Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Journal my Tweets, please!

I've always been told to keep a journal. I've started at least a dozen in my life. I've yet to ever fill up a journal though. Typically there are 5...maybe 10 entries. I start writing and my hand gets a cramp and suddenly nothing seems that important.

Then came online journaling. You could just type your journal and print as needed! I just don't have that level of commitment. My life is fairly boring to live, let alone write about.

You're supposed to journal so that your posterity can learn from your life... uh, first of all, I don't have any posterity. Secondly, if they're learning from my life all they need to do is read warning labels. All of them were based on me.

While I may not have the ability to stick to writing in a journal, or the commitment to online journaling... there was something I could commit to. Twitter. All it asks is that I tell it whatever I'm thinking in 140 characters or less. So, consider Twitter my journal for my posterity. Below is my journal, beginning October 20th, 2008 to present. It's actually quite frightening when you read them individually. There's a few gems in there, but I'd say 97% of them don't make sense out of context. Or in context. If I could even remember what it was. you go, Posterity... here is 20 months of my life, summed up in Tweets.


is going to join the CIA, for all of the on-the-job perks!

says we're all friends. On the surface, where it counts.

wonders why you sentence someone to life in prison PLUS 25 years. Can you really enforce the PLUS part?

have seen a lot of people who are dressed up as ugly people with bad hair for Halloween...interesting...

says the sunset is so pretty and it's PINK just for me!!! Thanks for making life pretty for me, nature! F

says we always had a choice. We could shoot her and bury her body in the woods. That's a choice!

is engaged in an all-in, high-stakes game of war with her body. There can only be ONE winner. Spoiler alert: I'm not winning.

wonders why "flaky" is such a bad quality in a date, but such a good quality in a crust.

is in the market for a glass eye... preferably green. If you know of a good deal on one, just let me know!

...confidence: it's the food of the wise man, but the liquor of the fool.

thinks group therapy would be a great way to meet know I love me some crazies!

's horoscope today reads: "Think with your head, not with your genitals."

says trust me, you do not want to work in outer space. Nope. You just spend your whole day chasing floating poop.

got hit on by airport security. Surprised he didn't frisk me. He said he's hoping to see me when I return.

thinks 'Kenny Chesney' and 'Greatest Hits' is an oxymoron. The album must be blank.
just watched a dog run into a guy on a bike and knock him his bike, into the sprinklers. Made my day.

is considering a career as a "phone actress." Hours are great, pay is good, don't have to do much. Perfect!

says...the problem with 'speculation' is that you make a 'spec' out of 'u' and some guy named 'lation.'

is visiting Arizona and now an hour behind. Can anyone from my time zone tell me what happens in the future?

just spent 5 minutes searching frantically for her cell phone. Found it. Put it in my bra hours ago. D'oh! Look in bra first next time!

is inviting everyone to her "good, old fashioned find the smell" par-tay! Everyone is invited, winner gets to throw away stinky object.

thinks that if your fiance is better looking than you, he's gay. It's a classic symptom of 'fruit blindness.'

thinks that deciding to recycle as an old person is like deathbed repentance. The damage is already done! tempting as his offer for nefarious activities might be, somehow the mullet made the decision for me.

wonders if you wanna be killed with her, or when you're out looking for her? We're all dead, no way out.

really needs to learn how to hotwire a car. It's a good skill to have. You know... Just in case.

hopes Madoff enjoys his 150 years in prison. I think anything after 100 will be a breeze! You can do it Madoff!

thinks playing dead is a really risky tactic.

is finalizing her plans to move to Alaska, get a pink boat and name it 'Ice Princess' and star on Deadliest Catch!

is it just me, or is 'DEBBIE DOES FREIGHT' a really bad name for a reputable business?

how dare you call me a racist? A homophobe? Maybe. Distrustful of Spaniards? Who isn't? But nobody calls me a racist!

Just saw a man with a beard, in a skirt and lacy top with boobs. Come on. Pick a gender.

Why must the inside of my car feel like Satan's lair?

You say potato, I say vodka.

will not have this argument with you again. You are not now, nor will you ever be, a fish.

is wondering if it's possible to find a date by Twitter alone.

Thinks man on moped = douche.

Yes, I have a life. I have tivo.

is going to open a new restaurant, Tamale: China Bistro.

What is with Whoopi Goldberg's weird sunglasses that she's always wearing on the end of her nose?

...promise me, if we're both single in 29 years...we'll kill one another.

Do bank employees think glasses make them look smart? It doesn't.

is so grateful for this energizing deodorant... There's no end to what I can accomplish now!

would love to carpool with you but I see you're taking Douchemeister Lane and I'm not going that direction.

has such a hard time knowing if she's being hit on or not. Especially when it's by a woman.

is nothing without the interweb.

thinks everything in Mexico is a dollar because they're having a going out of country sale.

always wants Ihop in the middle of the night. "Welcome to Ihop, how may I hop you?"

has touched fives of tens of people with her amazing personality.

wonders if going out for Slurpees at 3am is a bad idea.

just learned there's a tornado simulator at the mall. This seems retarded.

will just go ahead and sleep in while you do the Ironman Triathalon...

doesn't understand her lack of fame.

thinks you never forget how to laugh...unless you've suffered brain damage.

wonders if it's wrong to spy on someone if you know you won't get caught?

hasn't been keeping exact scores, but I'm pretty sure I won.

is going to be so angry when her mood elevators wear off.

wonders how it can be eleven and I haven't gotten any texts? That's unpossible! Phone must be broken.

says it's an illusion. A trick is what a whore does for money.

is sorry I'm late, but I wanted to miss most of this occasion.

wants to make a difference in someone's life. Good or bad. I could go either way on this one.

knows right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.

has a serious case of "you don't appear to want me as much so now I want you more-itis"

thinks there is a big difference between Muslim and muslin. And when one is used when the other is's hilarious.

is going to have to start drinking 5 hour Energy every 3 hours for it to remain effective, me thinks.

is going to have really curled up toes when she's old.

loves that a guy just asked her if her eyes were real. Hmmm. Nope, glass.

... Dear Universe, I despise you. Love, Lisa Marcell

thinks microwaves are of the devil. It's the only reasonable explanation.

thinks if you're being quoted on a murder investigation you shouldn't use the word "Friggin'!"

‘s day started out with a spider attack. I don't think it's going to get any better, either.

thinks it's absurd that it's 2010 but we can't get a decent looking fax!?!

thinks it's time to get her life in order...ish.

has never seen an Asian with a big ding-a-ling. Must not exist.

thinks when you join a suicide pact, you should be sure of the other person's mental status and timetable expectations.

says: if slapping you is wrong, I don't want to be right.

wants to thank you for giving weight to my argument that all men are inherent dillholes.

says if you're driving the "I want to get in their pants" truck, it has a lot of blind spots.

wants you to calm down. It was a victimless crime. Like public indecency.

has just been upgraded to a king size bed, jacuzzi tub, presidential suite in hell. Woot Woot!

this just in... Your tongue is fat too!

this might be my bad mood talking... but I kind of wish you were dead.

Rue McLanahan is gone...the Golden Girls' section in Heaven's cocktail bar is getting crowded! Stay strong Betty White! You're my last GG!

wants to know what happened to tennis socks with pom poms on the back? There ain't nothin' wrong with those!

opened the cabinet and glasses flew out at me. Is someone trying to kill me? If so, why aren't they better at it?

loves that our local news continues to prove why it's only local.

doesn't have the commitment to be a serial killer.

thinks there's regret, like I shouldn't have eaten so much cheese. And then there's REGRET.

s looking for her cyanide capsule. Have you seen it? Oh, there it is. Wait...that's a tic tac.

's fortune cookie: "You will not sucks forever."

owes so much to the massive chip on her shoulder.

has a real fear of suffocation by her own boobs. It could happen.

thinks real men carry a knife on their belt... But then again, serial killers probably do too.

says everyone knows that the first step towards recovery is narcissistic and vaguely hostile paranoia.

's twitter cycle: Tweet, tweet, tweet again, tweet more, tweet worse, stop tweeting, regret tweets, swear never to tweet again. Wait. Tweet. Repeat.

may have exaggerated her interest in you by implying she had any at all.

thinks the road to hell looks just like a Walmart parking lot.

...uh, Mr. Emo cashier? Your fly is down. Not so apathetic now, are you?

looks sooooo pretty in denial.

would be more outdoorsey if they didn't keep the bugs and dirt out there.

thinks that as far as personality glitches go, killing his last girlfriend is a pretty big one. It may possibly be a red flag.

thinks if there is such a thing as reincarnation, I was never Japanese. None of that crap is ringing a bell.

wonders why people are always saying that alcohol doesn't solve your problems. Neither does milk, but we're sure gulping that down.

says, "You're welcome, America!" For everything I am and will be. You are welcome.

just came up with a new reality show called "You done me wrong!" It's going to be a runaway hit...if anyone ever produces it...

is a professional comedian, if you don't count the fact that I don't get paid for it.

thinks commas make all the difference. "Don't drive stupid!" OR "Don't drive, stupid!" I prefer the latter.

believes in love at first sight. So much so that I don't even look homeless men in the eye. Can't risk it.

has settled on a career path! Dramatization Actress.

wonders how long I would be on hold if my call WASN'T important to them?

tells herself she's deplorable. My self seems unconcerned with that.

would make a terrible optimist.

heard hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anyone who "rested to death"?

........Well, there's my journal, posterity. 20 months of my life, summed up in Tweets. I can't help but think my life has been wasted....and if you read all of those, I wasted your life too. You're welcome!

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