Tuesday, September 16, 2008

It's a jungle out there...

For those of you just joining us, I work for a company called Hemingworth. We're revolutionizing the thread world, one spool at a time!***

My place of employment is located in an office building. So, at first glance, you'd assume it's a nice place. Civilized, even. But it isn't. Not by a long shot. It's a scary world in here folks. You've heard about the spider in my office...you've heard about the bat...and those two things alone seem like enough to evacuate the premises. At least, I think so. The fire/police departments didn't agree when I called them and told them the area needed to be evacuated.

Fire Chief: "What is your emergency?"
Me: "I'll get to that in a minute. Do you have any really hot, I mean H-O-T hot, single firemen?"
Fire Chief: "Mam, is there a fire?"
Me: "No. But..."
.....Dead air.... He hung up.

Police Dispatch "Mam, what is your emergency?"
Me: "This building and the surrounding area need to be evacuated."
Police Dispatch: "Is there a fire?"
Me: "No...but..."
Police Dispatch: "Is there a bomb?"
Me: "Not that I know of, but I wouldn't be surprised."
Police Dispatch: "Mam, what is the emergency?"
Me: "We have a spider infestation as well as a killer bat that's after us."
Police Dispatch: "Mam, you are an idiot and you're wasting my time. If you continue to call us everyday with this same story, you will have charges placed against you. Do not call this number again. Even if there is a fire or a bomb. We'd prefer you be blown up or burned to death. Never call here again. Do you understand me?"
Me: "No, I don't understand you. No speaka english."
.......dead air..........

Obviously, there isn't anywhere I can turn for help. I'm on my own. 'Protect and Serve'??? I think not.

After the spider and bat problem we had a stinkbug. That's right folks, a stinkbug. And a more aptly named bug, there never has been. I don't know that I've ever had the misfortune of dealing with a stinkbug before. Did you know that it actually stinks? Yeah, I didn't know either. But it does. Knowing that I couldn't receive help from the proper authorities, I was forced to eliminate the threat on my own. And I did. And it stunk up the whole office, which is apparently what stinkbugs do. I evacuated our office. Thanks for nothing police! I got this one on my own. And to think, my tax dollars pay for their salary.

This place is basically a jungle. The next problem was of a different nature...

We have no toilet paper. And this is not the first time. Am I in a refugee camp? Toilet paper seems pretty standard. But, to be fair, I never asked in the job interview if they provided the toilet paper or if I would have to do so on my own. It's my own fault, I guess, for assuming the building would be equipped with toilet paper. I thought it must be part of the initiative to save the environment! I can get behind that! Go green! I was happy to help. So, I just reused toilet paper. But, now we're even out of recycled toilet paper. And let me tell you people...we don't even have any plants around the office to use the foliage for wiping. Nada.

What is a girl supposed to do??? Well, I had a lightbulb moment. Ding! We're a thread company...use the thread! Duh! It takes about 3 spools, unraveled, to really get the job done. But, hey, we're all making sacrifices for the environment! I can do my part! Goooooo Green! Glad to help.

***I think that should be our new slogan... 'Hemingworth. Revolutionizing the world, one spool at a time!' It should be on our website, on our shirts (embroidered on our shirts, of course), it should be on our mugs (that we don't have as of yet), and I think it should be tattooed on our bosses. I truly am a marketing genius here, folks. Who could forget the brilliant slogan for Ihop... "Thank you for calling Ihop, how may I hop you?" Brilliant. Truly brilliant. Obviously, I have a gift. Some people (mostly me) have gone as far as calling me a marketing genius, and I can't deny it. And after reading this, I know you can't deny it either.


Kimber said...

Thank you for that laugh! I needed it!

Rae said...

I love your thoughts. But it seems to me that both the Police and the Firemen are falling down on the job. Maybe it's because they do not know that you are a princess and how lovely you are. I think maybe I should have a good talk with them and point out their deficencies to them!!

Elise said...

Hemingsworth- A hem a day keeps the blues away.

Brandon said...

I want to see your slogan embroidered on a coffee mug. That would make my day. Especially if someone filled the mug and it leaked through the embroidery.