Wednesday, April 8, 2009

American Idol Recap: Birth Year

Last week on American Idol, we lost my home girl, Megan! I loved her voice, but she tanked. She was so glad to be leaving. Every season has one person that you can tell has just been beaten down to the point where they can't remember why they came on the show to begin with. This season it was Megan. She was happy to leave! So long, little bird! Fly free! Caw, caw!!!

Last night was American Idol night! I was too lazy to watch it and blog it last night. so, I bring my recap to you tonight, along with the elimination news!

First up is American Idol's Golden Boy.... Danny "I'm competing with Randy for the coolest glasses title" Gokey.
Danny took a well known song, 'Stand By Me' and I was worried that because it was so well known (and bland) that it would tank. But, Danny chose to really slow down the first verse...which served to only bring you happiness when he sang it at it's normal tempo. When you water the song down to a ballad, suddenly you're grateful for the regular version. Pure genius, Danny.

Second up is Kris "Awww, shucks" Allen!
Tonight he switched things up a ballads tonight.... he "rocked" it! Rocked it easy listening adult contemporary style. Instead of the big stage, they put Kris in the middle of American Idol groupies. I always find this creepy. Although the performance didn't wow me, I enjoyed it. Side note: I always wondered why his parent's named him Kris with a 'K' instead of 'Ch'. I've figured it out. He was born a hermaphrodite and they wanted to give him a name that could go either way. He's a pretty boy, would have been a pretty girl too. But I'm glad they chose boy. Good decision.

Singing third tonight was 'Lil "Does this leather vest make my butt look big" Rounds.
I've never understood the draw behind 'Lil Rounds. And tonight she was determined to prove me wrong! She took on a Tina Turner classic... 'What's Love Got To Do With It?'.... Unfortch, there was only 'distaste got to do with it' tonight. When your legs aren't as good as Tina's...wear pants.

Up fourth is... Anoop "I was born the same day as David Cook, perhaps that will make me a star!" Desai.
After two horrific up-tempo performances... he decided to shelve his dancing skills and sing a ballad from a stool. But, wait... he's up and working the stage! 'True Colors' is definitely a good choice for Anoop. Because he's colored. Get it? True colors! Anoop is a color... get it?

Fifth singer tonight is Scott "I wanted to be a train conductor but nobody would ride my train because I'm blind and blind peeps don't make for good train conductors" McIntyre.
Listen, I know how bad this is going to sound and I'm going to get judged for it.... but will they please put glasses on him? He's got the wild eyes and when he looks around all crazy creeps me out. Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles, Ronnie Milsap... glasses. For a reason. Andrea Bocelli? Closes his eyes. For a reason. Judge me, whatever. It's creepy.
As for his singing... it was really, really bad tonight. Sorry. But I did enjoy his guitar.

Lucky number six tonight was Alison "I'm not boring, I totally have a personality, see my hair?" Iraheta.
Alison chose a Bonnie Raitt song, "I can't make you love me." I always think a song like that is a risky choice. Any song that talks about people not liking you, about going home...anything along those lines always makes me wonder if it influences people to vote you out. People are very susceptible to suggestion. It ended up being a tad boring, but still good.

7th performer of the evening is Matt "holy crap those were some big ears on a child" Giraud.
I think I enjoyed his performance. I'm not sure. I'll never know. I couldn't get past that tiny hat. It looks ridiculous. He sang 'Part-time lover.' You know, because even with Viagra...nobody can love full time.

Last up was Adam "save the best for last, or save the worst to get cut off by the TiVo" Lambert.
Yup, shockingly, AI ran long and his performance was not captured by my Tivo. I don't know what he sang, didn't see it. And I haven't googled it to watch it online either. However, I still will review it. Adam's performance had plenty of personality, he made love to the camera (and himself), there were some shrill high notes and I still don't get why women are attracted to him...he doesn't need you. He drives a stickshift.

Cut to: Elimination night! As always, it begins with Ryan "how short is he?" Seacrest! ...and pan to the audience where Mario Lopez smiles for Ryan...clearly a man-crush there.
The judges are always harping on the contestants for their clothes or their's what I thought of the judges' looks tonight...
Randy: Why the bracelets, dawg? Nothing shows off fat quite like a band constricting the rolls. I'm considering getting a choker necklace. I hear they are quite slimming. Yo, yo, yo.
Kara: Pretty lady, it's about artistry! Don't show us your armpits. I swear there was a 5 o'clock shadow in those pits
Paula: I love your bangs and you really tried to make that dress your own... but gloves? Off white gloves, no less. I think she thought she was attending her wedding to Simon tonight. It was the only way they could get her to the show.
Simon: No offense, but I don't get why you only have two shirts..that are too tight. I'm guess it's because he went bankrupt at one point, now he lives below his means in the clothing department.

Then they brought out Frankie Avalon (which 90% of the Idol audience has no clue who he is) to sing off tune and make love to Simon with his eyes and nearly fell down the stairs in the process.

Next up: Our favorite..... the dreaded group number! In seasons past, I've always fast forwarded through them. But I watch them this season. I will admit it...I want to see blind guy dance. Dance Monkey, dance! Tonight's group performance only proved what we already knew... NOBODY would watch 'Group Idol' if Fox starts that new show.

Now we begin the eliminations....

First into the bottom 3? Anoop! And the other two in the bottom 3? His two eyebrows! Ha ha! Who will be eliminated next? Anoop...or his left eyebrow....or his right eyebrow???

Before we get the results, we get to watch Flo' Rida dirty up a classic song. I fast-forwarded through it.... till I saw that he took off his hoodie. Da-amn that dude is built. Break me off a piece of that!

More results.... Scott is in the bottom 3 with Anoop. Great. If Anoop chooses tonight to blow us all up, the only one watching it is the blind guy. I feel really great about that!
Oh, wait, 'Lil Rounds is going to keep a look out for us too. And now the bottom 3 is complete. The Indian, the blind dude and the black chick. Wow, this looks really bad for the Affirmative Action Committee.

Before we get the final results we get to watch Kellie Pickler sing for us. I just can't help but like her. And whatever she paid for those boobs...worth it!

Can I just say that I'd be fine if they got rid of all 3 people this week? Alas, that is not the case...First one safe out of the bottom 3... 'Lil. So will it be Anoop or Scott???

It is Scott who got the lowest amount of votes. Probably because the people voting for him didn't know the braille number to dial in to vote for him... (Okay, that was low...even for me. But it's probably the last blind joke of the season.)

Now Scott must sing for the judges so they can decide if they should save him or not. Who are we kidding? He doesn't have a chance!

Oh, wait...2 of the judges think we should keep him and 2 think we should send him home. Gee, I wonder who is on which side?.... the judges continue their conference...

And it continues with a lot of uncomfortable mumbling because nobody wants to tell the blind guy that he's going home. ... in the end, Simon has to step in to be the mean one again and say... "You may be blind, but unfortunately I'm not deaf! You're going home!" (okay... THAT was the last blind joke of the season.)



Tara and Adam said...

Ok, here is my review of your review of American idol. It was funny, a bit mean, but still oh-so-funny. I agree with most of it. Although I will say I did like the gay guy with the stupid hair. It wasn't so horrible. And they had the lights turned down low enough that I couldn't see him well enough to become nauseated. Here's my problem with him. He belongs in theater. He's too dramatic and over the top. He should stick to plays. I'm sure he's good at that.

My favorite part of your review: the joke about anoop and his two eyebrows making up the bottom 3. Hilarious.

Shawna said...

I don't even need to watch the show anymore. Thanks Lisa! This is going to free up a lot of space on my Tivo......

And yes, it may have been a little mean, but come on...we are all thinking the same things!

Princess Lisa said...

I admit, when writing it I thought it went from snarky to mean in some places. But, I have to be true to what I feel! I watched the episodes back to back and typed as I watched. Whatever popped into my head, came out in my blog.

Rooms- After your comment, I did go online and watch the performance. I must admit, I was pleasantly surprised. I enjoyed it. He didn't dance around feeling himself up! And, I agree, he should be in theater. I still don't have a clue what he's planning on doing as an artist.

George Michael- No problemo! I'm feeling so apathetic about all the contestants, I'm actually considering giving it up this season...because I don't think I care who wins, honestly. We'll see.

Brandon said...

I'm surprised you were so nice. Given the caliber of the performances that you didn't care for, I hereby crown you The Queen of Restraint. And you have my permission to verbally execute anyone who calls you mean.

Rae said...

Lisa, I thought you were right on with most everyone, but I was very disapointed that you didn't have anything to say about that awful, too tight, ugly dress that Kellie was almost wearing! Terrible legs! Whip up a little and get the real low down.

Elise said...

I saw the performance by the one guy who got cut off on Perezhilton. And it was da bomb. He sang Mad world from Donnie Darko (Which is a pimp movie!) and I actually was like, Wow- this fruitcake can really blow. ANd by blow I mean sing.