Dignity? It just gets worse...

The first picture? Hilarious. And sad. On so many levels. Her new husband is an enabler, her tiny hat looks like a cake too and her? Well...we all know.
The second picture? Horrible. The mustache? Crazy eyes? Hair? Bad.
This picture...? Horrific. I'm shuddering. I'm sorry for sharing...but it will be burned into my brain till the end of time, so I'm passing it along!





And I think this applies here too...
Nom, nom, nom...

Dignity, Part deux

Although not as funny as 'Nom, nom, nom...'
I had to post this picture too... The mustache is niiiice. If you can't see it well enough, click on it to enlarge. At your own risk.

Dignity

If you didn't laugh...I don't know why we're friends.

I see dead people...

Readers, do you remember 'Dharma and Greg'? Of course you do. Who wouldn't. We all know and love Jenna Elfman. well, she had a little boy that she named Story. Which is cruel in and of itself. However, I just got my first glimpse of Story... the picture below is what I saw... take a look.






I never saw it before but now I know for sure... Jenna Elfman is Haley Joel Osment's real birth mother. Take a look for yourself...



Right? Right??? I imagine that a younger, foolish Jenna got pregnant and couldn't keep the baby and put him up for adoption. The Osment's raised him as their own and neither were the wiser. But, blood runs deep...Jenna and son Haley clearly share the same talent. Acting.

There is another scenario that I think is possible... Haley Joel Osment's career was not going so well, he had not much going on and he wanted to recapture his childhood acting career. He went in for an experimental procedure to shrink himself and capture his child-like cuteness and try again at a good career. Now, Jenna is raising him as he grows up again... to see dead people.

Happy Birthday Dad!

Today is my Dad's birthday... Just had to give a shout out to my Dad! Hollla!

Some things I thought I would share about my Dad today...

1. When I was younger, I thought he was magic. When we were at stoplights he could always predict when our light would turn green again! How did he do it? I was sure it was magic.

2. I believe my Dad knows everything. Either he knows everything... or he is a very convincing liar. If I ask him something I rarely get an "I don't know." And those rare occasions when he does say that...he swiftly follows it up with an answer that is believable enough for me.

3. I'm fuzzy on the details, but when I was a little kid my Dad took me on a ride at the fair and it made me sick and I was scared. After we got off the ride, my Dad won a stuffed animal for me and took me on a mellow ride. Although I don't remember specifics, I do remember feeling like my Dad would always make everything better.

4. I've only heard my Dad sing ONCE. It was a song that says something about... "I don't want a pickle, I just want to ride my motorcycle..."

5. I wouldn't be surprised to find out my Dad leads a secret life. Prime Minister of Canada or CIA Agent or Japanese Game Show host. If someone came to me and told me about this life, I'd probably just respond with... "Hmmm...I figured as much."

6. I'm convinced my Dad is bionic. That strength doesn't come from natural humans.

7. My Dad has ruined men for me. I frequently get annoyed when guys can't figure things out or fix something or don't have the answer or aren't strong enough. Seriously? My Dad could do it. I'm afraid I'll spend my life saying that... "My dad could do it..."

8. One time my sisters and I were saying something about how my Dad knows how to do everything and Tara piped up with, "Dad did let me down one time." I had to know more. She told me a story about one evening when she was driving from Taylor to Show Low and her jeep broke down. She was stuck halfway, on the side of the road. That was the end of the explanation. I was unclear on how my Dad let her down. Tara responded with, "He didn't KNOW I was broken down and needed help." Yup, he let her down once, by not intuitively knowing that she was broken down and coming to her rescue. Shame on him.

9. I think my Dad has the cutest wave. He is such a strong man and yet his wave is so cute. It always makes me giggle. I love watching him cruise down the road in his pick-up, with his shades on and then his cute wave. Always brings a smile to my face.

10. My Dad gives the best hugs. They are so tight. Once I think he might have cracked my rib. But there is nothing better! There is always safety, strength and sureness in his hug.

I love my Dad so much. I am grateful that he is my Dad and that I have had his example in my life. I know that families are forever and I know ours will be. And I am so glad that I will my Dad, forever.

Happy Birthday Dad! I love you!

Confessions are good for the soul...

I decided that since I'm not Catholic, I should start doing my own version of a confessional......

1. I dance in my room when I'm alone.

2. I'd have an affair with Jack Bauer, but I wouldn't marry him.

3. I once found a hair on a piece of cake I bought. I took another bite of the cake after that. I was sickened by my actions. I have shamed myself.

4. I am paranoid that someone will cut off my water supply. I frequently stockpile water, just in case. Sometimes I even take several glasses of water to bed. You know, in case I wake up thirsty but had a freak sleeping accident that left me paralyzed and unable to walk to the faucet. Just in case.

5. I love the smell of books, it makes me giddy. Even old books.

6. I think you can tell everything you need to know about a person from what they buy at a grocery store.

7. I immediately lose respect for someone when they wear velour track suits.

8. I hate velcro. It's an offensive substance. The noise irritates me and it's like you've given up on life so much so that you can't tie a shoe or buy a slip on? Commit to full on laziness and buy a slip on, or tie your shoes. Pick one. Too depressed to tie your shoe? Buy a slipper. Leave the velcro in the kid's section.

9. I have a crush on someone, yeah...like I'm in kindergarten. At least this time it isn't identical twins.

10. I love the smell of new plastic.

11. I map out the exits when I enter a building.

12. I could become an agoraphobic with very little effort.

13. I'm afraid I may be buried alive. If I die, please don't seal the casket. Bury me with it unsealed, and a string around my finger that has a bell on the other end, attached to my headstone. That way, if I awaken buried alive, I can move my finger to sound the alarm so that they can begin to dig me out.

14. I am a big fan of 'pun intended.'

15. I lose respect for a man when he crosses his legs.

16. I am a little hypochondriachal. If I watch ER or Mystery Diagnosis, I exhibit the same symptoms for at least 2 minutes after watching the show. I'm convinced I have that disease. Until I get caught up in another show and forget all about it.

17. I have zero respect for children's television actors. How do that look at themselves in the mirror every day?

18. I love when jokes are over explained.

19. I practice texting with my left hand in case I'm ever in a car accident and upside down in a ditch and I'm pinned down and can only maneuver my left arm into my pocket and I need to text for help. It could happen.

This is confessional tag! I am tagging all of you. That's right...every single person who reads this. I am tagging you to do 19 confessions. Unless you want to do more. Or less. I did 19 because that's what came to mind while I was typing this blog. If I put my mind to it...I could have gone all day. Be grateful I didn't. I hope you've laughed, learned things about me that you never wanted to know and lost a little respect for me in the process. Tag, you're it!

Dancing With The Handicapped Stars...

Readers, I assume you're all familiar with Dancing With The Stars. I watched the first season because it was on during the summer. I missed the next season. But, I watched the 3rd season featuring Emmitt Smith. Why? Because he's hot! Break me off a piece of that! Rarrr. Anyhoo...

The show itself isn't that great. Once they moved it from summer programming to the regular tv show season...I lost interest. I'm not wasting my time on that when so many other shows are on. No way! Put it back on in the summer, I'd probably start watching it again.

The thing about this show is that it's called "Dancing With The Stars" but in reality they aren't really "stars." I've tuned in once or twice in recent seasons and I couldn't tell you who the professional dancer was and who the star was. That's how recognizable those stars are!

But, the show sunk to a new low, if you ask me! They had on Heather Mills McCartney. She has an amputated leg. It's a dancing show. No leg... Dancing... No leg... Dancing show... No leg. ..Dancing with the no leg stars... Dancing... No leg...Dancing...no leg.

I get it. We're an Equal Opportunity society. Everyone is equal! We don't discriminate. The thing is...it's not fair. If you take a person with two legs and a person with one leg and put them in the same competition...of DANCING...guess who will fair better? Someone with two legs. You either end up embarrassing them horribly, or the judges end up making allowances for them and then judge them accordingly. Which is completely unfair to the other competitors!
It's like on America's Next Top Model when they persist in having a "Full-Figured" girl or two competing with the "normal" size girls. They are never going to book the same jobs. It's ridiculous!

I have to admit (don't judge me) I watched some of Heather Mills McCartney's performances. Why? To see if her fake leg would fall off. I admit it! I did. Quit judging me.
And do you know why ABC had Heather Mills McCartney on Dancing With The Stars? Ratings. Because people would tune in to watch a lady with no leg dance. And some people, like me, would tune in to see if the leg fell off.

To top that...ABC has come up with a new star to put on the show. What tops a one legged woman? A blind man! Yes, Dancing With The Stars is in discussions with Stevie Wonder to be on the next season!
I've seen Stevie Wonder perform on t.v. before. He dances to his own music. Do you know how he dances? He sways back and forth in one spot. BECAUSE HE'S BLIND. Doing more than swaying in one spot presents a myriad of problems. Because he's blind. He can't see where he's going. He could go crowd surfing without even knowing it!
And they want to book him as a dancer...for ratings. Shame on you ABC. Shame on you.

And shame on me, because I'll tune on to see him bump into the judges table.

Happy New Year!!!

Another year has gone by. Some of it good, some of it miserable. I have to say that I'm hoping for a better 2009 than 2008. What will this year bring? I look at each new year like I do a blank sheet of paper. The possibilities are endless, it's so exciting...until someone comes along and takes your paper and makes an origami duck. Then you're hosed.

In the past I was never one for New Year's Resolutions. I find that most of them are forgotten by January 5th. Instead, each year I've taken to writing myself a letter. I write myself a letter to be opened the next year on New Year's. I write the letter, seal it up and don't look at it for a year. Most of the time the letters make me cry and laugh. And occasionally, I am shamefully embarrassed at my thoughts. More often than not, I am able to see the growth that takes place from year to year.
No, I won't be sharing my letter with you this year. It's for your own good. Really, I'm thinking of you here. However, I highly recommend that you write one of your own. It's a lovely tradition.

Although I won't be sharing my letter with you, I will share some of my New Year's Resolutions! The following are things I feel are important in the coming year...in no particular order...

1. Spend more time texting. I think this year the highest I peaked at was 4,658 messages in a month. I can do better than that! My thumbs need to train up. In an unrelated matter, if anyone has any thumb casts, I'm interested.

2. Read less. My brain is already full of useless information. You can't take it with you when you die! Or was it that you can't take gold with you when you die... I don't know.

3. Spend no more than one hour online a day. I’m not much of a clock watcher, so it will be hard to tell when an hour is up.

4. Don’t beat yourself up for not sticking to resolution #3.

5. Take up a new habit. Like voodoo dolls or tarot cards. First I must become superstitious and believe in black magic so that my new habits make sense. (note to self, wear a lot of black)

6. Make a Wikipedia entry about me, my life and my future so that the whole world can enjoy me and my life.

7. Spend more time watching infomercials to prepare for 2010’s New Year’s Resolution of becoming an Infomercial Actress.

8. Procrastinate more. There is so much I could have put off if I had thought to procrastinate sooner. Whenever I build my time machine I will go back in time and remind myself to procrastinate now. Don't put it off.

9. I want to put on at least 35 pounds. I am preparing for a movie role where I play an even tubbier person.

10. Find a movie role that will cast me as an even tubbier person to justify resolution #9.

Well, readers...there is some insight into what I want to accomplish this year! Good luck to all of us!!!

Fanilow no more...

It is true. I was raised on the music of Barry Manilow. My mom was a Fanilow...ergo, I was a Fanilow. As I've matured, Barry's classics always remain a hit with me. Who doesn't shake it to CopaCabana? I dare you to remain unmoved during Could it be Magic?! I dare you!
As Barry has aged, his upper lip has disappeared even more. His fake tan is becoming more concerning and his skin appears to be falling off along with his weight. His hair and face and dance moves remind me of a premature baby bird attempting to take flight from the nest.
Even with all of this...I remained a Fanilow. It is a part of my blood. I remain, forever, a faithful Fanilow.
As Barry lost credibility in the main stream pop market, as he was relegated to radio stations of adult contemporary music...he came up with a brilliant idea! In order to regain his street cred, he put out a cover album... Barry singing the hits of the 50's!
It was fine...we're okay with you singing Unchained Melody. Who likes it anyway? But Barry got bored with the 50's and soon moved into the 60's. I was okay with him singing 'Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head' but thought he pushed it a little too far with 'What The World Needs Now Is Love'... but, I let it slide. Barry soon grew tired of the 60's and moved to...you guessed it...the 70's! I was okay with that. He sang 'You've Got a Friend' and who cares if he redid that? And Barry had some of his own classics hits from the 70's. I was okay with Barry in the 70's.

But then Barry did the unforgivable. He did. He made a collection of 80's hits! Oh no he di'int! Oh, no, he, did, not.
I am sickened. How dare he? Chicago? Rick Astley? And Richard Marx? Are you kidding me Barry?!?!?! How dare you?! I can never forgive this. You know what I am looking forward to? 'Barry Manilow sings the hits of the 00's!' I can not wait for Barry's rendition of Justin Timberlake's 'Sexyback' or Gwen Stefani's 'Wind It Up' or Britney's 'Womanizer.'

***I am sorry if this post offended any Fanilows. I almost disabled comments because I was fearful of the backlash...but I felt you should be able to express yourselves too.***

Not funny...

Happy Holidays! I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. I know I did. I had five days off in a row... what did I do with them, you might be asking???

I was sick. Yup, I chose to spend my time off doing what I do best...being sick. Next year, when I can't really remember this Christmas, remind me that I was hopped up on cold pills and a fever.

I don't know what I'm sick with, exactly. I assume it's some kind of plague that they thought was eradicated in the 1800's. But, I brought it back! Yay me! I'm an over-achiever.

I know you've all thought this before, but I have to put it out there... WHO approved cold medicine's packaging? Who is the sadistic son of a nutcracker who thought that was a good idea?
Does he think it's funny? It ain't!

Even when I am fully functioning and feeling well, cold pills are SO hard to open. Cut to me: completely sick, weak from coughing, middle of the night, can't breathe...can't sleep...too tired and achy to move much...need cold pills... have to call in reinforcements to open them. It's ridiculous!
I nearly sliced open my finger one night when I was trying to open the pills for some "relief."

Emergency Room Doctor: "And how did you cut off your pinky finger?"
Me: "Well, I hab a colb anb I was sho tiwed anb coulbn't seep anb twied to oben my phills..."
Emergency Room Doctor: "I've seen it a million times."

Annoyingly honest heart beats with torture...This Just In!

Happy Holidays readers!


I'm taking time out of my busy Holiday schedule to bring you the news I find most important!
True, the Blagojevich drama has been fun for all of us. And I must admit I laughed at his first public statement that was released today...

But that's not what brings me to you today, Readers!

Today I am trying to gain enough support so that our legislators will listen to us and perhaps pass the same law that a city in Michigan just did...

Ticking someone off could get you a ticket in one Michigan city. The Brighton City Council on Thursday approved an ordinance allowing police in the Livingston County community to ticket and fine anyone who is annoying in public "by word of mouth, sign or motions."

FINALLY! I've been trying to do something about annoying people for years. I usually take to violence as the answer, but perhaps this is better.

Next up...

Once...an accident, twice...it's fate you moron! What am I talking about? The first time you run across a load of cash that isn't yours...you turn it in. The second time? Fate is telling you to keep it!

A Maine man found a wallet stuffed with cash on the floor in a home improvement store. Two days later, he found a loaded money bag in the same store. Gil Steward was shopping Tuesday at The Home Depot in Auburn when he spied the wallet, which was stuffed with nearly $1,000 in $100 bills. He returned it to The Home Depot store's service counter, and it was returned to a very grateful owner.On Thursday, same hour and same store, Steward saw a green money bag on the floor. Again, it was returned to its rightful owner.

Seriously. The first time you were being tested and tempted. The second time? It was fate.

Next Up...

Shocking study finds that most will torture, if ordered. Some things never change. Scientists said on Friday they had replicated an experiment in which people obediently delivered painful shocks to others if encouraged to do so by authority figures.

Seventy percent of volunteers continued to administer electrical shocks -- or at least they believed they were doing so -- even after an actor claimed they were painful, Jerry Burger of Santa Clara University in California found.

"What we found is validation of the same argument -- if you put people into certain situations, they will act in surprising, and maybe often even disturbing, ways," Burger said in a telephone interview. "This research is still relevant."

I don't think we needed a research study to figure this out. I would torture someone, even if I wasn't ordered. And probably even if I was ordered NOT to torture them. Torture is a means to an end, people! And if I need to torture someone to get TV Spoilers for my favorite tv shows... I would do it.

Lastly...

Pathologists puzzled by heart found at a car wash...

PAW PAW, Mich. – Pathologists who examined a heart found this week at a southwestern Michigan car wash still haven't determined whether it came from a human or an animal. They plan to submit the organ for DNA testing in an effort to find out once and for all. The owner of Soapy's Car Wash in Paw Paw discovered the heart Monday on the floor of a manual car wash bay.
Local doctors said it's about the size of a human heart, but they couldn't tell for sure whether it actually came from a person.

My first concern (of course) is... what was a human OR animal heart doing in the car wash? More importantly... I can save them several weeks, man-power and money in DNA testing. It's obviously a dog heart, not a human heart. How do I know this? Uh, hello... it was found in PAW PAW, Michigan. Paw paw...hello?! Paw? Dog PAW??? Dog heart!


That's all for today, Readers! I hope you feel like you're more informed about the world around you! Happy Holidays!

Advice by Lisa: When horror turns to whore...

Dear Lisa Marcell,

I am in desperate need of your advice, you wisest of all sage's. I am flat-out broke, and the holiday season has approached me. I would love to get gifts for my family and friends, but don't know how I will earn the money. I have contemplated entering the "female escort" business, or cooking up Meth from Sufredrin. Which do you think would be the best choice?

Waiting on you,
Poor-Whore-Matilda


Dear Two-Dollar Matilda,

The Holiday times are upon us and tis the season for gift giving! Which may leave us feeling desperate for moola! It sounds as though you have several reasonable options at your disposal! Congratulations!
I must caution you against creating a meth lab, however. It sounds easy, and sure, you meet a lot of really great people in the process...but take it from someone who has been there...it isn't all perfect and rosy. Occasionally, meth labs blow up! And I find it impossible to create meth without getting addicted to it. You don't want to meth up your life, trust me.

That leaves us with your second option of becoming a female escort. It can be very lucrative, and again...you meet a lot of really great people in that trade. Unfortunately, people tend to look down upon those in that industry. When people learn of your profession, they quickly try to mask feelings of disgust and horror.

If you want to keep your upstanding reputation as a meth creator intact, you might want to consider another alternative... PHONE ACTRESS! If you've got a home phone and no personal boundaries, this may be the work-from-home business for you! It pays well, you get to use your imagination and you can still be a stay at home wife and mother! The hours are very flexible as men like to get their jollies at all hours of the day and night, so you can fit it around your schedule!

I think for your own safety and reputation, the best way to bring in extra cash this holiday season will to be in spreading Holiday Cheer over the phone!

Happy Holidays, Lisa Marcell

Why didn't I think of that?

Well, Readers, it's the Holiday Season! Once again we are faced with the struggle of finding the perfect gift for everyone on our list! I have found a website that makes it easier to please everyone on your Christmas list this year! It's the 'As Seen On TV' website! These products are ingenious, useful and often have me wondering how I've managed this long without it!


Do you strain when you drain??? Love pasta but don't have the time to watch the water boil? Not anymore! Get the Pasta lover on-the-go in your life the Fasta Pasta!


Is there someone on your list who wants to get in shape, but lacks the time and motivation? I have just the gift for you...
It's an electronic Ab tightener! You wear it around your waist and it tones up your abs in no time! You can work in it, run in it, cook in it or even play in the rain with it! Help the fatty in your life shape up without putting forth any effort!

Is there someone in your life who loves fried, battered food but doesn't have the time to batter all of their favorite fried goodies??? Look no further than the Batter Pro! Now you can batter and fry your food even when you don't have the time! 10 seconds or less!

"The revolutionary way to batter all of your food in under 10 seconds."


My personal favorite? The Slanket! There have been so many times when I've been freezing cold on the couch, but still needed my hands to type, text or hold a book! But, guess what? If your hands are outside the blanket, your arms and shoulders are freezing! But if I covered up...I was committed to laying under the blanket and getting nothing accomplished! Why can't I have it both ways? Well, guess what??? Now you can with the Slanket! "The Slanket gives you the freedom to do more while being wrapped up in a warm blanket!" And doesn't she look comfy? She's able to stay toasty AND read! Thanks Slanket! Readers...I hope this gift guide has helped you with your Christmas shopping this year. I leave you with... The Slanket. Happy Holidays!

I blame Natalie. And I have proof.

Have you ever heard the storyline of that movie 'The Ring'? If you haven't...all you need to know is that there is this scary videotape and if you watch it, you will die within 7 days of watching it. UNLESS, you make a copy of that tape and show it to someone else. Then you're spared, but they are totally hosed. It's supposed to be super scary. I saw it and I didn't believe any of it and thought it was kinda lame. Until now...

Wednesday, December 3rd
My own, sweet sister-in-law posts an entry on her blog about her microwave being broken. She can't heat anything up!
I was sympathetic, of course. I figured it was just a normal blog entry...just a sharing of day-to-day activities. It wasn't. I realize now that much like the movie The Ring, Natalie had to share her story with others so that her microwave could be fixed at the expense of someone else's microwave.

Thanks Natalie. Our microwave has worked perfectly since we bought it. It heats when we need it to, keeps things warm when we need it to and even tells me the time! Suddenly, not too long after Shawna, my Mom and I read your blog entry about YOUR microwave being broken...our Microwave is trashed. No warning. No smoking. No flickering lights. Nothing. It just stopped.

I blame Natalie. http://natalie-smiles.blogspot.com/2008/12/microwave-causes-obesity.html And I think her blog entry was proof enough. I write this blog to not only tell the world of Natalie's evil scheme with her blog, and to warn others not to read it...but I am also sharing this blog entry in hopes that one of you will read it and fix our microwave by destroying your own.

I'm sorry folks. It's every microwave for themselves.

This Just In....ANOTHER story of food abuse.

This is getting kind of ridonklulous! Whatever happened to the good old days where people fought with words, hands and well-recognized weapons? Now it's Macaroni, a sandwich... and This Just In....

MAN ASSAULTS GIRLFRIEND WITH BURGER

A man faces a domestic violence charge after authorities said he assaulted his girlfriend with a cheeseburger. The report said the man would not let the woman out of the vehicle, so she threw his drink out of the car. In response, the man allegedly grabbed her arm and smashed the cheeseburger into her face. The pair got out of the car, and authorities say the man again took the McDonald's sandwich and put it on her face.

I mean, yeah...McDonald's isn't that great. It's usually pretty nasty. But, food in the face? Everyone knows the only acceptable food in the face is a pie or cake. Clearly, desserts are the designated face smashing food.

I guarantee you if he had thrown a pie in her face nobody would be charging him with anything other than clowning around!!!

The most important part of this article is "she threw his drink out of the car."
I kinda think she had the hamburger in the face coming to her. She threw his drink out the window! I'd be ticked! You don't mess with my cola!

People, eat your food. Don't fight with it.

RSVP, plus 1.

One of the annoying things about having such a common name is that so many other people have MY name. It's just not right! It's my name. Until recently, I've never had an email address that was just my own name. As you can imagine, lisaharper is taken on yahoo, hotmail, live, etc... I've always been lisaharper8,462...Until Google came along. When Google introduced Gmail my luck began to change! The fates smiled down upon me, the stars aligned, lady luck was mine. Now I hold lisaharper@gmail.com

All those other Lisa Harpers out there can bow to me! I am the master!

I was elated to have such a simple address. No lisa.harper for me, no lisa81harper for me. Nope. The only down side was that I began to receive a lot of emails that weren't intended for me...they were intended for some other shmoe named Lisa Harper. This bothered me for a while. Until I realized, I just became more popular without having to put forth any effort whatsoever! I get invited to all kinds of shindigs and you better believe that I RSVP every single time! I have a very busy social calendar now.

---On December 6th I will be attending a Taste-Testing party at Delectables Fine Catering
"The Bay Area's Most Prestigious Caterer" Apparently I've been trying to decide whether or not to hold my wedding/reception there. I'm still interested, so I am going to the taste testing on the 6th. It's in Palm Beach, Florida. I RSVP'd 1 plus 3. (the +3 is my husband-to-be, his mom and my mom, of course.) It's so hard to decide where to have your dream wedding, so I am looking forward to this! They promised me a "smashing menu!"

---On December 15th I will be attending "The Body Shop" Open House in Orlando, FL. My dear, dear friend Petra Livera is throwing this little gathering and I couldn't help but support her! I asked her if I could bring a friend and she said "the more the merrier!"

---On December 3rd I will be paying my respects to a Mr. Brian Hubbard in Allentown, PA. At this point it is unclear on how I know him. But I would never forgive myself if I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. Apparently he was pretty old and it was time for him to go. And I hear it was peaceful in the end. I hope it was. There will be a light lunch following the service. RSVP, plus 1.

---My dear friend (or perhaps relative), Regina Hayes has been sending me several emails of warnings and special messages. The most recent:

I found this piece of paper tucked in a book of scriptures in the dictionary section about angels. I know you all know how wonderful and righteous dad was. These words are absolutely precious to me, and know they will be to you too. I'm so thankful that he would take the time to write something so inspiring to his children.

"As the birthdays come and go and life becomes a strand of glittering memories high and low strung by the Father's hand.
May every pearl upon the string be precious to your heart and every memory bring a joy that won't depart.

Love
Dad"

She's right. Dad was something special. I don't know if he's my dad, or uncle or grandfather. Or if I am just a good family friend. But, it was touching, nonetheless.

---And, the creme de la crop... I have been invited as the Guest Speaker of a luncheon at the Ritz Carlton in Pasadena, CA. Included is an 'about me' for Lisa Harper..."Rarely are the terms hilarious storyteller and theological scholar used in the same sentence, much less used to describe the same person…but then again, Lisa Harper is anything but stereotypical! She has been lauded as a gifted communicator, whose writing and speaking overflows with colorful pop culture references that connect the dots between the Bible era and modern life. Her style combines sound scriptural exposition with easy-to-relate to anecdotes and comedic wit."
How could I pass that up? I couldn't. I RSVP'd plus 1, of course. I'm flattered. I hardly know what I'm going to say...but I have time...it's in February.

Thanksgiving Tag

Soooo.... Natalie tagged everyone for Thanksgiving. I'll be honest, I didn't plan on doing it. I'm just that kind of lazy. But, here it is Thanksgiving Day and I have a warm, fuzzy feeling and I thought I should participate. (Plus, it's not often I post seriously.)

Drum Roll please.... (The following are numbered 1-10 but do not necessarily reflect my thankfulness in a ranking order...)

1.The color PINK! It doesn't matter what it is, everything looks better in pink. A normal M&M is good...but make it pink and it is delicious! The world looks better through rose-colored glasses, it is true. Pink makes me happy, it makes me feel pretty and makes me feel like a princess. What other color can do that? None of them! Pink rocks.

2. The Atonement, Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father. I have so frequently taken for granted Their unconditional love and guidance. There have been times when I have turned away from Them, times when I deliberately chose alternate courses. What I know is that Their love will always be there, and that there is always a way back. And I am so thankful for that.

3. My hearing. I know that's a weird one, but it's true. Sometimes I get annoyed with loud noises or rude people when I'm out and about. And then I think about how sad it would be to not be able to hear. To miss out on my niece's and nephew's laughter, to miss out on my family all sitting around the table, talking over the top of one another. I would miss out on so much. I am so grateful to be able to hear the world around me. Which leads me to.....

4. Music! I love music. It is constantly on. Whether I am at home, at work, in the car...music travels everywhere with me. I am always amazed at how I can always find a song that suits my mood, how I can find a song with lyrics that say exactly what I needed to hear. And that a song can instantly transport me into a memory. I love me some music!

5. The ability to find humor in nearly every situation. Many times when it is highly inappropriate. I am grateful to be able to laugh at myself and at others. Laughter makes everything seem lighter and more manageable. I am truly grateful for a sense of humor.

6. The interweb. I honestly don't know what we did before the interweb. Now that we have the interweb, I never have a question go unanswered. If I wonder about it...someone has written about it! It's fantastic. What did they do 40 years ago? I imagine that people were mostly clueless. If they had a question, guess what? They died wondering!

7. Books. What would my life be without books? Well, I might get more done. Who knows. Truly, I am the biggest nerd. I know this. I am comfortable with this. I love books. They transport me to another time and place. And I have the most random trivia in my head because I once read it in some book. You have a lifeline on a game show? I am good person to call.

8. That I wasn't born in Pioneer times. More power to them...I couldn't have done it. Trek across the plains? I just don't see me doing it. I'd like to say I would have gone with faith. But chances are, I would've stayed put on my fat butt. Trek? Doubtful. I am grateful for Pioneer Day though. In Utah we get a day off!

9. My Parents. I cannot ever express my gratefulness for my Dad and Mom. They have time and time again provided me with a sanctuary to come to so that I could find the right path. I have made so many mistakes and at times wondered how they could keep believing in me, keep helping me. But they have. They have provided for me financially and emotionally through trials that they did not ask for. I can truly say that without my Dad and my Mom I would not be here today. I can never be grateful enough for everything that they have done, for the support they have given me. I love them and am thankful for them every day.

10. Hand Sanitizer. You have no idea how much richer, fuller and brighter my life has been since I've been killing 99.9% of germs. There are so many gross things in this world. It makes me feel safer just knowing I'm killing as many germs as I can. I feel like it's my duty in this life, my way of helping the world. Kill as many germs as possible. Plus, the scent??? Nothing says sexy quite like the smell of antibacterial wipes. Mmmmm. I imagine that Mr. Right wears sanitizer as his cologne. Thank you, whoever invented them. Thanks to them, I can actually go out in public.

There you have it...I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! May you all have a warm and fuzzy feeling...in your heart. Happy Thanksgiving!

This Just In... stories of abuse, ripped from the headlines!

Dear Readers,

This time on "This Just In" I am bringing you stories of domestic violence. Readers, can I be serious for just a moment? Abuse is never something to laugh about, and anyone in an abusive relationship should seek help immediately.
All of that being said...I couldn't help but laugh when reading the following stories...

MAN ALLEGEDLY ATTACKS GIRLFRIEND OVER MACARONI

An unemployed man faces a domestic assault charge after he allegedly attacked his girlfriend last Saturday for making him macaroni for dinner. the woman called for help after locking herself in a bathroom.

I know, I know...macaroni is hardly what anyone could call a gourmet meal. But to resort to violence over that? It seems a little uncalled for. I'm just imagining a conversation:

Man: "Hey honey, what's for dinner?"
Woman: "Macaroni." (she answers while draining the noodles)
Man: What? Macaroni?!?!?! I specifically asked for rack of lamb! You will rue the day you ever served me macaroni!!!"

(Woman runs to bathroom and calls 911)

911 Operator: "911, what is your emergency?"
Woman: "He's gone crazy! He's flinging noodles everywhere! One noodle hit my retina and it was still hot! Help!!!"
911 operator: "Ma'am, hang tight, we're sending a couple of officers as well as a K-9 unit to eat the fallen macaroni."

Also, it was unclear from the article on whether or not she also cooked him fish sticks to go with his macaroni. If I was on the jury, I'd need to know if fish sticks were involved or not. It could sway my vote!

Next up...

MAN NABBED AFTER HITTING GIRLFRIEND WITH SANDWICH

A man faces a domestic battery charge after allegedly hitting his girlfriend with a sandwich as she was driving on the Interstate. Police said the 19-year-old man became angry and hit the woman in the arm and face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off.
The victim nearly lost control of the car because she couldn't see the road.

It's been a drive by sandwiching! Was it a hot sandwich? Did it have hard bread? Did he find out she got him light mayo? All of these things would play a factor for me if I was on the jury. For all we know, she tried to take a bite from his sandwich. In which case he had every right to fling it at her. I can just imagine being on the road and seeing a car drive out of control and thinking they were drunk driving...nope...just sandwich driving.

It's all fun and games till someone gets a sandwich in the face! Or a noodle in the eye!

I hope these couples seek counseling.

Secret lover....

It's official...the 24 countdown has begun! Every time we break from the show, I think I can stop any time...I don't need it...I barely even like it... WHO AM I KIDDING??????????????? I watched the trailer and my heart is pounding, I'm on the edge of my seat, I'm glued to the screen and suddenly...I don't know how I've lived without my 24.

Jack.Is.Unbelievable.

Just for fun, here are the Facts about Jack "Freaking King" Bauer!

Facts About Jack Bauer

1. If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

2. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man. (This one completely supports my previous post about Jack being real)

3. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

4. Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd . No one fools Jack Bauer.

5. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys

6. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack 'freaking king' Bauer hates lemonade.

7. Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.

8. Jack Bauer played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

9. On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.

10. It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.

11. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

12. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

13. Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using neither rock, paper nor scissors.

14. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

15. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9% of germs. Jack Bauer can kill 100% of whatever he wants to.

16. Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

17. Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

18. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

19. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

20. It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."

21. When President Palmer started doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".

22. Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.

23. Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

24. Alex Trebek once asked Jack Bauer the question, "What's your idea of a perfect game show?" He replied with, "I'm the contestant and I ask the questions around here." Jeopardy was born at that moment.

25. If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

26. Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.

27. Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been
looking for him.

28. What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

29. Mission Impossible is just another way of saying Mission Without Jack Bauer.

30. When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.


Hope you enjoyed the top 30 facts about Jack! I miss him...I can't wait for the show to start...let the real time countdown begin...

You were always on my mind....

I hope, after reading the blog title, that you have Willie Nelson in your head singing "Always on my mind..." If I suffer, so must you.

So, I've been told that someone* hates logging on to my blog because they no longer want to see the disturbing wedding pictures of Manuel Uribe. And that he doesn't like the Tasmanian Devil ones either.
(*I won't name names, but it was my brother. And it wasn't Nolan. In pig latin, it was ryan-bay. And someone seconded it...again, I won't name names, but it was Bryan's father-in-law)
I must deliver to my fan base, albeit a small one!

I thought I would tell you about a few pressing issues on my mind. (Thus the post title and Willie Nelson song) Here goes...

1. I have been really fed up with politics as of late. I've seen a lot of hurt feelings, a lot of contention and quite frankly...I don't think I've ever hated a political season more than I have this one.
To be upfront, I didn't vote for either candidate. I wrote in Jack Bauer. And I have a previous post about why I couldn't vote for McCain OR Obama. McCain eats babies and Obama was a terrorist in disguise. (read my previous blog for more in depth "proof" on that)

But, no matter who you voted for...the people have spoken, Obama won! He is the President Elect.
(In a side note...how do I become 'Lisa Marcell Harper, Princess Elect'? If anyone knows, please tell me.)

So, I was planning on supporting Obama. He won, he will be my president. I said...clean slate, let's see what he can do! Well, imagine my surprise to find out that the first thing he did as President-Elect was choose his Chief of Staff and that he totally proved my theory about him being a terrorist. I joked before...but his first move is to ask Rahm Emanuel to be his Chief Of Staff? Are you kidding me with this??? He is an Israeli-American who is the son of Benjamin, who was a member of the Irgun, the Zionist terrorist organization. This may or not be true, but since I read it on the interweb, I'm pretty sure it is fact-based. Great. Now we have a terrorist as the Chief of Staff to Barack HUSSEIN Obama. Great.
I laughed at those people who said Obama would ruin our country...I thought it was silly...but the facts are the facts, readers! We're being taken over from within! Run for your lives!!!

Now that I have warned all of you, I can move onto an even more pressing issue...

2. What are drive-thru's for? Anyone? Yes, that's right...to drive thru. Not to stop at the menu and study it as though there might be a test later.
Normal fast-food chains have their drive-thru and you go and order and get your food and leave. Sonic is a place where you drive-IN and order your food and eat there. But, for your convenience they also have a drive-thru. You drive, get your food and drive away. All very convenient.
Except when the person in front of you in the Sonic Drive-Thru is sitting in front of the first menu (not even the second menu with the speaker and microphone so you can order) trying to decide what to order. Hmmm...tough call...such a wide array of choices...what to do? What to do? I'll just sit here and study the menu while cars pile up behind me waiting in the Drive-THRU.
If only Sonic had a place for me to park my car...with an individual menu...and I could sit there as long as I wanted to studying the menu and deciding...while not holding anyone else up...IF ONLY. Oh, wait! They DO!

I know we now have a terrorist as our President Elect. But, really, could we all come together and teach people not to misuse the Sonic Drive Thru? Come on people! Things won't change till we take a stand!

Last but not least, so that you no longer have to look at a picture of a fatty or a tasmanian devil...



You were always on my mind...always on my mind.... Well, that's all from me today. I've got to go research how to become Princess Elect...

This Just In!!!

Dear Readers,

I'd like you to join me for a new segment I like to call..."This Just In!"
This Just In will feature gripping stories pulled right from the headlines! These are stories that I've come across in the news and feel that everyone would benefit from. So, please...take a moment to enjoy the first installment of THIS JUST IN!***

Scientists Join Forces To Save The Tasmanian Devil!
Australia's Tasmanian Devil is looking at extinction, possibly within the next 20 years. Scientists have determined that the Devils are spreading disease through mating season and are dying out from the shared disease. It seems like there is an easy fix for this...more education about STD's needs to be brought to Tasmania! During gym class or health class, I would think.
This is the picture they used to show what the disease does to the Devils...



That sure isn't inspiring me to donate to SAVE the creature. And this picture is a healthy one...



Um, yeah, I would think that we'd be trying to eradicate DEVILS! Is it just me??? The scientists trying to save the devils clearly work for Satan. They must be stopped!


Next up on This Just In!... wedded bliss...

The World's Heaviest Man Marries In Mexico

The world's heaviest man has tied the knot.



Manuel Uribe, who hasn't left his bed in six years, married his girlfriend on October 26th in Mexico. Manuel's new bride has been married before but was a widow. Her first husband died of...are you ready for this?.... obesity related complications. I kinda think she's setting herself up for heartbreak again. For the traditional first dance as newlyweds, Uribe and Solis held hands and swayed to a romantic ballad. Huh. And I'm still single? Go figure.


Well, folks, that's all for this edition of This Just In! I hope you are now caught up on the news facing us in this world! Till next time...

***My name is Lisa Harper, and I approved this message.

Advice by Lisa: Enlarge your WHAT?

Dear Lisa Marcell,

I am a healthy 30 something male. I have no known health concern except for what is called neuroectodermal appendage. My question is this; I recently saw an infomercial that was for "that certain part of the male anatomy". This commercial made a lot of sense to me. So I ordered this all natural herbal product. After taking said product for 2 weeks I started to notice a big change! Unfortunately my neuroectodermal appendage began to grow! (Also known as a Human Tail) It grew 2 inches. This was not the desired affect. So I called the company and all I got from thier customer service department was heavily accented laughter.

Lisa Marcell, what do I do now? Please help,
Livin' La Vida Loca in Logan

Dear Livin Lovita Loca in Logan,

Although growing your tail may not have been the desired effect, fate has handed you something even more alluring than an enlarged member of the male anatomy. During a time of economic hardships and instability, you have managed to turn what was once a slight abnormality into a money making scheme! "When life hands you a tail, make money." I think that's how the saying goes.
Start sending out your resume, including a butt shot instead of a head shot. There isn't a circus in the world who wouldn't want you to join their team! You have a profitable business on your hands....errrr, butt. And to quote my dear friend, Ludacris...
"Shake, shake, shake yo' money maker!"

Good luck in the circus and I hope everything shakes out well for you, Lisa Marcell

Quirks, part deux!!!

So, I have been told by numerous people that my original quirks were not interesting enough because they learned nothing new about me. So, I dug deep...hopefully you learn something new this time around...if not...well, screw you pal. I tried.

1. I hate to chew in the morning. It goes beyond hating to eat in the morning, which I don't like to do either. If I have to eat in the morning, it should be liquid. Because I hate chewing in the morning! Maybe it's that I think if I chew I'm actually awake. Like the saying goes, "As a man cheweth, so is he awaketh." Or something. I don't know, but I hate it!

2. I still wish on stars. I do. It's lame and childish and logically I KNOW nothing will happen if I wish on a star. But I still do it. And I still say the whole thing...starlight, starbright...yadda yadda yadda. I'm still waiting for my unicorn from when I was 6 and my millions of dollars. But I sometimes wish for the simple things in life too. And guess what? Sometimes my wishes come true! Coincidence? Yeah. But still.

3. I am a huge fan of pun intended. I'm also a huge fan of over-explaining jokes. It makes it funnier to me.

4. The song "Smile" (Music by Charlie Chaplin, lyrics by John Turner and Geoffrey Parsons) always makes me cry. Doesn't matter who is singing or how many times I've heard it or what mood I'm in. I instantly well up. I love the simplicity of the message. It's about hope. Even when you are sad, just keep smiling and just keep trying and you'll get through. Full lyrics can be found here:
http://www.charliechaplin.com/en/articles/42

5. When I make a sandwich I have to take a bite of it before I leave the kitchen. When I get a coke at a convenience store I have to take a sip before I go pay and leave. I don't know if it's quality inspection or if I just have to fulfill the instant gratification side of me. Either way...I do it.

6. In my head, there is a narrator. I hear a voice-over narrating the events of my life as well as those around me. I also have a constant soundtrack. If something in my life is going on, there is a song playing in my head. Maybe multiple tracks. And then songs will remind me of particular events in my life. Combine the voice-over and the soundtrack...it's basically a movie up in my head. Very entertaining. And also distracting.

7. I have an obsession with pulling arm hair and chest hair. If I'm having a conversation with someone with hairy arms or they have chest hair poking out of their shirt...it takes serious effort to pay attention and not grab the arm hair and YANK! Sometimes I just do it. Or, today, my co-worker Bruce was talking about something and I said..."Would it help if I pulled your arm hair?" Luckily, Bruce already knows I'm weird and he said it would help and he held out his arm and I yanked. If only everyone let me yank their arm hair. Life would be perfect.

Here a tag, there a tag, everywhere a tag tag...

...
No, not a skin tag. Those are just gross, aren't they? I don't mean to offend anyone out there with skin tags. I'm sure I'll have one soon enough.

I've been "tagged." I don't remember by who (or whom...I can never remember which it is) or by how many people (or peeps...I can never remember which it is...)...but I know I've been tagged and I must answer the call. You're supposed to tell who tagged you, but I don't tag and tell. Plus I don't remember. It could've been anyone. It'd be impossible to know.
So, I'm supposed to tell 7 quirks about myself. It's going to be tough to do this for a number of reasons. None of which I'm going to share at this time. I already have to share 7 quirks, I shouldn't have to tell why it will be hard, too.

#1- I loathe chit chat. I do. I think you should just get to the point. I really don't like running into people and standing around talking about absolutely nothing. I know, I know...this makes me unfriendly or something...but can you imagine all of the time I could save by not participating in chit chat? Running into neighbors/acquaintances at the store, chit chatting when on the phone before the caller gets to their point, talking to the cashier while they ring me up even slower because they can't focus on two things at once... I would have like an extra half an hour a day to watch more TV! Imagine all of the TV I could be enjoying. Instead, it's wasted on human interaction.

#2- I am convinced that all of my fears, phobias, inhibitions, etc are caused by traumas in a previous life. But I don't actually believe in past lives. I want to though. I love the idea of it. It's a great concept. That we keep progressing in each life, some innate qualities or fears we need to overcome. I also want to believe in destiny and fate. I don't. But I'd like to.

#3- If the clock says 2:11 I say "Happy Birthday" to myself! If the clock says 9:11 I have a moment of remembering 9/11 and always wonder if the people who lost someone in the 9/11 attacks think about that every time the clock turns 9:11. And how sad that would be.

#4- I'm always afraid people will think I am better than I am. Smarter, better, funnier. I feel like I should come with a disclosure... like a review mirror. ***Objects in front of you may not seem as smart or as funny or as put together as they appear***

#5- I wait for new music Tuesday every week with so much hope in my heart! Every week I count down to Tuesday...wishing and hoping that wonderful, new music will come out! And most weeks it's a bust. I get so disappointed. But I still go online every Tuesday...hopeful that this is the week for me and my iPod!

#6- I think it's so rude to pay more attention to your phone via text or other phone calls when out with people. But...I still do it. It's like saying, "Hey, I know we're together in person but this lazy arse on the other end of my phone who can only text me is more important..." But I do it, I do.

#7- I clean up after myself in a restaurant and wipe the table down for the wait staff. When I go to the doctor, I am the one that removes the paper off the table and replaces it for the next patient. I don't know why. I don't want people to think I'm rude or a mess...I suppose.


Hopefully you've learned something new about me!

So, now I am supposed to tag 7 people. I don't think I know 7 people. Or at least not 7 people who haven't already been tagged. I think I will tag Brandon, Bryan, Rinnie, Ali, Jack Bauer, Shawna and Amy.

Peace out.

Advice by Lisa: Painting Sparks

Dear Lisa Marcell,

How can I convince my husband that it's in his best interest to help paint the apartment?

Thanks,
Struggling Painter

Dear Struggling Painter,

One of the hard realizations in a marriage is that we can't convince our spouse to do as we wish. Unless of course, you married a monkey. And even then...good luck getting him potty trained. The best way to enlist your hubby's help? Enticement. Paint in the nude, using your body parts as paintbrushes. It's not only effective as an attention grabber, it rekindles that spark in the bedroom (and bathroom, living room, kitchen...or any other room that needs a fresh coat of paint) PLUS it saves money. Why waste money on paintbrushes when God gave you fingers and breasts? A little tip...put down some drop cloths.

Best of luck,
Lisa Marcell

Throw your cares away...

So, there's this new old folks retirement village that popped up near our house recently. It's adorable. They are all one story, have a garage, a driveway long enough for an RV....it's the perfect community for old folks. The houses are SO cute. I'd live there if they'd let me. I'm quiet, I don't like to use stairs and I like to go to bed early too! I bet I take as many pills as they do. I'd fit right in. But I can't. Because my birth certificate says I'm not old enough.
It's age discrimination.

But, that's not the point I'm making today. As you're driving past the community...it has signs that advertise why you'd want to live there...
"No yard maintenance!"
"No shoveling snow!"
And the main one...
"Throw your cares away!!!"

Attached to the last sign were balloons to draw your attention and get you all excited. The only problem?

The balloons were black. Upon closer inspection you could tell that there WERE black and orange (for Halloween, I presume) but the orange ones were deflated...leaving only the black balloons to advertise this old folks community. Is it really the image you want to portray? They should get a new sign...

"Throw your cares away because you're going to DIE here!!!"

Advice by Lisa: The fart...to deny or not to deny?

Dear Lisa Marcell,

My left shoe makes a farting noise when I walk. And it just made one when I left the dispatch office at work. Do I go back in and announce that it was my shoe? What if nobody heard it? Then I sound guilty and won't be able to live it down. Or do I just keep going and hope nobody heard it, but risk that they did hear and just think I farted and then left? I'm panicked!

Thanks,
Farting and Panicked


Dear Farting and Panicked,

The appropriate response would have been a timely denial and explanation of your shoe having farted, not your rear. But, too much time has passed and it will now seem as though you concocted the shoe farting story to cover up your loose bowels. Then people will not only think you're gassy, but that you are slow, too.
There are only two options now.
1. Brazen it out, never speak of it again and hope nobody heard it.
2. Recreate the situation and do damage control at that point. How? Go back into the dispatch office and make casual conversation until the shoe farts again. At that point, let them know your left shoe farts. And tell a story about how this same thing happened at church one day, but you couldn't deny it to the whole congregation as sacrament was going on. Everyone assumed you farted and you were mortified. The story will deflect the current farting noise, make them laugh and they'll also be able to relate to you. Who hasn't had a farting shoe incident? Once the discussion of mis-diagnosed fartings finishes, leisurely stroll back to your office, ensuring that the fart noise doesn't happen again. Never wear the shoes again.

Best of luck,

Lisa Marcell

Freudian slip.....?

Absentee ballots went out in upstate New York last week. Who are the candidates for President? John McCain and....drum roll please.... Barack Osama!

No joke, folks. True story.
I know I've joked in the past about Barack having terrorist ties, but all evidence seemed circumstantial, at best. But, come on people! He's changed his name to Osama on the ballots!

At least he's finally being honest. I'll give him props for that. Apparently America was not ready for the truth though. The Obama camp had to issue the order to retract the truth. They shredded the ballots that had "errors" on them. They shredded the evidence...Enron, anyone?

After shredding the remaining ballots with "errors" on them, they mailed out corrected ballots to the individuals who received the first ones. The kicker? Those people who received both ballots can submit either one and have it counted. If you want to vote for Barack Osama, go ahead! I smell Al Qaida at work.

Obama spokesman Blake Zeff said the campaign is "glad officials are working to correct this error and we assume it won't happen again..." until America is ready for the truth...*insert maniacal laughter here*

It's all about timing...

Readers, I've recently been accused of not putting enough of my personal life into this blog. That accusation is preposterous! This is my life, straight up! Or fictionalized or something. That's all in the past though.

Let me tell you about a deeply personal experience I just had. Readers, I believe we all have soulmates and I believe we will all find our perfect companion. Sadly, sometimes we aren't ready to accept that person into our lives. We're not who we want to be, who we need to be. Sometimes we think we need to see more of the world, to grow more, to do more...before we settle down. Sadly, I fell into this trap last spring. I had been in an exclusive relationship with Electric B. for 6 months when I began to feel stifled...smothered...it was all just too much. I told Electric B. that I needed some space. It wasn't him, it was me. Still, I could tell he was hurt, obviously. I thought I was making the right decision for both of us. I couldn't force him to waste his warmth on someone who wasn't in the right place to appreciate it.
But, let me tell you Readers, I thought of Electric B. fondly all summer. I missed Electric B. soooo much. But, I had to fly free, I had to find my own way. I took all summer to myself, but there was always this ache in my heart. And, recently, there's been a frost in my toes from missing Electric B.
Today, Electric B. showed up on my bed. All warm and enveloping, just like he's always been. He hadn't changed. But I had. I've seen what life is like without him. I'll always have a place in my bed for Electric B. I look forward to reconnecting. I know we'll always be together...at least till next summer when I get the itch to move on. But Electric B. will always be my soulmate.

I highly encourage those of you who are planning to live your winter without an electric blanket to reconsider. It'll change your life. You will fall in love. I know I have. I don't think I ever really fell out of love, it was just a timing issue, like most relationships. Me and Electric B. are going to last forever. Or until he needs replaced.
It's all about timing, Readers.

Clay the Gay???

.... This is going to surprise everyone out there. Hope you're sitting down for this one! I hope you're sitting down for two reasons...
1. This news is SO shocking that you might collapse after reading this news.
2. How weird would it be if you were STANDING by your computer typing away. I know I'd make fun of you if I saw it. For the sake of your own pride, sit down while you're on the 'puter.

You ready?!?!?!? This just in: CLAY AIKEN IS A HOMOSEXUAL.

Surprised? Yeah, me neither. I think maybe only his Grandmother is surprised. Oh, and maybe all of those tweens who voted for her. Uh, I mean him. But, seriously, did you see his hair on his performance last season on American Idol?! He looked like a girl! Not even a girly man...just a girl.
Yup, he's "come out" in the latest issue of People magazine. Clay Aiken says, "Yes, I'm gay." I'm glad we straightened (no pun intended) that out! I bet the month after that the breaking story in People magazine is going to be... Ruben Studdard, "Yes, I'm fat."

Thanks for keeping it real People magazine.

No shoes, no shirt...here's the drink you ordered!

......................................
Here's a tip: Bartending nude can get you arrested.

Sheriff's deputies doing a routine check this week at a southern Illinois bar say they discovered a not-so-routine sight. Authorities allege that 33-year-old Janet Brannon was naked while serving bar patrons at the Cabin Tavern in Delhi (DEL'-ee).
Brannon was arrested and charged with misdemeanor public indecency. She was freed on $8,000 bond.
She was the only bar employee working at the time, so the tavern was closed Thursday.



I don't know...is it that bad? It's not like she was frying hamburgers or anything. That would be considered dangerous!
All I can say is that it gives new meaning to ordering a 'Slippery Nipple' or a 'Fuzzy Navel'!!!

It's a jungle out there...

For those of you just joining us, I work for a company called Hemingworth. We're revolutionizing the thread world, one spool at a time!***

My place of employment is located in an office building. So, at first glance, you'd assume it's a nice place. Civilized, even. But it isn't. Not by a long shot. It's a scary world in here folks. You've heard about the spider in my office...you've heard about the bat...and those two things alone seem like enough to evacuate the premises. At least, I think so. The fire/police departments didn't agree when I called them and told them the area needed to be evacuated.

Fire Chief: "What is your emergency?"
Me: "I'll get to that in a minute. Do you have any really hot, I mean H-O-T hot, single firemen?"
Fire Chief: "Mam, is there a fire?"
Me: "No. But..."
.....Dead air.... He hung up.


Police Dispatch "Mam, what is your emergency?"
Me: "This building and the surrounding area need to be evacuated."
Police Dispatch: "Is there a fire?"
Me: "No...but..."
Police Dispatch: "Is there a bomb?"
Me: "Not that I know of, but I wouldn't be surprised."
Police Dispatch: "Mam, what is the emergency?"
Me: "We have a spider infestation as well as a killer bat that's after us."
Police Dispatch: "Mam, you are an idiot and you're wasting my time. If you continue to call us everyday with this same story, you will have charges placed against you. Do not call this number again. Even if there is a fire or a bomb. We'd prefer you be blown up or burned to death. Never call here again. Do you understand me?"
Me: "No, I don't understand you. No speaka english."
.......dead air..........

Obviously, there isn't anywhere I can turn for help. I'm on my own. 'Protect and Serve'??? I think not.

After the spider and bat problem we had a stinkbug. That's right folks, a stinkbug. And a more aptly named bug, there never has been. I don't know that I've ever had the misfortune of dealing with a stinkbug before. Did you know that it actually stinks? Yeah, I didn't know either. But it does. Knowing that I couldn't receive help from the proper authorities, I was forced to eliminate the threat on my own. And I did. And it stunk up the whole office, which is apparently what stinkbugs do. I evacuated our office. Thanks for nothing police! I got this one on my own. And to think, my tax dollars pay for their salary.

This place is basically a jungle. The next problem was of a different nature...

We have no toilet paper. And this is not the first time. Am I in a refugee camp? Toilet paper seems pretty standard. But, to be fair, I never asked in the job interview if they provided the toilet paper or if I would have to do so on my own. It's my own fault, I guess, for assuming the building would be equipped with toilet paper. I thought it must be part of the initiative to save the environment! I can get behind that! Go green! I was happy to help. So, I just reused toilet paper. But, now we're even out of recycled toilet paper. And let me tell you people...we don't even have any plants around the office to use the foliage for wiping. Nada.

What is a girl supposed to do??? Well, I had a lightbulb moment. Ding! We're a thread company...use the thread! Duh! It takes about 3 spools, unraveled, to really get the job done. But, hey, we're all making sacrifices for the environment! I can do my part! Goooooo Green! Glad to help.


***I think that should be our new slogan... 'Hemingworth. Revolutionizing the world, one spool at a time!' It should be on our website, on our shirts (embroidered on our shirts, of course), it should be on our mugs (that we don't have as of yet), and I think it should be tattooed on our bosses. I truly am a marketing genius here, folks. Who could forget the brilliant slogan for Ihop... "Thank you for calling Ihop, how may I hop you?" Brilliant. Truly brilliant. Obviously, I have a gift. Some people (mostly me) have gone as far as calling me a marketing genius, and I can't deny it. And after reading this, I know you can't deny it either.

9/11

I KNOW THAT MY FEELINGS ARE NOT UNIQUE ON THIS SUBJECT AND I KNOW MUCH IS WRITTEN IN MEMORY OF 9/11...BUT I WANTED TO SHARE MY OWN THOUGHTS. THIS IS SOMETHING I WROTE 2 YEARS AGO, SO I APOLOGIZE IF IT IS RECYCLED TO YOU, BUT I FEEL JUST AS STRONGLY TODAY AS I DID WHEN I WROTE IT...

Today is nine eleven. 9/11. It's amazing how one day can change everything. It's been seven years and in so many ways it seems as though time stands still today and I am right back to that morning. That fateful morning. I still remember what I was doing, what I was wearing, where I was when I heard the news. At first I thought, as did everyone else, that it was an accident. But it wasn't long before it was realized that this was no accident. It was an intentional hit against America.
I couldn't wrap my head around that. I've never hated something or someone or someplace enough to kill one innocent person, let alone thousands of innocent bystanders. I can't fathom that. I don't think most of us can. Which, is a good thing, I suppose. I'm really reticent to believe that so many people are filled with a hatred that intense.
More than the small details of remembering what I was doing, where I was or what I was wearing, I remember my feelings. I remember being scared, being shell-shocked and more than anything, I remember feeling an overwhelming ache. I ached for the families that lost the ones closest to them. For so long, one of my biggest fears has been losing a parent or losing a sibling. I don't know how I would deal with it, or even IF I could deal with it. I thought of those families whose loved ones were on the planes. What terror did they experience in their last hour? How much did they know? I prayed that they lived in ignorance for as long as they could on that flight. Hoping, wishing that they lived with the terror for the smallest timeframe possible. I ached for the families that had a loved one in The World Trade Center. Knowing your loved one was in a building that got attacked, but still having a small bit of hope that they would be one of the few survivors. I imagine I would have been among those racing all over town, to every hospital, every clinic, every medical facility I could find, just trying to find some shred of proof that my loved one was among the survivors. I imagine that I would be among those who pray as they are running to find their loved ones, one of those who are making deals inside their head with God... willing to give up anything, promise anything, if only I found my loved one alive. I imagine that would have been me. Refusing to believe I actually lost one of the people I hold dearest. Racing to believe it wasn't possible. That somehow, my life came away unscathed. That would've been me.

Instead, I watch it unfold on a television, from a distance. I watch in disbelief, in sorrow and in anger as people I don't even know are hurting. I don't know them, I've never met them, and yet I cry with them. Because I imagine, just for a moment, that it could have been any one of us that were affected by this terror. By these terrorists.
Any one of us could have lost someone we love. But I didn't. Because I didn't live or work in that geographical location. Because I wasn't on one of those planes. Because of small, yet astronomical details in our lives we have either walked away unharmed or we had our lives forever ripped apart from tragedy.

Have any of us really walked away unscathed? I don't in any way mean to compare what I feel to those who actually lived it. I could never pretend that I know what they are feeling. But, did it change me? Yes. Most definitely, yes.
I realized that we weren't invincible here in America. I realized that we still had to fight for our Freedom. In my life, I have read textbooks of our forefathers fighting to separate us from Britain. I read of the civil war. I read of wars fought on foreign soils. I watched movies that portrayed these events. I watched them and I considered them informative, yes, but also I considered them entertainment. Because I had never lived it. I had never seen anything like it. I was born a child of the 80's. My tumultuous childhood? Crimped hair, hyper-color shirts and a rhinestone-studded denim craze. I didn't grow up in the depression. I didn't live through the Vietnam War. I didn't fight for our freedom as one of the original 13 colonies. I didn't watch one of our states get attacked as Pearl Harbor was taken down. I just reaped the benefits of all of the battles fought before me.

After 9/11 I realized that those battles still have to be fought. That America will only remain the land of the privileged and the land of the free if we are willing to stand up and fight. And, most importantly, if we don't forget.

I hope, that on this day, there are others just like me. Others who did not lose a loved one that day, but who were forever changed by what they felt.
My heart goes out to the families who lost so much that day. And to those families who have lost loved ones in the battle that followed. And for the families who will lose someone in the continuing battle. This is our history we're living, and someday, I hope my grandchildren are proud of how we've created it. But, more importantly, I hope they read of wars in a textbook, live in the land of the free and never have to see hatred of this level in their lives. That is my hope. WE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER THOSE LOST.

The couple who....

I've always heard that the more you have in common with your significant other, the more likely you are to stay together. You've all heard the sayings...

'The couple who plays together, stays together.'

'The couple who snorts crack together, stays together.' Or...whatever the saying is.

You know the sayings...we've all heard them.

And the one I am addressing today?

'The couple who exercises together, stays together.'

I was driving down the road and I saw a cute couple, in their golden years, walking in the morning sun. And I thought, I guess it's true what they say. The couple who exercises together, stays together. And then I saw that they stopped and since my windows were rolled down I also heard them yelling at one another. I could only catch yelling and then I heard the husband say, "FINE, see you at home!" He then crossed the street and proceeded with his morning walk. She stayed on the opposite side of the street from him.... and they continued to walk at about the same pace and heading in the same direction...but on different sides of the road.

And I can't help but think that this fight wouldn't have happened if they had just stayed at home in the first place.

Moral of the story: stay home, don't exercise.

"The couple who has outside interests and hobbies stay together instead of yelling at one another on a morning run."

Learn from this couple in their golden years...quit exercising now. It could save your marriage.

Complete Mystery...

Here's the thing...

I can't stand Kiefer Sutherland. I think he's icky. He seems like a tiny little man. And he crosses his legs like a girl. I've only ever seen him in one movie and he played an evil rapist. He smokes. And I am pretty darn sure he's gay, which isn't going to work for me. (see picture above as proof) Not looking good for The Kiefer. I don't find him sexy at all. I find him pretty skeazy, actually.

What's the mystery, you may be asking???

I LOVE JACK BAUER. Some may argue that Sutherland plays Bauer. But I am willing to stake my life on the fact that Bauer plays Sutherland.

Jack Bauer is one of the finest actors around. In his normal work day he saves the world, with very little help from others. In his downtime, he plays this actor Kiefer Sutherland. And, if I didn't know better...I'd almost think Sutherland was a real person. Luckily, I know better.

Recap:

Kiefer= not a real person, skeazy and has horrible fashion sense.

Jack= saves the world over and over, sexy as can be, pretends to be Kiefer in his downtime, totes a gun around but still manages to have tender moments and look reeeeeally hot doing it!

I'd like my politics (and my bagel) with a little shmeer please!

Election year is upon us! Although I have a previous post about my own political views (Jack Bauer '08) I recently came across some information* that I think my readers have a right to know when deciding who to vote for.

For all you John McCain supporters out there, the biggest thing you should be aware of is that he eats babies. I didn't believe it when Brandon first told me, but it must be true. If you go to google and type in "John McCain eats babies" it brings up tons of totally reputable search results. If you find it in google, then it is completely true! I'm sure you already know that. So, obviously, I can't vote for John McCain.

That leaves us with Obama. Yes, his middle name is Hussein and sure...that seems suspicious, but I doubt it means anything really. I also remember hearing silly people call him 'Obama BinLaden' and I would giggle because clearly people are making something out of nothing! So what if it rhymes with Osama? Lisa rhymes with Pisa...it doesn't mean I lean to one side! Or does it...?
Like I said, I thought this Obama BinLaden garbage was just silly. Until he announced his running mate! Biden. Biden? That name looks familiar...B...I....D....E...N....hmm, what's missing....??? Bi(nla)den! Aha! There it is...BInlaDEN. Binladen. Biden+nla= Binladen! Sure, if it was just Obama rhyming with Osama or just Biden being 3 letters away from Binladen...we might be able to blow this off, but both of them? Clearly the terrorists are trying to take over the country. And, honestly, I think they are in danger of pulling off the biggest coup de grace in history! It's the Trojan Horse and in the future they will read history books wondering how in the world we fell for it... Bravo, Obama Hussein Bi(nla)den, Bravo!
Obviously we can't vote for Obama either.

Who does this leave? Ralph Nader. Nobody can find anything bad on this guy. Who as his running mate? Ross Perot, of course! They are the safe bet! I can't vote for a baby eating fool or the terrorists!

Write in Nader/Perot for '08! Give our country a chance!


*By "Information" I mean silly rumors and accusations brought on by the shmeer tactic in politics...

Piddy Puff Puff will pop a cap in his A!!!

Deputy Pulls Gun During Stop of Diddy's Entourage

A sheriff's deputy pulled a gun on members of Diddy's entourage during a routine traffic stop over the weekend, but the situation was quickly resolved and a spokesman for the entertainer said the deputy was professional and respectful.
The gun was never pointed at the hip-hop mogul, and deputies were "very respectful" during the stop early Saturday, spokesman Ed Tagliaferri said Monday.
Diddy was traveling on Sunset Boulevard in a seven-car convoy when a deputy pulled over one of the vehicles. Combs was not in the car that was stopped for having an expired registration tag.
Sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore says the deputy became concerned when several men approached the vehicle. The deputy unholstered his gun and the situation quickly cooled down.
No citations were issued because the car was a rental.


They can say what they want... "the situation was quickly resolved..." blah, blah, blah! I don't buy it! They may have done that for appearances, but you don't dis Piddy Puff Puff! Aka: Puff Daddy. That Sheriff better watch his back. Someone will pop a cap in his A if he's not careful. I don't know if it will be Sean "Puffy" Combs, P. Diddy, Puff Daddy or Piddy Puff Puff...but someone is going to take him out!

Spider Assassination Attempt...again.

As mentioned in the 'Bat' blog entry, here is the spider story from work...

There are key players in this blog entry and they are as follows:

Lisa- Victim
Amber- Laughing bystander
Ali- Evil Spider Lady
Bruce- Villain masquerading as a hero

So the story begins...

It was just another day in paradise at the local embroidery company, everyone working diligently, and business humming along. Lisa was sitting at her desk when suddenly Ali came up behind her and placed an empty box on Lisa's head. Silly little prank...harmless, so she thought...until Lisa noticed that there was a SPIDER in the "empty" box! Lisa immediately grabbed the box off of her head and threw it against the wall....and ran across the hall to Bruce/Amber's office...

Lisa pulled herself together and told Bruce in a calm, rational, grown-up manner that there was a spider in her office and would he please have a look when he got a moment? Thanks so much................

Okay, who am I kidding??? We all know I ran across the hall in a panic. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak, all I could really get out was... "spider...in....my....office...spider...it's going to kill me...please...." Then I passed out and had to be revived with smelling salts. What did Amber do? Laugh at me the whole time.

Bruce, being the "hero" at this moment in time, went across the hall and appeared to diligently search for the spider. He was being my hero! My rescuer! He fulfilled his blue* duties very well.
Looking back on it...after his later behavior, I think he just went into my office and sat there for a while. I doubt he actually looked for the spider at all!

But, at the time, I had no way of knowing of the evil lurking inside him. I thought was just being an amazingly helpful man and that he was trying to solve my problem. Not true. But I didn't know any better.
Bruce came back across the hall and told me he had looked, but to no avail. The spider had disappeared.**

I spend the next 20 minutes in the other office trying to make myself believe that the spider wasn't just laying in wait in my office...waiting to kill me. I convinced myself I was just being silly and that I should go right back to my office and act like a grown up!!! So, I hesitantly and timidly walked back to my office...on the look out the whole time...I looked on my chair, my desk, the walls, the floor...no spider...Bruce is right...it's gone...I need to just calm down.

And then all of my fears were confirmed. I was right all along. It was just waiting to destroy me!!! It was waiting UNDER MY IPOD!!!!!!!!!! How dare it?!

Here is a victory for me: I smashed the little beastard! I killed it! I felt good about what I had done and wanted to share my victory with someone that I thought was a helpful hero... but, no, he isn't. I went and told Bruce and he reminded me that there were more spiders where that one came from. Also, he felt the need to torment me the rest of the day by telling me how spiders will drop from the air vents and ceilings to attack me, so I wouldn't be safe anywhere.
What a gem, eh? He's from the devil, obviously.

For now, I survived another spider assassination attempt. I should be on that TLC tv show called, "I shouldn't be alive!" And I can tell my harrowing tales of my near death experiences with these spiders. I truly am a miracle. I'll be signing autographs later.***



* Blue refers to the duties I believe men should do. Locate and kill all insects and rodents. Diagnose my car troubles based on the noises I recreate for you, even via the phone. Know the answer to any question, on any subject.

**For future reference: if you can not locate the errant insect/rodent, you must do your best to make me believe you found it, killed it and have warned away any of it's friends. Under no circumstances should you come back without having eradicated the before mentioned rodent/insect.

*** For a nominal fee. (and by "nominal fee" I really mean "for a great, big, fat fee.")