Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Advice by Lisa: Enlarge your WHAT?

Dear Lisa Marcell,

I am a healthy 30 something male. I have no known health concern except for what is called neuroectodermal appendage. My question is this; I recently saw an infomercial that was for "that certain part of the male anatomy". This commercial made a lot of sense to me. So I ordered this all natural herbal product. After taking said product for 2 weeks I started to notice a big change! Unfortunately my neuroectodermal appendage began to grow! (Also known as a Human Tail) It grew 2 inches. This was not the desired affect. So I called the company and all I got from thier customer service department was heavily accented laughter.

Lisa Marcell, what do I do now? Please help,
Livin' La Vida Loca in Logan

Dear Livin Lovita Loca in Logan,

Although growing your tail may not have been the desired effect, fate has handed you something even more alluring than an enlarged member of the male anatomy. During a time of economic hardships and instability, you have managed to turn what was once a slight abnormality into a money making scheme! "When life hands you a tail, make money." I think that's how the saying goes.
Start sending out your resume, including a butt shot instead of a head shot. There isn't a circus in the world who wouldn't want you to join their team! You have a profitable business on your hands....errrr, butt. And to quote my dear friend, Ludacris...
"Shake, shake, shake yo' money maker!"

Good luck in the circus and I hope everything shakes out well for you, Lisa Marcell

Monday, October 27, 2008

Quirks, part deux!!!

So, I have been told by numerous people that my original quirks were not interesting enough because they learned nothing new about me. So, I dug deep...hopefully you learn something new this time around...if not...well, screw you pal. I tried.

1. I hate to chew in the morning. It goes beyond hating to eat in the morning, which I don't like to do either. If I have to eat in the morning, it should be liquid. Because I hate chewing in the morning! Maybe it's that I think if I chew I'm actually awake. Like the saying goes, "As a man cheweth, so is he awaketh." Or something. I don't know, but I hate it!

2. I still wish on stars. I do. It's lame and childish and logically I KNOW nothing will happen if I wish on a star. But I still do it. And I still say the whole thing...starlight, starbright...yadda yadda yadda. I'm still waiting for my unicorn from when I was 6 and my millions of dollars. But I sometimes wish for the simple things in life too. And guess what? Sometimes my wishes come true! Coincidence? Yeah. But still.

3. I am a huge fan of pun intended. I'm also a huge fan of over-explaining jokes. It makes it funnier to me.

4. The song "Smile" (Music by Charlie Chaplin, lyrics by John Turner and Geoffrey Parsons) always makes me cry. Doesn't matter who is singing or how many times I've heard it or what mood I'm in. I instantly well up. I love the simplicity of the message. It's about hope. Even when you are sad, just keep smiling and just keep trying and you'll get through. Full lyrics can be found here:

5. When I make a sandwich I have to take a bite of it before I leave the kitchen. When I get a coke at a convenience store I have to take a sip before I go pay and leave. I don't know if it's quality inspection or if I just have to fulfill the instant gratification side of me. Either way...I do it.

6. In my head, there is a narrator. I hear a voice-over narrating the events of my life as well as those around me. I also have a constant soundtrack. If something in my life is going on, there is a song playing in my head. Maybe multiple tracks. And then songs will remind me of particular events in my life. Combine the voice-over and the soundtrack...it's basically a movie up in my head. Very entertaining. And also distracting.

7. I have an obsession with pulling arm hair and chest hair. If I'm having a conversation with someone with hairy arms or they have chest hair poking out of their shirt...it takes serious effort to pay attention and not grab the arm hair and YANK! Sometimes I just do it. Or, today, my co-worker Bruce was talking about something and I said..."Would it help if I pulled your arm hair?" Luckily, Bruce already knows I'm weird and he said it would help and he held out his arm and I yanked. If only everyone let me yank their arm hair. Life would be perfect.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Here a tag, there a tag, everywhere a tag tag...

No, not a skin tag. Those are just gross, aren't they? I don't mean to offend anyone out there with skin tags. I'm sure I'll have one soon enough.

I've been "tagged." I don't remember by who (or whom...I can never remember which it is) or by how many people (or peeps...I can never remember which it is...)...but I know I've been tagged and I must answer the call. You're supposed to tell who tagged you, but I don't tag and tell. Plus I don't remember. It could've been anyone. It'd be impossible to know.
So, I'm supposed to tell 7 quirks about myself. It's going to be tough to do this for a number of reasons. None of which I'm going to share at this time. I already have to share 7 quirks, I shouldn't have to tell why it will be hard, too.

#1- I loathe chit chat. I do. I think you should just get to the point. I really don't like running into people and standing around talking about absolutely nothing. I know, I know...this makes me unfriendly or something...but can you imagine all of the time I could save by not participating in chit chat? Running into neighbors/acquaintances at the store, chit chatting when on the phone before the caller gets to their point, talking to the cashier while they ring me up even slower because they can't focus on two things at once... I would have like an extra half an hour a day to watch more TV! Imagine all of the TV I could be enjoying. Instead, it's wasted on human interaction.

#2- I am convinced that all of my fears, phobias, inhibitions, etc are caused by traumas in a previous life. But I don't actually believe in past lives. I want to though. I love the idea of it. It's a great concept. That we keep progressing in each life, some innate qualities or fears we need to overcome. I also want to believe in destiny and fate. I don't. But I'd like to.

#3- If the clock says 2:11 I say "Happy Birthday" to myself! If the clock says 9:11 I have a moment of remembering 9/11 and always wonder if the people who lost someone in the 9/11 attacks think about that every time the clock turns 9:11. And how sad that would be.

#4- I'm always afraid people will think I am better than I am. Smarter, better, funnier. I feel like I should come with a disclosure... like a review mirror. ***Objects in front of you may not seem as smart or as funny or as put together as they appear***

#5- I wait for new music Tuesday every week with so much hope in my heart! Every week I count down to Tuesday...wishing and hoping that wonderful, new music will come out! And most weeks it's a bust. I get so disappointed. But I still go online every Tuesday...hopeful that this is the week for me and my iPod!

#6- I think it's so rude to pay more attention to your phone via text or other phone calls when out with people. But...I still do it. It's like saying, "Hey, I know we're together in person but this lazy arse on the other end of my phone who can only text me is more important..." But I do it, I do.

#7- I clean up after myself in a restaurant and wipe the table down for the wait staff. When I go to the doctor, I am the one that removes the paper off the table and replaces it for the next patient. I don't know why. I don't want people to think I'm rude or a mess...I suppose.

Hopefully you've learned something new about me!

So, now I am supposed to tag 7 people. I don't think I know 7 people. Or at least not 7 people who haven't already been tagged. I think I will tag Brandon, Bryan, Rinnie, Ali, Jack Bauer, Shawna and Amy.

Peace out.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Advice by Lisa: Painting Sparks

Dear Lisa Marcell,

How can I convince my husband that it's in his best interest to help paint the apartment?

Struggling Painter

Dear Struggling Painter,

One of the hard realizations in a marriage is that we can't convince our spouse to do as we wish. Unless of course, you married a monkey. And even then...good luck getting him potty trained. The best way to enlist your hubby's help? Enticement. Paint in the nude, using your body parts as paintbrushes. It's not only effective as an attention grabber, it rekindles that spark in the bedroom (and bathroom, living room, kitchen...or any other room that needs a fresh coat of paint) PLUS it saves money. Why waste money on paintbrushes when God gave you fingers and breasts? A little tip...put down some drop cloths.

Best of luck,
Lisa Marcell

Throw your cares away...

So, there's this new old folks retirement village that popped up near our house recently. It's adorable. They are all one story, have a garage, a driveway long enough for an RV....it's the perfect community for old folks. The houses are SO cute. I'd live there if they'd let me. I'm quiet, I don't like to use stairs and I like to go to bed early too! I bet I take as many pills as they do. I'd fit right in. But I can't. Because my birth certificate says I'm not old enough.
It's age discrimination.

But, that's not the point I'm making today. As you're driving past the community...it has signs that advertise why you'd want to live there...
"No yard maintenance!"
"No shoveling snow!"
And the main one...
"Throw your cares away!!!"

Attached to the last sign were balloons to draw your attention and get you all excited. The only problem?

The balloons were black. Upon closer inspection you could tell that there WERE black and orange (for Halloween, I presume) but the orange ones were deflated...leaving only the black balloons to advertise this old folks community. Is it really the image you want to portray? They should get a new sign...

"Throw your cares away because you're going to DIE here!!!"

Monday, October 13, 2008

Advice by Lisa: The fart...to deny or not to deny?

Dear Lisa Marcell,

My left shoe makes a farting noise when I walk. And it just made one when I left the dispatch office at work. Do I go back in and announce that it was my shoe? What if nobody heard it? Then I sound guilty and won't be able to live it down. Or do I just keep going and hope nobody heard it, but risk that they did hear and just think I farted and then left? I'm panicked!

Farting and Panicked

Dear Farting and Panicked,

The appropriate response would have been a timely denial and explanation of your shoe having farted, not your rear. But, too much time has passed and it will now seem as though you concocted the shoe farting story to cover up your loose bowels. Then people will not only think you're gassy, but that you are slow, too.
There are only two options now.
1. Brazen it out, never speak of it again and hope nobody heard it.
2. Recreate the situation and do damage control at that point. How? Go back into the dispatch office and make casual conversation until the shoe farts again. At that point, let them know your left shoe farts. And tell a story about how this same thing happened at church one day, but you couldn't deny it to the whole congregation as sacrament was going on. Everyone assumed you farted and you were mortified. The story will deflect the current farting noise, make them laugh and they'll also be able to relate to you. Who hasn't had a farting shoe incident? Once the discussion of mis-diagnosed fartings finishes, leisurely stroll back to your office, ensuring that the fart noise doesn't happen again. Never wear the shoes again.

Best of luck,

Lisa Marcell

Freudian slip.....?

Absentee ballots went out in upstate New York last week. Who are the candidates for President? John McCain and....drum roll please.... Barack Osama!

No joke, folks. True story.
I know I've joked in the past about Barack having terrorist ties, but all evidence seemed circumstantial, at best. But, come on people! He's changed his name to Osama on the ballots!

At least he's finally being honest. I'll give him props for that. Apparently America was not ready for the truth though. The Obama camp had to issue the order to retract the truth. They shredded the ballots that had "errors" on them. They shredded the evidence...Enron, anyone?

After shredding the remaining ballots with "errors" on them, they mailed out corrected ballots to the individuals who received the first ones. The kicker? Those people who received both ballots can submit either one and have it counted. If you want to vote for Barack Osama, go ahead! I smell Al Qaida at work.

Obama spokesman Blake Zeff said the campaign is "glad officials are working to correct this error and we assume it won't happen again..." until America is ready for the truth...*insert maniacal laughter here*

Sunday, October 5, 2008

It's all about timing...

Readers, I've recently been accused of not putting enough of my personal life into this blog. That accusation is preposterous! This is my life, straight up! Or fictionalized or something. That's all in the past though.

Let me tell you about a deeply personal experience I just had. Readers, I believe we all have soulmates and I believe we will all find our perfect companion. Sadly, sometimes we aren't ready to accept that person into our lives. We're not who we want to be, who we need to be. Sometimes we think we need to see more of the world, to grow more, to do more...before we settle down. Sadly, I fell into this trap last spring. I had been in an exclusive relationship with Electric B. for 6 months when I began to feel stifled...smothered...it was all just too much. I told Electric B. that I needed some space. It wasn't him, it was me. Still, I could tell he was hurt, obviously. I thought I was making the right decision for both of us. I couldn't force him to waste his warmth on someone who wasn't in the right place to appreciate it.
But, let me tell you Readers, I thought of Electric B. fondly all summer. I missed Electric B. soooo much. But, I had to fly free, I had to find my own way. I took all summer to myself, but there was always this ache in my heart. And, recently, there's been a frost in my toes from missing Electric B.
Today, Electric B. showed up on my bed. All warm and enveloping, just like he's always been. He hadn't changed. But I had. I've seen what life is like without him. I'll always have a place in my bed for Electric B. I look forward to reconnecting. I know we'll always be together...at least till next summer when I get the itch to move on. But Electric B. will always be my soulmate.

I highly encourage those of you who are planning to live your winter without an electric blanket to reconsider. It'll change your life. You will fall in love. I know I have. I don't think I ever really fell out of love, it was just a timing issue, like most relationships. Me and Electric B. are going to last forever. Or until he needs replaced.
It's all about timing, Readers.