Chop Chop

One day at a restaurant with my bff we grabbed our utensils while we waited for our food to arrive. Being as helpful as he is (and wanting to make me look like a fool) my bff grabbed some chopsticks for us since they were located right next to the forks.
We couldn't help but laugh at the Chopsticks wrapper. The following is written EXACTLY as it was on the chopsticks wrapper, capitalization and punctuation and all...

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant.
Please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks.
the traditional and typical of Chinese glonous history.
and cultural."

I especially enjoyed that they assumed my Chinese food was "nice" and that the Chinese are 'glonous' and 'cultural.' I enjoyed what they chose to capitalize and what they didn't... also... we weren't at a Chinese Restaurant... but they did welcome me to one. That was kind of them.

On the back they offered helpful suggestions for how to use them! Thank you, because the only thing I know how to do with them is use them to hold my hair up like Mulan did.

Step#1 Tuek under thumb

This is where things get dicey. I don't know what a 'tuek' is.

Step#2 Add second chopstick hold as you hold pencil

Hmmm...I tried repeatedly to use the second chopstick as a pencil, but I never managed to get it to write anything.

Step#3 Hold first chopstick in original position move second one up and down. Now you can pick up anything

This was not easy to do as they said to hold the first chopstick in the original position, which was "tuek." Also, I found this to be false advertising. Not only could I not pick up my food with these directions...I couldn't pick up "anything" as they suggested I would be able to. I really committed to this experiment. I used the chopsticks to hold the steering wheel, which resulted in a ticket. I used the chopsticks to flip off the cop who gave me the ticket...and they actually worked really well for that. Later I tried to use them in the bathroom to pick up the toilet paper... I'm ending that story there.

On the wrapper they have several Chinese characters, which I can only assume that, loosely translated, mean "Congratulations, American! You dropped rice on your shirt! Use a fork, dumbass!"

Weekend at Bernie's: The Retirement Years

Readers,

On April 6th, 2010 I brought you the feel good story of the year...

"In UK news.... two women, ages 41 (daughter) and 66 (mother), were arrested after they tried to smuggle a corpse onto a flight from London to Berlin. The women placed the man, their relative, into a wheelchair and covered his face with sunglasses in an attempt to get him aboard the flight. They are being charged with "suspicion of failing to give notification of death." To be fair, maybe they didn't know he was dead. 91 year old men aren't that lively. I want to know what their end game was.
I just want to know what their explanation was. "Didn't know he was dead... he's been that way for years."
Or, "Oh, THAT'S what that stink was...I just thought he was extra flatulent today..."
Or, they could have been filming a movie sequel; 'Weekend at Bernie's: Bernie takes Europe!'
OR
'Weekend At Bernie's: The Retirement Years'
There are all kinds of plausible explanations. I want to hear their side of it."

As you may have noticed, I ended my tale with "I want to hear their side of it"... well, I wanted to bring you an update. The wife of the 91 year old corpse has come out to tell her side of this story. And it suddenly all makes SO much sense.

I'm not making this up, this is a direct quote: "I'm not a smuggler. My Willi only died at the airport. He suddenly looked so lifeless, like a wax figure. His fingernails turned blue all of a sudden. At home he was still warm -- I swear!"

Oh. Well, that explains it. I've seen the security lines in airports, I wouldn't go back to bury my husband and then have to stand in THAT line again either. Security lines are getting ridiculous these days.

I imagine their trip went something like this...

Daughter: "Well, we have a little time before our flight, I'm going to run over to Starbucks and grab a latte. You guys want anything? Mom? Dad?"

Mother: "I'll take a white chocolate mocha."

Dad: "....."

Mother: "What was that honey? Do you want something? Honey???"

Daughter: "Dad? Daaaaad? He looks kinda pale...feels a little chilly..."

Mother: "Well, he was warm when we left the house. But I don't feel a pulse now."

Daughter: "We already bought his ticket home. When I get our lattes I'll see if I can get some sunglasses, a hat and a scarf in the souvenir shop and we'll just bring him home on the flight and deal with this later."

Mother: "Good plan. Oh, also, get me a Cinnabon."

Dad: "...."

A new restaurant...kinda.

A while back we got an Iggy's Sports Grill. Good restaurant. Nothing hugely special, true. We already had a Chili's and a Ruby Tuesdays. But I thought Iggy's was a much better restaurant than those two...

Apparently I was the only one who thought that though. It went out of business. Boo! Then.....good news! I heard it was for sale for about a half a million. Chump change! I knew this was the business for me. It was a business opportunity and a challenge that I was looking forward to. Unfortunately...it turns out that I don't have a half a million dollars. I was slightly short of that, surprisingly. Bummer.

Luckily, someone has bought the Iggy's building. They decided not to buy the franchise though. The new owners took down the Iggy's Sports Grill sign...and then faced the very difficult challenge of coming up with a new name. I will give it to them, it's not easy. But...I have to say, I think these are some pretty unimaginative people that bought the old Iggy's Sports Grill. They just put up the new signs, proudly displaying their new name.... Aggy's Sports Grill.
Yes. Aggy's Sports Grill. Big change from Iggy's Sports Grill. Big difference.

I'm not sure of the logic behind this decision. Maybe they wanted to keep on the old staff, but also doubted the staff's intelligence and wanted to make it easy on them to remember the new name? Maybe they overpaid for the restaurant and needed to save on make-over costs? If you only have to change one letter it would probably save a lot of money.

I don't know what their reasoning was. Personally, I would have gone with Eeggy's. sounds like Iggy's, but with a Spanish accent. I hope that the food is more imaginative than their naming skills. We'll see!

Obama did WHAT?!?

I have to clear the air... this blog post has nothing to do with Obama and what he may or may not have said/done. It was just a cleverly disguised ruse to get you to read my blog. Ha ha, suckas! You're stuck now!

We have a new store in town! It's a Dress Barn. Honestly, I'm unlikely to ever peruse their racks. (he he he...I said 'racks'...)
What really cracks me up is their sign. It reads: DRESS BARN (and underneath that) WOMAN'S APPAREL
Am I the only one who saw the obvious humor in that?
It should say DRESS BARN (and underneath that) WOMAN'S APPAREL (and underneath that) STAY OUT, CROSS DRESSERS!!!
I mean...come on....it says Dress in the store name. It's kind of funny that they felt the need to qualify it by saying it was for women... is it just me? Probably. I bet most people just drove by it and never had a cross-dressing thought.

I saw an ad recently for a product I never even considered before ... Private Label Dental Floss. Yes, it's true. Just the other day I was using my floss that I bought at Wal-Mart and I was thinking, "I'm better than this! I shouldn't have to use store bought dental floss. Where's P. Diddy when I need him???" Well, worry no more, teeth! I will soon be bringing you the floss you deserve.

In UK news.... two women, ages 41 and 66, were arrested after they tried to smuggle a corpse onto a flight from London to Berlin. The women placed the man, a relative of theirs, into a wheelchair and covered his face with sunglasses in an attempt to get him aboard the flight. They are being charged with "suspicion of failing to give notification of death." To be fair, maybe they didn't know he was dead. 91 year old men aren't that lively. I want to know what their end game was.
I just want to know what their explanation was. "Didn't know he was dead... he's been that way for years."
Or, "Oh, THAT'S what that stink was...I just thought he was extra flatulent today..."
Or, they could have been filming a movie sequel; 'Weekend at Bernie's: Bernie takes Europe!'
OR
'Weekend At Bernie's: The Retirement Years'
There are all kinds of plausible explanations. I want to hear their side of it.

Well, that's all I have on my mind today, Readers. Literally. Sorry I lured you here under false pretenses...but Obama is a buzzword right now and I have to do whatever I can to get Readers to my blog! Suckas!