Dear Lisa Marcell,
My left shoe makes a farting noise when I walk. And it just made one when I left the dispatch office at work. Do I go back in and announce that it was my shoe? What if nobody heard it? Then I sound guilty and won't be able to live it down. Or do I just keep going and hope nobody heard it, but risk that they did hear and just think I farted and then left? I'm panicked!
Farting and Panicked
Dear Farting and Panicked,
The appropriate response would have been a timely denial and explanation of your shoe having farted, not your rear. But, too much time has passed and it will now seem as though you concocted the shoe farting story to cover up your loose bowels. Then people will not only think you're gassy, but that you are slow, too.
There are only two options now.
1. Brazen it out, never speak of it again and hope nobody heard it.
2. Recreate the situation and do damage control at that point. How? Go back into the dispatch office and make casual conversation until the shoe farts again. At that point, let them know your left shoe farts. And tell a story about how this same thing happened at church one day, but you couldn't deny it to the whole congregation as sacrament was going on. Everyone assumed you farted and you were mortified. The story will deflect the current farting noise, make them laugh and they'll also be able to relate to you. Who hasn't had a farting shoe incident? Once the discussion of mis-diagnosed fartings finishes, leisurely stroll back to your office, ensuring that the fart noise doesn't happen again. Never wear the shoes again.
Best of luck,