Tuesday, April 21, 2009

American Idol does Disco!

Last week in a "shocking" twist, the judges chose to save Tiny Hat Matt Giraud. Shocking...no. They can only use one save and it expires when we reach the top 5. It only made sense that they'd use it this week. So that means two go home this week. I hope they keep Anoop and send home his eyebrows.

Tonight is Disco night! Is it any wonder that Disco and Fiasco share so many of the same letters?

1st up is Lil' "Do clingy spandex pants make me look fat?" Rounds
Tonight Lil' chose to sing 'I'm Every Woman.' Oh, Lil'. All I could think was that 'every woman' was hiding in those pants of hers. Her weave looked great though! I must admit that! Her singing? So so. It was all over the place. Nobody knows why Lil' is on this show anymore. Not even Lil'.

2nd up is Kris "I am not gay, quit accusing me, I even have a wife to prove it!" Allen
In a weird twist Kris chose a Donna Summers' classic "She works hard for the money." I thought this would be a disaster. However, I loved it! It's an uptempo number that reminds you of...well, disco. But, suddenly with Kris singing it... I was in a small cafe, with a beret perched at a tilt on my braided hair, sipping a mocha latte, tapping my hemp shoes to the beat. I loved the vibe. Loved it! Kris is my favorite these days. He's won me over, for sure! I know who he is as an artist and I'm loving him.

3rd up is Danny "No, I don't need these glasses to see" Gokey
I want to go on record, again, of saying I do love Danny. I like the way he looks in jeans and I like his voice. However, I think my love affair is over with him. I feel like I see the same thing from him every week. Although, this time, he sang Earth, Wind and Fire's 'September.' Let's just say that I could've waited till September to hear it. I still don't have a clue what he's planning on doing as an artist. Other than I'll probably see him on the christian network praising Jesus.

4th up is Allison "You can't go wrong with leather and sequins" Iraheta
Tonight Allison sang 'Hot Stuff'...definitely a different arrangement than usual. It was good. For some reason I just don't feel like she has the "it" quality. She's got a great voice. But I always end her performances by shrugging my shoulders and saying, "Meh." Tonight had moments of brilliance for her though.

5th singer tonight is Adam "Look at me pretend to be respectable so that conservative voters will like me' Lambert
Tonight Adam chose "If I Can't Have You"....
I just threw up. I did. He didn't even feel himself up or anything. But that shrill "if I caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan't, if I caaaaaaaaaanaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayayayayayayayaaaaaaaaaaan't have you..." nearly made me lose my lunch. And yet Paula was in tears. I am so confused as to why people love him. I just dont' get it. I am baffled as I type this. And, Paula is still crying. Yuck. Blurg. Blech. WHO IS GOING TO BUY HIS ALBUM?????????? And, again, all of you girls out there who are outraged...HE'S GAY. And Paula is still crying...and shaking.
To be completely fair though, it was the cheapest Broadway performance I've ever seen.

Back in reality...

6th singer tonight is Matt "Pleeeease don't kick my tiny hat outta here" Giraud
I don't know if this performance was good or not. Honestly, anything after the shrill vomit of Adam Lambert is good for me. Plus, it's the Bee Gees, yo! Which made me think of Justin Timberlake on Saturday Night Live doing his Bee Gees impression. And, oh, wait....he's on his knees! And he's back up! BTW, did you notice the back up singers? I swear that was 3 Lil' Rounds up there.

At this point, I thought the show was over. When I realized it wasn't over I was like... Who is left? Oh, Anoop! It doesn't matter who sings last...I never remember them. And that's the problem with this season. It's like NONE of them are memorable. Except for shrill bi-Adam. And I try to forget him.

Singing last is Anoop "Do I look less like a terrorist in pink?" Desai
Anoop brought it home with a ballad number tonight...crooning his eyebrows out...but, wait! It switched to an uptempo beat so that he could move it and shake it! And grab his "goodies" a few times! I have bad news for Anoop... You're never going to be Usher. You will never be as cool as Usher. And, as a side note, Usher isn't even cool anymore.

To sum up tonight:

Lil' Stays safe in her under performing big bootie club. She's just trying to fly under the radar before her big finish. Except she has no big finish planned.
Kris only went up in my book! I'm still swaying to the beat with all my cafe/poetry reading friends.
Danny has lost his original appeal to me. Maybe if I saw him be original I'd fall for him again.
Allison was definitely HOT tonight. Mostly due to her outfit. Leather chafes.
Adam again hypnotized America. It's the only thing to explain it.
Matt's tiny hat stayed on his head, miraculously.
Anoop reminded all of us that he's as American as a douche who wears a pink sweater vest.

That's it for tonight, folks! Does anyone care anymore? No. Of course not. This season has tanked. We had the Clay/Reuben season and now this. I just don't care who wins. Wait, that's not true. I hope the final two are Lil' Rounds and Anoop Desai. Maybe Fox will realize there are flaws to their voting system.

Lisa.... OUT.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

American Idol: recap the final 7... Movie night with Quentin Tarantino

Starts out with some really lame jokes by Ryan, bless his heart. And then Ryan calls tonight "historic" and Simon quickly says he would not call it historic. I'm with simon on this one.
(also, they showed a celebrity in the audience...it looked like a really fat version of Jeffrey Tambor, but I don't think it was him. We'll never know.)

And in a new judging twist, the judges are judging in pairs. So one person will be judged by the Randy/Kara pair and then next person will be judged by the Simon/Paula duo. I say we just get rid of Randy and Paula. Simon and Kara can handle it. Although....I'd miss Pauler to make fun of.

So the theme is "movie night" where they get to sing box office hits and Quentin Tarantino as their "mentor."

1. Allison "I'm not a monkey, I promise!" Spanish name.
She sang 'I don't wanna miss a thing' from Armageddon. I like Allison, I enjoy her voice. But even with the wacky hair and clothes...I feel no personality from her at all. Which is shocking. As Simon so kindly said, she's the only hope for the girls left.

2. Anoop "My eyebrows will make love to you" Desai.
Tonight, Anoop went back to the ballads with 'Everything I do, I do it for you.' He's completely given up on fast songs, which I love to make fun of. He sings a nice ballad...but are you going to make an album of only ballads? Guess what? I've heard it. It's called every album Michael Bolton put out.

3. Adam "I don't understand why everyone keeps questioning my sexuality" Lambert
What's freakier than a one legged dog winning the Gold medal in ice skating??? A room with Quentin Tarantino AND Adam Lambert. If anyone questioned what Adam was born to do...he was 'Born To Be Wild!' Pelvic thrusts aside, it was a good performance. I still feel dirty after watching it.

4. Matt "Can I take your order?" Giraud
Tonight, in a surprising turn, Matt showed his gay pride and sang the lesbian anthem, "Have you ever really loved a woman?" Vocally, it was good. But pretty boring. Oh wait...he's gonna rock it...falsetto....and boring again.

5. Danny "I'm not just about my glasses, I'm also a widower" Gokey
An emotionally charged song... 'Endless Love.' To give Danny credit, Simon implied the widower card more than Danny did. It was pretty good. although, the harp stole the song. I just don't think there should ever be an instrument on stage bigger than you are.

6. Kris "I look soooo tiny next to Quentin" Allen
Week to week I seriously forget Kris exists. 'Falling Slowly' was the song of choice tonight. It's a beautiful song. This song suited him SO well and I think it was the best of the night. And props to the back-up singer on this one!

And that's it for this week, folks!!!

Oh...wait...there's someone else??? Oh yeah...

7. Lil' "I hate this show at this point" Rounds
Lil chose to sing a Bette Midler classic... 'The Rose.' Oh, Lil'. Don't touch Bette's songs. Why? Because they suck!!! Lil' did a good job, interesting arrangement...but...I just don't care. I'm sorry. I just don't. I loved Simon's eye roll when Paula was judging her. And Lil' fights with Simon! That's the first time I've actually liked her.

All in all, this week was pretty much the same as every other week.... I can't say that I care who wins at this point! I'm thinking of even deleting my season pass. I mean...who cares anymore???

Monday, April 13, 2009

This Just In: Alcoholics and Shopaholics

It's time for a news update! Today on 'This Just In' I bring you cautionary tales of drinking and spending to excess.

1. First up is a story about when friendly neighborhood feuds go wrong...

BITHLO, Fla. – Authorities said a man threw a vodka cocktail at his neighbor's trailer, but the wind shifted and set fire to two cars, a pickup and a travel trailer in the man's own yard. The Florida Highway Patrol reported that a 51-year-old man got into a fight with his neighbor on Tuesday night and threw the makeshift gasoline bomb.

Authorities believe alcohol was involved.

Really? What made them think alcohol was involved? Don't people in Florida normally throw gas bombs at their neighbors and end up blowing up their own car too? I don't know if I could've drawn that conclusion. I'm no detective, that's fo' shizzle!

2. I'm only posting a headline on this one... I don't need to read the article. This headline is definitely a Spoiler Alert!!!

'Woman explains how shopping addiction ruined her savings'

..... I'm stumped! How could the shopping addiction have ruined her savings? Unfortunately, I never clicked on the link...so we'll never know.

3. Next is another story about the dangers of alcohol...

Police in a Detroit suburb say a teenager has been charged with lighting an unconscious man's pants on fire and causing a third-degree burn to the man's groin. Police in Ferndale, Mich., said 18-year-old Tyler Quick was arraigned Friday on a charge of assault.

Tyler Quick was attending a party at the home of a 51-year-old man when the host passed out.

Police say Quick placed a lit candle under the man's crotch, setting fire to his pants. The man awoke and extinguished the fire. A police lieutenant said Tyler Quick thought it would be funny to burn the victim.

I'll admit it. I laughed, I thought it was funny too. I'm with the teenager on this one! Honestly... a 51 year old man invited teens into his home, gave them alcohol and passed out. Teens + Inebriation + lighter + passed out host = Light 'em up! (....or I guess, technically it should read... 'Light up them nuts!')

I hope everyone has learned something here today!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

American Idol Recap: Birth Year

Last week on American Idol, we lost my home girl, Megan! I loved her voice, but she tanked. She was so glad to be leaving. Every season has one person that you can tell has just been beaten down to the point where they can't remember why they came on the show to begin with. This season it was Megan. She was happy to leave! So long, little bird! Fly free! Caw, caw!!!

Last night was American Idol night! I was too lazy to watch it and blog it last night. so, I bring my recap to you tonight, along with the elimination news!

First up is American Idol's Golden Boy.... Danny "I'm competing with Randy for the coolest glasses title" Gokey.
Danny took a well known song, 'Stand By Me' and I was worried that because it was so well known (and bland) that it would tank. But, Danny chose to really slow down the first verse...which served to only bring you happiness when he sang it at it's normal tempo. When you water the song down to a ballad, suddenly you're grateful for the regular version. Pure genius, Danny.

Second up is Kris "Awww, shucks" Allen!
Tonight he switched things up a bit...no ballads tonight.... he "rocked" it! Rocked it easy listening adult contemporary style. Instead of the big stage, they put Kris in the middle of American Idol groupies. I always find this creepy. Although the performance didn't wow me, I enjoyed it. Side note: I always wondered why his parent's named him Kris with a 'K' instead of 'Ch'. I've figured it out. He was born a hermaphrodite and they wanted to give him a name that could go either way. He's a pretty boy, would have been a pretty girl too. But I'm glad they chose boy. Good decision.

Singing third tonight was 'Lil "Does this leather vest make my butt look big" Rounds.
I've never understood the draw behind 'Lil Rounds. And tonight she was determined to prove me wrong! She took on a Tina Turner classic... 'What's Love Got To Do With It?'.... Unfortch, there was only 'distaste got to do with it' tonight. When your legs aren't as good as Tina's...wear pants.

Up fourth is... Anoop "I was born the same day as David Cook, perhaps that will make me a star!" Desai.
After two horrific up-tempo performances... he decided to shelve his dancing skills and sing a ballad from a stool. But, wait... he's up and working the stage! 'True Colors' is definitely a good choice for Anoop. Because he's colored. Get it? True colors! Anoop is a color... get it?

Fifth singer tonight is Scott "I wanted to be a train conductor but nobody would ride my train because I'm blind and blind peeps don't make for good train conductors" McIntyre.
Listen, I know how bad this is going to sound and I'm going to get judged for it.... but will they please put glasses on him? He's got the wild eyes and when he looks around all crazy like...it creeps me out. Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles, Ronnie Milsap... glasses. For a reason. Andrea Bocelli? Closes his eyes. For a reason. Judge me, whatever. It's creepy.
As for his singing... it was really, really bad tonight. Sorry. But I did enjoy his guitar.

Lucky number six tonight was Alison "I'm not boring, I totally have a personality, see my hair?" Iraheta.
Alison chose a Bonnie Raitt song, "I can't make you love me." I always think a song like that is a risky choice. Any song that talks about people not liking you, about going home...anything along those lines always makes me wonder if it influences people to vote you out. People are very susceptible to suggestion. It ended up being a tad boring, but still good.

7th performer of the evening is Matt "holy crap those were some big ears on a child" Giraud.
I think I enjoyed his performance. I'm not sure. I'll never know. I couldn't get past that tiny hat. It looks ridiculous. He sang 'Part-time lover.' You know, because even with Viagra...nobody can love full time.

Last up was Adam "save the best for last, or save the worst to get cut off by the TiVo" Lambert.
Yup, shockingly, AI ran long and his performance was not captured by my Tivo. I don't know what he sang, didn't see it. And I haven't googled it to watch it online either. However, I still will review it. Adam's performance had plenty of personality, he made love to the camera (and himself), there were some shrill high notes and I still don't get why women are attracted to him...he doesn't need you. He drives a stickshift.

Cut to: Elimination night! As always, it begins with Ryan "how short is he?" Seacrest! ...and pan to the audience where Mario Lopez smiles for Ryan...clearly a man-crush there.
The judges are always harping on the contestants for their clothes or their style...here's what I thought of the judges' looks tonight...
Randy: Why the bracelets, dawg? Nothing shows off fat quite like a band constricting the rolls. I'm considering getting a choker necklace. I hear they are quite slimming. Yo, yo, yo.
Kara: Pretty lady, it's about artistry! Don't show us your armpits. I swear there was a 5 o'clock shadow in those pits
Paula: I love your bangs and you really tried to make that dress your own... but gloves? Off white gloves, no less. I think she thought she was attending her wedding to Simon tonight. It was the only way they could get her to the show.
Simon: No offense, but I don't get why you only have two shirts..that are too tight. I'm guess it's because he went bankrupt at one point, now he lives below his means in the clothing department.

Then they brought out Frankie Avalon (which 90% of the Idol audience has no clue who he is) to sing off tune and make love to Simon with his eyes and nearly fell down the stairs in the process.

Next up: Our favorite..... the dreaded group number! In seasons past, I've always fast forwarded through them. But I watch them this season. I will admit it...I want to see blind guy dance. Dance Monkey, dance! Tonight's group performance only proved what we already knew... NOBODY would watch 'Group Idol' if Fox starts that new show.

Now we begin the eliminations....

First into the bottom 3? Anoop! And the other two in the bottom 3? His two eyebrows! Ha ha! Who will be eliminated next? Anoop...or his left eyebrow....or his right eyebrow???

Before we get the results, we get to watch Flo' Rida dirty up a classic song. I fast-forwarded through it.... till I saw that he took off his hoodie. Da-amn that dude is built. Break me off a piece of that!

More results.... Scott is in the bottom 3 with Anoop. Great. If Anoop chooses tonight to blow us all up, the only one watching it is the blind guy. I feel really great about that!
Oh, wait, 'Lil Rounds is going to keep a look out for us too. And now the bottom 3 is complete. The Indian, the blind dude and the black chick. Wow, this looks really bad for the Affirmative Action Committee.

Before we get the final results we get to watch Kellie Pickler sing for us. I just can't help but like her. And whatever she paid for those boobs...worth it!

Can I just say that I'd be fine if they got rid of all 3 people this week? Alas, that is not the case...First one safe out of the bottom 3... 'Lil. So will it be Anoop or Scott???

It is Scott who got the lowest amount of votes. Probably because the people voting for him didn't know the braille number to dial in to vote for him... (Okay, that was low...even for me. But it's probably the last blind joke of the season.)

Now Scott must sing for the judges so they can decide if they should save him or not. Who are we kidding? He doesn't have a chance!

Oh, wait...2 of the judges think we should keep him and 2 think we should send him home. Gee, I wonder who is on which side?.... the judges continue their conference...

And it continues with a lot of uncomfortable mumbling because nobody wants to tell the blind guy that he's going home. ... in the end, Simon has to step in to be the mean one again and say... "You may be blind, but unfortunately I'm not deaf! You're going home!" (okay... THAT was the last blind joke of the season.)


Thursday, April 2, 2009

The sky is falling...

The sky is falling, the sky is falling... some would have you believe.

I got a call from a customer needing to reorder thread today. She also asked if we could rush shipping and I told her it would cost extra. She didn't think she should have to pay the extra because it's not her fault that they need to rush shipping... upon further questioning, it turns out that she would have called to reorder yesterday, but she would have had to use her computer and the Internet and then her computer would have crashed due to the virus going around on April Fool's day.

Fool's day indeed. Seriously lady? Unfortunately, ma'am, you're going to have to pay for the rush shipping. We only cover shipping for acts of God. Not acts of sheer stupidity.

Before you ask...yes, she said it could be worse than Y2K. I would hope so, since Y2K passed without much incident. I don't know where she's getting her information. But I told her I understood her frustration and that we're all making sacrifices in this economy and with the war on terror.

Fool's day...indeed.