Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Weekend at Bernie's: The Retirement Years


On April 6th, 2010 I brought you the feel good story of the year...

"In UK news.... two women, ages 41 (daughter) and 66 (mother), were arrested after they tried to smuggle a corpse onto a flight from London to Berlin. The women placed the man, their relative, into a wheelchair and covered his face with sunglasses in an attempt to get him aboard the flight. They are being charged with "suspicion of failing to give notification of death." To be fair, maybe they didn't know he was dead. 91 year old men aren't that lively. I want to know what their end game was.
I just want to know what their explanation was. "Didn't know he was dead... he's been that way for years."
Or, "Oh, THAT'S what that stink was...I just thought he was extra flatulent today..."
Or, they could have been filming a movie sequel; 'Weekend at Bernie's: Bernie takes Europe!'
'Weekend At Bernie's: The Retirement Years'
There are all kinds of plausible explanations. I want to hear their side of it."

As you may have noticed, I ended my tale with "I want to hear their side of it"... well, I wanted to bring you an update. The wife of the 91 year old corpse has come out to tell her side of this story. And it suddenly all makes SO much sense.

I'm not making this up, this is a direct quote: "I'm not a smuggler. My Willi only died at the airport. He suddenly looked so lifeless, like a wax figure. His fingernails turned blue all of a sudden. At home he was still warm -- I swear!"

Oh. Well, that explains it. I've seen the security lines in airports, I wouldn't go back to bury my husband and then have to stand in THAT line again either. Security lines are getting ridiculous these days.

I imagine their trip went something like this...

Daughter: "Well, we have a little time before our flight, I'm going to run over to Starbucks and grab a latte. You guys want anything? Mom? Dad?"

Mother: "I'll take a white chocolate mocha."

Dad: "....."

Mother: "What was that honey? Do you want something? Honey???"

Daughter: "Dad? Daaaaad? He looks kinda pale...feels a little chilly..."

Mother: "Well, he was warm when we left the house. But I don't feel a pulse now."

Daughter: "We already bought his ticket home. When I get our lattes I'll see if I can get some sunglasses, a hat and a scarf in the souvenir shop and we'll just bring him home on the flight and deal with this later."

Mother: "Good plan. Oh, also, get me a Cinnabon."

Dad: "...."

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