Thursday, May 27, 2010

This Just In: Acquitted, adandoned and vomited upon

It's that time again... I've been reading the news. It happens fairly infrequently, but when it does it always reminds me not to do it again any time soon!

The first story caught my eye with the headline:
"Man acquitted in death of Policeman"

That intrigued me. Typically, cop killers are punished pretty severely. I went on to read the rest of the article... here is an excerpt...

A Philadelphia man was found not guilty of murdering a policeman who died 41 years after the defendant shot him.

Ummm, back up? What was that? Here are the facts of the case:
William Barnes, now 74, shot Walter Barclay in 1966. Barclay died of a Urinary Tract Infection in 2007. Barnes served 16 years in prison for Attempted Murder after the shooting. The jury acquitted William Barnes after a week-long trial in which prosecutors tried to argue there was a chain of direct causation between his shooting of Walter Barclay in 1966 and Barclay's death from a urinary tract infection in 2007. The defense maintained that any links between the shooting and Barnes' death were broken by three car accidents, two falls from his wheelchair and neglect by nursing home staff, all of which could have contributed to ending his life.

Is it just me? Do Philadelphia prosecutors have nothing better to prosecute? Any current, reasonable crimes to charge people with? Clearly, Barnes did something wrong. 44 years ago. And he was punished for that. But you really and truly thought THIS was a good use of time and money? Remind me to commit my next crime in Philadelphia...because they won't get to it for another 40 years and I plan on being dead by then!

Next up... I bring you the tale of a sleeping passenger...

"Woman Suing After She Fell Asleep On Plane"

Ginger McGuire was aboard a United Express flight from Washington, DC to Philadelphia. She says she fell asleep during the flight. It landed shortly after midnight Tuesday but no one woke her up until a cleaning crew found her four hours later. McGuire told reporters, "I fell asleep on the plane and next thing you know I wake up, it's 4:00 in the morning. Nobody's on the plane. Nothing." McGuire has hired Geoffrey Fieger who is filing a lawsuit for false imprisonment, emotional distress and negligence.

Uhhhh...Pardon me? I have a tough time falling asleep on a flight in the first place. It's bumpy, there is a lot of noise and light, people are always moving around, etc. Not only did Ginger manage to fall asleep.... she slept for 4 hours following the flight. I think her real concern should be whether or not something is medically wrong with her. Sure, it does bring up a valid question of why the flight attendants didn't wake her upon arrival. But, are they her mother? I think not.
"McGuire has hired Geoffrey Fieger who is filing a lawsuit for false imprisonment, emotional distress and negligence."

Negligence...maybe. Not as negligent as she was, but maybe. Emotional distress? You were asleep the whole time! You were the exact opposite of distressed! False Imprisonment? I don't think so. I'm positive the Captain removed the 'Fasten Seat Belt' sign. Any imprisonment was her own doing.

Remember a minute ago when I said to remind me to commit my next crime in Phillie? I take it back. Turns out they prosecute current crimes too...

"Man admits to vomit assault at Phillies game"

21 year old Clemens stuck fingers down his own throat to induce vomiting, which he expelled all over a father and daughter after they had a fight during a Phillies Game.
I don't have anything clever to add...this one stands on it's own!

Thanks for joining me for this version of "This Just In" Readers! Till next time!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

More advertisements...

I've seen more marketing at its finest, folks! Advertisements abound all around us... and sometimes, they make us laugh...unintentionally.

Earlier today I passed a company that was selling hot tubs. They've got a million signs telling me to come look at their hot tubs and buy one today!!! And then their marketing genius at work... a GIANT inflatable duck. Sitting on a hot tub. It was too big to even fit in the hot tub, so it just sat on top of it. How many times have you seen ducks and gone... "Ahhhh, THAT'S the life. If only I were a duck. Sigh. If only."
I know I sure have.

This one was a personal advertisement, not for a business. But I saw a car the other day and written on the back window were the words "Just Divorced!"
I don't know if this was an announcement, a celebration or a personals ad. If it was a personals ad... great idea. I think I'm going to write on my back window,
"SWF seeking tall, dark and handsome. Must not live with mom OR in prison, have own transportation and willingness to commit to more than your goldfish."
On second thought, I might need a bigger window.

I was at the store the other day, and they had much of the parking lot sectioned off. There was a company there, redoing the lines in the parking lot. Apparently it's a business. They specialize in "striping." Their name? All Star Striping. Great. I know they're all-stars in the business and that they are excellent at painting stripes!
Here's where things get a little unfortunate... On the sides of their vehicle, advertising their business it clearly said, "All Star Striping" so you'd know who they were and how to get in contact with them. Unfortunately, on the back of their truck, it read "All Star Stripping."
I'll be honest, I'm more inclined to call All Star Stripping than All Star Striping.

Receptionist: "Thank you for calling All Star Striping, how may I help you?"
Me: "Uh, yeah, do you guys do bachelorette parties?"
Receptionist: "Excuse me? You want us to paint stripes on a bachelorette?"
Me: "I guess if that's part of the package. I've never seen a stripper who paints stripes, but it sounds interesting."
Receptionist: "We're STRIPERS, not STRIPPERS!"

One letter. You add a 'p' and it makes ALL the difference.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Advertising at it's finest...

Advertisements are everywhere. Big, small, flashy, boring, funny... they're everywhere. Some are more effective than others, however.

There's a billboard in Utah for a gas station/convenience store called Guads. They're billboard avertisement reads...
"I get gas at Guads!"
Uhhhh...remind me not to try their hot dogs.

I recently passed a bank in town that has one of the light-up screens. In big, flashing letters it read, "You should smell like dirt"

I'm sure that tag line must have intended to come after something else or before something else? But I sat through an entire red light and it never changed... it never flashed anything else. Just the fact that I should smell like dirt. I'm not sure why I should smell like dirt, what that has to do with a bank or why they care for me to smell like dirt. But, they sucked me in, for sure. I'm going in on Monday, with a pile of dirt and I'm going to try to deposit it into my account. I'll be rich! Filthy rich! No, literally,'s dirt...get it?