Tuesday, March 31, 2009

American Idol Recap Rundown top 9

Yes, I watch American Idol. I do. I've been hurt many, many times from it. It's caused many, many wars in my family. My elder brother and I haven't spoken since the Taylor Hicks debacle.

Yet, I am still a fan. I don't know why. I wish I could stop. There should be a support group.

Until I overcome this addiction...I thought I might give a weekly rundown. We're down to the top 9, so I'm a little behind the game...but, so what?

Tonight's show featured any popular download on itunes! Holla! This left the contestants pretty much any avenue... to show us who they are as a contemporary artist...Here are my thoughts on tonight's show...in order of appearance, of course.

1. Anoop "Dawg" Desai.
I've never understood the draw behind Anoop. Tonight he sang Usher's 'Caught Up.' The only thing I was caught up in? His eyebrows. Even if I loved, loved, loved his voice and thought that he would put out an album I loved...I can't get past the eyebrows. It doesn't matter what he's singing, I feel like his eyebrows are doing all the talking. Also, I'm partially convinced that he's from a secret terrorist cell and is now going to get to the top two through other sleeper cell agent's votes and when the finale comes and Ryan is about to announce the winner of American Idol, season 8.... KABOOM. Bomb. Anoop was a suicide bomber. I wouldn't be buying tickets to the finale...I'm just saying.

2. Megan "I'm quirky and hot...is that enoough?" Joy.
Megan is my girl. I love her unique voice, I love her flava. But that girl is seriously tanking it! It's almost like she's not even trying anymore. I think she's in serious jeopardy. But, good news for Megan, she's smokin' hot! Even if this doesn't work out, I'm pretty sure she'll get by just fine with her looks. She sang a Bob Marley song. Yeah. I know. I was upset as you are.

3. Danny "I'm Grieving" Gokey.
Let me just put it out there that I love Danny's voice. And, granted, it's not his fault that the producers of AI make him seem like the holy one (the white Obama of music.) I love his voice, I do. Tonight, he sings 'What Hurts The Most' originally done by Rascal Flatts. It was ten times better than their version...not hard to do. And the judges praised it as the best of the night! (remember, this was only the 3rd performance of the night and compared to the first 2...it was the best of the night) When Rascal Flatts sings this song it always sounds a bit off. A bit out of tune, whiny, nasal sounding. Turns out...it's not just Rascal Flatts.

4. Allison "Clown Hair" Spanish last name.
She does have a great voice for a 16 year old. But her hair made her look like part clown/part troll. (take me to your leader) Allison sang 'Don't Speak' originally done by No Doubt. I have to say, I was digging it during the verse...but lost it in the chorus where she again tried to show us with every single note that she is a rocker and edgy! Don't you forget it!

5. Scott "Blind Guy" Mcintyre. (no relation to Ronnie Milsap or Stevie Wonder)
I like Scott's vibe. I think he's perfect for the Christian Gospel network. I can see him and Jim Brickman dueling it out for top Christian Christmas album. My favorite thing Scott says tonight: "I'm gonna strip things down a bit. Just me and the piano." Hmmm...sounds familiar...I want to call it...every other performance I've seen him give?

6. Matt "I wanna be Justin Timberlake including the tiny hats" Giraud.
Tonight he sang 'You Found Me' originally done by The Fray. It was a good version, nothing to write home about, nearly indistinguishable from the original. The thing that disturbed me the most was that he sang it, while playing the piano, in the middle of a crowd....like he's suddenly a superstar! I found that pretentious. All he needed was a tiny hat to complete the act.

7. Lil "Token Big Vocal Black Chick For This Season, Stay Tuned Next Season For Someone Strikingly Similar To Me" Rounds.
After much deliberation she chose 'I Surrender' by Celine Dion. I surrendered to my remote and fast forwarded through most of this. (You saw that one coming...it was too easy.) I just want to put this out there...there ain't nuttin' lil about her bum.

8. Adam "Wicked" Lambert.
I don't even know what to say. I truly don't. After every performance, I know that microphone begs to be sanitized. Between the lights and Adam's shrill screaming...by the end of the performance I felt like I might be having a seizure. I honestly, started calling 911 for help. Every performance of Adam's makes me feel like I am sitting there watching a wholesome show...and suddenly I realize it's turned into an awkward porno and they're making love to the camera and stripping off their clothes and doing pelvic thrusts towards the camera...and I'm watching it with my Grandma. I fear that Adam will be the next Prince for me. Kinda girly, not really a guy, not really a rocker...and I'll never understand it.

9. Kris "Who??? Allen.
Tonight he sang 'Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone'....and there ain't no sunshine in my life when you're not in it, Kris! I think he nailed this performance....and then ruined it with that last falsetto note. Ick. Week to week, I pretty much forget about this dude, but I sure like him when he's on stage. He's the white man's Enrique Iglesias.

In a nutshell...nobody wowed me. I'm not hooked on any of them. I love Danny's and Megan's voices the best...but I definitely don't see Megan making it far, and my love for Danny is dwindling.

I fear we have another Clay/Reuben show down coming up.... by that I mean...
Don't know/Don't Care showdown. Yet I'll tune in next week. It's a sickness.

Monday, March 30, 2009

This Just In: Love Hurts

Hi Readers!
Today on 'This Just In' I wanted to bring you relationship advice. I so often get asked what the best way is to rekindle a dying romance, or how to avoid divorce... I bring you a story today that I hope will help all of us...

A woman attempting to reconcile with her estranged husband handcuffed herself to him as he slept and then bit him on his torso and arms as he phoned for help, police said. Helen Sun, 37, told police she wanted to have a conversation with Robert Drawbaugh without him leaving. She changed the locks on their bedroom door and, while he was sleeping Monday, handcuffed herself to him, authorities said.

Drawbaugh was able to dial 911 from his cell phone. Nearly out of breath, he told dispatchers he woke up handcuffed, was still bound to his wife and was holding her down, according to a recording released by police. Dispatchers heard Drawbaugh scream in agony, apparently as his wife bit him.

"Owwwwwwwww!!!" Drawbaugh shouted repeatedly. "Are they almost here? Oh God. I need help!"

Officers who went to the home in Fairfield heard Drawbaugh screaming for help and forced their way in through the front door.

Drawbaugh was treated at a hospital, police said. Sun told investigators that restraining Drawbaugh was the only way she could get him to speak to her, authorities said.

Who can blame her? She wanted to work on their marriage...and he clearly didn't want to put forth the effort it takes to make a marriage work. What options did she have? He wouldn't talk to her unless she restrained him. People always say that they want to be able to walk away from a situation knowing they did EVERYTHING they could to make it work. Well, she can walk away (in handcuffs) knowing she tried with everything she had to make that marriage work. He clearly didn't want to put the work into it. He's a quitter, that's for sure. My advice to you, Readers, is that you try everything you can to make it work!

On a side note: Several things jumped out at me while reading this article...

1. Is this a dramatized version of real events? "Screamed in 'agony' as his wife bit him"??? Agony? Really?

2. How sharp are her teeth exactly?

3. How deeply does he sleep? She changed the locks on their bedroom door before handcuffing herself to him and waking him up with her agonizing biting. If someone was changing the locks on my bedroom door, I think I might hear them.

4. How did he manage to dial 911? She handcuffed him and was biting him, but he managed to get his cell phone and dial 911? I can barely dial on my cell phone when I'm coherent and have all my filangies at my disposal.

5. What was her back-up plan? Cutting him with her toenails?

Well, Readers, thank you for joining me for another edition of 'This Just In.' In closing, I hope you've learned something today, Readers! Never give up! Never quit! Even if it means handcuffing your dreams and torturing them till they submit to your will! Never say die!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Cracker Violence

I love kids. I really do. And none more than my nieces and nephews. They're adorable...little....monsters. They all seem cute and innocent, but that's usually when they strike! At one time... My 3 year old nephew Luke told me repeatedly... "Tiss my butt, tiss my butt!" (Translated: kiss my butt, kiss my butt!!!)
Words hurt, they do. But I have to say...the physical abuse hurts more. My dear, sweet, innocent, 1 year old niece Taylor was lovingly sharing her saltine cracker with me. And by "lovingly" I mean "shoving it into my mouth, at times ramming it into my nose." She sweetly offered me her slobbery cracker over and over...and as we shared that bonding moment, she looked into my eyes, she got a maniacal glint in her eye...and attacked me with the edge of the cracker!!! I took photos to share with the police, as a pattern of abuse.

Her eyes said, "why you be frontin'? Huh, cracka??? I'll cut you, cracka, with my cracker!" I maintain that she did it on purpose.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Where in the world is Matt Lauer and why can't he catch a break???

Some people just have bad luck. In these dark and troubled times, with the economy hitting us all hard...some people seem to be hit harder than others. And you wonder why some people have to suffer so much more than others?

Poor Matt Lauer. He is suffering far more than most of us.

You know that annoying segment that he usually does on The Today Show, titled "Where In The World Is Matt Lauer???"

It's a really annoying segment (as are 98% of their segments) that features Matt in different parts of the world with the viewers guessing where he is. It's informative and exciting...except it's neither of those things.

Poor, poor Matt...

"Jim Bell, the executive producer of Today, said that Lauer had solicited suggestions from viewers for possible locations -- he has traveled to such exotic locales as the Taj Mahal and the Egyptian Pyramids -- over the past several weeks, but many told him that in bad economic times, the extravagant trip sent the wrong message."

So, they canceled it. Must have been a devastating loss for Matt......

Dry your eyes, readers! NBC has come up with a new and terrifying segment to replace it! How will they torture Matt next?

"Lauer will take a road trip across America with his three co-anchors, Meredith Vieira , Al Roker and Ann Curry. The NBC morning show team will explore affordable vacation spots, many of which were recommended by viewers. During the trip, they will take a new look at customary traditional vacations and search for the down-home beauty of the United States."

Can you imagine a more heinous road trip? .... well, I guess if you brought along the ladies of The View. That would be worse.

And, sadly, the hits just keep on coming for Matt Lauer.

Where in the world is Matt Lauer today??? (get it? See how I played on the segment of 'where in the world is matt lauer' to segue into the next part of the story??? Get it? I'm hilarious...)

Matt Lauer has been injured by a deer. Yes, it's okay to giggle.

Matt was riding his bike when a deer darted out in front of him, forcing him to slam on the brakes, which flung him over the top of his handlebars.

Yes, it's okay that you're still giggling.

I imagine the deer wasn't a fan of 'Where In The World Is Matt Lauer' either.

We only hope this horrific streak of bad luck soon ends for Matt.

Thursday, March 19, 2009


Hello readers! Although absolutely nothing new ever happens in my life...I do have a few things on my mind. I'm combining them to bring you a random blog entry! In no particular order....

1. Soy Joy
Please watch the following 31 second ad...

Am I the only one who sees the false advertisement? When I view this commercial I think that they must have a tasty, bean-shaped piece of soy JOY that I would gladly put in my mouth in place of sugary jelly beans. False. It's a Soy-Granola-Crap bar. The commercial should say...
"In the afternoon, when you get your craving for sugar... turn to this Soy bar instead of that piece of turd you were going to eat...you'll be glad you did!"

2. I was driving home from work one day and I saw a guy hitch hiking. I know it's dangerous to pick up a hitch hiker...not to mention, sometimes unsanitary. I have never in my life wanted to pick up a hitch hiker more than I did this man. Why? He had an OWL on his arm. No, not a tattoo. A real owl. I can't help it...I want to know why. Did he recently liberate the owl from the bird sanctuary? Steal the owl? Have a fight with his wife and decided to leave her and the only thing he wanted to remind him of his former life was the owl? I don't know. And I'll never know because of that inherent need for safety that I have. Damn me and my sense of security!

3. Why isn't Perplexion a real word? Perplex, perplexity, perplexing, perplexingly, perplexes... yet no perplexion. I think that's a real shame.

4. My BFF, who shall remain nameless, just sent me this email about a moment in his day:
"...this "little person" just got on the bus. Suddenly the driver is super friendly...and a little condescending...like you would be for a 6 year old who is retarded. Either he's over compensating or he wants to get in her tiny pants."

The "tiny pants" comment made me burst out laughing. Yeah, don't judge me.

5. For those of you not familiar with Logan, Utah...approximately 30 minutes from Logan is Bear Lake. It's a small little lake-side town...not a whole lot of people live there during the winter, but it's a nice vacation spot in the summer. Aaaaaanyway...
The other day I'm leaving Walmart and walking out to the parking lot in front of me are 3 elderly peeps walking to their car. One man, two women. Elderly. One even had a walker. Normally, I wouldn't think twice about this. But, their attire made me wonder...
Their jackets clearly read "Bear Lake Fire Fighters."
All I can hope is that they won them in a bingo game and that they aren't Bear Lake's only hope for fire rescue.

Those are my 5 random thoughts for this week! Toodles!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The gay Jack Bauer

We all know how much I love Jack Bauer. Today, I pay homage to his gay counterpart... Chuck Norris. He has got it going ON! And he just turned 69. Below you will see him featured in a very dashing photo. I added the rainbow. Rainbow pride! And the leprechaun hat was just a festive touch!

Fun Facts about Chuck Norris:

1. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris beard. There is only another fist.
2. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his right and left legs.

Obviously Chuck will never be Jack. But he does bring something to the table that Jack has yet to bring... song. Below, for your viewing pleasure is the Walker, Texas Ranger opening song. Sung by none other than Chuck Norris! Also included? A montage of Chuck Norris photos for your viewing pleasure. It's worth a minute of your life. I promise.

Monday, March 9, 2009

This Just In: .... I might be heartless.

If you're a regular reader of my blog, or have spent 5 minutes with me... you probably know that I'm not always filled with compassion. Okay, rarely filled with compassion. Okay, next to never.
You also probably know that I tend to laugh at things that perhaps I shouldn't. I can't help it. I find things funny. Even things that devastate others. If you don't want your opinion of me lowered any more than it already is... you might want to exit now. But, if your opinion of me couldn't get worse, or you're as evil as I am... read on.

My dear friend, Brandito, shared this story with me. He knows me too well. I laughed just at the title of the article.

Martha Stewart's Beloved Dog Killed in Freak Explosion

That was the opening to the article. And yes, that's what made me laugh. I told you I was heartless. The article goes on...

Martha Stewart is mourning the loss of her beloved Chow Chow, Ghenghis Khan, who died in a deadly propane explosion at a kennel in Pennsylvania.

Her dog was among the 17 dogs killed in a tragic propane blast that happened Friday during a propane delivery to the elite kennel.

"I am deeply saddened by this story," Stewart wrote in a post on her official blog. "My heart goes out to Karen Tracy [the kennel's co-owner], and I am hoping for a speedy recovery for those [both pets and humans] injured in this terrible event."

It's not funny. I know it's not. But allow me to point out a few things here...

1. She named her dog Ghenghis Kahn.

2. She hopes for a speedy recovery for "those" injured. She then defines "those" as "both pets and humans." Am I the only one to notice that she lists pets first? I know people consider them a part of their family... but, seriously? Wouldn't you wish for a human to recover more than a dog? If not... that scares me.

I know that animal lovers everywhere are ready to kill me. And probably donate my organs to poor dogs in need of them.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Addicted much?

I've always heard that the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Perhaps this is true regardless of your 'oholic' problem. Shopaholic, alcoholic, chocoholic, workaholic... whatever you have.

The other day I saw a guy that I hope is only one bad hangover/walk of shame away from admitting he has a problem and getting help......

I saw a guy riding his bike away from a local convenience store. He was desperately trying to ride in a straight manner on the sidewalk. He wasn't succeeding. Why not???

He had a case of beer in each hand. He was trying to hold onto the handlebars...but that darn beer kept him from keeping a firm grip on the handles. But he just kept at it.

This was sad on so many levels...

1. He obviously has so many DUI's that he no longer has a license.
2. He obviously has alienated all of his family and friends with his drunken rages...they wouldn't even give him a ride to the liquor store or corner convenience store.
3. He is obviously so addicted that he's willing to ride his bike to the store to get his beer fix.
4. He's obviously too lazy and desperate to make two separate trips so that he could properly hold on to the handles and still get a case of beer at a time.
5. I think he might already have been drunk when he went on this little trip. Inebriation is the only way for someone to come up with this solid plan.

As I was watching him struggle with his two cases of beer, the sidewalk, the wind, the bike and the kid coming towards him on her bike.... exactly what I had been hoping for happened...

He toppled over. Yup. I'm not ashamed to admit it, I laughed. Quite a bit. But this guy is no quitter. No way! He had come too far to quit now... drinking beers at home before he passes out in his own vomit was too close for him to give up. This guy got up, checked his beers for damage...and then himself... and he proceeded to place the cases of beer in the basket on the front of the bike.

Yup. There was a basket on the front of the bike THE WHOLE TIME. Why did he try to ride home with a case in each hand instead of using the basket? I refer you back to #5 above.

If you're so drunk that you're willing to ride your bike to the convenience store and get two cases of beer that you can't manage to hold onto and still drive the bike...all the while forgetting there is a wire basket on the front of the bike that could hold the cases of beer so that you could ride home safely?.... You might have a problem.