Saturday, January 1, 2011

New Year's Resolutions 2011

Haaaaaaaaaaappy New Year! It's 2011! And with this new day, this new dawn, this new year... it's time for me to realign my priorities and resolve to better myself. 2010 was a big year for me, (as you may remember, I got a new TiVo) and I also kept all of my New Year's Resolutions. Mainly because I didn't have any. There are a few things this year that I'd like to work on. Since it is 2011, I have 11 goals. I really miss the days when it was 2001....

In no particular are my goals for 2011...

1. Turn 30. If all goes as planned, I've got this one in the bag. All I have to do is elude serial killers and major accidents until February 11th. *crossing my fingers*

2. Die on February 11th. Imagine the symmetry of 2/11/1981 to 2/11/2011. Beautiful.

3. I will strive to remember to brush my teeth with the bristly end of the toothbrush.

4. I won't waste my talents.
Never again will I run in and try to diffuse an explosive device with the bomb squad. They don't appreciate it.

5. I will at least do a cursory search for toilet paper in restrooms before making a twosie.

6. Draw up a list of people who wronged me in 2010. Plot revenge. You know who you are.

7. Be a part of a flash mob.

8. Write, produce and star in my infomercial for my new invention of a DVD Rewinder.

9. Think before I act. i.e. I'll stop saying, "Oooh that feels nice!" when TSA searches me. And I'll stop eating medicine just because it looks like candy.

10. Start my own business by ordering that kit for "mail fraud" that I saw online.

11. Fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming a reenactor. Not an historical reenactor. But a reenactor for dramatizations of true crimes. If there is one person who can over-act and then lay dead on the ground for's me. I love laying there doing nothing.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed my New Year's Resolutions and I hope you've challenged yourself this year as well!