Friday, August 22, 2008

Spider Assassination Attempt...again.

As mentioned in the 'Bat' blog entry, here is the spider story from work...

There are key players in this blog entry and they are as follows:

Lisa- Victim
Amber- Laughing bystander
Ali- Evil Spider Lady
Bruce- Villain masquerading as a hero

So the story begins...

It was just another day in paradise at the local embroidery company, everyone working diligently, and business humming along. Lisa was sitting at her desk when suddenly Ali came up behind her and placed an empty box on Lisa's head. Silly little prank...harmless, so she thought...until Lisa noticed that there was a SPIDER in the "empty" box! Lisa immediately grabbed the box off of her head and threw it against the wall....and ran across the hall to Bruce/Amber's office...

Lisa pulled herself together and told Bruce in a calm, rational, grown-up manner that there was a spider in her office and would he please have a look when he got a moment? Thanks so much................

Okay, who am I kidding??? We all know I ran across the hall in a panic. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak, all I could really get out was... "'s going to kill me...please...." Then I passed out and had to be revived with smelling salts. What did Amber do? Laugh at me the whole time.

Bruce, being the "hero" at this moment in time, went across the hall and appeared to diligently search for the spider. He was being my hero! My rescuer! He fulfilled his blue* duties very well.
Looking back on it...after his later behavior, I think he just went into my office and sat there for a while. I doubt he actually looked for the spider at all!

But, at the time, I had no way of knowing of the evil lurking inside him. I thought was just being an amazingly helpful man and that he was trying to solve my problem. Not true. But I didn't know any better.
Bruce came back across the hall and told me he had looked, but to no avail. The spider had disappeared.**

I spend the next 20 minutes in the other office trying to make myself believe that the spider wasn't just laying in wait in my office...waiting to kill me. I convinced myself I was just being silly and that I should go right back to my office and act like a grown up!!! So, I hesitantly and timidly walked back to my office...on the look out the whole time...I looked on my chair, my desk, the walls, the spider...Bruce is's gone...I need to just calm down.

And then all of my fears were confirmed. I was right all along. It was just waiting to destroy me!!! It was waiting UNDER MY IPOD!!!!!!!!!! How dare it?!

Here is a victory for me: I smashed the little beastard! I killed it! I felt good about what I had done and wanted to share my victory with someone that I thought was a helpful hero... but, no, he isn't. I went and told Bruce and he reminded me that there were more spiders where that one came from. Also, he felt the need to torment me the rest of the day by telling me how spiders will drop from the air vents and ceilings to attack me, so I wouldn't be safe anywhere.
What a gem, eh? He's from the devil, obviously.

For now, I survived another spider assassination attempt. I should be on that TLC tv show called, "I shouldn't be alive!" And I can tell my harrowing tales of my near death experiences with these spiders. I truly am a miracle. I'll be signing autographs later.***

* Blue refers to the duties I believe men should do. Locate and kill all insects and rodents. Diagnose my car troubles based on the noises I recreate for you, even via the phone. Know the answer to any question, on any subject.

**For future reference: if you can not locate the errant insect/rodent, you must do your best to make me believe you found it, killed it and have warned away any of it's friends. Under no circumstances should you come back without having eradicated the before mentioned rodent/insect.

*** For a nominal fee. (and by "nominal fee" I really mean "for a great, big, fat fee.")


Rae said...

It's just not fair when men abrogate their duties! Shame on him! Bill also just left and now I have to do all the spider and bug killing, isn't that just like a man!?! You'r so brave!!

Shawna said...

Those darn spiders. My favorite spider story is when we found an enormouse spider in the downstairs bathroom and then took a picture via camera phone and texted it to dad who was upstairs in bed. He completed his blue duties and came downstairs and killed it!! You really have a bad time with spider attack attempts. You've got some really bad spider kharma.

Bryan said...

I happen to enjoy spiders. And as a result they don't ever bother me! Well, they didn't used to.

I had a pet spider once. I named him Klmn. Pronounced Kay-le-my-n. Anyway, one of our favorite activities together was tickle fights. Right when I get out of the shower and I'm still not dressed, I would let Klmn walk all over me. His furry little legs would cause me to burst into laughter! He would tickle me so much. It was great! Well one day he figured out that I'm most ticklish on my back. I was laughing so hard I was going to pee on myself. I couldn't control it. Next thing I know I'm rolling around on the floor hysterical with laughter. In my utter amusement I flicked Klmn off of me and onto the floor. He fell right onto my sandal that was laying upside down on the floor. At the height and force that he fell Klmn had no chance. I pray that he felt no pain.

So there I am kneeling on the floor, naked, with Klmn little body on my sandal. Just as I pick up my sandal to take Klmn to a proper burial place, he always wanted his ashes spread over an exterminator as a show of strength, I turn around and see 412 of his siblings staring at me. "It's not what it looks like" I screamed. But the damage was done.

Now I spend my days trying to prove that Klmn's death was an accident. Of course, Spider world doesn't understand. There is a spider bounty on my head for 35 flies. Which is equivalent to about 1 million dollars here. 201 of his sibling have taken a vow of death to bring me to justice. I spend my days looking for proof that it was just an accident. I also do quite a bit of spider volunteer work. All in a futile effort to show the spiders that I mean no harm to them. It's very difficult to fight off bounty hunter spiders with out hurting them. But this is the burden I carry all in the name of friendship.

Anonymous said...

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