Short post

I'm busy, so I don't have much time to post. I only have time for the essentials, to catch you up on the most important events and thoughts in my life right now.







1. I have always felt that I had magical powers. I've just been waiting for them to become "active." At times I have lost a little bit of hope because my powers haven't shown themselves yet. Yesterday I received confirmation that I would soon have them. I was walking along and I happened to glance down and I saw a rubber band in the shape of the triquetra symbol from Charmed. If that wasn't proof, I don't know what is! And, just last night I was told that I have a "dark gift" for making people agree with my side of things. I know that magical powers run in the family. How else do you explain my good looks? And, my nieces Sydney and Taylor both give me looks that I am 100% positive mean that they are casting spells.



2. U.S. bans Boy George
Boy George has been refused a visa to visit the U.S. because of his criminal past and impending trial. FINALLY! Finally, we have some standards!!! I'm not sure why this wasn't done in the 80's. Too bad the US didn't decide to ban him BEFORE he brought his wretched play 'Taboo' to the US. We could've done without that. I think that a chameleon named Karma has bit Boy George in the rear! It comes and goes....it comes and goes....and this time, it bans Boy George. (for those of you who don't know, 'Karma Chameleon' was a hit of Boy George's)

3. Is it just me...or is anyone else wondering why Rhianna is such a hit right now? I don't get it. I mean, sure, I like to 'drop it like it's hot' to her tunes as much as the next person...but she's just not that great. In my opinion, Rhianna=Rhidiculous!

4. This just in: American Idol is holding auditions on July 29th in Salt Lake City!!! I think I will put my name down as Lisa ArchuLoser and see how I do! I'll probably get put all the way into the finals! I really think this is fate. Simon and I will finally start our love affair!

5. Finally. There is a product for those of us who hate to waste electricity on charging our cell phones AND also love to dance. If you have those two things in common...I found the perfect product for you! It's a cell phone charger that is powered solely on your dance moves alone! Oh yeah! We can get jiggy wit' it and still talk on our cell phones! I can only hope that this will translate into a dancing-powered vehicle. I've always been an excellent car dancer and I think this would top the charts! It'd also make for a good reality show. "This week on Car Dancing Through America...."

Well folks, I'm sorry I have to sign off, but now you know some of the most important things going on in my life right now!

Peace out!

Woman sues Victoria's Secret claiming thong injury

A woman who says she was hurt by her thong panties when a metal clip flew off and hit her in the eye has sued Victoria's Secret, saying in a TV interview on Thursday that the injury caused her "excruciating pain."

Macrida Patterson, a 52-year-old Los Angeles traffic officer, told NBC's "Today" show that she suffered cuts to her cornea from the small piece of metal that had been used to secure a rhinestone heart onto the blue thong.

"I was putting on my underwear from Victoria's Secret and the metal popped in my eye. It happened really quickly. I was in excruciating pain. I screamed. That's what happened," Patterson told NBC.

A spokeswoman for Victoria's Secret, which is operated by Limited Brands Inc, could not immediately be reached for comment.



Hmmmm.....
If I was the spokeswoman for Victoria's Secret I would have released the following statement:

"On behalf of Victoria's Secret we'd like to apologize to everyone who knows Ms. Patterson, and to anyone who might have seen her in a thong. It was a gross misjudgement on the part of our sales staff that led them to assume she knew how to properly put on underwear, and that she would also buy age-appropriate underwear. In addition, we're still laughing our thong-encased butts off when we think about her thong hitting her in the eye!"

Professional Arson, at your service.

One of my favorite things to do, (when I am already in the car driving from point A to point B, have nothing else to do because my cell phone is dead, I've already rocked out to all of my music via car dancing, and have already judged everyone in the cars around me...), is to appreciate a little of the local flavor via Business signs. The signs that advertise a business and maybe even a special they're having that week. Some businesses even use them to recruit new employees with 'Now Hiring' signs. Sometimes I feel it's my civic duty to call the business and let them know they've misspelled an important word on their sign. Hireing (drop the E people!) is a commonly misspelled word. Then there are the movie theaters who use those signs and butcher words so badly that I can't even guess at what the movie title might possibly be. Or maybe they ran out of the letter Z so they just used a sideways N instead. You've gotta do what you've gotta do, I guess.
The other day I saw a car dealership using their sign to advertise that they need help, and after reading the rest of the sign, I agree. They do need help. Professional help.
The sign read:

Help Wanted: Sales Arson, inquire within

I took it at face value and applied for the position. Under 'special skills' I wrote about my love for matches. I also told about how I could sell flammable products to a fireman! I'm that good at selling arson. Under 'related experience' I spoke of the two house fires my own family has had. Those kinds of things don't happen on their own, you know. Not everyone is in the market for arson. You have to make them believe that they need arson and are willing to pay for it.

The interview went well on my end, but the hiring manager looked perplexed the entire time. I haven't gotten a call back, but cross your fingers because I think this career may be right up my alley! When I do get the job, don't forget to come to me for all of your arson needs.

The good and the bad of blogging

One of the things I hate about blogs...
it actually has nothing to do with the blog itself...but about posting a comment on someone's blog. The dreaded Word Verification. It's supposed to be there to stop spammers and automated systems from commenting and putting crap on your blog. This way you know a human is actually commenting on your blog.
The unfortunate part about it....humans can't usually tell what the heck those letters say. Half the time I give up and just type nonsense, hoping that the next round of letters will be easier to decipher. The other half of the time I decide that my comment isn't worth trying to decipher the letters. So I don't comment. I'm not a robot. I'm not a spammer. But, for the life of me...I can't figure out the word verification.

One of the things I love about blogs...
the links that people use to show blogs of people they know and enjoy. I'm looking at a friend's blog and then I click one of their friend's blogs because I'm nosy or bored or a stalker or something. Cut to: ten minutes later. I'm about 29 blogs away from even remembering how I found the blog I'm reading. But I'm laughing and thinking I want to comment...but then I realize how psychotic it would be. My comment...
"Howdy stranger. Your Aunt Jen has a link to your blog and Aunt Jen is friends with Zack who has a gardener named Phil who has a friend named Joanna who has a daughter named Hilary whose friend Sam's stepdaughter's hairdresser Chloe happened to be married to Aaron back in the 90's (but has since become a lesbian and is life partner's with Molly) and Aaron's sister Penelope had a third grade teacher named Mrs. Krueger who's sister Sally has a dog named Fluffy who has a dog walker named Sunny who hangs out at the coffee shop where my friend Chad works . Anywho, I really enjoyed your post about your hemorrhoids and how they are a hidden monster. I laughed and laughed when you talked about having to carry that small butt pillow around everywhere because sitting was miserable. When you talked about having to use it at the luncheon where you were being honored for your award winning tulips...I laughed so hard that I may have popped a hemorrhoid myself! Thanks for sharing! "

Stalker much? In the end I just read the blogs anonymously and don't comment. And think about how creepy it is that someone they don't know is reading about their life. Then I start hoping that somewhere, somebody started clicking their own friend's blogs and links and wound up reading mine. And either running in fear or giggling just a little bit.

When infomercials go bad

We know I love infomercials. I surf the tv just looking for an infomercial. Most people change the channel when one comes on. I change the channel looking for infomercials. And, yes, I think I might TiVo one someday. That day hasn't arrived yet, but I am a realist. It's only a matter of time.

I saw part of an infomercial the other day. It's a completely pointless product for me and my life. But I can see that a lot of scrapbookers would love it. It's called the Cricut. Get it? It sounds like cricket but it's spelled with 'cut' in it because when you scrapbook you cut things out?! Get it? Yeah, more marketing geniuses at work.

So, I'm watching a 90 second blurb on everything it can do. And they are showing me these beautiful scrapbooking projects that you can do with it. And for a nanosecond a picture pops up with a scrapbooking container of some sort that says "Food Stamps" on it.

Uh...am I the only one who sees the irony here? I imagine a house with a family in it. Some shmoe who's fallen on hard times and they are now on food stamps. They can't afford food, but the wife says to the husband, "I'd really love to go grocery shopping with these food stamps, but I don't have a really pretty container to put the food stamps in. Drats, I guess we'll have to skip groceries this week."

To which the husband replies, "Well, honey, why don't you go order that Cricut contraption and make a really cool container to hold our food stamps in? They electric bill doesn't have to be paid this month. Really, what's most important is that we order the Cricut."

Cut to a montage of shots-
Wife receives Cricut in the mail, joyously decorates a box to hold the food stamps, goes grocery shopping and pays the cashier from her pretty food stamp box she made with the Cricut...
and the last shot is the family eating at the dinner table with a smile on their face and they turn to the camera and say, "Thanks Cricut!"

Priceless. I better place an order.

ArchuLOSER!

David ArchuLOSER has lost. As most losers do. Poor, poor David. And he didn't just lose by a teeny tiny bit. No, no, he lost by 12 million votes. I was saddened to hear that my own family members voted ten times for Archuloser, but it turns out ten times makes no difference when you're talking about a landslide loss. Oh, it's so sad.

I love American Idol. I do. But I think it might be for my family's best interest if it went off the air. Invariably, my family is divided on who has the best voice/best talent...whatever. It's always a division of the family.

I find that the 'older set' always lean towards the ugly, the boring and those who will not sell many records. I don't know if that's just because when you get older you start to lose your hearing or if you just lose the ability to judge talent. I'm not sure what it is, but it is very hard to watch that happen to them.

One of my own family members implied that the only people we like are the pretty ones. Ummm, duh. Along with the pretty though, we like talent. David Archuloser has mad skillz, no doubt. However, my contention with him is that his performances are boring (as I am sure his album will be as well. ) I guess boring is relative when Amy Grant is what you consider as "hard rock."

A quote from my own brother, after implying that we only enjoy pretty-no talent-celebs.
"Once again I am saddened by a society that dotes on looks rather than carachter and talent."

First, please excuse his mistyping. I think it's part of old age. Second, I find that most people who say that we're too obsessed with good looks say that because they themselves are ugly. A sad but true phenomenon. I've always thought my brother was good looking...but I might have to revisit that assumption.

Thankfully, American Idol is over for now. My family can go back to our peaceful existence until next January. Then the feud begins again! Till then!

American Idol...a.k.a. "My Kid's Got Talent!"

Oh, American Idol. It continues to fail me. This season has hurt just as much, if not more than the Katherine Mcphee/Taylor Hicks debacle.
I know everyone calls me a "hater" for not oohing and aaahing over David "Cute as a bug" Archuleta...but, seriously, unless you're a tween or a grandma, there is no excuse for voting for him. There really isn't. It's Taylor Hicks all over again. My worst nightmare. Let me qualify this by saying that I agree with the fact that David Archuleta (aka Donny Osmond Jr.) has talent. He clearly does. He's got mad skillz, dawg. But how is his musical talent relevant to anything other than choirs or musical theater? It's not. Maybe give him 5 years to mature and then I will see if I like his music. Right now, all I can do is fall asleep every time he gets on stage with his babyface and following of tweens and grandmas.
He's being set up for failure. Everyone votes and gives him a heightened sense of fame...then he sells less than 500,000 copies of his album and his record label drops him and he goes through a mid-life identity crisis at the age of 19. Tragic. I've seen it a million times. If you really liked the kid, you'd want him to grow up before he tries it in the musical world.
What am I saying? What am I thinking? Donny Osmond is just as cool now as he ever has been. And I'm sure at least 3, maybe even 4, people outside of Utah knows who he is. That's Archuleta's future. Poor kid.

All of you keep voting for him! Even though none of you will buy his album! Just like you did with Taylor Hicks! Set him up to fail!

6 more months of crappy service? Sign me up!

Sometimes I wonder why I didn't go into advertising. It seems simple enough. For instance...

I'm watching tv the other day. Yes, I watch tv a lot. Quit judging me. It's not like you have a life either. Don't pretend that you do.

I heard a commercial for Match.com about finding your "soulmate." They say that it's okay to look. And as an added bonus, if you sign up for 6 months of their service and you are not happy with their service and you DO NOT find the man/woman/transgendered individual of your dreams...they'll give you six MORE months free! Just what I have been looking for! Six more months of crappy service from a website that didn't do what it promised in the first place! So, in essence, I could get a year of worthless service for the price of only six months!
Move out of the way...where do I sign up??? Excuse me, but I've got to go waste a couple hundred dollars on not finding me soulmate. Uh, yeah, thanks a lot Match.com. You really get me.

So, yeah, I'm thinking advertising is the way to go. It's basically writing fictional promises that prey on the stupidity of the human population. And, unfortunately, stupidity is a free commodity.

Please don't make me tickle "Elmo"!

********The Following Blog Entry Is Not For The Faint Of Heart, The Elderly, The Seriously Ill Or The Prudish Sorts. I WILL NOT CENSOR THIS POST, IT IS IMPORTANT FOR PEOPLE TO BE AWARE OF THIS. IT IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY. (and maybe humorous purposes as well)*********


This world never ceases to amaze me. And people never cease to appall me.

Sometimes I wonder where I should go next on vacation. Disneyland? Hershey, PA? Hawaii? Greece??? Nope. None of those. I have found the next "hot spot" in tourism. It is Husavik, Iceland. I know you are a little leery. Just hear me out!

Husavik, Iceland is home to Sigurdur Hjartarson, an odd but inspiring man to many. Sigurdur Hjartarson is the founder of The Icelandic Phallological Museum.

Yes, you read that right. Definition of Phallus: The Penis. Phallological Museum= A Penis museum.
Museums can be boring, stuffy and also pretentious. I'm thinking none of those apply to this museum.
Here is the link to the article. http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080515/od_uk_nm/oukoe_uk_iceland_penismuseum;_ylt=AnIOQC4sHtq4z4BzK4BOfXftiBIF


I giggle when I read about the hamster's "member" that can only be seen with a magnifying glass! I wanted to forward one of the spam emails I get about penis enlargement to every hamster I know! They'd be grateful.

But my absolute favorite part of the article was the information about the 4 homo sapiens who have volunteered to give their penis to the museum when they die. A German, an American, an Icelander and a Briton. Wow, they must be something special, eh?

The Icelandic donor, a 93-year-old from nearby Akureyri, was a womanizer in his youth who thought having his penis in the collection might bring him eternal fame.
But vanity may make him rethink the offer.
"He has mentioned lately that his penis is shrinking as he gets older and he is worried it might not make a proper exhibit."

Did you hear that? That was my mind blowing.

The American, 52-year-old Stan Underwood, supplied a written description of his penis -- which he purportedly nick-named "Elmo" -- for display alongside a life-size plastic mould of the member as well as his pledge to donate it.

All I can say is...please, please don't make me tickle Elmo.

Is it me?

So, the other day I am at the DMV re-registering my car. Yes, it was the last day of the month. Don't judge me! I'm busy.
First, can I just say that re-registering your vehicle is the biggest rip off? I already registered it once. Nothing has changed. The make and model are still the same. And, yes, it's still the same year. It hasn't managed to morph into some other kind of car. Until they make a hybrid morphing vehicle...I'm going to remain pissy about paying to register my car...again.
Side note- I would be VERY interested in a morphing vehicle. Just an FYI to the car makers out there, since I know they read my blog frequently.

So, I'm in line at the DMV, wondering where that horrible stench is coming from. It smells like a homeless person. Not to stereotype homeless people, as I'm sure some of them smell delightful, but as a general rule, homeless people don't have homes...which means they don't have showers...which means they stink. So, typically, homeless people have an obscene odor. Unless they invested their panhandling funds into a portable shower. Not the best way to use your minimal funds, but who am I to judge? So, I'm sorry if I offended one of the portable shower homeless people...I wasn't talking about you.

But, I digress. I'm standing in line, smelling a stink of a non-portable-showering-homeless-person and trying to identify it when I turn around and immediately find the source. It's a lady and her dog. I don't want to offend the dog, it could have been the lady who stunk so badly and not the dog. I don't think I'll ever know if it was the lady or the dog who stunk more. My bet is on the lady. I'm thinking that if your judgement is off enough for you to think it's appropriate to carry your dog into the DMV then your judgement is probably off enough to think it's appropriate to not shower for a month.

So, I find the stinky source and I'm looking around, befuddled. Did I miss the memo that said it was appropriate to bring animals into places of business? Last I heard...businesses were for PEOPLE. Unless, of course, it's PetsMart. In which case you can bring your kids and your animals in and if any of them poop on the floor, they provide you with wipies to clean it up, judgement free.
If it's truly okay to bring your pets into places of business, I'm wondering why I left my dolphin, Ralph at home. I should've brought him along! He loves a good outing.

So, I turn to the stinky lady holding her stinky dog and I say, "Excuse me, mam, do you realize that the dog you're holding is not actually a person and is therefore not allowed to come into a place of business?"
And the lady, (we'll call her Mona for the sake of continuity. She looked like a Mona, but I don't know what her real name is. She had on a fur coat, gold jewelry and huge eyeglasses), Mona, said, " Well, missy, I did know that. But, Fifi (that was the dog's name) is my seeing eye dog. I am blind and she helps me get around."
To which I responded, "Oh, pardon me Mona, that was so rude and thoughtless of me. I apologize. If Fifi is your seeing eye dog then I most certainly understand. But might I suggest that you get a smelling nose dog as well? Maybe that dog could tell you and Fifi when to shower so the rest of us don't have to smell you?"

I thought I was being helpful. Mona didn't think so. She kicked me in the shin and huffed off. Come to think of it, if she needs a seeing eye dog, how did she know where to kick me? And if Fifi is her seeing eye dog, why was Mona holding her? This story isn't adding up. Something is starting to smell a little fishy...and this time it ain't Mona.

Si Señor

I realize it's been a while since my last post. And apparently, the natives are getting restless.
I've had so much on my mind. I've had a lot to think about as I plan my life and where I want it to go and what I want to accomplish and who I want to be. And it's taken all of my time, energy and intelligence. And, of course, a Life Coach. He is very expensive. His name is Chester Winds. Life coach to the stars. He has helped me realize my full potential and dreams. Not cheap.
Money aside, the good news here is that I have finally decided on a life path. Yes, yes, I have. It's something I've always wanted and it's always been in the back of my mind as something I could definitely see myself doing with my life. And, I've finally decided that I am going to go after my dreams. Some people chase tornadoes. I chase dreams.
I've made a goal and I am moving forward with it. I finally know what I want to be when I grow up. You know how they say that when you follow the correct path for your life that it just "feels right"? Well, it does feel right. Nothing has ever felt more right. Chester has helped me to see the light!
So I am moving forward with my plans to become Tom Selleck's wife.

Chester and I have created a very solid plan. He has prepared me and helped me to recognize that there may be people who want to try and bring me down and tell me not to chase this dream, that it is impossible. But I will not listen to those taunts and the cynicism. Impossible? I think not. Chase the impossible tornado! ...err, dream.

My plan? It's very simple. Tom is now an avocado farmer. He owns an avocado farm in California. When I heard this, I knew it was fate. I love avocados. They are mighty tasty. So, the plan is that I will go to Tom's farm, pose as an illegal immigrant from Mexico and start working the farm. I'll be wearing my scarf to cover my head, dirt on the hands, picking avocados or pruning the avocado tree (...or whatever it is you do when you're "farming" an avocado farm) and Tom will walk by to inspect the work being done. He will then be blown away by my mad avocado farming skills and my witty charm...and voila! He will love me. He will ask me if I'd like to come inside and get out of the sun and I will say, "Si Señor." Of course I will follow him inside, I would follow him to the ends of the earth. We will be in love and we will dine on avocados for the rest of our days. Of course, the rest of his days will be much shorter than the rest of my days as he is much older than I. But, none the less, the rest of his days will be spent with me. Dining on our avocados.

I acknowledge that there are a few minor roadblocks that will be in my way. But I will move them, jump over them or blast them with dynamite. Nothing will stop me now. Minor setbacks:
1. I have no clue where Tom's avocado farm is, other than in California.
2. I don't speak Spanish. I'm hoping the one phrase, "Si Señor" will carry me through a conversation.
3. I'm not an illegal immigrant from Mexico. I actually do have a social security number. And I don't know much about Mexico, other than what I've seen on vacation.
4. I'm not exactly dark skinned. I'm going to have to do some major tanning and use a lot of bronzer.
5. I don't like to be in the hot, shiny, sweaty sun. I also don't like to get dirty. Or have anything to do with farming.
6. Tom is already married.

I see these as minor setbacks. I will chase the dream. Chester would be so proud of me.

The Grease Fairy

So it's that time again. You want something fried. A taquito. (Who am I kidding, you can't eat just one taquito!) A burrito. A cheese crisp. A....well, anything fried. You get the idea. And then the thought comes to your mind. You'll have to pull out a pan and fill it with grease. And the grease spatters all over the stove and your clothes and the neighbor's house and everything is a mess. And inevitably, the house smells like grease for weeks. But the craving is too big to resist. The pull is so strong. Must...have....taquito....

So, you fry them up. And like predicted, you smell like grease and so does the house. The stove is spattered with grease. But, you're eating a taquito and you don't care about that. Clean-up is future Lisa's problem. Present Lisa is loving the taquito. Mmmmm, taquito.

Cut to: 2 hours later. Clean-up comes along. Suddenly you regret the taquito. Was it worth it? No! Now that you're full and you have to clean up, it definitely was NOT worth the taquito. Or the 12 taquitos. However many you ate. I'm not here to judge. That's between you and your Weight Watchers group.

You clean off the stove, the dishes are done and the house is aired out...as much as possible. You sprayed some lovely smelling odor-reducing spray. And now you have a delightful greasy roses smell in your kitchen.

Suddenly you realize you forgot one essential part of the clean up.... the pan of grease. The dreaded pan of grease.
I can't throw it down the drain. Dad said it'll clog the drain. And I'm not taking the blame for that.
You could throw it in the garbage, but it's icky and well...greasy. And hot. Hot and plastic don't mix. Learned that one the hard way. I'll never again make my world famous saran-wrap brownies.
You could throw it in the neighbor's yard. But, well...that made for a sticky situation when the neighbor caught me at two in the morning dumping a vat of grease in his award-winning tulip garden. I've never seen him so angry. I tried to convince him that I thought grease/mulch really helped Tulips and that it's all the rage in the Netherlands. When he picked up the rake and began swinging it wildly, I ran back to my house. Now with his security system, we can't risk it again.

What to do? What to do? I know! I'll do like Mom does. I'll pour it in a can that we keep under the sink. So, I take out the big can and I pour my grease to the can that is already half full with the other grease that has already solidified. I put the can back under the sink and voila! Problem solved! Case closed! I walk away, satisfied with a job well done!


Wait......what happens to the can of grease when it's full? I don't know. I've never known. And I may never know. My sisters and I discussed it. There is only one possible solution: The Grease Fairy. When the can is full, The Grease Fairy comes along and empties it for us. The Grease Fairy must be related to The Milk Fairy. Whenever we are low on milk...more gallons just pop up in our fridge, magically! Yes, they must be cousins. Not siblings, because one taketh and the other giveth. But, surely they are cousins.
Thank you Grease Fairy, thank you. Without her, we wouldn't know what to do with our grease. And we'd have a big ol' mess!

Someday when I have my own house and my own family, I'm going to have to ask my mom how to sign up for The Grease Fairy. I don't know if it's a subscription or if The Grease Fairy just magically knows when you need help. Or if you get a discount for using The Grease Fairy AND The Milk Fairy. Yes, when that someday comes, I'll just ask my mom. I'm sure she'll know.

Miracle Manna!!!

Ladies and gentlemen....brothers and sisters....citizens of this world... I have some big news for you. I can only hope that you are as ready to receive this message as I am to give this message.

Let me start by saying that anyone who knows me, knows that I love infomercials. While some people (morons) see an infomercial on the tv and change the channel looking for other programming, I actually change the channel looking for infomercials. They are the true genius of all television. The writers may strike...but the infomercial still goes on. Why? Because it is not scripted. It is real testimonials of real people who use the product and tell their real story about the wonders of the product and receive nothing in return except the satisfaction of knowing they helped other real people improve their own real lives.

But, I digress. The real reason I have come to blog this fine evening is that I have seen the infomercial to end all infomercials. If you never watch any other infomercial, please do not miss this one. (also, the magic bullet one is pretty classic. And, premiering soon.... "The Bangy")

This morning at about 3:30am I was blessed enough to catch an infomercial that nearly changed my life. Miracle Manna. Yes, like in the Bible. I once thought that the miracles of the Bible were long gone. I had no idea that some of those miracles actually still existed in a tangible sense. But, my friends, they do!
I know there are a few non-believers out there, but I also know there are a few wannabelievers... and for you, I say...read on.
I was skeptical at first. Miracle Manna? How can this be? But I heard real people tell their stories and I was sold! I am now convinced that this Miracle Manna could almost change my life too.
http://www.peterpopoff.org/

I am almost a changed woman now. One man who ordered the Miracle Manna was cured of his chronic illness! A woman received over $6,000 on the same day she received the Miracle Manna! I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, if I order the Miracle Manna and really believe in it's powers...there's no end to what may or may not change for me too!

I hope that I've changed your view from non-believer to wanna-believer to believer. Take it from a real person... it has nearly, almost, maybe changed my life already. It truly has changed my life in ways that haven't really changed my life at all. Let it do the same for you. Just believe.

Thank you.

Terrorist Attack....ish.

It was a close call folks. But, let me start by telling you that I am OKAY! Don't worry about me, I'm okay. But it was close. Really close. And I almost died. And still could. But I am okay.

You know and I know that there is a lot of danger out there. But I never suspected it would be so close to home.

I'm driving home from work, with my sister in the car next to me. And suddenly I notice that a van is following me. Not just any van. A terrorist van. Even worse than the kidnapping van we all know and hate. The kidnapping van is the van with no windows at all. We've all seen 'em. We all know 'em. The terrorist van is even worse. It's got a taller roof and also a place on the roof for terrorists to poke their guns out of and shoot bombs and whatnot.

So, the terrorists follow me up 12th east...they continue up 2200 north.....and here is the real clincher...they follow me onto 1450 east! That's when I knew they were after me. Nobody goes on 1450 unless they live there.
I always thought there was a sleeper cell on the university campus, but it looks like the "sleepers" have been awakened!

Once they followed me onto 1450 East I knew I couldn't lead them to my home. I had to be willing to take one for the team. I couldn't lead them to my parents. They would have slaughtered us all in an attempt to gather all of the intel we have. And I couldn't risk it.

So I drove around the block. Realizing that I was on to them, they aborted their mission.

I was relieved, but a part of me was sad that they backed down. I would have gone medieval on their hiney! I would have Jack Bauer'd their jugulars!!!

Be on alert! High alert! Never let your guard down! And just to be safe, you should carry around your own weapons and bombs. And Jack Bauer.

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas...for five years.

Yes, it is true, Celine has left Vegas. For what? We don't know. I can only assume she's taking time off to have Renee cloned so she can actually grow old with someone who isn't dead by the time she's 45. Although, I could have sworn her father....err, her husband was already a clone.

Anyway, back to the distressing news...Celine's Vegas run is officially over. Five years, $400,000,000 earned, 716 shows and 11 standing ovations later...Celine, 'The Best Singer In The World' (her words, not mine), has left Vegas. And to think, I never even saw the show.

THANK GOODNESS. I can't keep this charade up any longer! I hate Celine! To put it in her native tongue, Je déteste Celine!!!

Who are these freaks who went to her last concert, you may ask?

One lady (whom I can only assume is single, will remain single for all of eternity, is a closet lesbian and owns 32 cats) has seen the show over 100 times!
There was the co-dependant couple who enabled one another and paid $15,000 for front row tickets. May God bless us all and make them sterile.
Then there was the man ( I use that term loosely) who moved to Vegas from Uzbekistan just to be closer to his idol. I'm pretty sure he will try to kill Renee just so he can have Celine to himself. Luckily, Celine has cloned Renee and won't even notice he is gone. But I do think it'll make a nice Lifetime 'Movie of the Week'!

And then there were the "celebrities." D-list, at best, I'd say closer to N-List (Not-really-Celebrities-list.) Robin Leach, Mia Michaels and Criss Angel. Boy, I would have paid top dollar to meet those three. How could one theater hold so much celebrity!!! Lucky, lucky theater goers.

All I can tell you is that it is now safe to go to Vegas again. Finally! We can take Vegas back from Celine and her followers! We are Freeeeeeee! Suck on that, Celine!

Annual Avian Census

I know it's been some time since my last entry. Forgive and forget, I always say! (as long as it's you forgiving me and forgetting my offense. If it's me forgiving and forgetting, not gonna happen.)

Anywho...On to important news. One of the things I love best about living in Utah is the hard hitting news. A lot happens here. Newsworthy stuff. Totally.
I just came across an article in the Salt Lake City Tribune about bird counting.Hmmm, I would think it's pretty darn impossible to count birds.Obviously, I was mistaken. There is an Annual Avian Census. If you're anything like me, you're giggling just thinking about it.What do they do? Demand that the birds line up and be counted? Give them all social security numbers? And do birds hire other animals to take them across the border illegally?Like if you're a Canadian Bird and you really want to live in the US, do you have to pay tons of bird seed to another bigger, more influential, American bird to illegally transport you in to the United States?And if all of this is true, I don't understand why I am just now hearing about this epidemic!? All of the politicians are asked over and over about illegal immigrants and what they plan to do...and this is the first time I'm hearing about the illegal birds. They seem to pose a higher threat than humans. Avian bird flu, anyone?
And talk about annoyance...how many people have been pooped on from above? I haven't, but I've seen it happen to others. On TV. But it has happened to my poor vehicle. Sad, but true. Why aren't we doing anything about this illegal bird epidemic? Illegal birds are a huge problem and I think I will run for congress on this platform.
I guess the first step to solving this problem is the Annual Bird Census. The following is the article that raised my awareness...http://www.sltrib.com/ci_7732365?source=rss
My favorite part of the article is...
"I love it," said Marilyn Davis, the education coordinator for the Red Cliffs chapter of the Audubon Society, which helped organize the event. "I look forward every year to this day when I can freeze to death and look at the scenery."
Honestly??? You helped organize this event and that's what you said???

Well, folks, I'm signing off, but I want you all to think about the epidemic of illegal birds and the Annual Bird Census and think of some ways that you, too, can help America.

Life as we know it...is over.

It's here. The day we've all been dreading. The stuff nightmares are made of. The end of the world as we know it. We made it through the t.v. Summertime Blues! We thought we were in the clear until next Spring when our shows go on hiatus. That is not the case.

The unthinkable has happened folks. It's time to think it. Think the unthinkable...The Hollywood writers have gone on strike.

Even as I write this I am in a fetal position rocking back and forth on the floor whimpering. That should show the level of commitment I have to this blog and MY fans. I would never go on strike. I know the people rely on me getting them regular blog entries. No matter how much I may want more money for my blog entries...I would never strike.
Those poo-poo heads in Hollywood have gone mad with power. Granted, they hold all the power. I can't enjoy my shows if they don't write them. Boo. Those whores.

Definition of Strike:
1. To hit sharply
2. To inflict a blow
3. Destroy Lisa's life

I can attest to all three. Woe is me. Woe is all of us. Without TV we are left to entertain ourselves. Like that's a good idea? Me thinks not. When I had TV I didn't HAVE to think. Now I do. And I don't think it's a good idea for us to have to entertain ourselves. Or for me to have to think.

Do you know what people did before we had TV? I do. Let me tell you. They invented things. Things they could use to entertain themselves so they didn't HAVE to think and invent things.

Cavemen drew on rocks and caves (doi, they were cavemen) so that they could later stare at these pictures to entertain themselves. (it was a very crude depiction of what we now know as a TV. They weren't the smartest Neanderthals around.)

The early Native American Indians made feather headdresses to wear so they could entertain the person across from them with the pretty colors. One person would wear the pretty hat while all the others would partake of some peyote. Suddenly all the pretty colors were a blur and the hat made funny noises. The more peyote they ingested, the better the Feather-Headdress-TV worked.

In 1876 Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. Why did he invent it? So he could call other people to ask them to come over and entertain him so he didn't have to do it himself anymore. Like he wanted to sit around inventing more crap so he could entertain himself? No! He used his invention to STOP having to sit around and think and entertain himself.

People get DESPERATE for entertainment. In 1897 this one sicko, James Henry Atkinson, invented something called "The Little Nipper" for entertainment purposes only. It was a mousetrap. He was so desperate for entertainment that he invented a contraption to catch mice so he could watch them die. He's a sicko. But I understand the desperation. This was, obviously, before TV. We would never resort to that crap if we have TV to entertain us first.

One man, well ahead of his time, was Benjamin Franklin. He was obviously gifted with a vision of the future. He was able to see that one day our beloved TV would exist. He got started right away on inventing electricity! Smart man. He knew it wouldn't happen in his lifetime, this beautiful glorious thing called television. But he knew it was for the greater good. A good man.

And why did the brave soldier risk it all to give us this gift??? So we wouldn't have to think for ourselves! So we wouldn't have to continue to invent crap to entertain ourselves! I'd like to thank this brave man. And in the same breath I'd like to curse those money-hungry-Hollywood-sons-of-bitches.

Give the writers what they want. I can't take it anymore! Give the people their TV back!

Somewhere... in heaven, Benjamin Franklin is letting out a tumultuous cry as he watches everything he envisioned with his prophetic sight crumble before his eyes. Generations weep with you Mr. Franklin. Generations weep. I weep. I weep... openly.

update on our Gnat bastard situation

We have won. The war is over. The gnats have lost. May it be a lesson to ALL gnats and creatures alike.

We had to track down the source. After searching the interweb tirelessly... (well, truthfully, it was tiring. Is the opposite of tirelessly tirefully? I don't think that is a real word. Anyway, I searched and was exhausted. )
After searching the interweb for causes behind the gnats, Shawna and I realized it was nothing conventional that had caused this. No rotting food. No weird stagnant water. No plant gnats. Nothing that was a common cause.
We had to use our own detective skills and came up with unconventional causes. One of which was that maybe one of us was farting them out. Shawna and I spent a very embarrassing (and stinky) 10 minutes together researching this idea... turns out that neither one of us was farting the gnats.

We went back to killing them daily, hoping they would get the hint and their friends would be warned! It was not working and we were suffering still.

And one day, we realized...someone was farting it out. It was our own sweet mother. Once we got her diet regulated the gnats disappeared! Coincidence...I think not.

Victory!

Magical invention!!!!

I'm walking through Wal-Mart, hating every second of it. Let's clear things up... I don't hate Walmart. Just all the people. If I had it to myself I wouldn't mind it at all!

Back to the important story....

Walking through Walmart...see an end-cap.... and realize that it is a miracle invention!!!!! OMG! I was overwhelmed. Then I checked my emotions because I didn't know if it would actually work or not and didn't want to get my hopes up. So, I was just whelmed.
I put it in my cart for $2.00 and went on my whelmed way.

I arrive home. Ready to test the product. It is a self-contained, self-heating Hot Cocoa extravaganza! It has the water and cocoa in the container and it heats itself up.

You pull a tab, press a button, wait 5 minutes, shake it up and enjoy! It was magically delicious! I moved from whelmed to overwhelmed in a matter of 5 minutes!!! It's fabulous!

I don't know in what situation I will not have a microwave, a cup, a spoon, a packet of hot cocoa and tap water... but if I ever come across it, this is going to make my life so much better!
And, even if I am never in that dire situation, let's be honest, from the Lazy Code of Ethics standpoint... this product makes our life worth sort-of living.


www.ontech.com

Check it out. Much cheaper at Walmart than on their own website. Worth every penny.

Gnats

Dratted gnats have invaded our lives. It's ridonkulous!!!

They're everywhere. At one point they seemed to be reproducing at remarkable rates. I was convinced that one of us must be farting them out. It seemed to be the only plausible explanation.
None of the usual causes for gnats are in our home. They are magical gnats. They can appear and reappear out of nowhere! And they seem to be smarter than the average gnat. They know when we're coming for them.

We have used every single suggestion for getting rid of gnats that I could find on the interweb. With the exception of one... they suggested putting on rubber gloves, coating them in Vaseline and running around the house catching them in our Vaseline coated hands. And, to be honest, we would have tried that...we couldn't find any gloves. We were desperate. We would have done it.
According the interweb, gnats are attracted to the sweet scent of vinegar.

We have tried:

white vinegar, which caught ZERO gnats.
apple cider vinegar, which did catch gnats
apple cider vinegar mixed with dishwashing detergent, caught a few
apple cider vinegar mixed with baking soda, which caught the most gnats
apple cider vinegar mixed with bleach, which caught zero gnats
We put plain apple cider in a cup and covered it with plastic wrap and poked it with a toothpick to create holes. The gnats go in like idiots and can't get out. Managed to catch a few.

We poured bleach down our sink drains to kill them.

Shawna burned one gnat with a match. Although it only resulted in one gnat's death, it went a long way towards raising team spirit. ("team" being Shawna and I. It's us against those damn gnats.)

And we used sticky bug traps which resulted in a mass killing. (I would imagine that the "Gnat Nightly News" is covering this mass murder that happened. I'm sure Shawna and I are deemed terrorists on their news coverage. Which I think is highly prejudicial. We attacked because they attacked us first. I didn't go invade their home. They invaded mine! And we will fight back, biotch!!! We're taking back OUR house! Can I get an amen????)

Also, we used the bug zapper we have for flies. It's not easy because the gnats are much smaller than flies so they easily slip through the net, but if you are persistent, you will succeed eventually. The resulting POP sound when they die is quite gratifying. Don't judge me for thinking that. You'd feel the same way if gnats had worn you down. It's my primal right to defend my crib!

Still, after all of the methods...there are gnats in the house. We are going to smoke them out. It might result in another house fire, but sometimes that's the only way to truly cleanse the place.

We will do whatever it takes to get rid of the gnats.

P.S. positive side note- if we smoke out the gnats, it may also kill those bastard spiders that are still trying to assassinate me.

P.P.S. We still can't rule out that maybe they are being farted out of one of us. The only way to be sure is for one of us to fart and the other to watch for gnats. And, as of yet, we have been unwilling to go through with this experiment. I don't like to breathe fart air, so we may never know the truth.

Success in sewing!

We did it... we did it.... we finally finished our sewing project.

We took it to Cindy (sister in law's mom, amazing seamstress) and had her do it. And let me tell you, it wasn't difficult AT ALL. I brought her some chocolate and she finished it in no time at all!

Why didn't we think of that first???

Failure

I have failed as woman. And not alone. My sister and I have failed together. Our combined brain power and the brilliance of the internet was not enough to help us successfully thread a sewing machine.
The project started 1 hour an 54 minutes ago. We took the sewing machine out. And 1 hour and 24 minutes later... success! We threaded the machine. And even managed to sew a small, sock-sized pillow for our beloved mother. (more about her later)
We managed the pillow and began checking out the different thread patterns. Now, I don't want to point fingers, but Shawna was playing with the sewing machine when it broke. Is it her fault? Probably. I'm not going to say that to her though. She is much stronger than me.
Nonetheless, we were back to square one and the sewing machine no longer had thread.
Boo. :(

4 minutes ago Shawna managed to thread the machine again. One small problem... the machine is not actually sewing anything. Damn machine.

Now, more about our beloved mother. How could she do this to us? Neither my sister or I (and, to be honest, my older sister too) know how to sew. We can't even thread the machine. Well, we did thread it and promptly broke it (again, Shawna's fault) and are still struggling. 2 hours and 3 minutes later. Thanks a lot Mom. And where is our mother? Galavanting around the countryside following Kenny Rogers around. Groupie!!! What scares me the most is that my Dad is with her. Driving. Apparently he enjoys Kenny as well.
Back to the point... Our mom knows we love to sew in the Fall. How could she abandon us with no sewing machine skills??????????


I'll update you when I have more news.

Spider Bite... maybe.

So, this morning I woke up and got in the shower. (yes, it was at ten in the morning...don't judge me!)

I'm washing my hair and suddenly I notice a disfiguring red mark on my arm!!! It's a spider bite! It must be! There are no other possible explanations. (yes, I'm aware that I frequently break out in mysterious bumps and/or hives, but I'm sure this one is a spider bite.)

You can see for yourself. It's hideous and disfiguring. And it's totally going to destroy my bracelet modeling career. Great! What's next? How much more can I take? These bitches are good. They are wearing down my mental and emotional health. (let's face it, it wasn't a hard task.) I don't think this is a deadly spider wound, although I am not a doctor, so I can't say for sure. I think they sent a benign spider to see if it could even be successful in getting through my defenses. Well, it was successful. And I know what's coming next! The head honcho is going to come finish me off!!! I've loved you all and will miss you.

Update on Spider Assassination ATTEMPT

Well, I know many people laughed at me and my belief that the spiders were actually trying to kill me... but I think I'm right.
This morning, I went into the bathroom to use the toilet. (this is as much as I'm willing to say about that because the toilet is a private area...or at least it used to be.)
I sit on the toilet, minding my own business and suddenly I see something moving up the wall to my left.... AUGH!!!! A spider. A damn, damn, dammity, damn, damn spider!!!!!
Normally I would run from the spider, but I was not in a position to run away...without some dribble. I grabbed some toilet paper and I smashed the spider! I killed that sucker. I felt good about it for about 2 seconds until I realized that the spider was merely a spider pawn.

Clearly, the first spider on my arm trying to reach my jugular to kill me wasn't destroyed when I pushed it off my arm and ran out of my room. Obviously, the spider did exactly as I thought it would. It went back to it's little fort and rounded up his friends. They made a plan. The spider they sent to the bathroom was expendable. He was willing to risk his life for this cause.

I defeated the first attempt. But, clearly, they are going to re-group and find more heinous ways to take my life.
I don't know what's going to kill me first... the brain tumor or the spiders.

Columbus Day (observed)

I have to observe Columbus Day on an alternate day because I had to work on the actual Columbus Day. (or what we call the actual "Columbus Day")
It is so wrong that I had to work. On Columbus Day. When I, myself, am part Colombian. That just seems so wrong. Can you say racist? And I suppose that I'll have to work on Hanukkah even though I'm part Jewish too!

When you think about Columbus Day.... it doesn't really seem like he should get his own day. Let's consider the facts... Columbus is said to have discovered America. But can you really "discover" a land that has people living on it already??? Let's use an analogy... I barge into your home and tell you I discovered it and am now commandeering your kitchen for the Queen of Spain!
Seem fair? Not really. Does it seem like I "discovered" your house? Uh... not really.
And even if you discount the fact that people already lived on this "New Land" let's not forget that others had already discovered it.... the Africans, the Chinese and the Vikings.
And let's not forget how Columbus "discovered" America. He was 13,000 miles off his planned route. Sounds like he was a really crappy navigator. Didn't he just completely ignore his On-Star GPS system?

One thing I can definitely say in favor of Columbus is that he had to be an excellent leader. The man traveled with 3 boats. The Nina, Pinta and Santa Clause... errr, Santa Maria. He was 13,000 miles off course and yet two boats followed him the whole way! At some point didn't they start to wonder where he was going? Did they doubt him at all? Or were helper monkeys steering the other 2 ships? He must have been an excellent leader. A fearless leader. Able to talk people into following him so far off course.
But does he deserve his own day for this? Uh... doubtful.

And, remember, I am part Colombian so it's okay for me to say all of this.

Spider meltdown

So, last night I was minding my own business, sitting in my bed watching a stupid show and my arm began to tickle a little bit... I looked down, there was nothing. I thought I was just being paranoid. Then a minute later my other arm felt ticklish... I looked down and saw my worst nightmare come true! A spider!!!!!! On my arm!!!! I pushed the spider off of my arm and ran out of my room, in my underwear, shrieking and doing the spider dance. Shaking my limbs and hair out, convinced the spider might still be on me. My sister laughed at me, so I ran upstairs where I proceeded to cry like a baby and received more laughter from my mother. She tried to talk me off the ledge, but I am convinced the spider was crawling up my arm to try to reach my jugular.
Now that I have thwarted it's assassination attempt, it will be forced to round up more friends and find revenge through another assassination plot. I'm not going to pretend that I'm not worried. I'm worried. Very worried. I try to remember that "we have nothing to fear but fear itself..." and spiders.

A lot on my mind

I'd like to thank all of my followers for their support on my blog. Keanu "s.k." Reeves has especially touched my heart.

So much on my mind today. Where to start?

First, a blog is a lot more pressure and work than I ever anticipated. Knowing that my fans and followers are just waiting to hear more from me? Talk about pressure! Not to mention... I don't have much going on, so it's not like anybody will actually be interested.

Second, the mystery of my nauseous sneezing continues. I frequently get so sick to my stomach that I am positive I am going to throw up. Many times I actually go to the bathroom to puke... the sickness gets so intense and the "throw-up signals" start and just when I am going to puke... I sneeze. Then my tummy feels fine and I go about my day! What's up with that??? It's a very disconcerting feeling. I am so worried one day that I'll feel like I'm going to sneeze and then throw up instead! That would be embarrassing! Puking in public is not fun.
Take it from me... I puked on a plane ride to Europe. Well, the plane was actually going to Chicago and then to London. Nonetheless, I threw up. And let me tell you... strangers get really pissy when you throw up on them! It's even worse than when you accidentally dump coke on them at a movie theater! (both the coke and puking incidents were accidents, but both victims had it coming to them!)
Back to the mysterious nausea/puking... I've researched it online and have come up empty-handed. There are people online that have the same experience. But no real diagnosis as to why. Personally, I'm hoping it's a fast growing brain tumor and I will be out of my misery soon. I'm also hoping that the bigger the tumor gets that the more I will experience John Travolta-esque talents like in Phenomenon. In the meantime... I live to drop puke and coke on strangers another day!

Drum roll please!!!

Here it is... the blog everyone has been begging for! There has been speculation, titillating rumors and anticipation as everyone prepared for this momentous occasion. The early reviews are in!!!

The New York Times says, "Quite possibly, the highlight of the midafternoon of September 19th, 2007."

The Washington Post raves, "Crass and vulgar almost beyond belief."

The Village Voice finds the blog unparalleled in their review, "Comes scarily close to being the most unendurable creation on the InterWeb."

When asked what they thought of the 'Blog of the Century', A representative for President George W. Bush had this to say: "I haven't actually seen the website or read anything on the blog, so in the interest of fairness all we can say is that we're pretty sure it's gonna suck."

One anonymous reviewer finds the blog overwhelming, "Like being run over by a garbage truck that backs up and dumps its load on top of you."

"Makes the Matrix sequels look like works of genius." says Keanu Reevs.