Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I'd like my politics (and my bagel) with a little shmeer please!

Election year is upon us! Although I have a previous post about my own political views (Jack Bauer '08) I recently came across some information* that I think my readers have a right to know when deciding who to vote for.

For all you John McCain supporters out there, the biggest thing you should be aware of is that he eats babies. I didn't believe it when Brandon first told me, but it must be true. If you go to google and type in "John McCain eats babies" it brings up tons of totally reputable search results. If you find it in google, then it is completely true! I'm sure you already know that. So, obviously, I can't vote for John McCain.

That leaves us with Obama. Yes, his middle name is Hussein and sure...that seems suspicious, but I doubt it means anything really. I also remember hearing silly people call him 'Obama BinLaden' and I would giggle because clearly people are making something out of nothing! So what if it rhymes with Osama? Lisa rhymes with doesn't mean I lean to one side! Or does it...?
Like I said, I thought this Obama BinLaden garbage was just silly. Until he announced his running mate! Biden. Biden? That name looks familiar...B...I....D....E...N....hmm, what's missing....??? Bi(nla)den! Aha! There it is...BInlaDEN. Binladen. Biden+nla= Binladen! Sure, if it was just Obama rhyming with Osama or just Biden being 3 letters away from Binladen...we might be able to blow this off, but both of them? Clearly the terrorists are trying to take over the country. And, honestly, I think they are in danger of pulling off the biggest coup de grace in history! It's the Trojan Horse and in the future they will read history books wondering how in the world we fell for it... Bravo, Obama Hussein Bi(nla)den, Bravo!
Obviously we can't vote for Obama either.

Who does this leave? Ralph Nader. Nobody can find anything bad on this guy. Who as his running mate? Ross Perot, of course! They are the safe bet! I can't vote for a baby eating fool or the terrorists!

Write in Nader/Perot for '08! Give our country a chance!

*By "Information" I mean silly rumors and accusations brought on by the shmeer tactic in politics...

Monday, August 25, 2008

Piddy Puff Puff will pop a cap in his A!!!

Deputy Pulls Gun During Stop of Diddy's Entourage

A sheriff's deputy pulled a gun on members of Diddy's entourage during a routine traffic stop over the weekend, but the situation was quickly resolved and a spokesman for the entertainer said the deputy was professional and respectful.
The gun was never pointed at the hip-hop mogul, and deputies were "very respectful" during the stop early Saturday, spokesman Ed Tagliaferri said Monday.
Diddy was traveling on Sunset Boulevard in a seven-car convoy when a deputy pulled over one of the vehicles. Combs was not in the car that was stopped for having an expired registration tag.
Sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore says the deputy became concerned when several men approached the vehicle. The deputy unholstered his gun and the situation quickly cooled down.
No citations were issued because the car was a rental.

They can say what they want... "the situation was quickly resolved..." blah, blah, blah! I don't buy it! They may have done that for appearances, but you don't dis Piddy Puff Puff! Aka: Puff Daddy. That Sheriff better watch his back. Someone will pop a cap in his A if he's not careful. I don't know if it will be Sean "Puffy" Combs, P. Diddy, Puff Daddy or Piddy Puff Puff...but someone is going to take him out!

Friday, August 22, 2008

Spider Assassination Attempt...again.

As mentioned in the 'Bat' blog entry, here is the spider story from work...

There are key players in this blog entry and they are as follows:

Lisa- Victim
Amber- Laughing bystander
Ali- Evil Spider Lady
Bruce- Villain masquerading as a hero

So the story begins...

It was just another day in paradise at the local embroidery company, everyone working diligently, and business humming along. Lisa was sitting at her desk when suddenly Ali came up behind her and placed an empty box on Lisa's head. Silly little prank...harmless, so she thought...until Lisa noticed that there was a SPIDER in the "empty" box! Lisa immediately grabbed the box off of her head and threw it against the wall....and ran across the hall to Bruce/Amber's office...

Lisa pulled herself together and told Bruce in a calm, rational, grown-up manner that there was a spider in her office and would he please have a look when he got a moment? Thanks so much................

Okay, who am I kidding??? We all know I ran across the hall in a panic. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak, all I could really get out was... "'s going to kill me...please...." Then I passed out and had to be revived with smelling salts. What did Amber do? Laugh at me the whole time.

Bruce, being the "hero" at this moment in time, went across the hall and appeared to diligently search for the spider. He was being my hero! My rescuer! He fulfilled his blue* duties very well.
Looking back on it...after his later behavior, I think he just went into my office and sat there for a while. I doubt he actually looked for the spider at all!

But, at the time, I had no way of knowing of the evil lurking inside him. I thought was just being an amazingly helpful man and that he was trying to solve my problem. Not true. But I didn't know any better.
Bruce came back across the hall and told me he had looked, but to no avail. The spider had disappeared.**

I spend the next 20 minutes in the other office trying to make myself believe that the spider wasn't just laying in wait in my office...waiting to kill me. I convinced myself I was just being silly and that I should go right back to my office and act like a grown up!!! So, I hesitantly and timidly walked back to my office...on the look out the whole time...I looked on my chair, my desk, the walls, the spider...Bruce is's gone...I need to just calm down.

And then all of my fears were confirmed. I was right all along. It was just waiting to destroy me!!! It was waiting UNDER MY IPOD!!!!!!!!!! How dare it?!

Here is a victory for me: I smashed the little beastard! I killed it! I felt good about what I had done and wanted to share my victory with someone that I thought was a helpful hero... but, no, he isn't. I went and told Bruce and he reminded me that there were more spiders where that one came from. Also, he felt the need to torment me the rest of the day by telling me how spiders will drop from the air vents and ceilings to attack me, so I wouldn't be safe anywhere.
What a gem, eh? He's from the devil, obviously.

For now, I survived another spider assassination attempt. I should be on that TLC tv show called, "I shouldn't be alive!" And I can tell my harrowing tales of my near death experiences with these spiders. I truly am a miracle. I'll be signing autographs later.***

* Blue refers to the duties I believe men should do. Locate and kill all insects and rodents. Diagnose my car troubles based on the noises I recreate for you, even via the phone. Know the answer to any question, on any subject.

**For future reference: if you can not locate the errant insect/rodent, you must do your best to make me believe you found it, killed it and have warned away any of it's friends. Under no circumstances should you come back without having eradicated the before mentioned rodent/insect.

*** For a nominal fee. (and by "nominal fee" I really mean "for a great, big, fat fee.")

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I do not have time to become a bat!

So, we have a new visitor at work. Believe me, if it had been up to me, I wouldn't have given him a visitor's badge. But I'm not in charge of's here to stay. Security is a joke in this office.

We've already had infestation problems at work. A spider that was trying to kill me (more on that later, in a separate blog entry), a beetle that was trying to kill Ali (I think she had it coming to her...she dis-invited it to her party after they had a fight, for crying out loud!) and now a bat!
The spiders have obviously called in their reinforcements. Realizing they were unable to kill me at home...they tried at work. And when that failed, they are now sending in the bats. To kill me, obviously.
I am holding up amazingly well, all things considered.

How it started:
Bruce came into my office and told me we have a bat. Well, Bruce is a trickster and also enjoys tormenting me about spiders, so I figured he was just upping his torture game to a whole new level. Now he's including bats along with spider stories! Turns out there really is a bat...

The girly reactions in our office...

Me: Are you kidding me with this Bruce? No, really, are you serious? This isn't funny. Bruce, this really isn't funny, are you kidding me? It's probably a vampire bat!
(Bruce's response to that was that it probably IS a vampire bat and that it followed me here because it recognized it's leader. Rude! I don't know if he was referring to my fang-ish teeth, my pale skin/dark hair combo or the fact that I drink blood. We may never know because I killed Bruce and drank his blood to punish him for his comment.)

Ali: Eeeeeeewwww!!! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Bat, bat, bat, eeeeeeee!!!! Run for your lives!

Amber: Awww, I think it's kinda cute. I want to see it's wings.

I told our warehouse guy, Ben about the bat. His response? "Hmmm."
(Apparently he wasn't impressed with our bat. I can't really blame him.)

So time goes on and someone decides to spray the bat with an air can. It wasn't me. I would never! I'm insulted that you would even ask me if it was me! Unbelievable!
The same person threw a rock at the bat...

The bat never spread it's wings and attacked. It's just still sitting in the same position that it was when the picture (above) was taken. Personally, I know it's just biding it's time...till it can attack.

I can't afford to have rabies right now. Not again.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Yes, I'm sure!

You wanna know what really piffs me off? When someone asks me if I'm sure about doing something I am already in the process of doing. You know what bothers me more? When a computer asks me if I'm sure! Yes, I'm sure!

I'm deleting a file...and it wants to know if I'm sure. Well, yeah, kinda. I wouldn't have pressed the "delete a file" button if really I was looking to press the 'my computer is retarded' button instead.

When would an "are you sure you want to perform this action?" button come in handy???

"Are you sure you would like to launch a nuclear attack?"

"Are you sure you want to drink that much tequila?"

"Do you really think that those neon yellow pants are slimming?"

"Would dancing around on the table at a work Christmas party with nothing but a bra, panties and your boss' tie around your head be a good idea?"

Things like that would be useful in life. But, "are you sure you want to delete this file?"....not helpful.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008


Sweet? lovable? Innocent?

I think not!

What am I speaking of? Children, of course! They pretend, they play a good game. But I see through their charade. They are bandits, robbers, thieves...

Every summer I go through this. I'm minding my own business, driving home (or to the store, or to work, or to the liquor get the point...I was driving, minding my own business) when suddenly one of these little pipsqueaks step out from their sidewalk holding a sign, "lemonade for sell!"

Some of them even go so far as to say, "lemonade for sell, please stop or I will not be able to feed my family tonight!"

Okay, maybe they don't say that, but they might as well. I feel guilty all the same. And I am always compelled to stop. I can't help myself. I must stop. I never drink the lemonade. No way. You never know what those devious little creatures put in the lemonade. Maybe an addictive I come back again and again and pay 12 times the actual cost of the lemonade.

These evil genius tykes are amazing. And I am an enabler. I stop every time and pay a ridiculous price for a cup of lemonade and then pour it out as soon as I am out of sight.

These kids are never gonna learn to go get a real job. You know who they grow up to be? The bums on the side of the road with signs asking for help/money/food...but they don't even offer jacked up lemonade anymore! They offer nothing in return for the money you give them...those lemonade stand kids grow up and figure out how to bamboozle you out of money without offering anything in return! They are good...and I am a foolish enabler...

They are bandits! For your own safety, watch out! It's a dangerous world.

Friday, August 8, 2008


August 8th, 2008 or... 8/8/8

Wow, won't happen for another thousand years. And at that point I will be a cyborg, so it won't be nearly as exciting.

My goal for 8-8-8.... I wanted to either have a baby on this day or to marry on this day.

They have both fallen through, unfortch.

Last night it occurred to me (my mom pointed it out, actually) that it might be difficult for me to have a baby today, not being pregnant and all. And I guess she's right. Which means that on 8-8-8 I will not be having a baby. I guess I will have to settle for stealing a baby. I know someone who works in the mother/baby unit at the hospital. Hopefully she can help! *wink, wink*

As for the wedding....well, I'm not dating anyone special. So, I'm going to have to go with a stranger or someone completely wrong for me. It's the only way. I am still accepting applications, but we will have to leave soon if we want to get to Vegas on time.
What I'm really hoping for is that I meet Prince Charming in the next few hours so we can head on down to Vegas and marry on 8-8-8! And I would imagine our marriage would least a day or so.

I've always wanted a quickie Vegas wedding. If you know anyone...send them my way!

I can't believe I'm going to have a husband and a stolen baby all in one day!

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Mystery of the Latinas

I think it's pretty obvious that I've always connected to my Latina Sisters. Deeply. I've even been mistaken as a Latina. It's no doubt due to my dark coloring.

About a year ago I started receiving 'Latina' magazine in the mail. I was confused, not because I didn't love it (who wouldn't?) but because I didn't know why I was receiving it. I hadn't requested it, I hadn't subscribed and I hadn't paid for it. I thought maybe it was just a free sample so they could try and get me hooked into all things Latina!

It came the next month too. And the month after that. And it kept coming.

Realizing it had to be a subscription service, I decided someone was sending it to me as a joke! I figured out who it must be. Who else? Brandon! Had to be. No other explanation. I didn't mention that I was on to him because that would ruin the fun.

Instead, I retaliated by sending him a bazillion catalogs he wouldn't want. Paula Young's Wig collection, Victoria's Secret, one about shoes for old people...
(actually, the last one might be helpful, he is getting on in years)

I figured, tit for tat! Suck on that Brandon! I showed him!

Cut to...a year later. I receive a notice in the mail that my subscription to Latina is ending and the pricing terms for renewing my subscription. I giggled when I thought about how Brandon sent this to me to be cruel and I retaliated by sending him at least 10 catalogs/magazines to be even more cruel than he thought about being.

Good times. Such a great friendship.

I mention to him a few nights later that my subscription is ending and that I hope he enjoyed his own retaliation magazines! Turns out... he knows nothing about the Latina magazine. He didn't do it. He said he would have done it if he had thought of it because he thinks it was brilliant.

And suddenly...I feel ashamed of the fact that I punished him severely for something he didn't even do. Bad Lisa!

Then I giggled and decided that if he didn't expect and appreciate that kind of collateral damage from our friendship...he would've bailed a long time ago!

So, my time with Latina magazine is coming to a close. It has been a great year, Latinas. I've learned mucho from you! Gracias!

(For those of you who don't get Latina magazine, 'Gracias' is 'Thank You' in spanish)