Thursday, October 29, 2009

You had me at...your fake written accent

You know how sometimes there is someone that just "gets" you? No, not in a creepy chase you through the woods kind of way. But, in the "you were meant for me...perhaps as a punishment..." kind of way.

This is me and my BFF. Most people, upon receiving the following email, woudn't know how to respond. Or would just say something normal. Or would tell me what a 'tard I am. But, not my BFF. He just responds in kind.

Lisa: "Ze wezzer iz zo nize"

Brandon: "Eez eet? Eet's shnowink heere.'

Lisa: "Ze same eez happeneeng 'eere too"

Brandon: "And that's nize wezzer? I got snowed on! SNOW FELL ON MY BREAKFAST BAGEL! Yeah, we're through."

We were so meant for one another as bff's. Until he dumped me for liking snow.

He had me at.... 'shnowink.' Unfortunately, I lost him at 'nize wezzer.'

In an unrelated matter, I'm looking for a new bff, if you know anyone.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A product with unlimited uses…

***Due to the fact that the holidays are just around the corner, anyone who may be receiving a Christmas gift from Brandon is not permitted to read this blog entry***

Recently my BFF and I were having a conversation about a D-bag I may have been a bit hung up on. The conversations went something like this:

ME: "Blah blah blah, hate him, blah blah"

BFF: "Uh huh, I know. There there. Hush, really...HUSH."

ME: “Blah blah idiot, blah, smear campaign, blah”

BFF: “I think publicizing his recent eunuchitude would be a good start of a smear campaign. We could call the group ‘Say a prayer for D-bag’s missing balls’ and invite him to join. Better yet, let's make it a cause and raise money to get him a pair of these..."

After reviewing this website...all of my troubles disappeared. Please, do yourself a favor and visit the website. It'll lighten your load. And if you want to spoil your Christmas present... please visit "Merchandise Mart."
Enjoy the gives a whole new meaning to the saying, "grow a pair!"

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Sleepin' with my homies...

During my recent round of crazy illness, my doctor decided that I have sleep let's test for it. If you've never had to do a sleep "study", let me give you the lowdown....
It sucks. Just say no.

We all know that sleeping in a hospital is fun. Typically it's the most fun you'll have in your life. Take the delicious aroma of a hospital...the soft and supple beds...the intimate lighting... and add wires all over your body while you "sleep" and voila! You've got the best dang night of your life.

The upside to this experience is that I met two awesome gals. Mrooke* and Bichelle*. I assume that they work for the sleep lab at the hospital. But I can't be sure
They ordered me to strip and then they put a million hookie uppie thingies on my body.
Let me tell you about the hookie uppie thingies. (and, yes, I believe that's the medical term for them.) They are sticky, sticky, sticky. After they put them on me, my skin decided to have them over for a BBQ. Invited them in and everything. Ended up marrying them. So the next morning when I had to take them skin protested, to say the least. In the end, some of my skin decided to maintain their relationship with the hookie uppie thingies and promptly left with them. I will forever miss that skin.

I think my favorite part of the sticky hookie uppie thingies are the ones that go on your scalp. Yes, your scalp. They use this highly sticky substance that I believe may be used for torture efforts in the war. They put a glob on your head and then a hookie uppie thingie to the glob. There is no way to get this CIA made gluey stuff out of your hair. Ever. I am left with no choice but to pull a Britney and shave my head. I always thought she was crazy, but no. Somebody just got to her with the CIA sticky glue. The glue is amazing. I think MacGuyver would have been on the air for at least 10 more years if he had had access to this gluey stuff. He could have invented so many things to get him out of a bind.

I typically pay someone to come in at night and watch my sleep, listen to me snore, laugh when I sleep fart... but this time? My insurance will pay for it.

*Names have been changed to protect the "innocent."