Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A few things on my mind...

....rarely, but once in a great while, I have a thought cross my mind. And even more rarely? Several in one day. I felt I should write them down here while I can still remember this monumental occasion! Plus, I like to keep my fans updated on what's been going on in my life. For instance, earlier today I wrote the following make up letter:

"Dear Gym,
I think I've been neglecting our relationship. How about we talk about it over a coke and a family block of chocolate? See you on the couch...I'll be there all day. Lazily, Lisa"

Lately I've talked a lot about Tweeting, journaling, preserving your memories. And I started thinking about it...turns out, I don't really want to preserve my memories. They are best left forgotten in the closet with my leg warmers. But, I have started keeping a journal anyway. In case I ever get amnesia and need to be reminded of who I am. Well, more accurately...in case I want to be reminded of who I want myself to think I was. Yeah, it's a fake journal. I just finished a 3 week long journal entry about my trek through the Himalayas. Next up: How I discovered penicillin! My amnesiac self will be so proud of who she thinks I was.

Sometimes I suffer from insomnia. And when that happens, I try to think of detailed things that will tire out my brain and allow me to sleep. So, the other night...I decided to design my dream house in my head. Very intricate, ornate, a bit over the top. My building material of choice? Oreo cookies. Then I realized...if I built a house out of Oreos, I'd be homeless in a day. Better stick to brussel sprouts. Might make hanging pictures tough, but I'll figure it out. I'm resourceful.

The other day I was driving down the freeway and I saw a billboard advertising for an Emergency Room at a local hospital. Know your target audience, I guess. What struck me as really odd was that they have a time keeper countdown letting you know what your average wait time would be if you went there right now. Because...you know...let's say you're chopping brussel sprouts at home, trying to get it just right for the addition to your master bathroom that you're planning on working on...and you cut off your thumb. Thinking quickly, you put the thumb on ice and head to the hospital. On the way there you see the billboard that says current expected wait time at the ER? 118 minutes. Uh, I don't think so. I don't have that kind of time. So you head back home and live a thumb-less life. What choice did you have?

That's all for today folks...hope you're having a great day!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Getting old

I dread getting old. I really do. It doesn't seem like much fun. Not the sagging body parts and wrinkles and gray hair thing, that I already have and quite enjoy.
No, I'm talking about the getting old and senile and losing control of your bodily functions part. Nobody wants that.
But then sometimes you come across an old person who inspires you and you think... this won't be so bad. If I can age gracefully and live a full life like this person, I'll be happy.

I found the person I want to be when I become elderly...

BOISE, Idaho – Police have arrested a 74-year-old woman who is accused of repeatedly dumping maple syrup, corn syrup, ketchup and mayonnaise into a library book drop in Idaho's capital city. Authorities had previously issued a pair of warrants for Joy Cassidy's arrest earlier this month after she failed to appear in court.

But she turned herself in at the Ada County jail on Monday. Cassidy was originally arrested on June 13.

That's after police say she poured mayonnaise in the library's book drop box that day — and was a person of interest in at least 10 other condiment-related incidents at the Ada Community Library in Boise since May 2009.

Condiment related crimes? That's brilliant!!! I just imagine this old lady going to Sam's Club to buy condiments in bulk. Not because she's cooking for a lot of people...just because she's planning some pranks.

"Let's see... I got two tubs of ketchup. One for the library drop box and one for my neighbor's mailbox. Relish for the electric company's payment box... uh...mayonnaise just in case...that's everything!"

Then the image of her tip toeing up to the drop box with her condiments and pouring them in? Priceless.

Lady, I applaud you. I want to be you. Bravo!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Journal my Tweets, please!

I've always been told to keep a journal. I've started at least a dozen in my life. I've yet to ever fill up a journal though. Typically there are 5...maybe 10 entries. I start writing and my hand gets a cramp and suddenly nothing seems that important.

Then came online journaling. You could just type your journal and print as needed! I just don't have that level of commitment. My life is fairly boring to live, let alone write about.

You're supposed to journal so that your posterity can learn from your life... uh, first of all, I don't have any posterity. Secondly, if they're learning from my life all they need to do is read warning labels. All of them were based on me.

While I may not have the ability to stick to writing in a journal, or the commitment to online journaling... there was something I could commit to. Twitter. All it asks is that I tell it whatever I'm thinking in 140 characters or less. So, consider Twitter my journal for my posterity. Below is my journal, beginning October 20th, 2008 to present. It's actually quite frightening when you read them individually. There's a few gems in there, but I'd say 97% of them don't make sense out of context. Or in context. If I could even remember what it was. But...here you go, Posterity... here is 20 months of my life, summed up in Tweets.


is going to join the CIA, for all of the on-the-job perks!

says we're all friends. On the surface, where it counts.

wonders why you sentence someone to life in prison PLUS 25 years. Can you really enforce the PLUS part?

have seen a lot of people who are dressed up as ugly people with bad hair for Halloween...interesting...

says the sunset is so pretty and it's PINK just for me!!! Thanks for making life pretty for me, nature! F

says we always had a choice. We could shoot her and bury her body in the woods. That's a choice!

is engaged in an all-in, high-stakes game of war with her body. There can only be ONE winner. Spoiler alert: I'm not winning.

wonders why "flaky" is such a bad quality in a date, but such a good quality in a crust.

is in the market for a glass eye... preferably green. If you know of a good deal on one, just let me know!

...confidence: it's the food of the wise man, but the liquor of the fool.

thinks group therapy would be a great way to meet guys...you know I love me some crazies!

's horoscope today reads: "Think with your head, not with your genitals."

says trust me, you do not want to work in outer space. Nope. You just spend your whole day chasing floating poop.

got hit on by airport security. Surprised he didn't frisk me. He said he's hoping to see me when I return.

thinks 'Kenny Chesney' and 'Greatest Hits' is an oxymoron. The album must be blank.
just watched a dog run into a guy on a bike and knock him over...off his bike, into the sprinklers. Made my day.

is considering a career as a "phone actress." Hours are great, pay is good, don't have to do much. Perfect!

says...the problem with 'speculation' is that you make a 'spec' out of 'u' and some guy named 'lation.'

is visiting Arizona and now an hour behind. Can anyone from my time zone tell me what happens in the future?

just spent 5 minutes searching frantically for her cell phone. Found it. Put it in my bra hours ago. D'oh! Look in bra first next time!

is inviting everyone to her "good, old fashioned find the smell" par-tay! Everyone is invited, winner gets to throw away stinky object.

thinks that if your fiance is better looking than you, he's gay. It's a classic symptom of 'fruit blindness.'

thinks that deciding to recycle as an old person is like deathbed repentance. The damage is already done!

...as tempting as his offer for nefarious activities might be, somehow the mullet made the decision for me.

wonders if you wanna be killed with her, or when you're out looking for her? We're all dead, no way out.

really needs to learn how to hotwire a car. It's a good skill to have. You know... Just in case.

hopes Madoff enjoys his 150 years in prison. I think anything after 100 will be a breeze! You can do it Madoff!

thinks playing dead is a really risky tactic.

is finalizing her plans to move to Alaska, get a pink boat and name it 'Ice Princess' and star on Deadliest Catch!

is it just me, or is 'DEBBIE DOES FREIGHT' a really bad name for a reputable business?

how dare you call me a racist? A homophobe? Maybe. Distrustful of Spaniards? Who isn't? But nobody calls me a racist!

Just saw a man with a beard, in a skirt and lacy top with boobs. Come on. Pick a gender.

Why must the inside of my car feel like Satan's lair?

You say potato, I say vodka.

will not have this argument with you again. You are not now, nor will you ever be, a fish.

is wondering if it's possible to find a date by Twitter alone.

Thinks man on moped = douche.

Yes, I have a life. I have tivo.

is going to open a new restaurant, Tamale: China Bistro.

What is with Whoopi Goldberg's weird sunglasses that she's always wearing on the end of her nose?

...promise me, if we're both single in 29 years...we'll kill one another.

Do bank employees think glasses make them look smart? It doesn't.

is so grateful for this energizing deodorant... There's no end to what I can accomplish now!

would love to carpool with you but I see you're taking Douchemeister Lane and I'm not going that direction.

has such a hard time knowing if she's being hit on or not. Especially when it's by a woman.

is nothing without the interweb.

thinks everything in Mexico is a dollar because they're having a going out of country sale.

always wants Ihop in the middle of the night. "Welcome to Ihop, how may I hop you?"

has touched fives of tens of people with her amazing personality.

wonders if going out for Slurpees at 3am is a bad idea.

just learned there's a tornado simulator at the mall. This seems retarded.

will just go ahead and sleep in while you do the Ironman Triathalon...

doesn't understand her lack of fame.

thinks you never forget how to laugh...unless you've suffered brain damage.

wonders if it's wrong to spy on someone if you know you won't get caught?

hasn't been keeping exact scores, but I'm pretty sure I won.

is going to be so angry when her mood elevators wear off.

wonders how it can be eleven and I haven't gotten any texts? That's unpossible! Phone must be broken.

says it's an illusion. A trick is what a whore does for money.

is sorry I'm late, but I wanted to miss most of this occasion.

wants to make a difference in someone's life. Good or bad. I could go either way on this one.

knows right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.

has a serious case of "you don't appear to want me as much so now I want you more-itis"

thinks there is a big difference between Muslim and muslin. And when one is used when the other is intended...it's hilarious.

is going to have to start drinking 5 hour Energy every 3 hours for it to remain effective, me thinks.

is going to have really curled up toes when she's old.

loves that a guy just asked her if her eyes were real. Hmmm. Nope, glass.

... Dear Universe, I despise you. Love, Lisa Marcell

thinks microwaves are of the devil. It's the only reasonable explanation.

thinks if you're being quoted on a murder investigation you shouldn't use the word "Friggin'!"

‘s day started out with a spider attack. I don't think it's going to get any better, either.

thinks it's absurd that it's 2010 but we can't get a decent looking fax!?!

thinks it's time to get her life in order...ish.

has never seen an Asian with a big ding-a-ling. Must not exist.

thinks when you join a suicide pact, you should be sure of the other person's mental status and timetable expectations.

says: if slapping you is wrong, I don't want to be right.

wants to thank you for giving weight to my argument that all men are inherent dillholes.

says if you're driving the "I want to get in their pants" truck, it has a lot of blind spots.

wants you to calm down. It was a victimless crime. Like public indecency.

has just been upgraded to a king size bed, jacuzzi tub, presidential suite in hell. Woot Woot!

this just in... Your tongue is fat too!

this might be my bad mood talking... but I kind of wish you were dead.

Rue McLanahan is gone...the Golden Girls' section in Heaven's cocktail bar is getting crowded! Stay strong Betty White! You're my last GG!

wants to know what happened to tennis socks with pom poms on the back? There ain't nothin' wrong with those!

opened the cabinet and glasses flew out at me. Is someone trying to kill me? If so, why aren't they better at it?

loves that our local news continues to prove why it's only local.

doesn't have the commitment to be a serial killer.

thinks there's regret, like I shouldn't have eaten so much cheese. And then there's REGRET.

s looking for her cyanide capsule. Have you seen it? Oh, there it is. Wait...that's a tic tac.

's fortune cookie: "You will not sucks forever."

owes so much to the massive chip on her shoulder.

has a real fear of suffocation by her own boobs. It could happen.

thinks real men carry a knife on their belt... But then again, serial killers probably do too.

says everyone knows that the first step towards recovery is narcissistic and vaguely hostile paranoia.

's twitter cycle: Tweet, tweet, tweet again, tweet more, tweet worse, stop tweeting, regret tweets, swear never to tweet again. Wait. Tweet. Repeat.

may have exaggerated her interest in you by implying she had any at all.

thinks the road to hell looks just like a Walmart parking lot.

...uh, Mr. Emo cashier? Your fly is down. Not so apathetic now, are you?

looks sooooo pretty in denial.

would be more outdoorsey if they didn't keep the bugs and dirt out there.

thinks that as far as personality glitches go, killing his last girlfriend is a pretty big one. It may possibly be a red flag.

thinks if there is such a thing as reincarnation, I was never Japanese. None of that crap is ringing a bell.

wonders why people are always saying that alcohol doesn't solve your problems. Neither does milk, but we're sure gulping that down.

says, "You're welcome, America!" For everything I am and will be. You are welcome.

just came up with a new reality show called "You done me wrong!" It's going to be a runaway hit...if anyone ever produces it...

is a professional comedian, if you don't count the fact that I don't get paid for it.

thinks commas make all the difference. "Don't drive stupid!" OR "Don't drive, stupid!" I prefer the latter.

believes in love at first sight. So much so that I don't even look homeless men in the eye. Can't risk it.

has settled on a career path! Dramatization Actress.

wonders how long I would be on hold if my call WASN'T important to them?

tells herself she's deplorable. My self seems unconcerned with that.

would make a terrible optimist.

heard hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anyone who "rested to death"?

........Well, there's my journal, posterity. 20 months of my life, summed up in Tweets. I can't help but think my life has been wasted....and if you read all of those, I wasted your life too. You're welcome!