Purist

Purist
Noun, Definition: One who practices or urges strict correctness

I've often struggled with defining myself. I have spent a lot of time in my life "finding myself" and "looking within" and trying to determine how best to define who I am. I thought it might take me many more years to decide this, to find the truth inside.

And the other day...it hit me...in one split second I knew how to define myself. It wasn't difficult, I wasn't even looking...it was just there. I'm a purist.

More specifically, I'm a French Fry Purist. (FFP, from here on out)

How do you know if you're an FFP?

This is the defining moment... you order french (or freedom) fries, you anxiously await your order.... and the wait-person sets it down....

and the fries are seasoned. Are they kidding me with this??? Seasoned? I ordered french fries, not seasonings on a potato. Unbelievable! They should always give me the option.

I enjoy fries in their pure form... (no, not as a potato) the pure french fry form. A potato fried in grease. Leave your seasonings off it!

Purist...that's me!

My political views

Some of the most frequent questions I get asked are.......

1. "Lisa, who should I vote for?"
2. "Lisa, who will YOU vote for?"
3. "Lisa, did you really have an affair with Obama?"
4. "Lisa, is it true that you were a POW with McCain?"
5. "Lisa, why aren't you running for president?"

In the past I've always replied to personal questions with, "I'm not accepting questions at this time."

But I've decided it's time to answer the people. My answers are:

1. Ross Perot
2. Jack Bauer
3. No Comment, other than to say I do have a dress and call recordings that I am preserving in case I need it in the future to back up any of my future claims. *
4.You'll have to read our joint biography (due out late October 2012)
5. I don't have that kind of time. Plus, if wearing white makes you look fat, can you imagine what the press conferences in front of the white house would do for my figure???


I feel like I'm finally being honest with America. I'm so glad to have gotten this off my chest.
Hopefully America feels like they got the truth, finally!



*Or if the baby turns out to be his. It's either his or Kobe Bryant's...

Deep thoughts and pimping...

In happy and exciting news....the 'shoe carnival' is in town!!! Yippee!!! I've never been to a shoe carnival. I don't know if they make the shoes perform. Is there a bearded lady shoe? A midget shoe? Two headed shoe??? I don't know, but the possibilities seem endless!!! I'm gonna get me some cotton candy and watch the shoes entertain me! It's located where the old Pier One used to be. I don't know why it would be in a retail store environment? Usually carnivals are in a big top tent! Maybe they should get some pointers from Ringling Brothers...

I'm 27 and as far as I'm aware, I've been eating my whole life. I can't say for sure because those first few months are a little blurry...but I think I have. I haven't always had teeth and had to chew my food, but again, it's been a long while of me doing that as well. So, my question is...if I've been eating for approximately 27 years...how do I just all of the sudden bite my lip or cheek when eating? What happens? Who was in charge of keeping my massive lips out of the way while chewing? I think I put Pedro in charge of that....slacker...he's totally canned. I bit my lip the other day and now it hurts all of the time. What was Pedro thinking? He was probably busy keeping the tongue out of the way of my teeth and neglected the lip thinking someone else was on it. Idioto! (That's spanish for 'idiot.' Pedro only speaks spanish. Maybe that was the problem...)

I find it a curious thing when babies go to the doctor for their check ups. I think babies should have check ups...I just think the information their parents come out with is funny. I find it funny that the doctors rate them according to percentages. Oh, your baby is the 77th percentile in height and the 23rd for weight. I am SO glad doctors don't do that! I don't want to hear, "Well Lisa, you're 1431 weeks old now! You're in the 12th percentile for height and the 476th percentile for weight! Lay off the formula! You don't need to eat every 2 hours, you haven't needed to eat every two hours since you were 12 weeks old. We'll see you in a month!"




One final thought:

Is it just me or does it seem a little presumptuous to name your child 'Joy'? How do you know they'll be joyful? How do you know that they'll be a joy to talk to? You don't. I think that should be for the rest of us to decide. You don't see me changing my name to Beautiful, Perfect or Funny...do you? And all of those apply. I think my first child will be named 'Spectacular!!!' (exclamation points will be a part of his/her name. I think the name could go to either gender...)

That's it from me this week! Enjoy!

Three things...

1. I started a new job. And there is so much to tell you, but most of it will bore you. Plus, I don't have the time. Or the finger strength. I was recently attacked by a finger eating pygmy...that is a whole other story. Anyway, the most important thing you need to know about my job is that I've found a way to relax when I get stressed. It's in the bathroom. Yup, it's my sanctuary. My first day I was harried and running behind and trying to learn new things and I rushed into the bathroom and on the back of the toilet were the potty protectors...and the company who makes them? "Rest Assured..." Ahhhhh, thank you. I instantly felt calmer sitting on the commode. The stress of the day fell away and suddenly, my mind and my bladder were refreshed. Ahhhhh, thank you Rest Assured, thank you.

2. It's summer...it's fly season. I haven't missed these nasty little creatures even one bit. I don't understand why they are around. They are horrible. They just buzz around looking to cause trouble. I don't believe for even one second that they are innocent. Have you ever noticed that if you swat them away with your hand...they fly back within a second and keep doing it until you are stomping around and waving your hands around (like you just don't care!) and you look insane? Only then, with their mission accomplished, do they fly off to bug someone else. You know what I find interesting? The saying, "She/He wouldn't hurt a fly!" (The she/he isn't a transvestite, at least as far as I know, I meant that those pronouns were interchangeable.) I find it interesting that we say that someone wouldn't hurt a fly in order to show how gentle they are. That saying is, for the most part, a complete lie. We all talk about not hurting animals or anything along those lines...but we will still kill flies. And be proud of it. We made a fly "swatter" and we all use them. And we don't just playfully swat those flies...we kill 'em. I can only hope that one day the aliens don't make a "human swatter." Because you and I both know...they aren't looking to playfully swat us. Our time is up!

3. I realize that I have an aversion to commitment. I don't like to really commit to anything. An emotion, a product, a person, I no likie. When I order a smoothie at Jamba Juice I frequently doubt my decision and choice by the time they end up mixing my smoothie. I think that's a fairly normal attitude. One out of one persons polled have a problem with commitment. (That's 100% for those of you not keeping count.) I realized the magnitude of my commitment phobia when I had a gut reaction to the news that they were now offering plots/dual headstones in our new graveyard. And my first thought... "a dual plot and headstone? Oh, I don't know...what if it doesn't work out? Then you're stuck on the same headstone till the earth is burned up in the last days. And you're dead, so it's not like you can go make any changes, or have his body exhumed and moved to the other corner of the graveyard. Yeah...all in all...I think it's best to just have an individual plot and headstone."