Tuesday, November 30, 2010

There's an App for that...

In the beginning I thought the iPhone was over-hyped. Yes, it looked cool and all. But, it couldn't be THAT cool. I was skeptical, at best. Then I got an iTouch. A better contraption, I've never owned! (Except for maybe underwear.)
I love my iTouch, I do. But imagine if you could get an app that allowed it to make phone calls as well! Oh...wait...that's an iPhone. I still haven't caved and gone over to the new wave of technology and gotten an iPhone. I've said it before and I'll say it again... I'll get an iPhone when they make an iPhone Shuffle*.
Much like the iPod shuffle, you just shake it for a random selection. This way, I shake my phone and it randomly calls people for me. I'm feeling lucky....ahhh, crap...I didn't want to talk to my Aunt today....ah well, the iPhone Shuffle has decided.

Whether you own an iPhone or an iTouch, you'll quickly become aware that there really is an "app for that." Really. For everything.
Want to find out how many ounces are in a cup? There's an app for that. (Don't judge me, I don't have room in my head for these kinds of things.)
Need to know where the sex offenders are in your neighborhood? There's an app for that! (Walking around your neighborhood looking for shady people is usually pretty reliable too.)
Need a map or directions? There's an app for that. (Although I've yet to find an app for directions with an "avoid ghetto" routing option, so you're taking your chances here, folks.)

There's an app for everything...well, nearly everything. I'm hear to tell you that coming soon, there WILL be an app for everything....

Researchers in the UK are working on a technology that would allow you to self-diagnose STD's on your phone. Right now, basically the dark ages, we (I say "we" but I really mean "you filthy perverts") have to overcome embarrassment and see an actual doctor. Not no' mo' folks! Not no' mo'.

If you think you might have an STD, you’ll be able to pee on a computer chip (seriously, you pee on it…) and then plug that into your phone or computer for insta-diagnosis. The plan is to sell the chips in vending machines in night clubs, right next to the condoms and tampons. It's unclear as to whether or not you could just pee directly ON your phone, but I'm guessing I should get practice in and begin doing that immediately. I'll gladly pee on your phone as well.

The app is still in development, but researchers hope it will encourage STD awareness amongst people who are too embarrassed to ask their doc, “Does this look infected?” (But not too embarrassed to pee on a computer chip in a night club bathroom stall, I guess. I mean...where would you rather find out that you have AIDS? At the doctor, or in a night club right before you do shots and a random person? A night club, of course.)

I'm hoping this becomes a new wave of technology and I'll be able to pee on phones for all diagnostic testing. It would eliminate my need to drive to instacare and see an apathetic doctor who prescribes antibiotics. My primary care physician could become iDoctor. I could just call them and say, "Hey Doc. I just peed on my phone. It says I have bronchitis and a touch of the vapors...whaddya got for that?"

*The iPhone Shuffle! (In stores Neverbember of 2048)