Gnats

Dratted gnats have invaded our lives. It's ridonkulous!!!

They're everywhere. At one point they seemed to be reproducing at remarkable rates. I was convinced that one of us must be farting them out. It seemed to be the only plausible explanation.
None of the usual causes for gnats are in our home. They are magical gnats. They can appear and reappear out of nowhere! And they seem to be smarter than the average gnat. They know when we're coming for them.

We have used every single suggestion for getting rid of gnats that I could find on the interweb. With the exception of one... they suggested putting on rubber gloves, coating them in Vaseline and running around the house catching them in our Vaseline coated hands. And, to be honest, we would have tried that...we couldn't find any gloves. We were desperate. We would have done it.
According the interweb, gnats are attracted to the sweet scent of vinegar.

We have tried:

white vinegar, which caught ZERO gnats.
apple cider vinegar, which did catch gnats
apple cider vinegar mixed with dishwashing detergent, caught a few
apple cider vinegar mixed with baking soda, which caught the most gnats
apple cider vinegar mixed with bleach, which caught zero gnats
We put plain apple cider in a cup and covered it with plastic wrap and poked it with a toothpick to create holes. The gnats go in like idiots and can't get out. Managed to catch a few.

We poured bleach down our sink drains to kill them.

Shawna burned one gnat with a match. Although it only resulted in one gnat's death, it went a long way towards raising team spirit. ("team" being Shawna and I. It's us against those damn gnats.)

And we used sticky bug traps which resulted in a mass killing. (I would imagine that the "Gnat Nightly News" is covering this mass murder that happened. I'm sure Shawna and I are deemed terrorists on their news coverage. Which I think is highly prejudicial. We attacked because they attacked us first. I didn't go invade their home. They invaded mine! And we will fight back, biotch!!! We're taking back OUR house! Can I get an amen????)

Also, we used the bug zapper we have for flies. It's not easy because the gnats are much smaller than flies so they easily slip through the net, but if you are persistent, you will succeed eventually. The resulting POP sound when they die is quite gratifying. Don't judge me for thinking that. You'd feel the same way if gnats had worn you down. It's my primal right to defend my crib!

Still, after all of the methods...there are gnats in the house. We are going to smoke them out. It might result in another house fire, but sometimes that's the only way to truly cleanse the place.

We will do whatever it takes to get rid of the gnats.

P.S. positive side note- if we smoke out the gnats, it may also kill those bastard spiders that are still trying to assassinate me.

P.P.S. We still can't rule out that maybe they are being farted out of one of us. The only way to be sure is for one of us to fart and the other to watch for gnats. And, as of yet, we have been unwilling to go through with this experiment. I don't like to breathe fart air, so we may never know the truth.