Monday, June 29, 2009

What is this world coming to?

I fully support laziness. In fact, it may surprise some of you to know that I, myself, am lazy.
Oh, who am I kidding? If you know me at know I adhere to the lazy code of ethics and try to do as little as possible. The fact that I even blog puts me in direct violation of my exertion level for the week. I have to counteract it by doing even less in other areas of my life. Family, It has to even out somewhere.

As lazy as I am though...I saw a commercial for a product that really seems unnecessary and perhaps explains why other countries despise us.

Yes,'s the 'Shake and Pour Bisquick.'
I love fresh pancakes and sometimes wish I didn't have to go to iHop to get them! But making pancakes has always been such a hassle. When I try to make them at's a disaster. How much milk do I add? Do I even have a clean bowl to mix it in? And...I have to whisk it? Are you kidding me? I don't want fresh butter...I just want a pancake! I'm not whisking my breakfast! I don't have time for this!
How many times have your kids asked for pancakes and all you could think is... if only there was a way to just shake the batter and pour it...skip all the middle steps! If only...
Well, readers...all your problems are solved. Add liquid, shake and then pour your pancake perfection! No confusing measuring, no messy bowls, no clean-up!

Yeah...I see why other countries hate Americans. I wish they had a shake and pour cake mix...

Saturday, June 27, 2009

When Infomercials help the world

Readers... I love infomercials, we know this. I don't share all of the infomercials I watch and know and love....but occasionally, I have to bring a product to your attention. You're going to be so glad I did. At about 3:47 this morning I saw an infomercial that changed me. I rewound it over and over and over again and it never grew old. Please watch the clip below.

No, this isn't a joke. This is an actual product that is sold online. I was so intrigued by this product that I went to their website. It did not disappoint!
They offer a step by step instruction guide, with photos of how to use the Uro Club...

Step 1: Unscrew the UroClub’s triple seal, leak proof cap.

Step 2: Clip the privacy towel to the UroClub and your belt or waist band.

Step 3: Discreetly relieve yourself and then get back into the game! Is it me or does this look like he's doing something far worse than urinating??? I don't think there is anything "discreet" about it.
And who is the inventor? Who do we have to thank for this product? Well, he's a Urologist who took the time to write an intro and post a picture of himself...
This may sound like a joke, but it’s not. I am a Board Certified Urologist, practicing in Florida, a place where Golf is played year round. Every day I hear these same complaints from my patients because they suffer from urinary frequency (a condition that can begin in men, as early as their mid 30’s). Even if you don’t have this problem, let’s face it, there are not too many bathrooms on the golf course.These are the very patients that inspired me to create the UroClub™. A camouflaged portable urinal, designed to be discrete, sanitary and create an air of privacy! It looks like an ordinary golf club and comes equipped with a unique removable golf towel clipped to the shaft that functions as a privacy shield!Imagine, giving the appearance of taking a practice swing, while both privately and confidentially, you are able to relieve yourself without any embarrassment! This can be accomplished easily while standing by the golf cart, as well. Have the confidence to drink whatever you wish during your game and not worry if you’ll make it to the clubhouse in time!
Thank you Doctor. Thank you so much. I love that I live in America....where every dream has a chance.

Monday, June 22, 2009


Hey readers... today I bring you a blog of a sensitive nature...

I have a "friend" named Shmisa* who takes anti-depressant pills. Recently, when refilling her prescription, Shmisa* noticed that there was a new sticker on the bottle.
It read: "These are the same pills you've received in the past, although colors and sizes may have changed."

It is a really good thing they put that on the "crazy" meds. Can you imagine someone taking their anti-psychotics and suddenly they are yellow instead of blue? Talk about confirming their paranoia! Everyone is out to get them...even the pharmacist is in on it! Before long they start listening to the voices, stalking Simon Cowell again and setting fires all over town.

All I can's a good thing for Simon and for Shmisa* that they warn the crazies that the look of their pills may have changed.

While we're on the subject of anti-depressants... why do they have to be so negative? Why can't they call them Pro-Happy pills instead? The word 'anti' never makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Personally, I feel all rebellious-and-underground-fight-against-the-man-ish. It just puts a negative spin on it.

I think a lot of people would be less judgmental about them if we called them Pro-Happy pills! I know I would. I would stop calling Shmisa* names like "crazy" or "psycho" or "tard."
Okay, maybe it wouldn't affect the last name. But, still, it would help.

*Names have been changed so as not to embarrass the author.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

This Just In: Line jumper

Okay, I hate lines as much as the next person. I really do. I will do almost anything (including abandoning a shopping cart full of stuff) just so I don't have to stand in line. I may even yell "he's got a gun! Everybody run!" just to get people out of the line so I have to wait less. That plan usually backfires as the cashier might run too. But, desperate times people...desperate times.

As much as I hate lines... this lady took things too far....

A woman who just graduated from college in Ohio says she was afraid her big day was going to turn into a blessed event. Expectant mother Dawn Thompson Ester thought she had gone into labor during Friday's commencement at Columbus State University. So, she was moved up from No. 749 in the order for receiving degrees to first place in line.

Ester got her diploma and then rushed off the stage with one hand clutching the document and the other on her swollen belly. A medic with a stretcher was waiting to take her to the hospital.

But it turned out the pains were just a false alarm, and the hospital sent her home.

We all hate lines. And we all hate graduations. But, come on lady! "False alarm?" She skipped ahead of 748 people. Bravo lady. Bravo. I salute you!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Happy Birthday Mambo!

Today is my mother's birthday! Haaaaaappy birthday! I bring you some of the things I love about my no particular order... (even though they are numbered. )

1. While most mothers would shake their head in confusion and walk away when their child speaks gangsta style...not my Mama! No...she incorporates it into her own, ordinary, everyday speech and befuddles other people her age. Namely, my dad. Case in point...
Dad wakes Mom up too early...Mom turns to him and says, "Why you be frontin'?"
Dad looks at Mom and responds with, "Is this like a stroke thing? Should I call 911?"

2. My Mom has a song for every occasion and every topic of conversation. I'm convinced all of her memory power is being used up by song lyrics from the 60's and 70's. She could win a fortune on Name That Tune, as it pertains to those two decades. Don't believe me? Well....just leave a cake out in the rain or knock three times on the ceiling or have birds suddenly appear every time you are near...she'll have a jingle for ya!

3. Mom believes in her husband and children. She sees the amazing potential in them and wants them to succeed in every way. No matter the trial, she sees that they are capable. And she's always cheering them on.

4. Even though this one is under number's probably the most important one of all. She knows hot to drop it like it's hot and back it up into your bidness.

5. Mom is a wonderful example of what a mother and grandmother should be. She loves fiercely and even when she wants to bonk you upside the head for the mess you're making in your life...she's still there to listen, give counsel and offer her love. (after the requisite bonking of the head)

6. She knows most of the lyrics to "Sexyback" by Justin Timberlake...and it's not uncommon for her to use a high pitch voiced and ask, "you ready???" (for you old timers...that's from Sexyback.)

7. Mom not only teaches me valuable life skills like cooking and whatnot...more importantly, she teaches me life lessons. One of my personal favorites? "Nobody likes a whiner." She's right. They don't.

8. Mom's house always feels warm, welcoming and inviting. No matter the season or has decorated the house to suit it. Personally...I'm way too lazy to redecorate for the occasion...but not my mama! The house is always festive and beautiful.

9. My Mother taught me the dance of our heritage. The sacred 'Rain Dance.' Perhaps it's not our heritage. Perhaps we're not Native American. Nonetheless... she taught me the Rain Dance and chant...and she's not afraid to use it when she needs to get my attention.

10. Mom knows how to laugh. Really, truly laugh. She has taught me how to find humor in life and to enjoy it for what it is. Her laugh is contagious. (In a good way...not like the swine flu way)

I'm so grateful for my mother. When you look at all the people in this's amazing to realize the fullness of Heavenly Father's plan. He sent me to the perfect mother for me...and I could not be more grateful.
I love you Mom!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Lost In Translation

At my place of employment, Hemingworth...or Hemingford, if you believe the advertisements... we frequently deal with other countries for our manufacturing needs. Which can lead to very entertaining emails...

We received the following email today from our Pakistani friends:

Dear Sir,
Hope all is well from your nice end.
We would like to bring your kind attention towards your last Purchase order, of Scissors. I would like to inform you that one year has been passed away to received any news from your nice end.
I hope that you will be ready to place your next order of Scissors and Tweezer.
Wish you all the best & looking to hearing from you shortly.

I don't really think that "nice end" has the same meaning in English and Pakistani... or maybe he does think we have a nice end...


Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Thanks for pimping our product...kind of.

For those of you who don't know... I work for an embroidery supply company called Hemingworth. In the world of embroidery, Hemingworth is a young company with a revolutionary product. As you can imagine...with any new company...getting the word out is extremely important! Imagine our excitement when an embroidery magazine wanted to feature our product! Check out the ad below...

It's bright, it's colorful, shows off our product well. Score! And then I read the text...

Let me remind you of the company's actual name... Hemingworth. Not Hemingford. D'oh!
I guess you get what you pay for. We paid nothing, we got nothing.

Thank you for calling Hemingford, this is Lisa...