's, but with a Spanish accent. I hope that the food is more imaginative than their naming skills. We'll see!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Obama did WHAT?!?

I have to clear the air... this blog post has nothing to do with Obama and what he may or may not have said/done. It was just a cleverly disguised ruse to get you to read my blog. Ha ha, suckas! You're stuck now!

We have a new store in town! It's a Dress Barn. Honestly, I'm unlikely to ever peruse their racks. (he he he...I said 'racks'...)
What really cracks me up is their sign. It reads: DRESS BARN (and underneath that) WOMAN'S APPAREL
Am I the only one who saw the obvious humor in that?
It should say DRESS BARN (and underneath that) WOMAN'S APPAREL (and underneath that) STAY OUT, CROSS DRESSERS!!!
I mean...come says Dress in the store name. It's kind of funny that they felt the need to qualify it by saying it was for women... is it just me? Probably. I bet most people just drove by it and never had a cross-dressing thought.

I saw an ad recently for a product I never even considered before ... Private Label Dental Floss. Yes, it's true. Just the other day I was using my floss that I bought at Wal-Mart and I was thinking, "I'm better than this! I shouldn't have to use store bought dental floss. Where's P. Diddy when I need him???" Well, worry no more, teeth! I will soon be bringing you the floss you deserve.

In UK news.... two women, ages 41 and 66, were arrested after they tried to smuggle a corpse onto a flight from London to Berlin. The women placed the man, a relative of theirs, into a wheelchair and covered his face with sunglasses in an attempt to get him aboard the flight. They are being charged with "suspicion of failing to give notification of death." To be fair, maybe they didn't know he was dead. 91 year old men aren't that lively. I want to know what their end game was.
I just want to know what their explanation was. "Didn't know he was dead... he's been that way for years."
Or, "Oh, THAT'S what that stink was...I just thought he was extra flatulent today..."
Or, they could have been filming a movie sequel; 'Weekend at Bernie's: Bernie takes Europe!'
'Weekend At Bernie's: The Retirement Years'
There are all kinds of plausible explanations. I want to hear their side of it.

Well, that's all I have on my mind today, Readers. Literally. Sorry I lured you here under false pretenses...but Obama is a buzzword right now and I have to do whatever I can to get Readers to my blog! Suckas!

Monday, March 29, 2010

License Renewal

I think it's impossible to get fired if you work at a Government agency. Honestly, what are their standards? Once you get in, you're never taken out. Until you die. Or shoot up the building and your co-workers. Whichever comes first. (sometimes it's simultaneous.)
I realized on my last birthday that my license was about to I did my duty and went to the DMV. I walked into the DMV at 7:01 and I was still 10th in line. Our new fancy shmancy DMV has an automated system that assigns customers in order of arrival to the next DMV agent that would rather be eating arsenic covered beetles than pleasantly serve you. I wait in anticipation as the numbers in front of me are called and slooooooowly helped...and I wait. Oh, they just called #9... I'm next! I get my stuff together, wait on the edge of my seat and then it's announced... "Now serving #11 at station #5...." Wait a minute... I could swear 10 comes in between 9 and 11. But, then again, what do I know? I probably skipped school that day. I wait it out. They help 12, 13 and 14 and I decided to take matters into my own hands. I approach the DMV guy, tell him my number was never called. He informed me that it calls them in sequential order, so just wait my turn. Yeah, see, that's the problem. It calls in sequential order and my sequential was skipped, jerkface! He informed me it was impossible. I asked him, just for poops and giggles, if he could maybe check if a mistake had been made? Completely annoyed, he did check. And shockingly...a mistake had been made. He didn't phrase it that way, of course. The government makes no errors. He told me I would be called next. And I was... I got a lady whom I think was about 3 seconds from slitting her wrists. At least it seemed as though I was interrupting something that important. She reviews my application and then asks me if I wear glasses. I didn't answer her immediately. I just stared at her. Because of 2 reasons...
1. I had check marked the box on the application that said I was wearing glasses.
2. I was wearing glasses when she asked me that.

FINALLY... I was handed a temporary license with the following conversation...

Apathetic DMV Lady: "Here's your temporary license, your permanent one should arrive within two to three years."

Me: "Gee, I'll really be looking forward to that."

Apathetic DMV Lady: "Have a good day."

Yeah. 2 to 3 years. I assumed she meant 2 to 3 weeks because I overheard other people being told that. So I left.
Cut to me...still receiving no license in the mail more than a month later. 6 weeks later, actually. And as much as I wanted my permanent license, I was unwilling to contact the DMV. My temporary one was good for 6 months, so...I'll just wait it out. Not to worry, I finally *did* get my permanent license in the mail. Finally.

As her final revenge...the apathetic DMV lady took the absolute worst possible picture of me. I'm considering losing my license just to go get another picture.
But I don't think I could risk it. It could be on the day one of them finally decides to end it all. Government at it's finest!

Thursday, March 18, 2010


My bff Brandon and I frequently have email chats that I think others should be a part of. I've previously featured one on my blog last October, about the weather...or wezzer.

Today, I have to say...if you don't laugh at this...well then, there is no hope for you. The following is our conversation via email.

Lisa: Have you finished working on the time machine?

Brandon: I have. Only when I finished I realized I'd accidentally switched the instructions and baked a cake.

Lisa: And knowing how much I wanted a cake the other day, you still didn't bake me one????????

Brandon: Not to worry, it's Grandma's cake recipe. Next time she goes to make dessert, I'll send 3 Days Ago Lisa a piece.

Lisa: Past Lisa will be so grateful.

: Yay! Well Future Brandon says You're Welcome.

Lisa: That's really big of Future Brandon, considering Present Lisa castrates Present Brandon for not having the time machine finished.

Brandon: I'll have Grandma warn Past Brandon to hide.

Lisa: I think we should make a book of all of our conversations back and forth. Obviously no plot, probably will never make sense...but it would be entertaining.
This chapter would be called "Cake Off" and the title of the book would be "Besticles."

Brandon: I think you're onto something. We'll be RICH! Rich, I tell you!

Lisa: We'll be fabulously wealthy and laugh at all the little people. And by little people, I mean midgets.

We acknowledge the important place* in our society occupied by persons of small stature. We celebrate your uniqueness and defend your right to your dignity**. Nothing in this email should be taken as denigration of the vertically challenged***.

*and that place is between 0 and 3 1/2 feet from the ground. Bwahahaha!
**just like we hope you will defend our right to laugh, shorty
***unless you take "vertically challenged" to mean those poor suckers who can't get it up. THOSE people are FUNNY. Take that, limpy! And yes, that includes you, vertically challenged midgets. As people who don't discriminate against shorties, we strive to mock short limpies as ruthlessly as average and tall limpies.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Pot o' Gold

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Readers! As you know, this is the most important Holiday of the year. It's the only time you can demand that someone kiss you merely because you're Irish. And you don't even have to be Irish to use that line! Sure, you can use that line on other days of the year...but trust me, it doesn't go over well.

What I love about the world today is our ability to take anything noble, cherished, reverent...and turn it into a reason to get drunk, party and pinch anyone not wearing green. What started as a day to celebrate Saint Patrick for saving the Irish and converting them to Catholicism has turned into a day that we have a parade, celebrate leprechauns, search for a pot of gold, dye our rivers green and get smashing drunk on green beer. (others, not me.)

In any case, St. Patrick is definitely my favorite saint. Any guy who likes to wear green and get drunk and search for leprechauns in an effort to extort the location of their pot of gold out of them...he's an okay guy in my book. Sounds like we have similar interests and hobbies.

Lastly... My besticle and I were discussing blog writers. And I am convinced that I'd be far more hysterical if I was being paid to write blogs...and he said I should charge my readers. So, if you've read this, you're hosed. Here is his suggestion of what I should put on my blog to start making money... "I'm brilliant. You should be paying me to read my blog. That'll be $5, thank you."
I accept all major credit cards, cashier's checks and cash. No personal checks will be accepted... I know you people, you're shady. Oh, I will also accept skittles.

Kiss me, I'm Irish!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Lisa, the grouch.

I’m kind of in a bad mood these days. I know that might shock everyone reading this because I have been sooooo sunny and chipper. But it’s true. Sorry to burst your bubble, folks.
Sure, we could say that I may need to start looking at the brighter side of things... the silver lining in every cloud... look at the glass half full... OR, we can find someone else to blame my pissy disposition on.
Without looking very far, I found the reason I’m less than thrilled with life. Actually, I found a lot of reasons. I’ll highlight a few here....

1. School zones and crosswalks.
Yes, you heard me. School zones. Crosswalks. Sure, I think kids need to learn. And a school seems like a good place to do that. But does this mean that there should be nine school zones on my way to work? No. Does this mean that no matter what route I take to work that I should have to drive behind 3 buses that make a stop every 12 feet? No. I think that the schools should be outside of the town where I’m not driving. That will eliminate the school zones. As for the frequent bus stops? Short of banning children from living in the areas around me and where I may or may not drive… the obvious solution is to let them fend for themselves. Not to be cruel, of course. But to help them. Really. I think it would build character for them to see the bus coming and then get a running start and toss their bag into the bus and then run a bit faster and jump in the bus! Can you imagine the adrenaline rush they’ll feel? The sense of accomplishment? What a way to start out their day! Plus, if they want to be a train hobo when they’re grown up, they already have some experience. As for the children who don’t make it into the bus? Well…consider it thinning the herd.

2. Walk for the Cure, i.e. Fundraising walks.
“They” are constantly telling me to participate in a walk to stomp out... insert any disease here. Now, while I can get behind this helping to raise awareness and money for research to find a cure... sometimes I think we’re stretching it a bit. Diabetes? Breast Cancer? AIDS? All of these, worthwhile endeavors. I wouldn’t personally participate, even though I find these to be worthy causes, because it violates the lazy code of ethics… but still, they are worthwhile. Some diseases that I don’t really think deserve a ‘Walk for the Cure’??? .....

Basophobia- the extreme fear of falling down. So debilitating that the sufferer may never get up. And if they don’t have to, why would I get up and walk for their cure?
Maple Syrup Urine Disease- among other symptoms, a burnt sugar smell to your urine. But as funny as that sounds, I do not recommend urinating on your pancakes and then consuming them.
Seasonal Affective Disorder- It’s winter... awww, boo. :(
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- It’s not fun to say...mostly because I can’t... but, ironically, this is the medical term for the fear of long words. Cruel, much?
Proctalgia Fugax- which is a fleeting pain in the rectum. Yes, quite literally, a pain in the ass.

Again, I’ll happily support (cheer apathetically) a worthwhile walk for the cure fundraiser. But some of those diseases are reeeeeeally stretching it!

3. Daylight Savings time
For those of you who didn’t grow up in a state smart enough to opt out of Daylight Savings Time, guess what? It sucks. I know that you’ve always done it and you don’t know any better. But, it’s ridiculous. I don’t complain about it much in the Fall because, doi... we’re gaining an hour. An extra hour to sleep? I’m in!!! But then Spring rolls around and they want me to spring forward an hour? Lose an hour of sleep? Are you kidding me with this one, people? This year I am saying NO MORE. I’ll gladly fall back another hour if they’d like me to. But on Sunday, I will not be springing forward an hour. It’s time to take a stand. Who’s with me?!?!?!
Daylight Savings Time = Proctalgia Fugax.

Well, you can see, with the world out to get me, it's pretty tough to keep a cheerful outlook on life. After reading some of the problems plaguing me, I'm sure you're wondering how I get out of bed in the morning. It's not easy, I'll be honest. It's actually quite a proctalgia fugax. But, I persevere. I hope I can be an inspiration to all of you! If I can keep trying, so can you!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Kiefer Sutherland could really take some lessons from Jack Bauer. Kiefer is pathetic!

---Production of the Fox network thriller "24" has been temporarily shut down so that star and executive producer Kiefer Sutherland can undergo surgery.
Shooting is expected to resume next week with Sutherland's return. Twentieth Century Fox Television would not comment on the nature of Sutherland's ailment, referring to it only as "a medical procedure."---

I know what the "medical procedure" is... they're giving Kiefer some balls.

Jack would never let himself need surgery. And if by some stretch of the imagination he DID undergo surgery, he would only need 24 minutes of recovery time.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Love and Single Awareness Day

Ah, the month of love. Who doesn't love it? Single people, that's who! It's Single Awareness Day (aka Valentine's Day)...that extends into nearly an entire month.

Isn't that what this life is for? Aren't we all searching for that "someone"? That person who makes our heart pitter patter, who has heard our baggage and still thinks we're a good buy, the one you're willing to take on the world with. Our Soul mate.

Those in relationships have that superiority that comes from being in love. The smug feeling of Valentine's not being a big deal. After all... they have ALL year to show their love. Cupid has struck and they're no longer alone. They look at their single friends with pity, they offer words of wisdom to help you keep the faith...
"He's just around the corner!"
"I kissed a lot of frogs before I found the one!"
"By next Valentine's Day you'll be with the right one, I'm sure of it!"
"You'll know the right one when you see him."

These smug bastards are even worse when you've just broken up with someone...
"He just couldn't see how wonderful you are!"
"You're better off without him!"
"He was intimidated by you!"
"He's insecure."
"I never liked him anyway."
"The right one is just around the corner!"

They mean well, these people who have already found "the one." They do. But the mere fact that they've already found their match is reason enough to discount their words. Because is like a memory eraser. Those in love have forgotten how miserable a Valentine's Day can be alone. Or they've forgotten a first date where the guy spoke non-stop about his Star Wars collection. Or the guy who professed his love after two dates and asked you to procreate with him. Perhaps they don't remember the man who wore diapers at night. Or the indecisive guy who could never decide between you and his human shaped body pillow. They usually forget about the painful breakups too. The sleepless nights, going to the store in your pajamas, the dejected feelings, wondering if coloring your hair will make you suddenly more desirable...these things also get erased by the magic of love.
No, these smug people in love...they just remember that they did find the right one. The flutter, the rush of love. They look on every past relationship with fondness because it brought them to "the one!"
When all you want to is scream, "But I want 'the one' right noooooooooow!" and stomp your foot for emphasis. (doesn't work, I tried) But, alas, we must all wait our turn to find the right match. Maybe you can find it on who will guarantee you that if you don't find your match within 6 months...they'll give you 6 MORE months not find your match.

Maybe dating IS a numbers game. Maybe he truly IS right around the corner. Maybe he really DIDN'T see how wonderful you are. Maybe you WILL be with the right one by next Valentine's Day. Or...maybe you won't. Maybe you'll be alone forever. Maybe there is no right person out there for you. Maybe you're irreparably broken. Maybe your soul mate died in a terrorist attack years ago.

See? That's the single girl talking. As annoying as those "in love" smug friends are... you need them around. To remind you that you are beautiful, you have a lot to offer, he DIDN'T appreciate you, the right one WILL find you... Those smug bastards have a purpose. Listen to them. (but don't call them smug bastards to their face.)

As for me? I'll continue to listen to the words of wisdom, find hope in their uplifting words. And I will be buying myself some chocolate this Valentine's. And reminding myself that even though it's Single Awareness Day... I've already found my match. My TiVo. Maybe by next Valentine's I'll have someone to share the chocolate with, someone to watch my TiVo with. And maybe I won't.

Single or in love... Happy love month!