Friday, December 19, 2008

Annoyingly honest heart beats with torture...This Just In!

Happy Holidays readers!

I'm taking time out of my busy Holiday schedule to bring you the news I find most important!
True, the Blagojevich drama has been fun for all of us. And I must admit I laughed at his first public statement that was released today...

But that's not what brings me to you today, Readers!

Today I am trying to gain enough support so that our legislators will listen to us and perhaps pass the same law that a city in Michigan just did...

Ticking someone off could get you a ticket in one Michigan city. The Brighton City Council on Thursday approved an ordinance allowing police in the Livingston County community to ticket and fine anyone who is annoying in public "by word of mouth, sign or motions."

FINALLY! I've been trying to do something about annoying people for years. I usually take to violence as the answer, but perhaps this is better.

Next up... accident,'s fate you moron! What am I talking about? The first time you run across a load of cash that isn't turn it in. The second time? Fate is telling you to keep it!

A Maine man found a wallet stuffed with cash on the floor in a home improvement store. Two days later, he found a loaded money bag in the same store. Gil Steward was shopping Tuesday at The Home Depot in Auburn when he spied the wallet, which was stuffed with nearly $1,000 in $100 bills. He returned it to The Home Depot store's service counter, and it was returned to a very grateful owner.On Thursday, same hour and same store, Steward saw a green money bag on the floor. Again, it was returned to its rightful owner.

Seriously. The first time you were being tested and tempted. The second time? It was fate.

Next Up...

Shocking study finds that most will torture, if ordered. Some things never change. Scientists said on Friday they had replicated an experiment in which people obediently delivered painful shocks to others if encouraged to do so by authority figures.

Seventy percent of volunteers continued to administer electrical shocks -- or at least they believed they were doing so -- even after an actor claimed they were painful, Jerry Burger of Santa Clara University in California found.

"What we found is validation of the same argument -- if you put people into certain situations, they will act in surprising, and maybe often even disturbing, ways," Burger said in a telephone interview. "This research is still relevant."

I don't think we needed a research study to figure this out. I would torture someone, even if I wasn't ordered. And probably even if I was ordered NOT to torture them. Torture is a means to an end, people! And if I need to torture someone to get TV Spoilers for my favorite tv shows... I would do it.


Pathologists puzzled by heart found at a car wash...

PAW PAW, Mich. – Pathologists who examined a heart found this week at a southwestern Michigan car wash still haven't determined whether it came from a human or an animal. They plan to submit the organ for DNA testing in an effort to find out once and for all. The owner of Soapy's Car Wash in Paw Paw discovered the heart Monday on the floor of a manual car wash bay.
Local doctors said it's about the size of a human heart, but they couldn't tell for sure whether it actually came from a person.

My first concern (of course) is... what was a human OR animal heart doing in the car wash? More importantly... I can save them several weeks, man-power and money in DNA testing. It's obviously a dog heart, not a human heart. How do I know this? Uh, hello... it was found in PAW PAW, Michigan. Paw paw...hello?! Paw? Dog PAW??? Dog heart!

That's all for today, Readers! I hope you feel like you're more informed about the world around you! Happy Holidays!


Rae said...

I just don't know how I'd get along without your great news items. I especially love the Dog--oh, PawPaw story!! LOL.

Lonna said...

Ah Lisa, I wonder what would we learn if we didn't have your news columns to keep us on our toes!
I do know that if I find a wallet, turn it in, but a bag....keep it. got it. thanks for that.

Shawna said...

That's where I left my heart! I've been looking for it all over! I should give the police in Paw Paw a call.

Breann said...

I am moving to Michigan and be coming a cop so that I can ticket all the annoying people. I have always wanted to do that. Now I have the motivation to get out there.