Thursday, November 8, 2007

Life as we know over.

It's here. The day we've all been dreading. The stuff nightmares are made of. The end of the world as we know it. We made it through the t.v. Summertime Blues! We thought we were in the clear until next Spring when our shows go on hiatus. That is not the case.

The unthinkable has happened folks. It's time to think it. Think the unthinkable...The Hollywood writers have gone on strike.

Even as I write this I am in a fetal position rocking back and forth on the floor whimpering. That should show the level of commitment I have to this blog and MY fans. I would never go on strike. I know the people rely on me getting them regular blog entries. No matter how much I may want more money for my blog entries...I would never strike.
Those poo-poo heads in Hollywood have gone mad with power. Granted, they hold all the power. I can't enjoy my shows if they don't write them. Boo. Those whores.

Definition of Strike:
1. To hit sharply
2. To inflict a blow
3. Destroy Lisa's life

I can attest to all three. Woe is me. Woe is all of us. Without TV we are left to entertain ourselves. Like that's a good idea? Me thinks not. When I had TV I didn't HAVE to think. Now I do. And I don't think it's a good idea for us to have to entertain ourselves. Or for me to have to think.

Do you know what people did before we had TV? I do. Let me tell you. They invented things. Things they could use to entertain themselves so they didn't HAVE to think and invent things.

Cavemen drew on rocks and caves (doi, they were cavemen) so that they could later stare at these pictures to entertain themselves. (it was a very crude depiction of what we now know as a TV. They weren't the smartest Neanderthals around.)

The early Native American Indians made feather headdresses to wear so they could entertain the person across from them with the pretty colors. One person would wear the pretty hat while all the others would partake of some peyote. Suddenly all the pretty colors were a blur and the hat made funny noises. The more peyote they ingested, the better the Feather-Headdress-TV worked.

In 1876 Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. Why did he invent it? So he could call other people to ask them to come over and entertain him so he didn't have to do it himself anymore. Like he wanted to sit around inventing more crap so he could entertain himself? No! He used his invention to STOP having to sit around and think and entertain himself.

People get DESPERATE for entertainment. In 1897 this one sicko, James Henry Atkinson, invented something called "The Little Nipper" for entertainment purposes only. It was a mousetrap. He was so desperate for entertainment that he invented a contraption to catch mice so he could watch them die. He's a sicko. But I understand the desperation. This was, obviously, before TV. We would never resort to that crap if we have TV to entertain us first.

One man, well ahead of his time, was Benjamin Franklin. He was obviously gifted with a vision of the future. He was able to see that one day our beloved TV would exist. He got started right away on inventing electricity! Smart man. He knew it wouldn't happen in his lifetime, this beautiful glorious thing called television. But he knew it was for the greater good. A good man.

And why did the brave soldier risk it all to give us this gift??? So we wouldn't have to think for ourselves! So we wouldn't have to continue to invent crap to entertain ourselves! I'd like to thank this brave man. And in the same breath I'd like to curse those money-hungry-Hollywood-sons-of-bitches.

Give the writers what they want. I can't take it anymore! Give the people their TV back!

Somewhere... in heaven, Benjamin Franklin is letting out a tumultuous cry as he watches everything he envisioned with his prophetic sight crumble before his eyes. Generations weep with you Mr. Franklin. Generations weep. I weep. I weep... openly.

Monday, November 5, 2007

update on our Gnat bastard situation

We have won. The war is over. The gnats have lost. May it be a lesson to ALL gnats and creatures alike.

We had to track down the source. After searching the interweb tirelessly... (well, truthfully, it was tiring. Is the opposite of tirelessly tirefully? I don't think that is a real word. Anyway, I searched and was exhausted. )
After searching the interweb for causes behind the gnats, Shawna and I realized it was nothing conventional that had caused this. No rotting food. No weird stagnant water. No plant gnats. Nothing that was a common cause.
We had to use our own detective skills and came up with unconventional causes. One of which was that maybe one of us was farting them out. Shawna and I spent a very embarrassing (and stinky) 10 minutes together researching this idea... turns out that neither one of us was farting the gnats.

We went back to killing them daily, hoping they would get the hint and their friends would be warned! It was not working and we were suffering still.

And one day, we realized...someone was farting it out. It was our own sweet mother. Once we got her diet regulated the gnats disappeared! Coincidence...I think not.