Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Clay the Gay???

.... This is going to surprise everyone out there. Hope you're sitting down for this one! I hope you're sitting down for two reasons...
1. This news is SO shocking that you might collapse after reading this news.
2. How weird would it be if you were STANDING by your computer typing away. I know I'd make fun of you if I saw it. For the sake of your own pride, sit down while you're on the 'puter.

You ready?!?!?!? This just in: CLAY AIKEN IS A HOMOSEXUAL.

Surprised? Yeah, me neither. I think maybe only his Grandmother is surprised. Oh, and maybe all of those tweens who voted for her. Uh, I mean him. But, seriously, did you see his hair on his performance last season on American Idol?! He looked like a girl! Not even a girly man...just a girl.
Yup, he's "come out" in the latest issue of People magazine. Clay Aiken says, "Yes, I'm gay." I'm glad we straightened (no pun intended) that out! I bet the month after that the breaking story in People magazine is going to be... Ruben Studdard, "Yes, I'm fat."

Thanks for keeping it real People magazine.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

No shoes, no shirt...here's the drink you ordered!

Here's a tip: Bartending nude can get you arrested.

Sheriff's deputies doing a routine check this week at a southern Illinois bar say they discovered a not-so-routine sight. Authorities allege that 33-year-old Janet Brannon was naked while serving bar patrons at the Cabin Tavern in Delhi (DEL'-ee).
Brannon was arrested and charged with misdemeanor public indecency. She was freed on $8,000 bond.
She was the only bar employee working at the time, so the tavern was closed Thursday.

I don't know...is it that bad? It's not like she was frying hamburgers or anything. That would be considered dangerous!
All I can say is that it gives new meaning to ordering a 'Slippery Nipple' or a 'Fuzzy Navel'!!!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

It's a jungle out there...

For those of you just joining us, I work for a company called Hemingworth. We're revolutionizing the thread world, one spool at a time!***

My place of employment is located in an office building. So, at first glance, you'd assume it's a nice place. Civilized, even. But it isn't. Not by a long shot. It's a scary world in here folks. You've heard about the spider in my office...you've heard about the bat...and those two things alone seem like enough to evacuate the premises. At least, I think so. The fire/police departments didn't agree when I called them and told them the area needed to be evacuated.

Fire Chief: "What is your emergency?"
Me: "I'll get to that in a minute. Do you have any really hot, I mean H-O-T hot, single firemen?"
Fire Chief: "Mam, is there a fire?"
Me: "No. But..."
.....Dead air.... He hung up.

Police Dispatch "Mam, what is your emergency?"
Me: "This building and the surrounding area need to be evacuated."
Police Dispatch: "Is there a fire?"
Me: "No...but..."
Police Dispatch: "Is there a bomb?"
Me: "Not that I know of, but I wouldn't be surprised."
Police Dispatch: "Mam, what is the emergency?"
Me: "We have a spider infestation as well as a killer bat that's after us."
Police Dispatch: "Mam, you are an idiot and you're wasting my time. If you continue to call us everyday with this same story, you will have charges placed against you. Do not call this number again. Even if there is a fire or a bomb. We'd prefer you be blown up or burned to death. Never call here again. Do you understand me?"
Me: "No, I don't understand you. No speaka english."
.......dead air..........

Obviously, there isn't anywhere I can turn for help. I'm on my own. 'Protect and Serve'??? I think not.

After the spider and bat problem we had a stinkbug. That's right folks, a stinkbug. And a more aptly named bug, there never has been. I don't know that I've ever had the misfortune of dealing with a stinkbug before. Did you know that it actually stinks? Yeah, I didn't know either. But it does. Knowing that I couldn't receive help from the proper authorities, I was forced to eliminate the threat on my own. And I did. And it stunk up the whole office, which is apparently what stinkbugs do. I evacuated our office. Thanks for nothing police! I got this one on my own. And to think, my tax dollars pay for their salary.

This place is basically a jungle. The next problem was of a different nature...

We have no toilet paper. And this is not the first time. Am I in a refugee camp? Toilet paper seems pretty standard. But, to be fair, I never asked in the job interview if they provided the toilet paper or if I would have to do so on my own. It's my own fault, I guess, for assuming the building would be equipped with toilet paper. I thought it must be part of the initiative to save the environment! I can get behind that! Go green! I was happy to help. So, I just reused toilet paper. But, now we're even out of recycled toilet paper. And let me tell you people...we don't even have any plants around the office to use the foliage for wiping. Nada.

What is a girl supposed to do??? Well, I had a lightbulb moment. Ding! We're a thread company...use the thread! Duh! It takes about 3 spools, unraveled, to really get the job done. But, hey, we're all making sacrifices for the environment! I can do my part! Goooooo Green! Glad to help.

***I think that should be our new slogan... 'Hemingworth. Revolutionizing the world, one spool at a time!' It should be on our website, on our shirts (embroidered on our shirts, of course), it should be on our mugs (that we don't have as of yet), and I think it should be tattooed on our bosses. I truly am a marketing genius here, folks. Who could forget the brilliant slogan for Ihop... "Thank you for calling Ihop, how may I hop you?" Brilliant. Truly brilliant. Obviously, I have a gift. Some people (mostly me) have gone as far as calling me a marketing genius, and I can't deny it. And after reading this, I know you can't deny it either.

Thursday, September 11, 2008



Today is nine eleven. 9/11. It's amazing how one day can change everything. It's been seven years and in so many ways it seems as though time stands still today and I am right back to that morning. That fateful morning. I still remember what I was doing, what I was wearing, where I was when I heard the news. At first I thought, as did everyone else, that it was an accident. But it wasn't long before it was realized that this was no accident. It was an intentional hit against America.
I couldn't wrap my head around that. I've never hated something or someone or someplace enough to kill one innocent person, let alone thousands of innocent bystanders. I can't fathom that. I don't think most of us can. Which, is a good thing, I suppose. I'm really reticent to believe that so many people are filled with a hatred that intense.
More than the small details of remembering what I was doing, where I was or what I was wearing, I remember my feelings. I remember being scared, being shell-shocked and more than anything, I remember feeling an overwhelming ache. I ached for the families that lost the ones closest to them. For so long, one of my biggest fears has been losing a parent or losing a sibling. I don't know how I would deal with it, or even IF I could deal with it. I thought of those families whose loved ones were on the planes. What terror did they experience in their last hour? How much did they know? I prayed that they lived in ignorance for as long as they could on that flight. Hoping, wishing that they lived with the terror for the smallest timeframe possible. I ached for the families that had a loved one in The World Trade Center. Knowing your loved one was in a building that got attacked, but still having a small bit of hope that they would be one of the few survivors. I imagine I would have been among those racing all over town, to every hospital, every clinic, every medical facility I could find, just trying to find some shred of proof that my loved one was among the survivors. I imagine that I would be among those who pray as they are running to find their loved ones, one of those who are making deals inside their head with God... willing to give up anything, promise anything, if only I found my loved one alive. I imagine that would have been me. Refusing to believe I actually lost one of the people I hold dearest. Racing to believe it wasn't possible. That somehow, my life came away unscathed. That would've been me.

Instead, I watch it unfold on a television, from a distance. I watch in disbelief, in sorrow and in anger as people I don't even know are hurting. I don't know them, I've never met them, and yet I cry with them. Because I imagine, just for a moment, that it could have been any one of us that were affected by this terror. By these terrorists.
Any one of us could have lost someone we love. But I didn't. Because I didn't live or work in that geographical location. Because I wasn't on one of those planes. Because of small, yet astronomical details in our lives we have either walked away unharmed or we had our lives forever ripped apart from tragedy.

Have any of us really walked away unscathed? I don't in any way mean to compare what I feel to those who actually lived it. I could never pretend that I know what they are feeling. But, did it change me? Yes. Most definitely, yes.
I realized that we weren't invincible here in America. I realized that we still had to fight for our Freedom. In my life, I have read textbooks of our forefathers fighting to separate us from Britain. I read of the civil war. I read of wars fought on foreign soils. I watched movies that portrayed these events. I watched them and I considered them informative, yes, but also I considered them entertainment. Because I had never lived it. I had never seen anything like it. I was born a child of the 80's. My tumultuous childhood? Crimped hair, hyper-color shirts and a rhinestone-studded denim craze. I didn't grow up in the depression. I didn't live through the Vietnam War. I didn't fight for our freedom as one of the original 13 colonies. I didn't watch one of our states get attacked as Pearl Harbor was taken down. I just reaped the benefits of all of the battles fought before me.

After 9/11 I realized that those battles still have to be fought. That America will only remain the land of the privileged and the land of the free if we are willing to stand up and fight. And, most importantly, if we don't forget.

I hope, that on this day, there are others just like me. Others who did not lose a loved one that day, but who were forever changed by what they felt.
My heart goes out to the families who lost so much that day. And to those families who have lost loved ones in the battle that followed. And for the families who will lose someone in the continuing battle. This is our history we're living, and someday, I hope my grandchildren are proud of how we've created it. But, more importantly, I hope they read of wars in a textbook, live in the land of the free and never have to see hatred of this level in their lives. That is my hope. WE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER THOSE LOST.

Monday, September 8, 2008

The couple who....

I've always heard that the more you have in common with your significant other, the more likely you are to stay together. You've all heard the sayings...

'The couple who plays together, stays together.'

'The couple who snorts crack together, stays together.' Or...whatever the saying is.

You know the sayings...we've all heard them.

And the one I am addressing today?

'The couple who exercises together, stays together.'

I was driving down the road and I saw a cute couple, in their golden years, walking in the morning sun. And I thought, I guess it's true what they say. The couple who exercises together, stays together. And then I saw that they stopped and since my windows were rolled down I also heard them yelling at one another. I could only catch yelling and then I heard the husband say, "FINE, see you at home!" He then crossed the street and proceeded with his morning walk. She stayed on the opposite side of the street from him.... and they continued to walk at about the same pace and heading in the same direction...but on different sides of the road.

And I can't help but think that this fight wouldn't have happened if they had just stayed at home in the first place.

Moral of the story: stay home, don't exercise.

"The couple who has outside interests and hobbies stay together instead of yelling at one another on a morning run."

Learn from this couple in their golden years...quit exercising now. It could save your marriage.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Complete Mystery...

Here's the thing...

I can't stand Kiefer Sutherland. I think he's icky. He seems like a tiny little man. And he crosses his legs like a girl. I've only ever seen him in one movie and he played an evil rapist. He smokes. And I am pretty darn sure he's gay, which isn't going to work for me. (see picture above as proof) Not looking good for The Kiefer. I don't find him sexy at all. I find him pretty skeazy, actually.

What's the mystery, you may be asking???

I LOVE JACK BAUER. Some may argue that Sutherland plays Bauer. But I am willing to stake my life on the fact that Bauer plays Sutherland.

Jack Bauer is one of the finest actors around. In his normal work day he saves the world, with very little help from others. In his downtime, he plays this actor Kiefer Sutherland. And, if I didn't know better...I'd almost think Sutherland was a real person. Luckily, I know better.


Kiefer= not a real person, skeazy and has horrible fashion sense.

Jack= saves the world over and over, sexy as can be, pretends to be Kiefer in his downtime, totes a gun around but still manages to have tender moments and look reeeeeally hot doing it!