Friday, January 30, 2009

Dignity? It just gets worse...

The first picture? Hilarious. And sad. On so many levels. Her new husband is an enabler, her tiny hat looks like a cake too and her? Well...we all know.
The second picture? Horrible. The mustache? Crazy eyes? Hair? Bad.
This picture...? Horrific. I'm shuddering. I'm sorry for sharing...but it will be burned into my brain till the end of time, so I'm passing it along!

And I think this applies here too...
Nom, nom, nom...

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Dignity, Part deux

Although not as funny as 'Nom, nom, nom...'
I had to post this picture too... The mustache is niiiice. If you can't see it well enough, click on it to enlarge. At your own risk.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Friday, January 23, 2009

I see dead people...

Readers, do you remember 'Dharma and Greg'? Of course you do. Who wouldn't. We all know and love Jenna Elfman. well, she had a little boy that she named Story. Which is cruel in and of itself. However, I just got my first glimpse of Story... the picture below is what I saw... take a look.

I never saw it before but now I know for sure... Jenna Elfman is Haley Joel Osment's real birth mother. Take a look for yourself...

Right? Right??? I imagine that a younger, foolish Jenna got pregnant and couldn't keep the baby and put him up for adoption. The Osment's raised him as their own and neither were the wiser. But, blood runs deep...Jenna and son Haley clearly share the same talent. Acting.

There is another scenario that I think is possible... Haley Joel Osment's career was not going so well, he had not much going on and he wanted to recapture his childhood acting career. He went in for an experimental procedure to shrink himself and capture his child-like cuteness and try again at a good career. Now, Jenna is raising him as he grows up again... to see dead people.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Happy Birthday Dad!

Today is my Dad's birthday... Just had to give a shout out to my Dad! Hollla!

Some things I thought I would share about my Dad today...

1. When I was younger, I thought he was magic. When we were at stoplights he could always predict when our light would turn green again! How did he do it? I was sure it was magic.

2. I believe my Dad knows everything. Either he knows everything... or he is a very convincing liar. If I ask him something I rarely get an "I don't know." And those rare occasions when he does say that...he swiftly follows it up with an answer that is believable enough for me.

3. I'm fuzzy on the details, but when I was a little kid my Dad took me on a ride at the fair and it made me sick and I was scared. After we got off the ride, my Dad won a stuffed animal for me and took me on a mellow ride. Although I don't remember specifics, I do remember feeling like my Dad would always make everything better.

4. I've only heard my Dad sing ONCE. It was a song that says something about... "I don't want a pickle, I just want to ride my motorcycle..."

5. I wouldn't be surprised to find out my Dad leads a secret life. Prime Minister of Canada or CIA Agent or Japanese Game Show host. If someone came to me and told me about this life, I'd probably just respond with... "Hmmm...I figured as much."

6. I'm convinced my Dad is bionic. That strength doesn't come from natural humans.

7. My Dad has ruined men for me. I frequently get annoyed when guys can't figure things out or fix something or don't have the answer or aren't strong enough. Seriously? My Dad could do it. I'm afraid I'll spend my life saying that... "My dad could do it..."

8. One time my sisters and I were saying something about how my Dad knows how to do everything and Tara piped up with, "Dad did let me down one time." I had to know more. She told me a story about one evening when she was driving from Taylor to Show Low and her jeep broke down. She was stuck halfway, on the side of the road. That was the end of the explanation. I was unclear on how my Dad let her down. Tara responded with, "He didn't KNOW I was broken down and needed help." Yup, he let her down once, by not intuitively knowing that she was broken down and coming to her rescue. Shame on him.

9. I think my Dad has the cutest wave. He is such a strong man and yet his wave is so cute. It always makes me giggle. I love watching him cruise down the road in his pick-up, with his shades on and then his cute wave. Always brings a smile to my face.

10. My Dad gives the best hugs. They are so tight. Once I think he might have cracked my rib. But there is nothing better! There is always safety, strength and sureness in his hug.

I love my Dad so much. I am grateful that he is my Dad and that I have had his example in my life. I know that families are forever and I know ours will be. And I am so glad that I will my Dad, forever.

Happy Birthday Dad! I love you!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Confessions are good for the soul...

I decided that since I'm not Catholic, I should start doing my own version of a confessional......

1. I dance in my room when I'm alone.

2. I'd have an affair with Jack Bauer, but I wouldn't marry him.

3. I once found a hair on a piece of cake I bought. I took another bite of the cake after that. I was sickened by my actions. I have shamed myself.

4. I am paranoid that someone will cut off my water supply. I frequently stockpile water, just in case. Sometimes I even take several glasses of water to bed. You know, in case I wake up thirsty but had a freak sleeping accident that left me paralyzed and unable to walk to the faucet. Just in case.

5. I love the smell of books, it makes me giddy. Even old books.

6. I think you can tell everything you need to know about a person from what they buy at a grocery store.

7. I immediately lose respect for someone when they wear velour track suits.

8. I hate velcro. It's an offensive substance. The noise irritates me and it's like you've given up on life so much so that you can't tie a shoe or buy a slip on? Commit to full on laziness and buy a slip on, or tie your shoes. Pick one. Too depressed to tie your shoe? Buy a slipper. Leave the velcro in the kid's section.

9. I have a crush on someone, I'm in kindergarten. At least this time it isn't identical twins.

10. I love the smell of new plastic.

11. I map out the exits when I enter a building.

12. I could become an agoraphobic with very little effort.

13. I'm afraid I may be buried alive. If I die, please don't seal the casket. Bury me with it unsealed, and a string around my finger that has a bell on the other end, attached to my headstone. That way, if I awaken buried alive, I can move my finger to sound the alarm so that they can begin to dig me out.

14. I am a big fan of 'pun intended.'

15. I lose respect for a man when he crosses his legs.

16. I am a little hypochondriachal. If I watch ER or Mystery Diagnosis, I exhibit the same symptoms for at least 2 minutes after watching the show. I'm convinced I have that disease. Until I get caught up in another show and forget all about it.

17. I have zero respect for children's television actors. How do that look at themselves in the mirror every day?

18. I love when jokes are over explained.

19. I practice texting with my left hand in case I'm ever in a car accident and upside down in a ditch and I'm pinned down and can only maneuver my left arm into my pocket and I need to text for help. It could happen.

This is confessional tag! I am tagging all of you. That's right...every single person who reads this. I am tagging you to do 19 confessions. Unless you want to do more. Or less. I did 19 because that's what came to mind while I was typing this blog. If I put my mind to it...I could have gone all day. Be grateful I didn't. I hope you've laughed, learned things about me that you never wanted to know and lost a little respect for me in the process. Tag, you're it!

Monday, January 12, 2009

Dancing With The Handicapped Stars...

Readers, I assume you're all familiar with Dancing With The Stars. I watched the first season because it was on during the summer. I missed the next season. But, I watched the 3rd season featuring Emmitt Smith. Why? Because he's hot! Break me off a piece of that! Rarrr. Anyhoo...

The show itself isn't that great. Once they moved it from summer programming to the regular tv show season...I lost interest. I'm not wasting my time on that when so many other shows are on. No way! Put it back on in the summer, I'd probably start watching it again.

The thing about this show is that it's called "Dancing With The Stars" but in reality they aren't really "stars." I've tuned in once or twice in recent seasons and I couldn't tell you who the professional dancer was and who the star was. That's how recognizable those stars are!

But, the show sunk to a new low, if you ask me! They had on Heather Mills McCartney. She has an amputated leg. It's a dancing show. No leg... Dancing... No leg... Dancing show... No leg. ..Dancing with the no leg stars... Dancing... No leg.

I get it. We're an Equal Opportunity society. Everyone is equal! We don't discriminate. The thing's not fair. If you take a person with two legs and a person with one leg and put them in the same competition...of DANCING...guess who will fair better? Someone with two legs. You either end up embarrassing them horribly, or the judges end up making allowances for them and then judge them accordingly. Which is completely unfair to the other competitors!
It's like on America's Next Top Model when they persist in having a "Full-Figured" girl or two competing with the "normal" size girls. They are never going to book the same jobs. It's ridiculous!

I have to admit (don't judge me) I watched some of Heather Mills McCartney's performances. Why? To see if her fake leg would fall off. I admit it! I did. Quit judging me.
And do you know why ABC had Heather Mills McCartney on Dancing With The Stars? Ratings. Because people would tune in to watch a lady with no leg dance. And some people, like me, would tune in to see if the leg fell off.

To top that...ABC has come up with a new star to put on the show. What tops a one legged woman? A blind man! Yes, Dancing With The Stars is in discussions with Stevie Wonder to be on the next season!
I've seen Stevie Wonder perform on t.v. before. He dances to his own music. Do you know how he dances? He sways back and forth in one spot. BECAUSE HE'S BLIND. Doing more than swaying in one spot presents a myriad of problems. Because he's blind. He can't see where he's going. He could go crowd surfing without even knowing it!
And they want to book him as a dancer...for ratings. Shame on you ABC. Shame on you.

And shame on me, because I'll tune on to see him bump into the judges table.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy New Year!!!

Another year has gone by. Some of it good, some of it miserable. I have to say that I'm hoping for a better 2009 than 2008. What will this year bring? I look at each new year like I do a blank sheet of paper. The possibilities are endless, it's so exciting...until someone comes along and takes your paper and makes an origami duck. Then you're hosed.

In the past I was never one for New Year's Resolutions. I find that most of them are forgotten by January 5th. Instead, each year I've taken to writing myself a letter. I write myself a letter to be opened the next year on New Year's. I write the letter, seal it up and don't look at it for a year. Most of the time the letters make me cry and laugh. And occasionally, I am shamefully embarrassed at my thoughts. More often than not, I am able to see the growth that takes place from year to year.
No, I won't be sharing my letter with you this year. It's for your own good. Really, I'm thinking of you here. However, I highly recommend that you write one of your own. It's a lovely tradition.

Although I won't be sharing my letter with you, I will share some of my New Year's Resolutions! The following are things I feel are important in the coming no particular order...

1. Spend more time texting. I think this year the highest I peaked at was 4,658 messages in a month. I can do better than that! My thumbs need to train up. In an unrelated matter, if anyone has any thumb casts, I'm interested.

2. Read less. My brain is already full of useless information. You can't take it with you when you die! Or was it that you can't take gold with you when you die... I don't know.

3. Spend no more than one hour online a day. I’m not much of a clock watcher, so it will be hard to tell when an hour is up.

4. Don’t beat yourself up for not sticking to resolution #3.

5. Take up a new habit. Like voodoo dolls or tarot cards. First I must become superstitious and believe in black magic so that my new habits make sense. (note to self, wear a lot of black)

6. Make a Wikipedia entry about me, my life and my future so that the whole world can enjoy me and my life.

7. Spend more time watching infomercials to prepare for 2010’s New Year’s Resolution of becoming an Infomercial Actress.

8. Procrastinate more. There is so much I could have put off if I had thought to procrastinate sooner. Whenever I build my time machine I will go back in time and remind myself to procrastinate now. Don't put it off.

9. I want to put on at least 35 pounds. I am preparing for a movie role where I play an even tubbier person.

10. Find a movie role that will cast me as an even tubbier person to justify resolution #9.

Well, readers...there is some insight into what I want to accomplish this year! Good luck to all of us!!!