Sunday, December 16, 2007

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas...for five years.

Yes, it is true, Celine has left Vegas. For what? We don't know. I can only assume she's taking time off to have Renee cloned so she can actually grow old with someone who isn't dead by the time she's 45. Although, I could have sworn her father....err, her husband was already a clone.

Anyway, back to the distressing news...Celine's Vegas run is officially over. Five years, $400,000,000 earned, 716 shows and 11 standing ovations later...Celine, 'The Best Singer In The World' (her words, not mine), has left Vegas. And to think, I never even saw the show.

THANK GOODNESS. I can't keep this charade up any longer! I hate Celine! To put it in her native tongue, Je déteste Celine!!!

Who are these freaks who went to her last concert, you may ask?

One lady (whom I can only assume is single, will remain single for all of eternity, is a closet lesbian and owns 32 cats) has seen the show over 100 times!
There was the co-dependant couple who enabled one another and paid $15,000 for front row tickets. May God bless us all and make them sterile.
Then there was the man ( I use that term loosely) who moved to Vegas from Uzbekistan just to be closer to his idol. I'm pretty sure he will try to kill Renee just so he can have Celine to himself. Luckily, Celine has cloned Renee and won't even notice he is gone. But I do think it'll make a nice Lifetime 'Movie of the Week'!

And then there were the "celebrities." D-list, at best, I'd say closer to N-List (Not-really-Celebrities-list.) Robin Leach, Mia Michaels and Criss Angel. Boy, I would have paid top dollar to meet those three. How could one theater hold so much celebrity!!! Lucky, lucky theater goers.

All I can tell you is that it is now safe to go to Vegas again. Finally! We can take Vegas back from Celine and her followers! We are Freeeeeeee! Suck on that, Celine!

10 comments:

Celine said...

Dearest Lisa,
Kiss my firm French/Canadian buttocks.
Love, Celine
P.S. Don't you think it's funny that my name is really Feline with a C?

Edna Deveraux said...

As a cat-loving closet lesbian (coincidentally of French-Canadian origin), I must take offense at some of your unwarranted snarkiness, but I do agree that Céline Dion is one big dreadfully annoying bitch.

***This comment is sponsored by Budweiser***

Celine said...

My darling Edna,
You wouldn't know a big dreadfully annoying bitch if it peeled the withered cucumber slices from your puffy eyes and boozily stared back at your sorry sagging face in the bathroom mirror.
Love always,
Celine

edna deveraux said...

<--- walks up to Céline, gets her in a headlock, starts banging her head against the wall, then gives her a backhand, one swift backhand across her hot, steamy, greasy face...

***Budweiser declines all responsibility***

Barbara Streisand said...

Kick some tail, Edna. I've wanted to see that beeyotch get hers ever since she groped me in the ladies room at the final performance of Cats.

Jerry Springer said...

Break it up, ladies.

Howard Stern said...

Get it on, ladies!

Shawna said...

Goodbye Celine!!!! Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend! You have beent he one, you have been the one for me.

In good news, my heart will go on.

Momma Has Monkey Toes said...

Who's Celine Dion? ;)

Anonymous said...

Interesting expos'e. When main stream media chose to saturate the public with the shocking story of Jane Fonda dropping the "C" word on National TV,(as seen on U-tube) you chose to expose the globe to a lesser know, but no less sick and twisted evil, "Celine". (Is her last name a mustard or dressing?)I don't believe there is a greater threat to ideology. She is as degenerate a roll model as your steroid dependant super athlete. (See US Congress for List) She is an egotistical, anorectic, French (Frog)Canadian, pseudo blonde, "sugar daddy" dependent, middle age charlatan entertainer. Her name, Celine is synonymous with "female Dog". In fact, if you visit the dark alleys of getto Canada you will hear street thugs and pimps commonly use the the expression, " I'm goina Celine slap you". Hooray,
for watch dogs like yourself!